Sibling Rivalry - Chicago,IL

Right now my youngest ones are 6, 4 & 2. They love to play together. Sometimes it works beautifully, sometimes not so much!

If I don't like how a child is behaving, he/she can no longer play with the others. Sometimes they "have a seat" - kind of a time out - but really just a break. I don't count minutes. They can get up when I feel they've calmed down or are ready to play again. Sometimes my 6 year old goes up to his room to play alone or I tell everyone to "change the game" and play something else. If they are fighting over a toy, I take the toy away.

Hitting, spitting, sticking out your tongue, saying mean things, or teasing is not allowed. Here are the the things I say often:
"Keep your hands to yourself."
"No hitting/spitting/screaming."
"Use your words."
"That is not good listening."
"That is not kind. Say you're sorry and give him/her a hug."
"If you can't share, you can't be there."

At the same time, I "catch" them being good:
"That was really good sharing."
"That was very kind."
"That was good teamwork."

My kids high-five, hug & kiss each other. We clap everytime things go well: "Good job at the grocery store everyone. Give yourselves a clap."

I believe you set the example and the standard for how kids behave. It's hard work, but it's worth it. My older kids are 14 &12. They are nice kids.

Best,
T. Y
SAHM of 5
14, 12, 6, 4 & 2

My mom had two 15 months apart and she would make them sit on opposite sides of the couch and tell them they couldn't get up or speak to each other until they could be kind to one another. Usually it didn't take long and they were back playing together having worked it out among themselves. Neither party is blameless and it gives equal responsibility to each. It's worked well for my kids too and there are 4.5 years between them.

Blessings,
L.

Ps. I agree with very short to the point direction no lectures. One of my go to phrases was hands are for hugging, not hurting.

Mine are 3 years apart. None of those behaviors was tolerated.

For meanness to each other (even just verbal sometimes, bickering and arguing--when they get older) they were separated and not allowed to speak, touch or look at the other until I said it was ok. Like the previous poster who mentioned having them sit on the couch at opposite ends and not speaking. Same idea. It never took long. And the apologies that came after were always authentic--it was never just words so they could get on with their day.

I would nip the disrespectful tongue sticking out in the bud, though. That is blatant disrespect of you and dad and should not be allowed. Period. Not funny, not cute... it is disrespectful.
Time outs if that is what you use. Make it matter. Because it does and sets the tone for how they will treat you and respect (or disrespect) you later.

My 8 year old either gets a time-out (usually to calm him down) or loses screen time. My 5 year old gets a time-out. But my 5 year old is a very active boy and loves, loves, loves to play outside. So 5 minutes in his room feels like an eternity to him.

If time-out isn't working, consider loss of a privileged. Less tv time or loss of a favorite show. Maybe there's a toy she loves, so not having access to it would be hard for her. You need to find her currency. What would be meaningful to her?

Make sure you are also addressing the behavior that leads up to the hitting. Your son might not be hitting, but he is an instigator. He needs to learn self-control as well. He's only 3 years old, but he still needs to learn that what he's doing is not acceptable. He definitely should not be spitting at anyone. Personally, I would give a time-out for spitting.

Mine was an only child, but my policy with playmates was that she was not to hit first, but if hit, she had permission to hit back.

My mom had a similar policy with me and my sister. We weren't supposed to hit (or bite, pinch, kick, etc), but if one got physical, the other had permission to respond in kind.

SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY. Seriously. I never recommend books but this one is the absolute best life saver.

It s actually in cartoons so it is easy to read and easier to implement. It is not normal and not acceptable for things to descend into violence and disrespect.