Sibling Rivalry - Albion,NY

Hello Marshamona,

I specialize in behavioral issues in my coaching practice, and your problem is quite common. First a little education, children fight over everything often because they feel they need to battle for your attention. Whether it's "I want Mom to see my picture first" or "I want Dad to praise my report card first", kids have a hard time understanding the idea you are proud of each child for different reasons.

To ease some of the fighting, try the following:
1) Make sure everyone in the home is treating kids evenly without comparison. You may feel that you're doing this already, but sometimes little things get past you, like, "Bobby always gets the dishes done right after school, I wish you would get your chores done as quickly" or Sally has been really good lastly, so she's been getting just a little more attention.
2) Create household rules & consequences to the rules and allow the kids to add their rules too. This could be knocking before entering the room or leaving Bobby's Lego's alone, but this will help create consistancy.
3) Create a "no fighting" zone, and if fighting happens in the "zone" the fighters must leave the area until they can be nice. This goes back to the family rules. I explain that certain areas of the home are family areas which means all the family must be treated with respect. If a member cannot obey, they can go to their area, as in their room.

I hope this helps.

R. Magby

You may be able to cut down on that by making sure to do some time alone activities/outings with each one. I think that sometimes you see more of the competition in the family when you treat all the children equally, all the time. Children are not all exactly the same, it's fine not to do equally for them, let them get attention or stuff at different times - I wouldn't take them all to the toystore and only buy one a toy while the others got nothing, but they should see that if one kid is out on errands with mom, he/she may get an ice cream cone and the others will get it when it's their chore day with mom, stuff like that. Also, in my house, we never used the word "fair" and my kids were not allowed to say, "That's not fair" - we were very clear that "That's not fair" is not synonymous with "I don't like that." Banish the idea that everything must be equal or the same. If they all get exactly the same, all the time, it's much more apparent when someone gets "extra" (like the lifesaver one kid finds in your cupholder in the car). Don't play into this buy trying to appease them or explain or reason.

How old are your children? How many of them are there?

Perhaps, have a regular "family meeting." Whereby you/Hubby and the kids can all get together and talk... about what is happening/needs to happen/concerns etc. Making it sort of fun... and not just about scolding etc.
But in the meeting, it will teach them that there is a forum, in which the can be heard, together, and openly talk about it without judgment and then you all work on a solution for things. It also teaches children how to talk about things with their family as a "TEAM." And teaches them the "process" of processing things...and communicating.

We do that from time to time, and it really helps. Its educational for the children too.. .and teaches them "mediation" and talking things out. And seeing their parents TOO, talking things out, WITH them... and all together for a common solution.

Next, try asking the kids WHY on earth must they "fight"? Being competitive does not necessarily mean they have to fight.

Or, in my case growing up: My oldest sister... ALWAYS had to compete with me. BUT the thing is, I NEVER competed with her. It was ALL HER instigation and antagonism. Not mine. It drove me NUTS. SO, of course I had to defend myself... which then led to fights.
That was the situation, in my situation. And then she'd get jealous of me, because SHE would get scolded... because she did start the antagonism. But then she didn't see that she was the problem... and so she got jealous of me thinking that our Parents "favored" me over her. BUT... to an outsider, it could seem like "competitiveness."

I didn't do anything to her, to warrant her competing with me or starting fights. She just did. Later when she was older, she told me it was because she sort of was jealous of me and resented me. Who knows why. I always just did my own thing. But she just kept on.

Not all siblings fight nor get so competitive. There are healthy competitiveness and there is not so healthy kinds.

The point is, kids have to learn that a "family" is a TEAM, together. Not against each other. To have each other's backs, and to respect the differences in each other... NOT having to be like the other or better than the other. And that no matter what, our Parents will love us nonetheless.

All the best,
Susan

I am sorry to be this frank, but in my opinion your kids fight because you let them. It is your duty to step in and let them not fight over things and explain them that you do not accept the fighting. Then reward them for sharing and suggest new ways out of the conflict.

My kids do it when they're not getting enough of my attention. They're 4 & 3 and it all started a year ago when we added my daughter to the mix. I find that scheduling my day works best - from 7-9 they entertain themselves while I do my chores and get breakfast done, then from 9-11 we do learning time or projects or something that gives them my full attention, they also get one hour of "special time" when they get to choose the activity (park, play outside, reading, etc) - when I stick to the schedule everyone is much happier.
Good luck!

Rock, paper, scissors ends most of the arguements in my house.

Ignore them if it is just a squabble. Do NOT take sides...ever. Even if you know for sure that one child started it. If it gets out of hand punish them both equally. I used to make my boys sit on opposite sides of the room for 5 minute time outs if the arguing too loud. My hard and fast rule was NO physical altercations. Absolutely no touching when arguing. A push leads to a shove which can lead to blows. But if you watch puppies or kittens play you will see them growling and biting. Kids too need to argue to learn HOW to do it. They are vying for their place in the family order and also for their parents love and approval. Its very normal and all good if they dont hit.