Smartphone Guidelines for Husband

I don't make rules...I have a conversation about how I feel and hope he respects my feelings. My husband does this from time to time. Used to be really bad though so I get how you feel.

You don't really get to impose rules as to how much another adult is allowed to use/play with his phone.
What you CAN do is talk to him - tell him what he's missing out on with the kids, tell him that you need him to do his share of the nighttime routine with the kids, and ASK that he limit his time on the phone.

Sad as it is your husband is an adult and won't "mind" you. You're not his parent. If you can't have an adult conversation with him about his activities on it then you just have to accept it.

It's not just your house by the way. If you do everything he expects you to always do everything. I gave my husband chores. He does dishes and trash. If he doesn't go do them they are still sitting there in the morning. He's gone a whole day without doing them and I did not rescue him.

No one died from the dishes sitting in the sink either.

He got up and did his chores. You let them walk all over you they will do it. So stand up and say I am not your servant, I am your spouse, so you need to step up and help out.

Are you talking about imposing "rules" on your husband regarding his phone? You are not his mother!! Be careful with that approach or it will backfire on you.

What are the other underlying issues for this to bother you so much? Trust? Separation emotionally for the moment from family?

Communicate with him... don't raise your voice, don't demean him, don't confront him... just talk. Let him know how you feel and how it is interfering with everyday life in your house. He only knows how you feel if you communicate. If things don't improve after that, then you might look deeper into why it is bothering you so much.

Maybe show him a video of his child trying to interact with him while he is so engulfed in his phone. Oh... sorry... that won't work because you refuse to have any part of the technology.

I agree that for some people, they can't go 2 minutes without looking at the phone. It is almost like some sort of addiction or an added part to the body. My husband is one of them but he is not on FB. He is usually on emails and phone calls related to our business and we do answer our phones because it is a potential new client, client that needs to reorder, client with a plant about to shut down because they are running out of material, or a client with some emergency of another kind.

We don't set "rules" in our marriage. We are a team.. not each other's parent.

Just don't approach it like you are his mother.....

My husband was similar when he started texting with co workers round the clock.
I put my foot down when it came to texting while driving "Hand me your phone if you are driving or text away and I'LL drive. You are NOT endangering your whole family with this!".
Not imposing rules? Not when he could've got us all killed.
You bet I'm standing up and making a fuss over something like that.
And I go out of my way to point out every statistic and accident that was due to 'texting while driving'.
I'll nag and do what it takes to prolong our lives.
He 'gets' it and doesn't give me grief about it.
Other times I'd ask him how much it would cost to replace his phone and I'd tell him I'd give him the cash if I could have it and take a hammer to it right now.
Sure he'd have it replaced inside of 3 days but it would be worth it and SO SATISFYING in the short run.
I really think some people can become addicted to being constantly connected and they need to WAKE UP before they've missed important parts of their lives.

Playing with his phone is how he enjoys his home. I agree with others that you should be able to tell him what you want and what you need and have him respond.

If this doesn't work you may consider giving him 1 hour to unwind after coming home before you leave him alone with the kids for the next few hours. Fun and phones will all be done then wouldn't it. You get a break and he gets the kids. Sounds fair to me. Underhanded but fair. If he then wants to talk to you then perhaps he is ready to listen to what you have to say.

Both hubby and I have smart phones and we use them to their fullest but we also don't have little ones and we also respect the other enough to put the phone down when asked.

Have I imposed rules on my DH? No. He's a grown man. Have I talked to him (or the older sks) and asked for no phones at the table? Yes. I think you should talk to him and express your concern for your family relationships vs trying to lay out rules like you are his mother. Try talking to him about the things you need vs "I hate your phone." You can also say things like, "I'm exhausted keeping up with the kids and the house. I was thinking of hiring a cleaning service. What do you think about that?" Or "I could use some help with the kids. Can you take over baths twice a week?"

Love your smash it with a hammer. My internal dialogue had me throwing it out the window. I can be guilty of this sort of compulsive smart phone stuff from time to time too. A rule of thumb that we abide by, not sure of how we came upon this though, is that we spend about 5-10 minutes with cell phone when we get back from work (part of the decompress/ transition from work to hom), then we park the phone on its charger on our nightstand and there it remains until the following morning.

Best,
F. B.

I'm sure you've let him know exactly how you feel about this. And he's totally ignoring you.

I'd go on a full-out strike in the house and in the bedroom if this were me. No washing dishes or cooking for him, washing his clothes or putting ANYTHING of his away. Instead, I'd eat on paper plates and only feed your child. And I'd sleep on the couch until he agrees to put the blasted phone away when he comes home.

AND he has to clean up as an apology to you.

This is just like someone who is addicted to internet or game boy/x-box games.

Others might feel that this is overkill. It's not. He's supposed to be a father and a husband. Instead, he's being a tech junkie. That's not fair to you or your son and enough is enough. Give him a bad enough consequence so that he will decide to stop.

My husband and I both got in the habit of playing our dumb games while we were watching tv together. Then one night I just looked at both of us and was like, "look at us! We are so pathetic that we can't even watch tv together without our phones!" Since then we haven't done it. We randomly check it for messages or text or what's on FB, but don't stay on it. Maybe just tell him that, see if he can stay off it while he's home with you guys. Just something reasonable. I know my husband likes to play games on it to wind down after work, but it doesn't have to be all night! Just see if he's willing to compromise. Good luck!

What Suz said.

He doesn't need phone guidelines & rules. He needs to be a parent and a spouse and stop playing with his toys. There is no difference between what he is doing and what our kids want to do with TV and computers and Legos and play kitchens and skateboards. Everything in moderation.

At this point, your children do not have a father and you do not have a husband. It's not the phone - it's his devotion to something else besides real people. You can talk to him, yell at him, hide the phone, withhold all "services" on his behalf (including cooking, laundry, picking up after him, and providing sex), and just let his part of the family and the house fall apart until he notices. You can leave without telling him. You can take the kids and go to your mother's house. You can go out for the evening with girlfriends and turn your own phone off, just letting him manage everything that you are. You can take the battery from his phone or you can hide it or you can take it with you when you go out or go to Mom's. Whatever you want to do to get his attention and convince him that you actually exist.

But do something.

You don't say if you've addressed this with him. If you hate it but he doesn't know it, then you have to tell him.

If he refuses to knock it off, thats a BIG problem!!!! BIG! You need to make it very clear to him that this is NOT OK.

Figure out what would be OK with you. My ex is kind of like that, and when he visits, his little message chime is constantly going off and he WANTS to be glued to it, but we have a sort of, "do stuff that needs to be done and then take a minute to check phone (him) computer (me)" system. Somehow he instinctually curbs it at other times like when we're all out doing something, he doesn't want to be the ONLY one on a device..and of course since he was a huge cheater, he often had his phone hidden before we were divorced so it wasn't too annoying...Now it doesn't bug me though because he is conscious of not being on it too much when he visits kids.

Maybe propose "Do x amount of stuff first, or 5 minutes of phone time per hour.....or three hours without, 20 minutes on", or whatever, and "NO checking phone when family is together in car or at meals or in one room where people WOULD communicate with him if he was not on the phone.." if he refuses to comply then I don't know...consequence? Don't do his laundry or cook his dinner?

It blows my mind when people think this behavior is OK. He should try if you make it clear to him unless he's a real jerk.

ALSO, some phone addicts will justify their constant checking by including you in the news they are looking up..like "OH MY GOSH so and so just posted pictures of the hail storm!" or whatever. DO NOT let him get you to participate in the behavior this way. It's the perfect opportunity for a "Yeah, I really don't need to know anything from the phone right now" especially once you've made your feelings known.

Well obviously he isn't totally ignoring you because you said you have a new baby. I don't know you, but your question sounded more like disciplining a child instead of communicating feelings with a hubby. Do you work outside of the home? I think everyone deserves an outlet, and it shouldn't be only when you give permission. When you set orders and rules, you are not playing on an equal field, and you are dooming your marriage. He already has a mom. Having babies and small kids is a rough time on you both. How about you arrange for some of your own me time? Everyone goes through peaks and valleys in marriage. Sounds like it's just a downturn on you both. Please don't impose rules and withhold things to punish him! He's your husband not a child! I would lose my mind if my husband did that to me!

I think, instead of making rules and guidelines to impose upon your husband, you talk to him about *why* he is checking out like this. I know I do it with my laptop (we have dumb phones, not smart ones) when I am overwhelmed with things. It IS a form of checking out, I'll admit it. Both my husband and I do it, but we mutually limit this to small blocks of time when we know another person is more available for our son. We will tell each other "I'm taking a break" and that's what it is-- a break from all that wonderful togetherness.

I think I would start the conversation by acknowledging that "taking a break" is what your husband is doing when he's on his phone. And talk to him about you wanting a break too. Let him know "I'd appreciate it if you would wait until after we get dinner done and the kids ready for bed before you start playing on your phone. I really need your help then." See what he has to say. Have you talked to him clearly with "this is what I need help with" or " I feel sad and lonely when I see Son wanting your attention and you don't look up."

I don't agree that we have to pay attention to every single time our kids say "Look at me!", but yes, an effort to connect and notice is good and reasonable.

Talk to him, hopefully not at him. Do it at a time when neither of you are upset or stressed. You don't want to attack him and put him on the defensive. You do want him to hear what you have to say. Voice your frustration and then, be solution-oriented. Tell him what you think would help. Be reasonable and be willing to compromise. My husband has a video game that he blows off steam with... some nights, he is just spent. I would rather he spend that time with our son and then play his game than to cut short that time with Kiddo and spend it with me. I don't need it as much as Kiddo does, at least not in this season of life. So, be willing to hear him too, and try to see if you can come to an agreement. If not, then I'd suggest couple's counseling.

But no, I would never give my husband rules. He's an adult. Talk to him.

My goodness. People can get so high and mighty that you're not his mother and don't impose "rules" on him. I don't think that's what you're saying. You said rules/guidelines and sounds like he needs some. Nothing wrong with rules IF they are mutually agreed on. He likely needs some guidance. I am addicted to my smart phone too and if my husband said you're on it too much and ignoring the kids etc, we need to set some rules, I wouldn't feel like he was being my parent. Or if he was, maybe I needed it! I think key is to get him onboard with how much is too much... Likely it'll be about compromise. I agree to tell him how it makes you feel and that it's sad when your son tries to talk to him and he's ignored. Maybe each time it happens for the next week, softly say "DH, do you know you just ignored cute little DS's trying to talk to you." Then at the end of the week, ask if you can sit down to discuss mutually agreeable guidelines. We say no to them at dinner time but otherwise I think police ourselves pretty well. Neither of us would be on them at family events. That's just rude. Ask for after kids are in bed for 15 min to talk and 15 min for him to help you straighten up. Ask for 20 min phone free when he gets home from work. (unless he's getting home early and needs to check if his boss has emailed.) I do that. Leave early but then answer the last boss email from home... Good luck. It is a bit of an addiction!

I would just ask him if he could put away his phone from the time he gets home until your son goes to bed (or whatever time frame works for you). I think it's okay to have the phone out sometimes, but obviously not during dinner time, or when he's supposed to be reading your son a bedtime story, or whatever.

My older (adult) daughter has imposed rules in her home while eating dinner. She does not have children, however, has us over from time to time and does not allow TV, phones, or games at the table. If you ask her for her phone or to turn on the TV, she will tell you, "No, because we are eating".

I did raise her that we sit down at the table and eat together, even though it was only the two of us. When I married my husband, he learned to sit at the table and eat with us too. I never gave much mind to this and thought it was the normal thing to do.

My MIL came in for a visit, the TV was on and she served a plate and headed for the living room. She stopped, looked, and said, "Oh, can't I eat in the living room". Well ya, but you will be the only one.

I have not read all the other answers...and my rules regarding technology have always been the same...

None during family meals.

NONE during church (in fact, caught eldest son texting during church years ago when he was a teen. I went to take a younger sib to bathroom...and texted him "no texting during church. GOD").

A 'party ' atmosphere' is a bit more liberal...BUT IF technology gets in the way of real life communication, I do put kiddo's technology in a 'time out'.

I have an ex husband...but THIS was never an issue for him.

Best!