SIL Is a Trouble Maker

We have that "favorite grandchild" thing going on as well, and we unfortunately only live 10 minutes away from my in-laws. My husband's youngest brother, who was the baby of the family had kids, and those kids are ho-hahed and babied so much it makes me crazy. Rules that have been rules of the house since the first grandchild was born (and probably before that) have been thrown out the window for these two "favorite babies." It is obvious enough that my daughter notices, and asks "why doesn't grandma ever have me spend the night?"

What makes me snort, at least to myself, is when the other in-laws talk about how bad these kids are; hitting, biting, throwing fits when they don't get their way, and I just think, well yeah, because grandma will literally give them anything they want, and change EVERYTHING just to make them happy.

Sorry, I know this offers very little value to you, I just had to rant.

Thank goodness you live in another state! Pay not attention to the "favorite grandchild" comment.
Raise your child as you wish and treat her child as you wish. Raise your baby to be a polite, respectful, kind child.
Why do you feel you are expected to "give all the time"? Birthday and Christmas, etc....would be enough. I'm not saying you do, but don't give gifts because you expect reciprocation. Only give if you want to. But don't hold the fact that your SIL is a B***C against your niece! She didn't choose her mom.

Well, if I were that unhappy about someone, even a family member, I'd make a point of keeping plenty of distance between us. "Family" is not an edict requiring you to expose yourself or your daughter to toxic behavior.

Send cards for holidays, be civil (cheerful if possible) when you do have contact. If she doesn't feel a need to give gifts (and some people don't), then she probably doesn't have a great need to receive them, either.

Don't expect her to change (never, never works), just learn what to expect and how much contact will allow you to be an adult around her.

And if it were me in your shoes, knowing what I have learned about human nature, I would also be wondering about those qualities and behaviors that infuriate me the most. When that happens, I can usually find a similar tendency in myself that I don't want to see, so I project it onto other people. This understanding has given me many, often uncomfortable, opportunities for personal growth.

As for the small gifts, if you can afford it I would continue, no point punishing the child for the mother, unless you are deciding to cut off contact with them completely. I would also think about having your husband mention to her in a non attacking way how she "forgets" your child's birthday ect.., but let it be your husband since she is his family. As for the child's bad manners, what the mother does with her is her business, but that does not mean you have to cater to it. If she points her finger or snaps for something from you simply say "no, I only get things for polite little girls that ask nice and say thank you".

As for other members (mil and fil I guess) saying GC#1 is the favorite, that is something you husband should confront them about ASAP. He needs to tell them it hurts, and that it would hurt his child to hear. That is blatantly disrespectful and mean, do not stand for it or expose your child to it.

She points and snaps? -eyeroll- Distance yourself as much as humanly possible. She sounds positively rotten.

I tell my kids that sometimes we do things because it makes us feel good inside. My sister is horrible and very unhappy. The key word is VERY UNHAPPY. She has no children and yet criticizes the way I parent. I went down over Christmas after five years and realized that she wants to be just like me. She has no children because it is ALL about her and if she had a child then she would have to share. My best advice is to be happy with yourself and your marriage. Don't really focus your life on her unhappy situation. I feel that you just teach your daughter to be a happy person and if they want to play favorites then that is really their problem. Don't hold back your feelings or emotions for her daughter just because her mother is a snot. Sad people do not like to be around happy people!

I know what your talking about with inlaws. My MIL and SIL used to refer to my oldest son a "Whats his face" and "Him". I just removed my self from the inner circle. I would still get the little girl something small to show her you care. I still get my nephews gifts. I how ever do not acknowledge them anymore. I do say hello and thats it.

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Been there...I have had one too. Just be glad you are not like her and you are teaching your daughter to NOT be like that. Keep giving the gifts if you want to. If not, just stop. My child didn't even know who her gradparents were till she got older. In fact one day she called grandma..."That Girl". They live 10 minutes away...It's their choice to be like that.

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. You want your child to grow up being respectful and that is what you are showing. When your baby sees her cousin getting this "attention", then your child may act out in the same manor. As far as gifts for the neice, unless its a birthday or christmas, I think you should hold off. She is going to think that everytime she sees you she will expect a gift from you and nothing else. Don't be too concerned with the favorite gc#1 right now. Your family will see how much more your child respects and loves them and more positive attention will come your way. As far as the SIL parenting skills, just pray that one day she will wise up. Keep your chin up and keep your child on the right path.

Well, I don't think you are SUPPOSE to give all of the time and probably nobody else thinks you are SUPPOSE to give either, it's just been something that you have chosen to do and you can choose to not do it too. I don't think you should be upset that someone isn't buying gifts also, just because you are choosing to.

Now, as far as her kids are, some of my neices are that way too, and I always make them say please to me if they want something. I will say to them, "can you say please?" and they always do, because they know I won't just jump when they want something. You teach people how to treat you and there is nothing wrong w/ making a kid say please and thank you, if they are right there by you. I would'nt yell it across the room or anything.

Aren't you glad you live out of state? I have two SILs that are difficult, and I choose not to let it bother me. You can't control how they act, but you can choose to not let it bother you. I wouldn't waste any more energy on her.