Fraternal Twin Behavior

Hi G., I have 18 month old identical twin boys and they have had flip flopped behaviors (role reversals) about 3-4 times since birth. One is the sweet/sensitive one, and the other is the run right over you, get mad, and yell twin. They go back and forth every 4-5 months. I've yet to see them both with the same personality for more than a couple of days. What I do when they start getting irritated with each other and fighting over a ball for example. I will sit them both down and teach them that they can play together with the ball, and that usually works, but sometimes I will just pull out another ball from the toy box and show them that there are plenty of toys for both of them and they don't need to get upset. And when one is jealous of the other being close to me he will come over and start slapping me on the leg and growling and trying to hit his brother. So I will tell him that we do not hit, and that he needs to be sweet to brother, and so I will sit on the floor with both of them, one on each leg so that they can be close to each other and see that there is room for both of them to be close to Mommy....so far these methods are working!! Good luck!

Hi there,
First of all, you have to remember that hitting, etc. at this age doesn't mean you have "mean" kids. It means you have toddlers :-). Also, I just wanted to echo the other moms about time out and elaborate a bit. When we first used time outs they were ineffective. However we got some guidance and it started working better. The key was someone informing us that time out isn't "punishment" but rather just what the name implies -- time to collect yourself and your emotions. When you do time out, you need to be consistent with the way you do it. You can do the "zero tolerance" way and say "no hitting" while you swoop them up and plop them in play pens. You could also put them in their cribs and call it "room time" and tell them they can play again when they're "being sweet." This does NOT set up the bed to be a "negative" place, and, for us, it gave us a consistent place for time out when they were too big for playpens. Now, at 3 and 5 they go to their rooms when they need a break from the world (which, as I mentioned earlier, is usually the case when tensions get high!).
You can also do it the Super Nanny way (I read this in her book), which is: the first time, look them in the eye and firmly say "hitting is not allowed" then send them back to play. The second time you say "If you hit again, you will go to your room/time out." The third time (because there will be a third time!) you simply swoop the perpetrator up without a word and put him in his room/crib/playpen.
When my son was younger I provided full-time childcare for a friend's child who was the same age (3 days apart). They acted like brothers, of course, and the playpens were great. I set them up in different rooms of the house so they truly had a break from each other. I put a couple toys in there so that it truly was more of a "retreat" than solitary confinement :-). Good luck with your little guys, and DO look into a local moms club. Hurry, before they're 3! You'll need the support, because if you think 2 is bad, just wait for the assertive will of a couple of 3-yr-olds....

Hey G.,
I have fraternal twins (boy/girl) that just turned 9...You will make it through and to be honest, enjoy it now because 4-9 has not been a lot of fun! hee hee hee! Twins can be a joy, as they always have someone to play with them, but they can also get on each other's nerves as they are always together. Here are some things we did to help with sibling rivalry, and how effective they were or weren't. Good luck:
1. Take each twin on an outing (even just a walk) by themselves, so they get your full attention. This means, your husband or mom has one and you have the other and you devote total attention to that one...The next time it switches. That way they are each getting one on one attentiong from someone and not having to share (as usually happens). This worked very well for us. But makee sure it is even.
2. When they start fighting, make them stand facing each other hugging each other, nose to nose...soon giggles will erupt instead of fists.
3. Have them sit facing each other on the floor in "time-out" they have to look at each other...usually giggles will start soon. (2&3 have worked from ages 4-9 as mine did not start fighting until they were 4.)
4. Something that has always worked, but people will laugh and say "yeah right" is talking to them and explaining. Caleb, Mommy is working on (activity) with Carter right now. Mommy loves you and will do (activity) with you in just a minute, but I have to finish with Carter. Please (insert desired activity). Thank you for being such a big boy.

We used communication with our children about behavior from the time they were very little and their vocabulary is well developed now and they respond to discussion about their behavior very well. I truly understand what you are going through, though for me it did not hit until Zach and Cheyenne were 4, but it has been constant since then. There are good days and bad and just when you think you have it figured out with one, they will switch personalities and you have to start it all over again with the other. I would love to be your e-mail support, as I had none when mine were little...even if just someone to vent to, who truly understands. My e-mail is ____@____.com I also am a teacher, but did not start teaching until the twins were 5, as I was going to college before that.
Good luck and God bless you! Pray, pray, pray!

Hi G., I have another take on your situation. I am a fraternal twin, and can remember fighting and arguing with my sister when we were young (I was the bully). The world seems to set twins up to be competitive against one another (who can run faster, who is smarter, who can draw better). I think the best thing to do is to let them (or make them because one might not want to ever be alone) have their alone time, like some of the other moms said, and separate classes or schools when they are older. My sister and I never had the opportunity to be single individuals. We were always one of a set. That also might lead to one going to extremes to differentiate himself from the other, which is a whole other topic. Good luck!

Our twin boys (also fraternal) are nearly 5, and for us the 2's were easy compared to the 3's and 4's! I'm not saying that to alarm you -- it's just that no phase ever seems to last very long.

It always seems to help when we can provide some individual time, one-on-one, rather than always having to share the attention. They still get jealous, but more often a fight is about a toy or because one put on the other one's shirt.

Fortunately, our boys have developed a knack for taking turns, and when that doesn't happen naturally we set the timer in the kitchen...amazingly, when it goes off they switch toys or give each other a turn on the computer. Yours may be young for that, but we've done it for quite a while -- sometimes that might help, depending on the situation.

It seem like at 2, kids don't really play "with" each other but more next to each other. As they get older and figure out that they can play together, things will get so much easier! They'll still want your attention but not 100% of the time.

I imagine with any kids, there are good days and not-so-good days, great days and awful ones. Some days they get along and other days not so well. Any time you can step back and be a little silly, make socks talk or wear a blanket like a cape, it helps distract the kids and make them laugh. I wish I was better at that, but I know it almost always diffuses a tense moment!

There is a verse in Proverbs that says "A friend loves at all times but a brother was born for adversity". If you know a homeschooler, have them pick up for you 21 RULES OF THE HOUSE from a bookfair. Start now so YOU will get to know them well; they stopped many fights between 2 of my boys. Pick out some Bible verses that you can use/they can use and quote them when the fighting begins. You have gotten some good advise and the best one was to get involved with other Moms of twins. Remember in your daily prayers to pray blessings on your boys (to speak of how they need to be / behave) Bless you, have courage!

This is normal. Even if they were single birth siblings. I am a surviving mom of twin 9 year boys. I am also a niece of 40 something twin uncles. They tell me all the time that the rivalry in natural. We just have to be firm on the no hitting and try to spend single time each day with both of them I know it is hard and some days impossible. To this day mine switch personalities on me just to keep me on my toes. I does get better I promise.

N.
Mom of 9 yr old Twins Caleb and Timothy

My identical twin girls did the same thing at 2. I did time out for who was hitting and gave special attention to the other. After 2 min. I would have her hug her sister and then we would do something that we could all do together. I also try to spend alone time with them, even if it is just going in the other room when my husband gets home and reading books. It is hard sometimes, because of busy schedules, but it seems to help! They are 2 1/2 now and they still fight over toys or my attention, but they are beginning to show more affection to each other. They look out for each other and they have even started taking turns. Today Kelsie was eating popcorn and she brought some over to share with Kendall! I hope things work themselves out! Just think "this too shall pass!"

As a mom of twins, I understand what you are going through. You might want to think about how well your boys communicate. When children do not have the tools to communicate by language, they will often use tools like hitting or pushing to get their point across. Boys are notorious for developing language skills later than girls, and twins tend to develop language milestones later than singletons. If your boys were born early, that could give an extra reason why they don't have the words to say what they mean. When my son went through this at about the same age, we worked very hard on teaching him to say "no" so he would have a response other than hitting or biting. Sometimes basic sign language or gestures can give a child enough tools to express himself before he has the fine motor skills necessary for speech.

When he and his sister started fighting with each other, that's when I decided to separate them in preschool at age 2. For my children, that was the right decision. They seemed like they were on top of each other all of the time - they lived together, shared a room, we always went out as a family, plus they were in the same class at school. Once we split them, they "liked" each other more and started developing independent sets of friends. One word of wisdom, though, if you do separate them into different preschool classes: make sure they can visit each other. I found out my son was very quiet at school when he was anything but at home. Then, one day, his teacher saw him interacting with his sister and he was talkative and animated. It turned out he missed his sister. The teachers let the kids spend about 30 minutes in each other's classes, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. That was the best possible scenario for my two.

I promise - it gets better AFTER age 2 with twins!Good luck and please contact me offline if I can help any more.

Hi -
I have 2 year old fraternal twin girls and we experience the same thing from time to time.

Like the other mom said, we try to be very consistent with time out when it comes to pushing, etc. At first they did not "get" time out (I started a little before they turned 2) and thought it was a game, but after a lot of tries they now understand. The key is being consistent. It helps a lot when I explain that pushing is an ouch and really, really hurts sister's feelings and it hurt her body and that she may not want to play together if you always hurt her. That usually does the trick and they come out of time out now and give the other a hug without prompting. HOWEVER...I think it is just the nature of twins that this is going to be a continuing struggle. Dang! (Or at least in my unexperienced opinion!).

I also try to spend as much one on one time as I can, which is really tough when you're the only one around during the day. If one of the girls is playing with a puzzle and the other one isn't, then I try to do the puzzle with her. You get the idea. Another good way is during diaper changes I take my time and tickle them, etc. It is usually just a couple of minutes but it seems to do wonders. I also try to sometimes distract my twin who always wants to be in the mix with something so I can pay a couple of minutes with the other. It is tough.

Are you in a twins moms club? If not, it is a great way to talk to other twin moms. I'm in the North Dallas one and it has been really helpful. Check it out!

Good luck and hang in there --
K.

Hello from another G.. I was a hairdresser for years and I do know that one of my clients lost a 21 yr old twin in an auto accident and the twin left took on the likes of the one passed. He decided to like photography and cooking. But I also now have a Home Day Care and this is typical of 2 yr olds. I am seeing all of my 2 yr olds hitting, shoving and taking toys from each other. I tell them that is not nice and if it keeps happening they go in time out for 2 min. Then they have to appology to the one they offended but I know that they can not say sorry so they will hug the other one and it is genuine. Keep teaching that is what we are here for. Good Luck it is a phase. There will be many more to come. G. W

This too shall pass - when they are four or so. :) I remember my husband saying very exasperatingly-When will this be over? I had to laugh. Four I said and I was right.

Keep your temper- it will be the hardest part. Sounds like they are evenly matched.
Consistency - as long as there is no blood or dangerous behavior just keep telling them to keep their hands to themselves.
A little competitiveness may go on forever and is good for them to learn to compete in the world.
Be sure attention is fair too.
Maybe try the "Good Chair" idea? Set a timer and you have time with just one in the chair to read, talk, listen then it is the other's turn for same time. Time according to age like a time out- 2min for 2yrs old, etc.
You may find as they get older the other one will sit and listen too...or not. :)
Don't forget daddy. He can be a life saver (sanity saver). A story for one while you have the other then switch over the next night.

Bless your heart to have two right away at the same time. Hang in there and don't forget to have fun with them - remember sand and water - all day occupiers!

PS: Date night is wonderful for you and your hubby to refresh too.