Slap

Let him know what the consequences are for slapping and be consistent. It's not too young to discipline him. Good luck!

It's slap, not a joke. I think the first step, is to take it more seriously. He is not having fun, he is hitting someone. A 20 month old has no concept of "impolite," or criticism. You're trying to reason with a 20 month old!!! It's not going to work. Remove him from the situation immediately. If he slaps someone, you take him away and don't look back. If he's playing with friends, you pick him up and leave, don't let him play. If he slaps your husband, you take him in a separated room. Children this age hate being isolated, from action.

I would not suggest slapping him back. That's just not going to work...ever. I don't agree with the "i slapped you unexpectedly, but I still love you" approach. Very confusing for him. He doesn't understand questions, like "Do you like ?" "Do you want me to do it again?" He's 20 months, for petes sake. He has no idea what that gibberish means.

I'm in the minority with Grandma T on this one. It's how I have handled any number of unacceptable behaviors in my children....biting, slapping, even pinching. The beautiful thing about it is you hardly ever have to do it more than once. And you DON'T have to do it hard...just enough to startle them. The next time he slaps you, give him a little slap back. It doesn't even have to be hard enough to turn his cheek red or anything. Nobody likes to be slapped and even a fairly "light" one will startle and upset him.

I agree with everyone else that he is too young to be lectured (or "criticized") about it...that will make NO sense to him and won't be effective, as you've seen. But what I'm suggesting is something that even an animal could understand, under the right circumstances. It's the absolute most basic form of communicating! Your son thinks it's a game because he doesn't understand how much it hurts/bothers people. And he doesn't understand because he's never experienced it before. All you're doing is showing him how it feels so he can use that experience to behave appropriately.

Just because someone finds something funny, doesn't make it okay.

Slapping a child in the face, knocking a child down a flight of stairs, kicking a child in the stomach... ALL of these (and thousands more) do kids to do other kids and laugh. Just because hurting someone else is funny to them, doesn't mean that it's a joke.

Is hitting, biting, kicking, hair pulling, eye gouging, and other physically attacking other normal for toddlers? Heck yeah. Does normal mean it's acceptable? NOPE! The younger they are, the easier it is to deal with, however. It's soooooo much easier to deal with scooping up a toddler and putting them on timeout / shaming them into feeling badly about hurting others or the quick instant karma than it is with a 6yo or 12yo. ((AKA teaching empathy; feeling badly instead of finding it funny. Empathy is a LEARNED behavior. Think about it this way; If you slaped your husband, and had him slap you which hurts more physically? The person being slapped. But even the *thought* of slapping someone you love hurts emotionally. Consider also slapping a coworker, or stranger. The reaction your body feels to even the thought of randomly hurting someone on purpose is learned empathy. It disconnects with anger (which is why "no hitting" get revisited when kids start doing it out of rage instead of because they think it's funny). BTW... in large part, they think it's funny because it DOES NOT HURT THEM. And the person being hit has a huge (often shocked) reaction. The slapper might get a mild sting, which is nothing compared to the bumps and crashes from learning how to walk... which we cheer and applaud and snuggle for/with. To a child who is used to the pain from learning how to walk/run... the sting on their hand from hitting or slapping doesn't even register. They do worse to themselves all the time. And the nerves that transmit pain signals aren't fully coated with myelin until after age 5 (aka things hurt less and for a shorter period of time for kids under 5 than 5-adult). ))

There are typically 2 ways to teach empathy... and they BOTH work the same way; They link feeling badly and hurting someone else.

1) More traditionally ... the child hurting someone else gets hurt in response. (Spanking).

2) Guilt/Shame. The child is punished in a way that is not physical but that still causes them pain, just this time it's emotional.

In each case, you're looking for tears. You WANT tears and a sad/angry/upset child... because it links empathy.

It's REALLY interesting... not so long ago there was only one real background for "bullys". Bullys came from families where the child themselves was bullied and they turned around and repeated the behavior they had been taught to do on others. These days *most* of the bullys that teachers are dealing with are NOT kids who come from physically abusive homes, but instead homes where they were never taught to have empathy for others. Never taught to feel badly / or allowed to feel badly when they hurt others (aka if tears DID come, they were immediately stopped with toys/games/funny faces/other methods of 'distraction'.). From the 'distraction' homes kids are learning that it's not only funny to hurt others, but that they'll be rewarded for it. They might have to say they're sorry sort of perfunctorily but then they're whisked off to another part of the playground where mom or dad play with them, or they get a shiny new toy to distract them from the other kid, or, or, or, or.

It's heartbreaking to watch... because for want of a few minutes of tears, regardless of the cause... kids are being TAUGHT how to be bullys.

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that your child is a bully (I don't believe toddlers can be - it's just that they haven't learned to be nice or a 'good friend' yet), or that you're teaching him to be a bully. It's just a disturbing trend that has been the topic of conversation lately in edu circles... as we watch parents run so far from one side of the pendulum (hurting kids unnecessarily) that they're creating the same result. Mean kids who think hurting others is funny because they never learned it wasn't when they were toddlers.

Babies start out touching by slapping... think about a baby slapping a hand on their high chair; just the beginning of their motor skills and learning to control their bodies...

Babies have to be taught gentle touches and that's where I would start. He doesn't understand that what he's doing is hurtful. When he does it gently take his hand and say "hitting hurts... gentle touches..." and use his hand to touch you softly. adjust your facial expressions to show him that hitting hurts and gentle touches feel nice. Be consistent and he'll get it.

Good luck!

At 20 months I would not actually discipline him physically. I would take his hand every time and hold it away from his body to draw his attention to it while correcting him as you've been doing. It would be better to to catch it before he actually slaps anyone though. Rather than telling him what not to do, hold his hand and gently touch your face and remind him out loud to use "gentle touches." It is not that unusual, but is understandably frustrating, especially with other kids. You could also touch his face with his own hand to reinforce the gentleness. Kids often don't register what something feels like when they do it to someone else.

Sorry, it was not even funny the first time.

Start applying concequences so that he feels the pinch of how wrong it is. I don't know a 20 month old who could possibly understand the concept of impolite, they are in our care for us to teach them along the way strong lessons when they misbehave such that at the end of their childhood, they are polite individuals who respect others, including not following through with the impulse to slap others, no matter how much he enjoys it. Scoop him up, tell him to keep his hands to himself, put him in his room, or a corner, or on the stairs, and make him sit there without anythink to do for a minute. Tell him you are disapointed. Tell him you don't like it. Tell him it is not funny. Tell him it is no joke. Tell him that other people matter.Tell him what to do instead, and act as soon as he does it the next time just the same. It will stop.

M.

What worked for us -- hold his hand, say seriously "NO, no hitting" or "NO, that hurts". Do it every time. If he thinks it's a game, repeat VERY sternly and get up and walk away.

The stern "NO!", take his hand and tell him "you do not hit, it hurts, it's not nice", then "hitting gets a time out." Follow through wherever you are. You need the discipline first before explaining. You can't reallly explain, criticize a 20 month old and expect them to get it's wrong behaviour.

He is testing you and if he gets away with it he will continue.
I agree with the minority of Grandma T. I didnt before my 2 year old but he was doing something similar and my husband not pleased with the lack of effectiveness the time outs, talks etc I was using gently returned the "favor". Not even a red mark or noise but the act of doing the same was enough to startle him and he hasn't done it since.

Dear Nancy, Does anyone slap your son? or does anyone laugh when he does this, and he thinks it is funny? I guess you have to keep telling him this is a NO. I realize as he comes up on 2 he will hear a lot of NO. That is why it is usually their first word. I would say "mommy is not happy"and hope he finds some other way to greet people. Grandma Mary

Grab his hand and in a stern face say, "No hitting!."

As he get older if he hits, you would say we do not hit, ever! (This includes adults)..

If he continues, have him sit by himself, do this every time and he will learn very quickly hitting really is not allowed..

For all of you willing to slap your child? Would you allow a day care worker to lightly slap and not leave a mark on your children? How about another relative? Step parent? Where exactly is the line on slapping a 2 year old? Just wondering..

Since he doesn't understand that it hurts, simply and calmly return the slap on his face the next time he does it. I know it sounds horrible because for us to do it to someone would be due to a loss of temper. But this happened to all my three girls when they were little and started biting me or others.

People say, "Oh, they just don't understand that it hurts." True. The quick and easy way to help them understand is to repeat the process back to them - not in anger, with a loud voice or strong words or an angry face. You aren't angry at them, nor are you punishing them. It is a quick way to teach and then they stop. I hated doing it to my first child - but then it worked. A few years later we were at a party and a little girl chewed in to my daughter's face, leaving a bruise for a few days. Then she went on to bite every child at the party. One bite on her would have helped her - and everyone else! - enjoy that party and many more!

I'd remove him or you from the situation. When my kids would do something like that I'd say "I'm not going to play with you if you hit me." and then I'd get up. If he's slapping other kids, I'd say "people aren't going to want to play with you if you hit them" and take him away from the other child for a minute or two. A few times doing this and he'll give up.

normal but you have to start putting himin the corner everytime or it will continue