Sister-In-law "To Be" Question

She is selfish. Don't give her anything anymore. She is taking advantage of you and being ridiculous about it as well! The next time she asks, say no. you haven't appreciated the things we have given you- we aren't going to pass anything on to you anymore.

M

i would cut her greedy,selfish cheap self off-start donating the clothes to red cross or other good charities..thats just plain appalling.huge dif between needy an greedy.theres kids out there with NOTHING...cut her off-if she says anything-tell her you donated the clothes to the kids in NEED....

I would continue to let it slide. If she ever point blank asks, "You know that cute red shirt Hayden got last year? Has he outgrown it yet? Are you ready to hand it down to us?"

And then say, "No. That red shirt was very special to me. I packed it away in his memory box and plan to hand it down; along with other special clothes and toys, to Hayden when he has kids."

My sister says this quite frequently to me when I tell her I am going to go back to school shopping or she sees my daughter in a new coat etc. She also jokingly reminds me that her daughter love purple so when I am going shopping buy purple. My sister knows I am going to give her daughter these clothes when they are outgrown by my daughter and I LOVE seeing these clothes get used again. As a matter of fact I actually have 2 more nieces that will eventually wear the outfits. This does not offend me at all. I take it as a compliment because they must think I have good taste in girls clothing :) Of course you are under no obligation to pass it on if you want to save it for another child you may have someday.

H.-

Just get pregnant again yourself right quick!! lol (kidding)

My ex SIL was the same way after I had my eldest...but with maternity clothes. Turns out I was a few weeks pregnant with my second (I had not told anyone yet) when she announced SHE was expecting at a family gathering we were hosting. Early on she announced her pregnancy, and said 'after dinner I'll go through your maternity clothes'...I was floored. SO...when it came time for dessert, I served hers AND mine with a pickle!

Needless to say, she had no hand me downs from me!

Michele/cat

I would keep what you may need for a second son for a while. I separated my daughter's clothes into sizes and seasons then stored them in spacebags which I then slid under my bed. It took up no useable space and saved us a ton of money when our second daughter was born. If it were me I'd hold onto most of it unless you have pieces that you just weren't fond off or wrinkled too much...that kinda thing. Then I would sign up to cosign those items at your local consignment shop. Why not make a little money on those items that you can use to purchase new clothing for your son as he needs it. Why should anyone else reap all the benefits of all of your purchases? Then the next time SIL or MIL makes a comment about it simply tell them you're saving clothes for the next child or that you've sold the ones he's outgrown to purchase the next size up. Everyone should/would understand that in this tight economy.

Yeah, she's claiming dibs too soon but I don't think it is a big deal. Keep what you want, get rid of what you want, pass along what you want. It is great if you can help a family member or friend if they need it. Sounds like she is appreciative of what you have offered. But, if she asks about something you don't pass down, tell her "oh, we're keeping that one because he liked it so much" or "we're keeping that one for our next child". You can also say that while you are happy to pass along some things, you also are selling some to help you cut down on the cost of the next size...gotta help yourself too.

I think it's rude for her to assume that you are wanting to just hand over your son's entire wardrobe just because she is family and is having a baby of the same sex. Of course you want to hold onto some of it, and other things it would be nice to pass along. What if you have another boy? You don't have to feel bad about not giving her everything, just do as you had planned and pass down items that you can part with. If she asks about a particular shirt, just tell her the truth, that you really want to hold onto some things for the memories, and also (I'm assuming you want more children) because you'd like to have them for the next baby, and tell her what store it came from if she'd like to purchase it herself!!

I can understand your angst and confusion on this issue.

I was very picky about giving away my sons' clothing and truly hated to do it. I would not want any more pressure on the matter from outside sources.

I would probably continue to ignore the comments, but if pressed for an answer I would say "I can't bear to think of him growing out of these things so I really can't commit to that right now." In other words, rebuff in a nice way.

If they stop giving you stuff because of your stance - OH WELL! At least you won't have to hear it anymore. To me, a gift with a string attached to it is not actually a gift.

Good luck.

She's just tacky but doesn't realize it. I'm sure she sees nothing wrong with it. You are right though, it is pretty obnoxious.

When it comes to in laws (as well as your own family), sometimes you just have to suck it up and let it go. It's just not worth it. She sounds like this isn't the only annoying habit she may have, right?

Sometimes when I want to say something but not start trouble, I say it with a chuckle as though I am joking but I am not. That way, I got to say what I want but I chalk it up to sarcasm.

We have "characters" like that in our family, I have fun poking fun at them sometimes. They are good material for comedy behind closed doors:)

No, you are NOT expected to give her anything. You can make a pile in your front yard and burn the clothes as far as anyone is concerned. I never expected that with my 5 children. You need to make a comment to her when she says something. When she makes a comment about wanting dibs on your kids clothes ust simply tell her, "Can my son have a chance to wear it before you start laying claim to it?" Put her in her place and let her know her greediness is not appreciated. There's a thing called humility and thankfulness that sounds like a few people need to learn and you could be a great teacher, lol!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

It IS a little assuming on her part. I tended to keep most of my things from my first son (they were nice and not worn in) in case I had another boy (which I did so I am soooo glad I did). I have had my last child and so I hand everything from my son (aside from special items) to her so she does make comments on how cute his outfits are and how she can't wait to try them on her son - but I've made it clear to her that they are going to go to him.

The first time around my other sister made comments about the clothing but I knew I'd be having more babies so I just kept the items. Nothing was ever said and she got by just fine (just like we all do). Really hoping she doesn't come over demanding the hand me downs...now THAT would be awkward! Unless that happens ignore it and put the items away you want to keep and ONLY part with ones you are willing to part with completely. NEVER expect to get items back. There is always that oops when they sell it or hand it off to someone else and your relationship is not worth an Osh Kosh outfit.

I think that it's kinda rude. That's just my opinion. My sister-in-law had a boy 3 months before my son was born and I never once thought that anything that she got was to be immediately given to my son. That being said my nephew is also wearing nine month clothing at 6 months. He was getting big. My son is also wearign 9 month clothing now, because he is so tall for his age group. I have clothes that I want to keep for the next child when the time comes. I find it also rude that they bought something for your son because they thought it would look good on his cousin. Maybe i'm selfish but I want some thing that is given to my son to be given to my son. They say it's the thought that counts, well if that's the case then they aren't thinking of your son at all. My suggestion is decide what you want to give if you so choose, then if they ask about clothes that they want that you haven't given them, say that your son stained them and wouldn't want to give them away in that condition, or just simply state that you are holding on to them for a future child. Who's to say that if you give them your clothes and they say they will give them back for your future child that they aren't runined by that time? I also find it disturbing that your sister-in-law hasn't even bought anything for her son because of your generosity. It seems that she expects you to giver her everything so she doesn't have to spend any money. That is called a taker and she will never appreciate anything that you give her. I have no respect for that and find it sad really. I mean her son will have nothing that is from her. I think you should ration what you give her and then tell her that your store is closed and she needs to find someone else to leech from.

Ignore her comments. Give her what you feel like giving her when you feel like giving it to her.

I would find someone more deserving of the gifts. Expecting handouts is just plain rude. Maybe you want to keep the clothing for yourself, or pass it down to another person, or sell it for extra cash. That is your choice, not theirs. Next time she asks, just tell her you have plans for the clothes already. No need to go into detail.

Or, if you want to get back, next time you get clothes as a gift, just hand it straight to her right after you unwrap and say,. "I know your wanting it it anyways. Just spare me the headache of asking again."

I think she's just kidding. Our adult kids make similar comments when we get the grandkids clothing because there is a big hand me down cycle going on in the family, which I think is nice. Maybe it's a bit self centered in bringing the conversation back to her but she's excited to be expecting. I say it's no biggie. I'd let it go. If it bothers you a lot, and if you plan to have more children, just say oh, I don't know about that, we might have to see what gender our next one is going to be before I let go of this cutie.

I love seeing the clothes my babies wore on their little cousins, however, I would find it rude to have someone make such comments. They are your clothes, feel free to hand down, or not hand down whatever you wish. It sounds like you have already given her a lot. If she takes the clothes and does seem grateful, maybe she is just excited and hasn't grasped tact. I don't know about you, but I have said things on occasion that I shouldn't have or didn't come out the way I intended, possibly that is what is happening too! Good Luck! Oh, and I always wind up going nutty when my nephew is wearing an outfit from my boys, I seriously love it and it takes me back to when my guys were babies!

It's up to you what you "give" and what you "keep". If you are planning on having more children, then keep a few things that you really liked or that still have tags on them. Otherwise, be happy that you don't have to store all that stuff!

IMO, I think it's a little tacky for her to make the comments, but b/c you have been handing things "down" for a while (and haven't told her otherwise)she probably does assume. I would let this one go...

I agree with you - your SIL is rude! Just because you are family, she should not expect you to give her clothes for her son! What if your best friend has a little boy? Besides, what if YOU have another boy? Definately hold onto to the clothes and tell your SIL that you are holding onto them in case you have another boy, and if you don't have another boy, you will sell them to a consignment store to make some money to buy more clothes for your son. That will shut her up!

Oh SILs! Aren't they lovely?!?!

If it were me, I would stop giving her clothes. And only give it to her once in a while, so it doesn't become something expected and she becomes more grateful for it.

Its VERY normal for family to settle into a "when so and so outgrows it, it goes to so and so" routine. Its helpful, not greedy. I'm sure your SIL will pass on the clothes she's done with to another little boy. This is how we all show we care about people and we all save money.
You should take your SIL's comments and compliments. She loves the clothes your son has so much, and she greatly appreciates what you've given her. You should be happy that you've been able to bring joy to your future SIL.

Embrace this family, don't be petty and jealous. Give her the things you are done with, and enjoy the good feeling you get when you give.

My SIL has done this. I take it has we both have the same taste. My neice came to my daughter's party, saw an outfit and wanted it for herself. I told her just wait a bit, you'll get it when B is done with it... OK :-)

As for what you do and don't give her its completely your choice. They were given to YOUR son so its up to YOU what you hang on to and what you pass down.

Maybe she's calling dibs to let you know that 1. she won't mind hand me downs. and 2. if you do have other friends that you are passing down to, she'd like that one for Hayden.

M.

That is rude! We are very lucky in that my daughter has quite a few sources of handme downs. I can't imagine making such comments and I always make sure to Thank you card is sent and I'll give them a gift card to somewhere I think they will enjoy every once in awhile. I'd have to say something becuase if you don't the comments will continue. I liked Tripletmom04s suggestion.

I agree with Denise P.

But also wanted to add - my In laws are the same exact way. I had a baby right before Thanksgiving just at the same time SIL found out she was pregnant. MIL and SIL went shopping and bought a few things for my baby and when they were given to me was specifically told that we purchased these so that when you are done they will be givin to SIL for her baby. Even at Christmas I was told "Oh I bought that outfit b/c I thought SIL baby would look so cute in it". My thoughts were - well if you thought they would look good on her baby give her the gift instead of giving to my child and then telling me it goes to her baby. Oye... Not sure how some peole think this way.

I had a friend give me all a lot of her son's clothes when I was pregnant with my last one. He was my second boy and only 2 years behind the next, but we weren't planning on a 3rd kid and we gave EVERYTHING away. Well, when he was about 6 months old her cousin found out she was expecting a boy and she asked me for it all back!! Even though she told me I could keep it. I went through and gave her back what I knew was hers. If I didnt know for sure, I didn't give it. And she called asking for other tops or bottoms and I told her that the clothes were given to me and had I known she would want them back I wouldn't have taken them. Not with 3 young kids to manage and working full-time. No way!! So I stopped giving things to people unless I wanted to. I don't care what comments are made at all. You shouldn't either :). Give her what you want and keep what you want. You may have another boy one day and want to see him in some of the same clothes!

My sister and I have 4 boys between us and our brother just had a boy. The clothes have gone from hers to mine, then back to her youngest and back to my youngest. Throughout we have thrown out stuff that has gotten worn or stained and we have each kept a few of our "favorites". Now everything we had is going to our brother. I love that it all gets used and it's fun to see things on the baby that I remember even my oldest wearing :) But I can see how her comments would be irritating. Try to ignore them. Pass down what you want and keep your favorites. Are you done having babies? If not, I'd ask her to be sure to hang on to everything as you may have another of the same sex and don't want to have to start a completely new wardrobe.

I think her comment about not having to buy anything was meant as a thank you, but you didn't take it that way. In my family the clothes make the rounds more than once! And nobody has to ask, they are given freely. All but one tacky sister in law. We all gave her everything we had when she was pregnant and threw her a great shower and bought her all new stuff. Then, when another member of the family was pregnant - the crazy girl sold all the stuff in a garage sale! Talk about some pissed off inlaws! That was over 20 years ago and it's still a fact. That girl is still tacky and selfish. My point is - It doesn't hurt to keep the peace with the in-laws. What's a few hand me downs really? Besides, why wouldn't you want to give them to your nephew? I love my baby nieces and nephews and it makes me proud to do for them.

It's good you let the first few comments slide. It's also good you are wise to what she is doing! I would be the same way. Give her this or that when the time comes, but you are obviously under no obligation to give her everything! The more you give, the more she will expect...and this could translate away from clothes & into bigger more expensive things later. If in the future she asks why you didn't give her something, claim sentimental attachment & you don't want to part with it. If she doesn't like that, too bad.

I would go through my son's clothes once they are outgrown, keep what I want and give her the rest. I would ignore the comments. I would also ask for certain things back IF they ARE something you want back. Sheesh. Some people!

If this isn't going to by your last child you could say you want to hold on the the stuff for your next kid and will only be getting rid of everything when you are positive that you are done. Good luck.

I wouldn't give her anything esp if your son is your first child and tell her why. I'm sorry but she is being selfish and rude. I wouldn't take anything more baby wise as a gift from either of them if it's expected to be given away.

I am in the same situation as your SIL. I love getting clothes from my SIL. And I do make comments about some cute dresses her daughter is wearing... saying I hope my daughter will be wearing that someday! I guess I never thought that my comments would be rude. I thought it would be a compliment to her that I like her taste in clothing and I appreciate the clothes so much (I too hardly have to buy any clothes for my daughter). I think she just appreciates it so much that she can't help but comment. I do offer the clothes back to her when I am done with them so she can sell them at a garage sale if she wants. She has not wanted them back... so instead I have taken her out to get pedicures as a thank you!

Really? You want to keep the clothes? Would you feel the same way if this was your sister and not your sister-in-law, I wonder. I hand everything my older son (who is the oldest of his cousins) has worn down to my sisters' kids, and I'm so happy I'm able to save them the money and they are really thankful they don't have to spend it. I don't understand why you would be offended - if you there are some special outfits you want to save I could see keeping those aside, but otherwise why would you not want your child's cousin being able to use your child's clothes. If you have another child, wouldn't you appreciate getting a few hand-me-downs from your sister-in-law? I guess what I'm trying to say is I think you are taking it the wrong way and that your SIL IS grateful - but I of course don't know the whole story here.

That is a bit rude. You don't have to give her anything. You may want to talk to her and let her know how tacky she sounds... I had the first boy in the family, so I gave a lot of my son's clothes to my sister who has three boys. She never expected it but was always grateful. Well, 9 years later I had another son, big surprise, so my sister gives me her boys hand me downs, which a few of them was my first son's. That was pretty neat, made a circle. My daughter was the first grandchild. My older sister had my niece two years later and for as long as it did last I gave her the hand-me downs. The problem was my niece is a small frame built compared to my daughter. Two of my sisters and I were pregnant at the same time, they both had girls and I had my first son. Well, my one sister and her husband said their daughter was too good for hand-me downs and she will only wear new stuff. Well that lasted a few years... they now have 5 kids and will take hand-me downs when my other sister gives them.

I always kept a couple of outfits so that I could give to my grandkids that their parents wore. My mom did that for us and I thought that was great and I want to do that. (Not that I plan on having grandkids anytime soon, at least another 15 years++++ and that's the oldest one...)LOL

Personally I think this is a case of misunderstanding. The Mother-to-be and Grandma-to-be are excited about the new baby and they are trying to include you in the discussion. They probably think you they are being appreciative of your generosity by bringing the subject up.

So yes, you are taking this wrong. They are family, give them the benefit of the doubt and don't waste this opportunity to bond with your in-laws.

Wow...I am very surprised at most of the answers here. In this day and age, any money we can save is a blessing. Keep the special clothes and hand down the rest. You will save your sister in law money and help her out tremendously. You don't have to store the clothing, and you get to see another of your family wearing the outfits I am sure you lovingly washed and folded.

If we could all learn to give others the proverbial "shirt off our back" this world would be a much better place.

Are you upset because you have to buy things and she doesn't? I had a third baby (totally unexpected) and my (very young) Uncle gave all my cousins clothes and I didn't have to buy anything and my Uncle was glad to have helped us out. I have said I hope my baby gets a few things my lil cousin was wearing. It didn't feel rude I just loved the outfit! Your SIL probably just loves the stuff. But why are you giving things away? Are you done having kids? You might have another boy in the same season as your first. my oldest are 3 yrs 1 week apart and I had saved everything thankfully. If you don't like her attitude stop giving her stuff but I think its not as big a deal as you think. Is there something else going on? Do you have some animosity towards her because she had a baby right after you did and you feel your son gets less attention from gram and gramps becaue of it? Well good luck whatever you decide to do.

honestly, I would just say that you are holding on to all of these things from now on because you and your fiance may plan to have kids again in the future and you do not want the clothes & toys to get over-used/faded/lost etc. You are keeping them new as possible by storing them at home. Then kindly ask her when she gets a chance to return the clothing you have given her. (truthfully- you never know if you WILL have another son!)

If she has a problem with it, gently remind her that lots of parents buy & purchase their own items for their kids.

I love seeing my nieces in my daughters' hand-me-downs. They grow out of things so quickly, especially when they are little, it's nice to share them. Her comments may be a little less than tactful, but it's very possible that she sees them as a compliment to you and your taste in clothing for your son. Or maybe it's just chit chat, cute conversation, etc. My sister and I are very open about what we do and don't share. More than once I've reminded her to hold on to clothes that she wants her 2nd daughter to be able to wear - my kids are pretty rough on clothes sometimes (I don't have "dainty" girls!) As the kids get older their taste gets more individualized and we find that there's less to share - makes me sad. I LOVE getting a big bin or bag of clothes that I'm done with out of my house! :)

In the end you get to choose what to share and what to keep. Personally, I hope that her comments don't stop you from sharing. I bet your nephew will look adorable in your son's outfits! :) Any opportunity we have to help others is a good thing, regardless of their reactions and comments.

She may be joking or teasing. Think of it as a compliment she likes your taste.
Talk it over with her, tell her you want to be able to keep some of your baby's things as keepsakes or for a second child. Offer to go shopping with her to pick out some nice stuff for her baby. Part of the thrill of having a new baby is to be able to go shopping for the baby to pick out clothes and decorations for the nursery.

I agree with Charlotte Z. I'm surprised at the responses here. I was the first in my family to have a baby, and I love seeing my nieces now wearing and loving the things my daughter used to wear. I have been blessed in many ways and it is a pleasure to be able to share so much with my brother and sister and their little girls.

I suppose your SIL's comments are a little tacky but that's not really something to get worked up and resentful about. Besides, it sounds like most of the items commented about were gifted to you. My advice: give, and give joyfully. It's really very rewarding.

My neice was like that with my daughter in law over my granddaughter's clothes. My daughter in law was irratated by it and I don't blame her but I just pointed out that she hasn't learned manners and isn't thinking how it sounds to others when she does that. I told my daughter in law that she isn't required to share anything with my neice or anyone else, so if she wants to share them after the baby outgrew them, it is ok, otherwise we will just tell her that she is saving them for future children or keepsakes. Be honest with your sister in law to be, tell her that you aren't sure how to take all the gimmie remarks and it puts pressure on you to give up things you may like to keep. My guess is that she doesn't realize how it sounds to you. Another way you can do it is when she gets a cute outfit or gift tell her "Oh when you are done with that, I want it" but I bet you can get through to her with just talking with her.

With your SIL's last comment, she really is showing her appreciation. It really sounds like she likes your taste and she would like to save money. Perhaps some day she will be in the position to return the favor. It also sounds like she is reaching out to you. They are of course your clothes to do with as you please. I've just had my third and my other two are quite older. I've been enjoying reusing, recycling. I have what I call "keepers," a handful of very special items I will keep and hand down for my kids' kids (things w/o elastic or easily replaceable elastic, sweaters, etc), consignment bag so I can earn a credit for more shopping for my LO, and give aways. Perhaps sort your items like this, and certainly if you are not done, keep anything you want and just let her know should she ask that you are saving for your next one. That is certainly an ok option.

honestly i would just blow it off. i know that doesn't help much. myself and both my sisters all have boys. so my oldest son wears some of my oldest nephews old clothes and he is about 11. so we have always passed clothes down. if one of us has a girl we are sol so to speak. :-) if my brother in law would ever have a child i would gladly pass down my boys clothes. granted he has to get a girlfriend first but i am holding onto hope, even though i have known him for close to 10 yrs.

Updated

honestly i would just blow it off. i know that doesn't help much. myself and both my sisters all have boys. so my oldest son wears some of my oldest nephews old clothes and he is about 11. so we have always passed clothes down. if one of us has a girl we are sol so to speak. :-) if my brother in law would ever have a child i would gladly pass down my boys clothes. granted he has to get a girlfriend first but i am holding onto hope, even though i have known him for close to 10 yrs.

I guess that would get annoying after awhile, but is it possible that it is just her way of complimenting the cute things your son receives as gifts? I think you have done the right thing by letting it slide. My husband's family often gets a lot of our hand me down items. His niece recently had a baby and we gave them most of my son and daughter's items. Clothing, furniture,bassinet, swing, carseat etc. but it wasn't until we were finished with it. Honestly, it is nice to have someone to give the clutter to. Otherwise it was stuff that would have gone to Goodwill. Actually I chose to give a ton of items to a mission around Christmas time instead of checking with family members first because we have provided a lot of things to them. It feels good to give things away. I can totally see your point, but unless she starts showing up on your door step trying to strong arm you into giving up items you are still using then that is one thing, but if it is something you don't really need anymore or not keeping for sentimental value then does it really matter? I truly believe that the more we are able to share with others, we reap rewards from it ten times over.
Hope this helps!
A.

I got a lot of hand-me-downs from a friend, but it was always expected that I give them back when I was done, since she had a younger son. I know I made comments from time to time about how her older was wearing something cute and we couldn't wait to get it, but it was all in jest. I don't think your SIL's being selfish, just maybe not thinking about how you're taking it.

It is REALLY nice when someone gives you hand-me-downs because then you don't have to buy as many clothes. I can speak firsthand to that.

I am really surprised with some of the answers on this website. I have been on both sides of this exchange (received and given baby things) and I really think it is no big deal to share. I had a problem similar to this with my sister in law as well. When asked, she plainly refused to pass anything along to my son even though her son outgrew everything (he is 3 years older) and they weren't planning on having any more children. Instead, she decided to save everything in her crammed apartment and purchased more storage space to do it. My other sister in law, on the other hand, went to great lengths to forage whatever she could to help my husband and I prepare for our child. And she only has daughters! Whether you decide to share or not, try to understand that your sister in law is not being selfish or rude. Like most of us, she is just wanting to save some money and would appreciate the help. You're family and she probably didn't think she had to watch how she made her requests. Perhaps, I am not sentimental enough, but it is pretty pointless (and petty) to save all these "momentos." They only take up space and collect dust. When our son started outgrowing his clothes, toys, etc., we gave his things to another mother at our church who was having twin boys (Lord, help her). She was extremely grateful and it felt great helping someone else. Not sure if you resent having purchased your baby things, and you think everyone else should do the same, but know that your sister in law would be very grateful and that she would certainly help you down the road.

Be the bigger person and just give her the clothes. It won't matter years from now anyway.

My sister had twins in August, and I told her the honest truth: I would get resentful if someone I loaned clothes to ruined them, and it's so easy to do that--spitup, diaper blowouts, etc. So, while I generously loan maternity clothes and baby clothes, I reserve the right to keep some of my favorite stuff as just mine. (Keep in mind that some people I trust more than others: my sister-in-law, I loaned very few things. My sister, I loaned quite a bit.) Although we just had our third, and *think* we might be done having kids, I am still holding on to some things, for two reason--one, I'm not positive we're done, and until I am, I'm not getting rid of all our baby stuff, and two, I DO want to keep some things just as nostalgia, and I'm not far enough removed yet to make the call as to what to keep and what to get rid of. WHEN I get rid of, I will probably offer dibs to family. Anyway--if there's any chance at all that you're not done, I would use that as an easy reason--we might have another, so I'm holding on to my stuff.