Small Victory Mommy Cliques and Meeting New People in Real Life

Updated on September 15, 2010
K.B. asks from Dulles, VA
5 answers

I FORCED myself to go to a parent meeting. I almost chickened out, but another mom called me. She HATES these things more than me and has been snubbed as much as me by the queen bees and wannabees. She and I talk very candidly once a month when we do business. told her I feel sick thinking about all the rejeciton, but I have to try to take back the feeling of I am a part of the school for my child's sake. We decided to go. Another mom met me there too. Even though we really may not know each other, it really helped my confidence.

This made meeting the new moms who knew no one much easier. Two told me they were brand new to town and had not met anyone yet. They asked us lots of questions and were really glad someone made them feel welcome. Our table was friendly and chatty and I didn't feel like the invisible, unwelcome guest. All three of us reached out to make others feel welcome. We felt more involved and a part of everything. Others came to sit at our table. I think many of us want to be nice and accepted without drama.

I am going to be friendly to other moms and see if they warm up. There are some who were so snotty and rude towards me and they seem to be at the school for every event. I am sick of feeling left out.

This past summer I convinced one mom to join me at the neighborhood pool. I told her the small group of snotty women was not coming any more because a bunch of us "losers" were there. LOL She knew who and what I meant. Many new people, including lots of overweight and nonwhite ones, joined. The snobs don't come and gossip and try to make everyone feel bad.
It is like a different pool altogether and I like i am part of the neighborhood. I was able to relax and not be so aware of everyone. Even the teen lifeguards finally started talking to me.

I decided to take some advice and be more open about WHY I can't commit to helping in certain ways. I had to get over resenting having to explain my personal, painful situation. I had to think of a polite, nongross way since I can be so opne.
I told them I wanted to be a big help and that I do have time, but there are real reasons I can't commit to do something at an exact time. The moms were like "Oh, I did not realize that." A couple of moms must have been sticking up for me because several people told me they had no idea I was having medical issues, going into the hospital, and such. Suddenly I am not just the lazy mom who never does anything to help. I didn't point out that my husband is now disabled and I am also caring for an elderly relative. I tried to be upbeat and positive and I got a much warmer response. People were not running from me.

I found out that 4 nice moms decided to run PTO. I was frankly shocked they got elected. Now is my chance to go, be supportive in the areas I believe in, and show my daughter how to get along and work well with others. I am so glad people, including on here, encouraged me.

Thanks. I hope we all make real friends in real life, but I am glad this place is here until I get a good group in place.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

Good, now that it is all out of the way, stop talking about the snobby ladies clique (even if they are) otherwise some of the new moms may think you guys are being snotty too, or it may just generate more gossip and create that environment between you all as well.

It's good to hear you've gotten some power and a voice and making new friends. It's good you opened up about your difficulties too, that can create a lot of charity and even similarities between people. Don't look back at anything mean they did to you, just keep moving forward. Who knows, your friendliness and positive outlook may make an impression on some of the snobby ones who may get tired of the upset, and they may come and join you and your new group.

You never know!

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M.R.

answers from Columbus on

You find people to be how you expect them to be.

When you move to a new community, the people are the same as the people you left. If you thought they were snotty, you will see that in your next neighborhood too.

The key is how you see it and what you do yourself.

I just finished being the PTO preisdent. I am fat. I an not a social snob, that is so funny. My kids look and act funny. The thing I do is expect that everyone will like me and if they don't, I hang around anyway just to disturb them, and be super nice about it, so they look like jerks. The other thing I do is just show up and do some work, when I can, and I say no when I can't. Most people do not realize that that is all there is to it. You see a job, and if you can do it, you do it, and you don't wait for permission from someone to get something done. After once or twice, you are suddenely someone who is "in the loop" "part of the clique" "political". Pigs are flying, folks. The only loop I know of is the one that makes me want to hang myself sometimes! The thought of a clicque makes me laugh until I pee. If there is a fat frumpy peoples, make the copies, get a yearly hair cut, old band geek clicque, OK. What I want to say when I hear that is , Holy $hit? Really? I am in a clique? When do I get to learn the handshake? (I would do it wrong anyway, I am clumsey too!) Political? Ah, I guess. It is really political to take the student directory to the printer, they print political stuff too, so I don't get that.

No doubt that there are people who are mean, self centered, skinny, look nice, wear make up, good hair cut, perfect children, best looking clean house, are of other ethinic and racial backgrounds, yada, yada, yadas...and they are not all the same people, but sure. They don't make copies, and they don't flip pancakes, and their big butt did not fall asleep after sitting for 5 hours painting faces for donations at the winter festival (their small butts would probably rot off after such a time...) heven forbid they should break a nail! Or, maybe they are just afraid of being rejected too? Got news for you, I would hand over my paint brush and get the blood back in my back side really quick, and once I did, I would bring you a cup of coffee.

It is just so loaded to lump people together like that, and what you found is that you find people to be nicer, and less intimidating than you think that they are, if you set out to see them that way to begin with. Maybe, and maybe not, but maybe the group that is on the way out is wondering what clicque they were ever a part of too?

I am glad that you are getting involved, keep doing it, and let everyone know that there are jobs out there for every one, with every time availablity. All you have to do is do something that you can handle.

What you are not seeing, is that no group is "good" enough, until you see it that way. They are all made up of the same people, the one variable that makes a difference, is you.

So, Dorothy, you have had the power within you to find your hearts desire the whole time, but you would not have believed Glinda if she told you to begin with, you had to find out for yourself! Go forth, and enjoy the group you are in. They are good enought already!

M.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm glad things are working out for you, but I have to echo what Momma L. said. I think your calling these women "snobs" and "queen bees and wannabees" is just as discriminatory as how you feel you've been treated. I think if you continue to put on a smile, and be happy and friendly, you will find that people respond to you.

I'm reminded of a teen girl who was new in school, who told me at lunch one day, "All these other girls are all into their clothes and how they look," or something to that effect. Aside from her comment not actually being true, I told her, "You're being just as judgmental of those girls by talking about what they wear as you think they are being of you. You seem like a happy, friendly girl, just keep being that way, and you will get along just fine here."

I'm gonna give you the same advice.

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H.H.

answers from Hartford on

good for you! i know it is so hard to make friends. I run a moms group w/ 26 moms and they are all great but sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get them to show up to play dates. odd!

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L.N.

answers from New York on

call it what it is. we all know who they are.
and they're everywhere.
even if there are no moms you feel comfortable with, you ought to participate when you can. don't go out of your way but do go. no one should have such an impact on your or your children. be confident, that will reflect how others are towards you.
i am new to the whole thing to. and i mean very very new as in i don't know how these works in american schools. i am learning my way around. i am also learning how people care about what you wear, how you look and where you live.
good luck and keep your chin up.

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