Slleeep Depravation

You have a big decision to make based upon your mental/emotional/physical state and your parenting philosophy. It sounds like the two may be very far apart and you are going to have to make a big sacrifice one way or the other.

Many physicians and experts have done research on both ends of the 'crying it out' and 'self-soothing' issues. No doubt you will be able to find credible sources and information that support and refute both sides of the issue. You're going to have to go with your heart.

On one hand, if you are truly sleep deprived to the point where it is affecting your mental/emotional and physical state then you definitely need to start training your child to learn how to sleep and self-soothe on her own. Dr. Marc Weissbluth has written a few books that address these issues with practical techniques.

On the other hand, if you are a believer that your child needs you to fall asleep and you simply do not want to give up the comfort nursing or family bed, then you should look at the issue this way - yes, you are sleep-deprived but you can take comfort in the fact that your child is probably not going to be 13 years old and still sleeping in the bed with you. However, it will still be a sacrifice on your part but know that eventually you will get the sleep you need. Google Dr. Sears for information regarding this sleeping/nurturing philosophy.

Lots of people are going to give you advice and say things like "the family bed is TERRIBLE! give it up now - you're spoiling her!" or "you're an evil, mean mommy for making her cry it out - she's going to have trust and self esteem issues!". You need to decide what is best for your family and STICK with that decision. You should also know that children who grew up with parents who practiced both philosophies turned out just fine.

I have an almost 4 month old child. I decided early on that, while I want him to feel like he can trust that I will be there for him when he needs me, I also want him to learn how to self-soothe. So, if I were in your shoes and dealing with this, I'd go through the 7-day (or more...9 months of this routine will be tougher to change) hell of listening to her cry it out to teach her how to self-soothe.

We've run into the same situation with our son. When he is sick we let him sleep with us so we can get some sleep and he gets some extra comfort, but the next night it is harder to get him back into the crib. I agree with letting them cry for a while. The longest we have gone is one hour straight. Typically if my son is going to stop crying he stops at 20 minutes. Does your daughter take a pacifer? Is she teething? Have you tried motrin? How much "solid" food is she getting. I would suggest either pumping at bedtime and putting a little cereal in the bottle to help fill the baby up or spoon feed her a little cereal before bed. At nine months she should be sleeping through the night or at least does not need to eat in the middle of the night. My daughter is 4 months old and I know I just read somewhere (probably on babycenter.com) that at this age they do not need the feeding in the middle of the night. Our son moves around a lot in his sleep so when he was sick we also took turns sleeping in the spare room with him which, although it is slight, helped because he wasn't technically in our bed. If you can do the thing someone else suggested about the crib in your room, that sounds like a good suggestion to get your daughter used to sleeping on her own again.

I feel for you! Let us know how it turns out.

Good Luck,

C.

I went through the same thing. My son was sick on and off and between illness I would spend weeks trying to get him back on a schedule in his own bed. The thing that worked best to get him back on a schedule was letting him cry it out. I would go in every 20 minutes or so, lay him down, pat him on his back but never talk to him until he was calm and then leave again. The first night would take HOURS (2 or 3), the second night would be like an hour, the third night would be 30 minutes to an hour and after that he would be doing good. The thing is, at least with my son, I have to make him sleep in his bed even for naps and put him back if he wakes up in the middle of night or else he thinks he can start sleeping in my bed from the beginning. Up until the age of 2 and half we shared a room. We lived with my parents and his dad's parents (due to my parents being transfered, me being in school and a single mom...they are wonderful people!) and there just wasn't enough rooms for each of us to have our own. I felt him being in the same room as me was close enough if he were healthy. I would wake up in pain, and exhausted if he was in the same bed as me. (And still do on some nights! Thank goodness he has his own room now!)

My daughter is 10 months old and have been in the same boat. I would say the biggest encouragment I can give is that this won't last forever.
My husband and I have done many things to try and help her learn to sleep without nursing. It has finally gotten to the point where she only nurses twice during the day and can sleep from 8 pm to about midnight, sometimes 2 am, without nursing--then it's into mommy & daddy's bed for the rest of the night.
I CAN NOT let her cry. It just doesn't sit well with me. It seems so against my instincts. Between teething and growth spurts and nightmares, who knows what she may need you for.
Anyway a great book I would recommend is called the no cry sleep solution by elizabeth pantley, and there's a great website called askdrsears.com that both offer gentle alternatives to letting your little one cry themselves to sleep. I will admit none of the advice I have encountered has gotten her into her room all night yet, but things are looking up and I no longer feel desperate or deprived of sleep!
Good luck

Hi,

I am not a fan of the crying it out method. I personally think it is cruel and neglectful, esp. when it goes on for hours. Does your daughter eat any solids or any cereal? If not, she should because it will fill her up, and by her age, she should be on them, at least part of the time. Also, try a pacifier, or introduce her to a stuffed animal. My daughter loves sleeping with her pooh doll. You may also want to put somehting in her crib with your scent on it. At her age, or even by 6 months, babies should be able to sleep at least 6 hours a night without needing a feeding, so either she is not getting enough calories during the day, or she is doing it out of habit/comfort, so you are going to have to address those issues. Just try out some things and see what works.

J.,

Just sleep with her. She can nurse, you can sleep, and she'll grow more and want her own space soon enough. Turn the crib into a co-sleeper and you'll be near her but she will have a spot for herself. Read www.askdrsears.com for more info on safe co-sleeping. (Notice it includes the word sleep. . .)

Best wishes to you. Sleep deprivation is so hard on you. Letting her cry isn't going to be restful for you, so don't bother. Right now, she is signaling to you a need to be close to you. Enjoy it now, so when she turns into a quiet teenager who doesn't want to hang out with Mom, you can remember the time when she didn't want to be away from you, even in the same room.

Good luck,
K.

There's a HUGE cry-it-out debate. I have never let my son CIO. In my opinion, when he cries, he's trying to tell me something. Even if it is 'hey mom I don't like to sleep alone.' If I ignore it, I may become insensitive to his cries and teach myself not to notice those 'mothering instincts' that I've worked so hard to pay attention to.

If you really can't stand having her in bed with you, there are other options that keep a baby close. You can try a co-sleeper, they sit in your bed but have low sides so babe has her own space and you don't have to worry about rolling on her or blankets. you can try a sidecar, they sit next to the bed or attach to the bed so babe is within touching distance but not in your bed. We just have the crib right next to my side of the bed.

FWIW, my son has never slept thru the night. He's only recently started to sleep for longer than maybe four hours without nursing. He also likes to keep the milk bar open all night. When it gets really sore, I wait until he's limp-limb asleep and then un-latch him from the breast. If he starts looking for the breast again I will pop in a paci. Usually it's just a comfort-suck thing at that point.

It sounds to me like your baby just wants to stay close to you. It's not just that your bed is comfy and she can nurse but that she loves to be close to you. I know it can be very difficult, but if you take care of this need now it will go away eventually. If you don't take care of it it will fester and manifest in other ways.

Do you have a sling or other carrier? If you absolutely must get things done while she naps, wearing her in a sling will keep her close but free your hands.

Other than that I would suggest sleeping when she sleeps. Lay down with her and nurse and nap. It's not always the *best* sleep but it's something, and for those really difficult days it helps me alot.

Other links that may be helpful:
www.askdrsears.com
www.mothering.com
www.kellymom.com
www.thebabywearer.com

And before I forget, sometimes my son has trouble calming down to sleep. I use a nice sleep balm called Badger balm. It's all natural and smells awesome and calms us all down.

Good luck and I'm sending sleep vibes yor way.

have you tried solid foods yet? because if your child is still nursing every 3-4 hrs it sounds like you haven't and she might not be filling up which could be part of the reason she wants to be w/ you 24/7, because she's still/always hungary. at this point in her development breastmilk is just not enough to fill the little tummy, and solid foods need to be introduced by now, with a full tummy she'll sleep longer and more sound, giving you the ability to move her back into her room for a few hours. by the way if you are trying the CIO method, NEVER let her cry for more than 15 minutes.

Hi J.,
My son is almost 9 mo. and just started sleeping through the night without nursing. A month ago he was up every 2 hours. The cyring it out didn't work for him either--he'd cry for hours. One night, I picked him up to nurse him and he had his pacifier in his mouth. I sat down in the rocker and notice he stopped crying without nursing. I rocked him a few minutes, then put him back down. Slowly, I decreased the time I'd rock, then a few nights ago I just rubbed his back in his crib without picking him up. I guess I "weaned" him off nursing at night. I also started giving him a bedtime snack of oatmeal (good bedtime snack for grownups too--oatmeal relaxes you and can help you sleep). As for getting her to her own bed, make sure you have a consistent sleep time routine (book, song, bath, etc.) and put her to bed awake. Try having a mirror or secured crib toy. A great book to read--Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Good luck!

Letting babies cry themselves to sleep helps them learn how to put themselves to sleep. But if she is crying for more then a half hour when you try it, then she is not ready.
Do you have a bed you could temporarily move in your room? A friend had trouble with her son similar to yours. She put him in bed with er for a few nights, then put him in his port-a-crib that was right next to her bed for a few nights and gradually moved the baby bed further away from her bed and near the door. He could smell her and hear he breathing so he knew she was close. Eventually she moved him to his own room. It did take awhile (2 months I think) in the end he slept alone and her bed was baby free.