Single Mom with the Blues

Hi Rohnda,

Although different, I am also in a blue situation right now. But I have been where you are and I understand exactly how you feel. When I was a single mom, I came to a point where I felt totally isolated. My friends didn't have any kids, so they would go out and party while I stayed home. During the week I would work full time while my kids where in daycare, but I hated the weekends, what was I to do with so much time and nobody to hang out with? We had a new co-worker join our team during that time, she was young like me and also a single mom. She noticed my pain right away, something that nobody else was able to do. She told me, "You cannot do this to yourself, I have been there." She explained to me that if I did not get out there and have a social life away from my kids I was going to end up hating myself and my kids. She found me a babysitter and we went out for a girls night out. I can't tell you enough how much better I felt after that. When I picked up my kids I felt alive again. The next day I was so refreshed, I took my kids to the park and we stayed there all day. My kids are my life, I love them so much and I have so much fun with them. But sometimes...you just need to get away. Especially when they are that little and they are so demanding and you feel like you're drowning. But anyways, that was my situation, and the way I see it, maybe you should get out, or just try to join a group of other moms in your area.

Sounds like you need new friends. Go to Meetup.com and join some groups, what are your interests? I was a mother at 21, and it was very difficult, but this is the life we chose. Embrace it, work around it, go find some new friends, go visit places w/ your boys, and if you need help just email me at ____@____.com, and let's go do some things together! =)

If they are true friends you should be able to go and talk to them straightforward. Call them and tell them-I need to go somewhere tonight and get out of the house. If they still do not respond then you and your friends may have just grown apart.
You know your friends best on how to approach them, if you feel you can than you should, but if it would be more of a conflict than it may be best to leave things as they are.

Are you involved with a church do they have a church group for single mothers. I attend First Baptist Church of Euless here is the website www.firsteuless.com.
We have several different groups and programs for singles, married couples, and kids.
here is the website www.firsteuless.com

Also our ladies class will be meeting this saturday b/w 315 and 330 at tinseltown for dinner and a movie:
Here is the info
Just a reminder of our class event coming up on Saturday, March 15. Plan to meet at Cinemark Tinseltown in Grapevine (by the Main Event, Olive Garden, etc.) between 3:15pm and 3:30pm - outside the front entrance.

The following movies are showing about the time we arrive, so please arrive as early as possible so we can get tickets and easily find our seats:

Horton Hears a Who (rated G) - 3:50pm
College Road Trip (rated G) - 5:15 (may have to eat first; but should purchase tickets first)
The Bucket List (rated PG-13) - 3:55pm
Vantage Point (rated PG-13) - 5:20 (may have to eat first; but should purchase tickets first)

I'm leaning toward The Bucket List. Afterwards we can go to Olive Garden, Red Robin, or any of the other numerous restaurants in the area - we can choose when we arrive.

Admission for all ages at all shows prior to 6pm is $4.00 - what a deal!

You are welcome to bring your families - just remember the movie ratings. In the past, some of the folks chose to attend different movies (that's not quite as fun for us as a group; but it's purely acceptable).

Every once in a while it is nice to go out but you have obligations at home that they will not understand UNTIL they are in the same situation. I am 23 with two kids- had my first at 16... You know even to this day i have not gone to a bar to go play pool or anything... not into the drinking thing... not worth it if i say so myself... You need to tell them how you feel. I am sure that even if they at least drop by then that would make you feel better. If you have a babysitter then plan on making a girls night out... call your friends and make it happen!!!

It sounds like you and your friends are at different forks in the road of life and you don't have anything in common. You have become a mother and have obligations that they don't Remember, friends are like seasons: some to stay and some go. If the friends you have now are not working or only part time, it may be better to seeks new ones - ones with goals and drive. You now have to set an example to your sons and sometimes that's hard. Sit down and write out what you want to do in life and begin a plan and DO IT. Once you become successful you will attract the type of people you want to be around. Keep us posted and continue to grow in your journey of life.

R.,
I've been in your shoes. I think the best advice is that you will probably begin to meet some new friends. It sounds like these friends your speaking of aren't your true friends any longer or you wouldn't feel left out. I think that it is not something to blame anyone for, but just a change of life, and it happended to me as well.

My advice it to start to try and meet new people. You can really find new friends in similar situations that can relate to you. Myself, I started meeting friends at my sons boy scout meetings/ play groups/ and I joined a new church.
Hope this helps, and hang in there. This is a hard job being a mom, and especially a single mom as you are now, but it is also the most rewarding job you'll ever have!!
M.

I know how u feel.... I'm ALWAYS getting depressed. I dont have anyone to talk to either cuz all my friends are away at college. And they're kidless. I have a best friend who is a mom too but she works way too much and we dont hang out that much. But I had to accept that I am a mom now (at my own hand) and its a completely different world and things arent gonna be the same. So I just mainly focus myself at being a mom. But I'm a sahm for the moment so i am free to talk if u ever wanna talk as friends cuz I see we are the same age and have 8 month olds! =)

Hey R.,
Congrats on your 2 sweet boys! I have an 8 month old son myself. One thing that really helped me when I moved here from CA and was very much alone with my daughter was joining a church and then shortly thereafter I joined MOPS. MOPS is an awesome organization (Mothers of Preschoolers)that is faith based but isn't by any means real "preachy". Its about support for women who are moms of infants through preschool. You can google it and find a group near you. Also, look for a mom's group in your area. That will connect you with other women who have kids. You could also look into the community center and see if there's any playgroups or activities for infants. Hope this helps!!

Hi R.,
My name is M. I am a 20yr old single mom of a beautiful 2yr old little girl.

I just read your post and myself too have just recently posted an add about feeling so left alone.

I have been a single mom and basically been alone since i was 16yrs old. I grew up in foster home.

I would love to make a new friend and expecially a single mom who can relate to me and as i can relate to her.

I got taken advantage of in college and when i got pregnant when i was in college my friends basically ditched me.

I have made a couple of friends but they don't have kids and they simply don't understand how hard it is to be a parent or how hard it is to even get away to go out and have fun.

So when i cant spend time with them kidless they basically ditch me.

I can completely understand and relate to you.
If you need a new friend and someone who understands i would love to make a new friend.

Have a wonderful week. Keep your head up!

M. from Plano!

Hi R., congratulations on your beautiful babies. First advice I will tell you because I am a single parent of 3. My first child was at the age of 18, I just finished high school. I never had a lonely or dull moment because my parents helped me. Are your parents around? I knew from that moment my life was going to be different.

Another thing I have learned true freinds you don't have to call them, I have a girlfriend who is more like a sister to me than my own sister, Your life is different now you are not the young lady that was free to do as you please. You are now a young mother.

You do need to take time out for yourself. I don't know how your money situation is, but get a sitter or let your parents give you a time out for your self. Even if it is not being with those friends, creat new ones, go to the movie etc. Don't allow what youself to thing about what your friends are doing because this could get you in a depression because you are not able to go out or do the things they are doing.

Think about what is more important, friendship and going out with those friends, who want pick up the phone and say hello we miss you, can we come by and see you and the twins. I feel life is to short to dwell on things like this, every moment with your children should be counted. You should try buliding new realtionships or setting outings for yourself. Remember you are not the same as you were before. There are two little ones that are apart of your life, so your life has changed it's what you make of it now, You can sit around think about what your friends are doing without you or you could choose what you are doing about YOU. What you have is preious a moment you will not be alone. Some people are alone and have no one to share there love with and you do. Enjoy the moment they will grow up and you will W. where time went. It will take some adjusting but I wouldn't trade a moment for friendship outings. Check in your neigborhood, some churches that have daycares offers a Mother Day Out, where they keep children for a small fee just so Mothers can have a day out for themselves. Be of good cheer it will get better. W.

Hey R.,
My name is Y. & I have 3yr old twin girls & 8yr old twin boys! Let me first say **CONGRATULATIONS MOMMA!!!**
It may be hard at times (especially when they're both screaming for you), but always worth it! You have given birth to not only 1 but 2 miracles & for that you should always remember how special you are, cuz you were 1 of a handful that GOD has choosen to bless with two bundles of joy!! :o)

Me & my girls have dedicated one day a week to our "Girls Nite OUT!" If you cant find a babysitter than try suggesting girls nite at your house. My 2 bff usually come over on thurs/sat nite around 8p, help me get the girls ready (while i get my boys) then we watch a movie or play guitar hero.
Whatever you decide, you should be able & feel comfortable enough to talk to your friends about your needs. If they can't accept or try to comprise with you, well then maybe you need some new friends!
And I am more than willing to lend a helping hand, ear, shoulder, etc......except for diaper changing! I did my share of quadruple diapers in just a week! haha lol!
Take Care & I look forward to meeting you! Y.

Hi R.,
WOW! I'd say at 20yrs old you've got your hands full and it's only going to get busier once your twins start walking! :)

As far as your friends go, I think it's hard for them to relate to you and your situation and that could be why they are conveniently "forgetting to call you". Just think of how life was BEFORE your twins, compared to now.

I think the best thing for you to do is keep in touch with your GOOD friends. It's going to be the quality of friends vs. the quantity of friends that's going to make a difference.

I would also suggest getting involved in a Mom's group.
I'm part of Greater Lewisville Mothers & More and we're filled with young(20's)/older(30's)Mom's. There are TONS of events that take place throughout the month just for our Mom's that you might be interested in like, "Moms Night Out".

I hope this helps and if you have a second - CHECK OUT OUR GROUP! :) www.mothersnmore.com

Thanks,
E.
www.mothersnmore.com

I was in a similar situation in that I was excluded from all my friends. I went through a divorce in Southlake 5 years ago. If you know Southlake's demographic, you know that it is not entirely welcoming to single parents, especially single mothers. I lost almost every friend I had and the ones I kept were just surface. To this day, my closest friends are no longer in Southlake.

By God's grace, I've been able to stay in Southlake. We don't live the same lifestyle, but I must admit I am happier.

They best way to find out who your real friends are is to have a drastic life change that seemingly separates you from the people around you. My father was very accurate when he said the friends I lost were never really friends to begin with.

R., you need to find a lifestyle that suits your life where it is. You are a young single mother with twin boys and, I definitely agree, that is extremely difficult. I believe that God has a plan for you. I can tell you that I spent a lot of time reflecting on how I'd gotten to that point in my life and began to grow myself. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I strongly recommend you find a good single-mothers' program at a local church. They can be very supportive and encouraging. You will begin to network and make friends with people who have the same challenges as you.

Try to bloom where you're planted. In other words, my twin-sister had her children at a much younger age than I did. While she went through the challenges of raising children at around your age, I was pursuing a career and traveling with my husband. Now, the roles are somewhat reversed - she is traveling with her husband and pursuing a college degree and I have "hunkered down" to finish raising my two teenagers and build a business that is conducive to supporting the needs of being a single mom. We've both had really challenging and seemingly impossible circumstances to overcome and we've both had great, easy, growing times.

Your life is not stagnant. This season will pass and you will move into a new season. The key is not to have what you want right now, but rather to want what you already have. Hang in there, stay focused on your kids and providing for them, and you will be blessed beyond measure.

Take care...

Hi R.,

You really have to understand that what you are describing about your friends is not so unusual when it comes to having kids. They probably feel you are in a very different place than them now, you have responsibilities that they really can't even comprehend. They probably think that the "free life" is not something they have in common with you anymore.

I went back and read your past posts that you mentioned above to get a feel for who you are and your situation. It sounds like you've had a pretty rough start in your adult life. So, I have a few suggestions for things you can do with your time instead.
You mentioned last month that your parents are doing quite a lot to help support you since your childrens' father has decided he doesn't want to be responsible. Why don't you find a part time job that will let you work 3 - 4 nights a week during the hours your boys are sleeping? Even if it's operating a cash resgister at WM for a few hours, that will give you an opportunity to see and encounter lots of people and maybe even meet new friends on the job. I'm sure the extra money would help you buy more of what the babies need and help your parents with some of the expenses.
Also, have you considered furthering your education and taking online classes? In the quiet time of the evenings would be perfect to pursue knowledge and skills that will help you live independently in a few years. It would probably be very stimulating for you. I know that comes at a cost but there are ways to get funding for an education.

Lastly, I admire that you say you don't feel so tired at the end of the day with your boys. I also have twin boys that will be three in June and they kick my butt just about everyday. Infact, last night my husband offered to give me a back rub with "no strings attatched" and I told him that I'd rather have the extra sleep. LOL Fortunately for me, he completely understood what I meant!!! :-)

Best wishes to you, I hope you find something that brings you what you're missing right now. I know what it feels like to want to do something else that reminds me I'm more than just a mommy!

G