Sister in Law - Hialeah,FL

Your SIL has only 1 successful relationship with a man - and that's with her brother. She has no self-discipline, so she can't discipline her own children. She loses her temper and curses at them, which isn't going to do anything except teach them to lose their own tempers. Wait until she gets the first calls from school because her little ones are swearing and teaching the other kids the "f" word.

Your husband should be supportive of his sister, and that means giving her a break now and then. I don't understand why you can't have the kids over to your house on occasion. Is there a reason you haven't seen them in months? Is she avoiding you because she knows you disapprove? Are you not inviting them because your husband is overly involved all the time? If she swears, even once, in your home, your husband needs to take her out on the porch and tell her to stop or he's packing her 3 kids in the car and sending all 4 of them home.

He also needs to get her into a parenting class so she can learn some skills with discipline. A lot of us grew up with "just wait until your father gets home" which taught us that our mothers had no power or authority - and we had to fight that image of women as we grew up. Your nephews have it even worse - "just wait until I call your uncle" - so they have no respect for their mother. The situation just escalates. At this point, your SIL is completely ineffective and undisciplined, and she can/must learn to stand on her own two feet.

If he reaches out to her on HIS schedule (meaning your family schedule) and her calls aren't just when she's in need of something, you won't feel so imposed upon. If you have scheduled family get-togethers, it will feel like an invitation for the cousins to play and get together, and those 3 kids can see a family the way it's supposed to operate, with kids getting gentle and constant guidance.

And your husband should not participate in or encourage any guilt trips when his sister calls her dad to get him involved. And how is it that you and your husband even know she calls? Is their dad calling your husband to relay this message? Then Grandpa needs to knock it off.

Both uncle and grandfather can be positive role models in the children's lives, and that's important when their own fathers are nowhere. But that means teaching everyone to stand on their own feet and not responding to mama's whining or sob story.

All you can do is invite her (and her family) to your house.
Your husband is their uncle, for Pete's sake!
He sounds like he WANTS to be their for the kids, luckily.
Sounds like they could use an involved aunt AND uncle.
Figure out a way to see them.

I'm a little confused, but the way I read it she called on him to do her parenting for her and backed off so now she doesn't see her brother because she doesn't make time for him? Or did DH back off after you told him you were uncomfortable? Either way, SIL needs to parent (or not) her own kids and there's only so much your DH can do if she won't properly run her own household. It may be that he needs to tell her that he cannot be the disciplinarian in her home and he would like to simply enjoy spending time with her kids vs being the bad guy. She needs to parent her own sons but that shouldn't mean that you can't see her kids, ever. Does she really miss her brother or does she miss having someone else pick up her slack? Kind of hard to figure out what is going on here.

My SIL has 3 kids as well and their father has passed away. DH has tried to keep an open door with them, but that also doesn't mean he drops everything every time someone sneezes. There are ways to have relationships with nieces and nephews that don't run over your own household's needs. DH may simply need to re-evaluate what the need really is and if this is something he should be involved in or something he should encourage SIL to handle on her own. And he should try to be more of an uncle than a disciplinarian with them. DH will sometimes have a man to man talk with the nephews, but usually they just do stuff - and get to see how we feel a man should be. If your DH wants to be their role model, he needs to step back from being her parental band aid and be their uncle.

good lord...no you're not missing anything. i'm sorry but your inlaws sound like kind of a mess. you're a more patient woman than i am.

people who don't make a real effort to connect, only want you their on their terms or when they want something, and then lay on the guilt - are toxic and selfish. (thinking of the holidays question you posted, as well, now that i have more info)

i would not make an effort to be around them, either. and i would not feel guilty about it. if the holidays come around and you intend to spend time with them, take the initiative, call whoever is planning, and set it up with them, times and places, what to bring, and such. but otherwise, i would maintain some distance.

it sounds like sil is using hubby just like she has a habit of using (at least 3 previous) men in general.

I hope you get a lot more answers to help you here. It's a good question and you are trying to be a good aunt and a good wife by asking this. I can just imagine what a quandry you are in trying to balance this problem.

Your SIL is a user, TS. She probably loves her brother, but more than that, she uses him kind of like she uses the other men in her life (minus the baby-making part.) I don't know if your fussing about her calling on him all the time is the reason she doesn't come around anymore - that's not clear to me in your post. I'm sure you don't want YOUR kids hearing her curse at her kids, so I don't blame you for not wanting your kids to go over there. However, your nephews need you and your husband, so you both need to spend time with them. That might mean a Saturday once a month when your husband is around. Take that day to focus solely on the children - no housework, only the kids. I'm sure that those kids curse in addition to having discipline problems. You and your husband will have to help them toe the line in your home, providing them with lovingly administered strict limits. God knows SOMEONE needs to do this for them since she doesn't.

Your brother needs to sit down with his sister and talk to her lovingly, but firmly. He should tell her that the way she treats the kids is one of the reasons they don't behave well, and that her cursing at them and all the rest will make them act worse. He cannot be their disciplinarian except when he is with them, (not over the phone), but he expects her to act as a mother and try to handle them appropriately, without the cursing and yelling when you are all together. She needs stop cursing and yelling period, but only SHE can decide to handle her temper at home alone.

He needs to tell her that the more she talks ugly to them now, the more that they will turn it around on her when they get older. I hope she will listen.

Try not to be jealous of his sister, but don't feel sorry for her. Tell your husband the same thing. She has made her bed here, so to speak, and she needs to learn to be mostly self-sufficient. If your husband helps her too much, she may end up having baby number 4 because she just assumes her brother will continue to make her life easier. Instead, she needs to become more responsible and stop making babies without a husband.

Good luck,
Dawn

I suggest that you and your husband, if he wants to see his sister, find ways to get together with her.

I'm confused about how her not calling him stopped. Was it the result of your telling your husband (or his sister?) that you wanted him to stop spending so much time with her and her children? If so, then it's time to clarify what sort of relationship you would be comfortable with.

Sounds like you do want your husband to be in your nephew's life. Then, it's logical for him to plan to do things with them. Perhaps you could have them over to your house where your husband could spend time with both his children and his nephews.

How you feel is something you can change. I suggest that every time you feel that you're in competition you remind yourself that you're not. In reality, your husband has the need to be involved with his sister and her boys. You're not competing. You're sharing.

I can only suggest that you invite her over. If she declines, that is her problem. When she is there, she can help make a meal for everyone.

Those are your husband's family and he obviously wants to be there for them when they need him.

Maybe you can find a different way to include your own family. Maybe he can go pick the problem child up and bring him home. Sometimes that works better than going over and disciplining them. It seems that is the only father role the boys have.

I can only tell you...my sister hasn't talked to me for over a year. Fine, but I have kids and so does she. Those kids are my family. It hurts that I don't get to see them and be a part of their life. I saw my nephew on NYE at 2:00 a.m. after he went to a concert. We stood in my living room and quickly caught up. I can't help it, but I cry when I see him.

Sunday sounds like a good day for a family gathering.

You are missing a whole lot. Ever heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, it does. Your SIL NEEDS her brother to help her with her children. I am betting they are boys and they NEED that strong discipline that only a man can deliver. If they are girls, then they need that unconditional love that fathers have for their children. If they don't get that, they will look for it elsewhere - NEVER GOOD!

If your hubby continues to be the disciplinarian in their lives, they WILL come to him in the future if they have problems because they will KNOW they can count on him.

You have done those children a huge disservice with your attitude and discomfort. Sorry you feel it's infringing on your family dynamics.

I am reading some of the other responses. I suggest that those who say your SIL should handle her own household are not and never have been single parents. Keep that in mind when considering the responses.

I raised a daughter who NO MALE in her life. She become promiscuous early - has five children by four different men. Your hubby can make a huge difference in their lives.

Men tend to have a hard time letting the women in their lives live with the seemingly unpleasant consequences of their own behavior. They feel a sense of responsibility to take care of mothers, sisters, daughters, to help to make their lives easier by making them more cushy. If you ask, they'll tell you that you come first, but they don't see how their actions say something else to you. In their minds, as long as everybody is getting equal time/energy (or you're getting slightly more time/energy), then they are doing right by all involved and you are being spoiled and selfish. Wives don't want to feel like they are getting just as much attention as other people. Their husbands can show them love by making sure that they feel that they are getting more.

ETA: I was having three different conversations earlier and forgot to make the point that the kids do need him. She needs for a man she loves and trusts to be around and do the right thing to just that for her and her kids. Since she is expecting him to act in this role, then he needs to sit with his wife and discuss a plan that includes her and her input. He is basically raising two sets of children and somewhat heading up two different households. His sister is "another woman". Any woman who is not you is "another woman", and you and he should be on the same page about how to approach any kind of long-term, in-depth involvement. He's probably treating you like you're all equally his responsibility and you should just stay out of the way and appreciate that he's stepping up to the plate. You'd likely feel better if he treated you like a partner with a say in things and not like someone who shoudl just go with the flow of what he's dictating.