Sister-in-Law Drama

Simply tell her that the living arrangements are not working out and she MUST find other arrangements. If hubby isn't happy about it he can leave as well.

L.

#1 Let her clean your house! It's one less thing for you to worry about.
#2 She should absolutely not discipline your child (unless you are away & he/she does something very obviously wrong that endangers someone or the like). She should absolutely never yell at your child (unless he's doing something dangerous where he could get hurt).
#3 If she is just complaining to your husband about minor things, let it go, as long as your husband lets it go. However, if she is trying to come between you & your husband, then he (not you) needs to talk to her & say she is overstepping her bounds. Anxiety or not, she should not make your life hell as you are being kind enough to let her live with you.

Okay... your SIL seems to have mental problems or OCD or something.
The thing is: HER maladies... is affecting everyone... and causing a disruption. This is the sign that her issues ..... is an issue and not just a passing personality thing.
She seems obsessive. Mentally off.

This is YOUR home and kids... you need to AND with your Husband.... have "rules." And boundaries.

The thing is: she is a transient visitor... there for now. So, she has no place to "rule" your home... nor your kids.
I would just be bluntly honest with her... and she is bad mouthing you and your kids.

DOES your Husband stand up to her?
He needs to.
That is HIS home and HIS wife and HIS kids... too.
Not hers.

She is a menace. Causing problems. She is the instigator and the cause of it all. She is making 'your' home... HERS.
So... that has to stop.

Your Husband, is key in all this... if he keeps letting her do this, she will. It is not her home. She cannot trump you... YOU are the Mom and the Wife. YOU have a place in the home... and she is ousting you.... and IN FRONT of your kids.
I would NOT stand for that.
Your Husband has to see that.

Tell her to leave.
The thing is, you are doing her a 'favor' by letting her stay there.
She does not see that.
She has a sense of "entitlement" about it all.
That is the least of her issues.
Really, she has a mental illness..... because it is causing a "disruption" to normal everyday home life... and she CANNOT cope... and cannot be normal. She is not normal.
She is causing damage.

I hope your Husband sees that.

He can let you and his kids be a 'doormat' for her... or not.

Your SIL is mentally ill... has some real issues there.
to say the least.
Anxiety is NOT the only mental problem she has.
She needs therapy.
She seems OCD as well.

Geez, she even wants to throw out your family pet?
C'mon... stand up to her.
AND your Husband.
It is NOT her home.

PRIMARILY as well... she is causing a disruption to your KIDS. Your kids.
Their well-being.
C'mon... for me, that is the limit. And the time to NOT put up with her.

all the best,
Susan

A peaceful solution ? Get that woman out of your house. She is disrespectful and sounds ridiculous. Open the door and say " you gotta go. now. " There should be no conflicts to begin with, so put an end to it.

It really sounds like she has some sort of mental illness, not just simple anxiety...if your husband is bothered by her frequent calls and bombardment when he gets home (and I would expect him to be) then he should talk to her.
I wouldn't worry about the cleaning--be grateful--but some of the other stuff is way out of bounds.
Hang in there.

I'll trade you. You can have my SIL!

I agree that it sounds like she has OCD. You are not going to be able to change her behavior, but you do need to talk to her. Just let her know that you appreciate all the stuff she is doing, but she needs to understand that it is not her place to discipline your child. You also need to let her know that if she has any problems with you that she should feel comfortable to talk to you about it. Just let her know that you feel like there is tension in the house and that you want to find a way to fix it. If nothing else, just remember December is only 5 months away.

I think it's time for her to go live with someone else! You don't need that stress.

Put your foot down. It's your house too after all! Tell your husband that she has to leave, or she has to get into a therapist for a diagnosis and treatment of her anxiety and OCD type disorders. Let him know that you're at your wits end with her and something has to give. If nothing else works, just let your husband know that you'll be staying at your mothers until his sister leaves.

Sounds to me that she has a mental illness; certainly anxiety and maybe obsessive/compulsive disorder. I don't know why she is living with you but whatever the reason she is most likely depressed about having to be there. Is she seeing a therapist? If not I suggest that your husband should encourage her to do so. There are some very good medicines that will help her feel better and thus help the whole family too.

I suggest that you and your husband sit down together out of her earshot and without the interruptions of children and decide on the boundaries that you can live with. Put them in writing. Then your husband should discuss with his sister what he will and will not accept from her in the way of her behavior.

I also suggest that you let her clean the house. This does help her manage her excess energy. But she definitely should not be allowed to dictate anything about the way you and your family live. Your husband should make clear to her that her behavior has not been acceptable. It is understandable that your husband can ignore her behavior, if that's what he's doing, because he's not there and he's not responsible for running the household But he should be concerned about how you're feeling and how to make life more tolerable for you. It's difficult to have a someone living with you without them wanting run your life.

Would it be possible for her to have a section of the house to which she can be expected to remain part of the time so that she and you can have privacy? We had relatives staying with us from time to time as I was growing up and they had a bedroom to themselves and voluntarily stayed in their room during much of the evenings. They helped with housework. They helped with children too but they agreed with the way my parents were raising us. So, staying in her room at least part time is a reasonable requirement.

There have to be consequences for her when she misbehaves. I consciously use the word misbehave because she is acting like a child, demanding that you do things her way. I don't know what to suggest for consequences since I don't know her situation and why she is staying with you.

I suggest that once you and your husband make boundaries clear to her that she will fight back big time but in the long run you'll be better off.

How does your husband respond to her waiting up to talk with him and tell him everything she doesn't like. If I were him, especially after working those long hours, I would find it draining and I'd be irritable to everyone as a result. I'm guessing that her taking up his time after he comes home takes away from your limited time with him. He certainly has the right to tell her he's not listening and then leave the room. He could suggest that she could write down her complaints and leave them for him. That would give her a way to release some of her angry energy without taking up your husbands time and energy. He can choose to read them or not.

Your husband needs to make it very clear that she is to co-operate with you; that you are in charge, and if she doesn't like what is going on that she should go to her room. She absolutely should not be allowed to correct your child.

You need to take a firm but loving stand with her. You decide what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Do not allow yourself to be controlled by her crying! When she corrects your child, you tell her in a firm and calm tone of voice to stop. What is key here is to feel in control so that you are able to do this without anger. It's similar to the way it sounds like you want to raise your son. Think of her as a child in a larger
body. You are in charge! Once you're able to feel confident in your ability to be in charge you'll feel much more in control and less like a victim of her emotions.

You're in an extremely difficult position. I would not have her living with me when she's acting this way. I was in a much less abrasive situation when my brother lived with me. I had difficulty enforcing my boundaries and went back to counseling to help me feel comfortable telling my brother that he could not have his birds and dogs in my house. Looking back I wonder why I allowed them to be in my house destroying my rug and upsetting my routines. My brother was angry and it took both of us a couple of months to realize that I meant business so that he did move them out.

Both you and your husband need to take back your home. If she's unable to co-operate it's essential that she move out. Again, I don't know her circumstances but from my experience with my brother I know that it's possible that she has alternatives. My brother was unemployed. He could've received assistance if he'd not been living with me. He has mental health difficulties and did get into counseling which helped tremendously. Fortunately, he's a veteran and received help from the VA medical facility.

Your sister in law doesn't have that resource but you might be able to find another resource for her. I suggest that you start with a counselor who is aware of community resources and could help you deal with this situation.

I also suggest that if she's an adult, she doesn't have to live with you. The street is not a good alternative but could it be a possibility. Does she know that she's living with you out of the kindness of your hearts and that she has some responsibility towards getting along? Can your husband demand that she get medication and counseling? A general practitioner can prescribe and it would be worth your paying for her to see one to have her deal with her mental illness.

You have my empathy and encouragement to stand up for yourself and your family. It is not fair for you to have to continue to deal with her attitude and behavior. I just saw a post from you asking about school district help for pdd for your son. I responded with the idea it stands for pervasive development disorder. If I understand correctly, I'm even more concerned about the way you have to deal with your sil. You absolutely have to find a way to set boundaries with her even more so now that I know more about your home situation.

Later: I just saw your last sentence. There is no peaceful solution. You are wanting peace but not having to pay a price for it. You've seen that peace at any cost is not working. Now it's time to upset the status quo so that over the long haul you can have peace.

This reminds of the skill of non-violent communication. They have a web site and written a book about how to assertively talk with someone in ways that create the possibility of a more peaceful relationship. However, I want to temper the hope for peace with your sil when you change the way you use words by saying I do believe she is mentally ill and the usual ways of coping frequently don't work. I still urge you to read up on this method of communication because it will help you feel more at peace and will help you more successfully communicate with your husband as well as others.

Great responses, especially from Karen N. and Tracy C. I would try to let some things go, like the cleaning, but the kids are TOTALLY off limits - deal breaker off limits, go find a shelter somewhere off limits. You can do your part to try to come to a peaceful solution, but ultimately it depends on her. Don't beat yourself up if there's friction. She is causing it, not you. You can't control other people. Your priority is to take care of your children. I hope things get better and that December magically arrives tomorrow.

To me, it sound like her compulsive cleaning and perfectionist behavior stems from control issues (as in, her having lack of control in certain areas of her life manifests as her being excessively controlling with her environment and the people in her environment). It's a coping mechanism... I doubt that you confronting her about her behavior will bring any positive results--and that might make her feel even more powerless. Not sure why she's now living with you, however I suspect something exists that relates to her feeling like she can't control the direction of her life and/or dependency on others.

It doesn't sound like asking her to leave before December is an option. I would suggest that you and your husband come up with a plan of how to respond to her compliants/suggestions. Pick your battles... If she wants to clean the house all day--great... She can come clean my house when you're done! But the children are yours and your husband's to parent (and includes the fate of your pet since it impacts the kids).

Good luck! Technically, only 4 1/2 more months until December 1st. Hopefully, when she leaves, you will have managed to avoid any lasting family rifts.

I'm sorry that this is so tricky. I am sure you love your sister and want to help. But it's your home. That means you get to make the rules. She can abide by them or get out. There are shelters in every city. If she goes to one she will have to follow their rules.

It sounds like she feels the need to take over your home and tell you how to run it. She sure wouldn't like my 4 cats, 2 dogs, and 2 birds, not to mention 5 chickens! Most people would describe me as obsessive about cleaning!

Number 1 talk with your husband and tell him how you feel and what is going on, he needs to know if he does not already.
#2 Make a list of things that she can and can not do with the children and your house. and your husband bothering your husband when he comes home after working those hours is not what he needs and tell her so.
#3 Let he know that if she does not follow the house rules she will need to go some place else. It is your and your husbands house and YOUR CHILDREN. She is not to make her rules in YOUR HOUSE.
#4 She need to have a medication for the OCD problem there is one out there. just like there is one for the anxitiety disorder.
THIS IS ALL HARD BEEN THERE ALSO.
Keep reminding her and correct her then and there about the rules, it will catch on.
The pet is your families and she has nothing to do with it, if she does not want it loose in the house she can go in to her room and when it is put up she can clean. but not touch the pet for any reason.
POST THESE RULES WHERE SHE CAN SEE THEM AND LET HER KNOW THAT THESE ARE THE NEW RULES OF THE HOUSE FOR HER.

I'm sorry but you are going to have to talk to her! she is a guest in your home not the other way around. there's not wrong with her helping but she cannot run your house for you. and you should talk to her in front of your husband so that she can not lie on you later. and let her know that bothering your husband as soon as he gets home after he has worked all day long is not going to continue. he is tired and just wants to come home and relax. don't mean about ot but you have to take control back of your house. because after i read the post i had to go back and reread to make sure that she was the guest and not you! good luck and you are in my prayers!

sometimes when outside family members come into the situation with all their own advice and rules and regulations they think they are helping when actually they are making things very hard. i think you and your husband should talk with her in a non confrontational way. maybe ask someone to watch the kids and go out to dinner with her and your husband. you should also not worry about her bothering your husband, chances are he is used to it since it is his sister. she probably has been like this since they were younger and he either knows how to handle it, or just lets it roll off his back. either way you should definately talk with your husband and find out what he thinks. i know its hard to get everyone together, but remember this is your family and your household and you shouldn't feel miserable in your own castle. good luck

It sounds like your sister in law has some serious mental problems. You need to sit down with your husband and come up with some guidelines and rules of the house, then talk to her together about what she can and cannot do in YOUR house. She is a guest, and she doesn't get to make the rules. Make it very clear to her that if she has a problem with you, she should talk to you. Is she seeing a counselor? If not, try to find her one through a church if you have that contact. Why is she in your home? Is there a possiblility of her leaving before December? You must put your child's needs first, and if she can't be peaceful around him and leave him alone, she can't stay.
I wish you all the best with this.

Well first its your house not hers. You sound like you been gracious towards her. Something are best to let go..but its a whole different story when someone is living with you for 6 mo.
If your not home and you leave her in charge of your child and your child does does inapporiate I think its ok that your child is reprimanded but not if your there with her.
I would sit down with her and be calm and just say want you need to say ONCE. You loose ground if you repeat and see may think your not so sure about what you said.
1. I would start by saying something positive about her..something you admire. Your glad she is staying with you.
2. its ok if you want to clean but this is my house and I feel comfortable for my child to sit on the floor. We can calmly disagree on this point but you have to respect me this is my house.
3. The guinea pig is off limits. Thank you for your concern but he is a member of our family and he is staying.
4. Fridays I like to go out to lunch with just my husband and my kids.
5. Lets try to make this experience as pleasant for everyone.
6. Is there something that we could do together..could she share a hobby with you
7. Remember its always better when there is no strife and we are all getting along.

At the end of the day she is living in your house and has to live by your rules , if she doesn't like any of you then why is she with you. She has no right to dicsipline your son , unless she is looking after him and feels the need to , she cannot get rid of your pet either. I would choose a time (weekend for example) when your husband is home and have a sit down talk between all of you , you need to let her know exactly what it is that you don't want her to do and go from there.

I have a long fuse and may have put up with most of that (even if she is OCD), right up to the point she is correcting and yelling at MY child. Then she would most definitely hear it from me!! She has no right to anything as far as your child goes unless he is doing something against her personally. Otherwise - the house rules shouldn't change because she is there. If she doesn't like your house the way it is, she really needs to find somewhere else to go. If she doesn't have anywhere else to go, she should be grateful to you for offering your home.

I wouldn't wait for your husband. But - let him know that you are going to talk to her. If he wants to intervene, fine, but it sounds like he's had plenty of time to have done that already. You're the in-law, it's o.k. for you to have to be the bad guy. Your husband is related to her and it would be harder for him. Plus - poor guy is never there so he's just caught in the middle. Work it out now before you blow up. I have seen marriages break up because of unwanted house guests. You need to take care of this before it gets worse. Don't let her crying get to you. It's just her release, not the end of the world. God bless you for putting up with it this long!

From personal experience with someone who is like that, it is a difficult situation to be in. However, she is living at YOUR house, so she should conform. Also the obsession she has to make everything clean has to do with HER feeling comfortable living there, not you. It doesn't bother you but it bothers her. Don't take it personally that she cleans up. It is her own paranoia. You simply have to give her a choice. Either try to accommodate a little mess while she lives there or you try to compromise with her cleaning. If you both cannot absolutely compromise and she doesn't have to live in your house, then you may have to tell her to find another option!

My therapist says say what you mean with kindness and man up to your feelings. She says if they can't handle how they are feeling that is not your problem it is theirs. Let her know that if she wants to clean that is fine you are thankful she is there and wants too. Let her know that you are an adult and as such you would like to talk about any issues that she might have together instead of going through your husband as he works long hours it is the respectful thing to do. Own your feelings and let them be heard. You are not responsible for her feelings. If she cries so be it. Sometimes confronting ends the conflicts. If all else fails and she can't get over it you can tell her she is more than welcome to find somewhere else to stay that might meet her needs better. Be empowered to speak and do it with a spirit of respect. You can do it!

Say "thank you" to the cleaning and butt out on all the rest!

I would be so happy if my sister-n-law (or anybody for that matter) was over here cleaning all day. However, it sounds like she is a bit excessive. It is hard to live with relatives or have them live with you. I have done it both ways and neither time did it work out great. I learned some things though. There can never be enough love for a child. You can use this time to build your child's relationship with her aunt. Take advantage of this time to have her babysit and do some things for yourself while you have the chance....go get a manicure, go out for coffee with a friend for an hour, go exercise. Have her play with your baby while you take a bath. Have her help you cook too. She would probably be elated if you asked her to help you. It would be a win win depending on how you approach it. Good luck!

December is a long way away and things will only get worse unless you set up some boundries, house rules and communicate.

You (and probably your husband) need to sit down with her and calmly and maturely tell her how you're feeling. Then allow her to calmly and maturely tell you how she is feeling. Come to the table with ideas about how to make the situation better and encourage her to express her ideas, as well. Write down how each person would like things to be. Hopefully, you can work it all out together. The biggest solution to this situation is communication. Try sitting down once a week to discuss how things are going and how to improve. Make sure you have a certain day and time written down so that you will be sure to meet each week.

If the situation is getting better then keep working on it until December. If not, then you need to give her one or two weeks to make other arrangements. You and your child should not have to sacrifice your happiness in order for your SIL to have a place to live. There must be other options for her.

Good luck and God bless.

Hi S.,

Sounds very stressful and I think you are a saint for helping your sister in law. If you are a stay at home mom, you are impacted the most by this. I think you need your husband's help in resolving it. He's probably torn between the two of you and too tired to deal with it at all. Please try to protect your relationship with him because he is your greatest ally in this situation. If he feels well and is rested, actually able to get out of the house into the world each day, my thinking is that it will be easier for him to be more objective at home about the situation = better able to help you set some boundaries for your "guest".

Several years ago, we allowed one of my friends to stay with us as she and her husband were relocating from another state. The situation was not nearly as tense as yours (not family, no kids involved) but we began to dread going home to our own house! This guest took other liberties that became difficult for me to deal with--the result was that I began to have some migraine headaches. At that point, my husband said she needed to go and either I could tell her, he could tell her or we both could tell her. My hero! So I told her that it was not working out well and that if she continued to stay it would do irreparable damage to our friendship--and she understood. Problem solved and she was gone within a week or two. It wasn't really THAT hard for her to find another place to live.

If you/she have no other alternatives for a place to live until December, it's probably time to work on some boundaries with your husband privately and then all three of you must meet to deliver them. She needs to hear that your husband is standing up for you.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and try to avoid letting the stress take a physical toll on you. That was the bottom line for us.

Simply put...it is time for her to go! Express your concerns with "your" husband and let him know how you feel and that you will talk with her. Follow up by calmly requesting that she make time for you both to discuss the situation and how it makes you feel. Then I would have proceed to "politely" inform her of who is Queen in the home.
If your husband didn't make you feel uncomfortable and incompetent, why should another woman be able to come into your domain and proclaim such? (!) Your husband will need to support whatever decision you make for a united front.

Let her clean -- it's annoying, but there are some good things about it, like: she cleans your house.

Tell her, "Please don't yell at my child." If she does it again say, "Do not yell at my child." If she does it a third time say, "Don't yell at my damn child or you're out of the house." That will shut her up.

Your husband should say, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Goodnight sister."

It's really not that hard. She'll have to deal with her anxieties herself.

Sounds like your SIL is OCD about germs, I am too & BELIEVE me, I drive my family NUTS, especially my husband. I have a SIL that cries over everything & takes things so literally I had to sever ties w/her b/c she is so immature for an almost 50 yr old, none of us can stand her but have to put up w/her b/c she's related. Just keep in mind that it's best to hurt feelings w/truth than w/lies b/c it's your house & she's a guest so she needs to be respectful and abide by your household rules. It sounds like you will just have to be assertive and say "you are not the disciplinarian nor the parent" b/c that is your job. Now, I feel, being an adult & relative, she does have some authority to discipline your child if you're not there to witness it or if the child may danger himself then it may be appropriate for her to step in and say "no, that's dangerous" but that would be the only time I feel appropriate. I grew up in the era that it was perfectly fine for an adult relative or neighbor (if we were visiting the neighbor or friends) to discipline us b/c they were related & 'older' and family members are supposed to watch out for ea other. Same goes w/adult friend or neighbor, if we went to their home, it is THEIR home, their rules so we had to abide by that & they could correct us & it was perfectly acceptable. I still feel that way, very much so. If you don't share this opinion that's your decision and you should just make sure SIL brings the 'inappropriate behaviour' to your or hubbys attention right away & it sounds like your SIL is going a bit too far. Just sit her down & just say, bluntly, something like "I know you're trying to help and we appreciate that, you are so very helpful but you are a guest here and we feel that although your are related, you are still our guest and need to abide by our household rules, including 'disciplining' our son. This is not your job nor your responsibility. If you see him in danger or about to do something really bad or inappropriate that we are not aware of, then you need to bring to this to our attention. I am here, my husband works, you need not wait til he gets home to complain to him, that is not acceptable." If she has issues to address, you need to be assertive in telling her that she can come to you w/these complaints. As for the obsessive cleaning & cooking, I would LOVE it if someone voluntarily cleaned & cooked for me so I'd just bite my tongue for those b/c she is trying to earn her keep in that way I think you should accept her help on those. Hope this helps & I do know somewhat where you're coming from but just be assertive & not afraid to say something. Sometimes you have to hurt other's feelings to have some peace in the household or for yourself. Good luck.