Sibling Rivalry Getting the Best of This Mama

Congratulations on the adoption. I have 3 sons who are 4 and 3 years apart. We set things up so each child had a job to do for the day, the week, whatever worked at that particular time. We also had each child have a week to sit at a particular place in the car. We also had a family meeting and told the boys how much the bickering upset us. Hope this helps and hang in there. My boys are now young men and do not bicker back and forth to much anymore.

My sister's girls are about the same distance apart and they are loving sweet girls, but they fight all the time. You might try to pay attention to what they fight about and see if you can tap into it. (Ex- if they fight over the same toy, maybe you need to get a kitchen timer to promote fairness.)

Two things my mom did - if we got something to eay (like a bowl of icecream), one would scoop, but the other would pick. This cut out the arguing about "she got more than me!!". (Although I had to admit to my little sister I would intentionally make hollow balls of icecream so she would pick it!! lol)

The other thing was if we got really bad, she'd make us stand and hug each other. I HATED it!! But just the threat of having to hug my sister when I was mad at her was enough to make me stop arguing!!!

Good luck to you!!!

Perhaps start rewarding them for good behavior, and/or working out their differences themselves. I'm sure part of the problem, part of what makes you feel most drained, is that *you* have to be the judge; but if you can get them to handle squabbles themselves, they will feel more accomplished, as if they have more control over their lives (they are growing into men, after all, and need this affirmation), and as if they *can* do it.

I'd suggest having a family conference (or perhaps just your husband and the two boys would be better), and have your husband tell the boys that they're old enough to work out their own problems, and you shouldn't have to be the arbiter. Perhaps they need a few minutes in the meeting, or adjourn the meeting for a half-hour or until the next day, to give them time to come up with some solutions on how they can work on their problems, other than just fighting. They'll probably come up with some good solutions -- some might even surprise you with their ingenuity. But if they don't, or if their "solution" isn't workable (something like, "the offending brother has to stick his head in the toilet while the other brother gets to flush," or some similar immature solution), then you need to be prepared with some of your own. Chore charts, in which you divide tasks evenly between the brothers, have them switch off weeks, or whatever, will help with fighting over who has to feed the dogs, or take them out, or load the dishwasher, or clean the kitchen; and switching off even and odd days for when they get the preferred *whatever* [seat in the car or on the couch, or what program to watch when, or any other trivial matter]. Tell them that they can switch off preferences, if they both agree to it -- say it's the 15th of the month, so it's A's turn to pick what TV show to watch after school, but he traded with B, so that A got to ride in the "best" car seat on the way home from school, and let B pick the TV show.

You can use "the carrot and the stick" approach -- if they last a day or a week without you having to interfere (and without them bickering too much, or coming to blows, or whatever), then they get to stay up an extra half-hour or hour that night, or get to rent a movie that weekend or have a sleepover. But if they don't, then they'll lose half an hour of TV time, or can't stay up late on the weekends. Or something like that. Different kids have different "weak spots" -- your boys may be more affected by losing money if they argue than losing TV/computer/game time. Find out what motivates them (positively or negatively), and use it to your advantage. :-)

It will probably take some guidance from you, and it probably won't be an overnight success, but I think it will help. [I'm trying to do something similar with my boys, although they're younger so I'm still having to intervene more than I'd like. But I read about this approach several years ago from a seasoned mom, and I like it -- it has a worthy goal, and that's what I'm trying to reach.]

This sounds VERY VERY VERY normal to me, for boys, for the ages, for how close in age they are - not to mention their drive to assert dominance has kicked in for both! With one in middle school, expect it to just get worse and hang on for the ride while seeking excellence in parenting! LOVE LOVE LOVE them no matter what! I suggest a 'date" night with each parent for scheduled alone time with one parent, one child, every week so security and relationship can be built and solidified - which will decrease the need for competition over time. Stick with it tho - it may take YEARS before you see noticeable improvement (2.5 yrs for us).

I also suggest reading Cline & Fay's Parenting with Love and Logic. Excellent book on choice-based parenting with natural consequences instead of made-up enforced by parents. Try figuring out their individual love languages as well - The Five Love Languages of Children (or maybe you want to go with the "Teenagers" one) by Gary Chapman. Be frank with them about the sibling relationship most likely being the one relationship that lasts the longest throughout their lifetime and every time they bicker (although its normal) they are damaging that and it will take time to heal. Redirect the aggression towards thinking of others - they obviously have enough energy for it and are certainly old enough. Inspire them to think of others first and role play with them on how to do so. I would expect a teen to have increasing difficulty with this as their emotional center outgrows their frontal lobe (decision making part of the brain) rapidly and the latter doesn't catch up until their early 20's... However Keep trying and be consistent!!

Good luck mama!

They need individual one on one attention to build each of their self esteem and to enforce to them that they are an important person in the family just by being "you". They are super competitive because they've probably been raised that way to get any attention at all whatsoever. Teaching them to love each other as brothers is important. They both need to know that they are each other's protectors and best friend right now. Once they become able to value themselves and each other, the competitiveness will become less aggressive.

They may be trying to get you to prove your love for them. Somewhere along the line someone abandoned them and they want to be sure you won't leave them also.
Set up a chore chart, Tommy took out the dogs, now it's Billy's turn. Assign seats in the car and on the couch.
Some people thrive on bickering look at the way people will argue about cars. Fords are no good I like Chevys ect and people will argue all day about it. Show the kids that it doesn't matter it's all about personal choice. Explain that fighting gets you no where and for most things it doesn't matter anyway. In the long run how does it help the universe if one car is better than the other or which football team is better?
This will take time the boys need to feel secure and loved.

How about sitting them down and telling them THEY need to work out a compromise, a pattern, etc. between the two of them because that's what brothers DO. And that arguing is now hereby BANNED and the consequence for arguing is XYZ. Then calmly and consistently enforce the consequences.

Congrats on your upcoming finalization of adoption!

Make a chart (with them) of the main things they argue about. Designate who will do what or go first at what times. No arguing, follow the chart. They may not have ever had "structure" or "routine" and kids thrive on that!