Single Mom Seeking Advice - Paramount,CA

Hi Andrea,

First of all, let me say that it does not matter if you are married, divorced, a single mom by choice or accident, all children should be supported by BOTH parents and it's a shame that our society makes it acceptable for a man to help a woman conceive, but if he should be asked to add financially, which IS his job also my goodness,it's the end of the world. Give your daughter time, she will come around and if she doesn't,just keep the lines of communication open for her. I'm sure you asked the question about child support to her to probably prepare her for whatever reaction it might bring to the situation, not because you are selfish. If you are in CA,and if you have full physical custody on paper,, then legaly she has to come home. No matter what age children are, unless they are 18 in CA the courts orders are what stand ground. I've got legal representation for my C.S issues and custody in CA, and thats what my attorney told me about the "age" when kids can decide who and where they want to live. Good luck to you, and try not to be so hard on yourself. You have been very UNSELFISH these past 17 years.

I was in the same situation - My son is 16 and did the same thing to me during the summer but you know what he has now appreciated what he has had at home with me and what his Dad won't provide for him "comfort"....because she is a girl maybe its time that she does stay with her dad for a while so let him deal with it financially - don't worry teens are icky she'll come around :)

I have been remarried for 5 years. I have a 14 and a 12 year old from my first marriage. I have had some real struggles with my 14 yr old daughter in the last couple years. She has always been a daddys girl and really struggles with how little he is now in her life. My husband and I have supported our 3 children (a 4 yr old that is ours) with little regular support from my ex. My ex now lives 3 states away and as baddly as my daughter wants to be mad at him for it I think she is affraid to show him. So instead she lashes out at us.
I wander exactly why she moved. Did she tell you anything? Did you speak to her father about the move? Whos idea was the move. That said, I think you need to let your daughter experience living with her father. It is nothing against everything that you have done for her and I know that it must be hard for you. I think the best you can do is stay in contact with her. Assure her that you love, support her and will always be there for her. This is just something that she needs to do for herself. Who knows maybe she will find out the grass isnt greener and it will help her realize all you have done for her.
As mothers we always seem to be the providers and fathers seems to get to be the "disneyland dad". Even when you are married moms seem to take this roll. Good luck.

Hi A.:
First, don't feel alone. There are plenty of single mothers out there that have dealt with (Dead beat dads)I believe, these women are to be commended. Not just for their love and loyalty to their children,but for their (spunk)We all know,what it takes to be a mother,but when you assume the role of both mother and father,and take on all financial responsibilities to boot. Ladies..."Take a bow!! Your daughter is a teen, and during this period in her life, comes alot of expense. Hair salons, (Proms) designer this, designer that! School activities,outings with her friends. A car! I'd say you carried the ball far enough by yourself!! You had every right to ask for help.Since he sat back all those years,while you struggled,to see that your daughter had all she needed. Yeah , your darn straight....Ask for the back support! Your daughter, should be asshamed of herself. Treating you this way.I'm guessing, either she believes she will make financial gain, by warming up to her father and moving in,or shes feeling sorry for him,and thinks that by moving in with her father, he (won't) have to pay you the back-child-support. He isn't very bright is he? lol Regardless of where she is living, if you have full legal custody, he is still obligated to pay,all that back!Don't let all this get the best of you.Let your daughter stay with her Looser dad for a while. This will be a good learning experience for her.Maybe she will learn what the word (Loyalty) means. It won't take her long to find out (the type of man he really is,get sick of him and be back home with you. Keep your chin up,and don't give in to his pathetic tactics.The Best to you A..

You are such a loving mother to want more for your children. I remember being a teenager years ago. It is such a confusing time because you are still under the care of your parents and have to follow their rules, yet you are expected by society to be an adult once you turn 18. I would call your daughter and tell her you love her and that you are proud of her. Tell her that you want more for her and her sibling and need help from your exhusband to provide an even better life for the three of you. If she won't listen, just keep telling her you love her and that you are there for her if she wants to talk. I wish you all the best!

If this man for any number of years had no problem not supporting his children, it won't be long before she starts to see what kind of man he is. Just wait til he sees how much she can cost him. As long as she is in no physical danger being with him I would let it ride and just keep in contact with her and let her know she is welcome to come home anytime while leaving it up to her to decide. She is going to be 18 within the next year or so and needs to be able to make this decision for herself. You just need to keep being the bigger person and she will respect you for it. From what I have heard and witnessed, when you have a teen, feeling unappreciated is pretty typical. She'll come around. Be strong.

I'm sorry if this offends you, but you sound very selfish. Look at the situation from your daughter's point of view: A broken home, no father around to be a male role model, and her mother is asking her opinion about child support for herself. I think it's wonderful that your daughter is living with her father. It's so important that daughters have relationships with their fathers, so that they don't go looking for male attention from adolescent boys who just want to get into their pants. Be happy that the father of your daughter welcomed her into his home and life. I don't know if you were married to him (so many women call themselves "single moms" when in actuality, they are "divorced moms"), but you chose this man to be your child's father, whether it was intentional or not. Don't blame your daughter for your poor choices. When you have a child with someone, you are connected to each other for the rest of your lives.

Good luck to you.

I'm curious to know why she moved in with him? Did you and she have a fall out? Or was she tired of being the middle man between you and he? I can understand you being devastated, but maybe it's time that you let her spread her wings and spend some time with her father. Just talk to her and tell her that you would still like to spend time with her regularly. At 17 even the court system won't force her to come back to you. However, if you harbor bitterness or anger toward her or her father then she's more likely to not return to you.
Why in the world do you want back child support now? Seems a little late... personally I would strike up a conversation with the father and see if he'd be willing to front the bills for college which is coming up soon.