Sibling Presents

It is silly that he would expect more than one gift from a family. I always have more than one sibling at are parties....and don't expect more.

I have two children close in age and they also have many mutual friends. When both kids are invited to a party, they bring one gift from the both of them. If there are two children, we bring a seperate gift for each child, but still one gift from both of mine.

So this especially interesting to me becuase I have twins, identical boys. Plus a little 3 year old. We are still doing family parties, no drop offs yet. So we all go to the birthday parties, and vice versa. My boys of course have the same friends, so they are invited to the same parties and those same kids come to ours (with their siblings of course). I have had to think about this issue before, because I dont want our friends and family to feel like they are giving more than we give. But ultimately it comes down to how many kids are in a family. All our friends and family have 1 or 2 kids. We have 3. So right there, our friends and family are coming to one or two more parties than we are going to...does that make sense? It sounds to me like you have only one child. And I think that may be why your son is tuned into this. He isn't having the experience of sharing in the gift choosing/giving process, where his friends since they are siblings are sharing in the gift choosing and giving for your son. Make sense? I have wrestled with this too, but my kids have never even mentioned it.... Do we give one gift from our family or does each of my twins give their friend/cousin something? Plus I have a younger son, so would I then be expected to give 3 gifts to my older boys friend? Then what do I expect from them at our party? Should their sibling give my twins a gift too? NO! How would my boys feel if they were given one gift to share? What about family gifts for birthdays and Christmas? So you can drive yourself nuts with all the questions. If everyone gave a gift individually that would just get crazy and expensive!!! No one needs that many toys! What I have come up with was a dollar amount (this is what we do with family too). I let them chose what to give based on that, I guide them in the store telling them how much stuff is and if they can give something else. Sometimes we give 2 gifts and other times we give one, and sometimes I make something. I just gave a tutu to my niece from all of us. It cost me what I would have spent on a gift. They have actually never questioned the fairness about gift giving. Last year they received a hotwheels thing, to share, from one family, it was a non-issue. My boys are 6 also and they are so overwhelmed at parties that I dont think they care what or how much they get. If your son is having a hard time with this, I would just try to explain that gifts do not equate friendship or love. And if he had a sibling that they would be sharing in the gift as well. Gifts cost money and making things take time. Maybe their family cant spend a lot of money on birthday gifts or maybe they dont have the time to make several cards... Good Luck.

I just discussed this with a friend who has two children and her theory seems to make sense:

If the invitation is for 1 child, but the parent wants to bring another (or more) sibling(s), then it would be nice to present a gift from each child. If the invitation is for 2 or more siblings (i.e., a family), then a single gift from the family would be appropriate. Bascially, her reasoning is that most hosts typically have party favors for each child attending, even the add-on siblings. Seems inconsiderate to bring additional children and take home something without gifting something (unless it's "no gifts" party, of course).

And as for the attending the party itself, if the party is at the host's home, then would be OK to ask to bring siblings. If the party is at a venue where there is a charge/fee per child and only 1 child was invited, then NOT OK to ask to bring siblings (unless you offer to pay for the additional kids, which, of course, would be awkward because how do you really hand over the cash difference...).

I think that it makes sense that the gift come from both children because both children are at the party. My grandchildren just had a combined birthday party and there were two families present. They brought 2 gifts, one for each child, and the gifts were from the entire family, including the adults. One gift was expensive and so my grandson received just one gift from that family while my granddaughter received two. Her two were in one package, however. This makes sense to me because the entire family had a part in the choosing and the giving.

If both siblings did not choose the gift; i.e; just the youngest chose it, then it makes sense that the gift came from that one sibling. I'm guessing it's the parents who make that differentiation.

Perhaps it would help your son and yourself to better understand it when explained this way. Who the gift is from depends on who chose it and gave it. If an older sibling did the actual presentation then I would tell my child to say the gift is from both of us. In fact I've said that at the time of giving the gift if the child handing out the gift said it was only from one of them.

Do you give both children a gift even tho it's just one child's birthday? I can see how that would add to your son's confusion. At 6 he is a concrete thinker. He might even go so far as to think that since he gives two gifts at a party,he should get 2 gifts at his party.

I don't know what is the correct answer etiquette wise. What really matters is that everyone be comfortable with what happens. I would hope that once you explained this to your son he was back to knowing that everyone loves him. He may need reassurance again but eventually he'll understand it.

Personally, I wish that kids' birthday parties didn't have such present-giving/receiving focus. My opinion is that the birthday kid shoul be made to feel special since it is their day. I encourage my kids to think about what the birthday boy/girl would really appreciate. Sometimes that means we make homemade bracelets or necklaces with the beads that are the child's favorite color, etc.
The parties where all the presents get stacked on a table and then opened at home after the party make me sad. My kids are really excited about giving something that will make the person happy and then they don't even get to see them open it!
When both of my girls go to the same party, they each make a card. Typically, we bring one gift, but mostly because my youngest is 2.5 and doesn't yet pay that much attention to gift giving.

How are they doing financially?

I've noticed that the trend is a present from each when the family is doing okay $ wise, and a joint present when they're not OR if it's a "big" present. Like a $30 present instead of two $15 presents.

A gift should be from whomever is coming to the party - if it's two siblings, the gift is from both. Although my kids never went to the same party, if they did, the card with the gift would have been signed "Your friends, K and I" Perhaps these older siblings don't actually consider your child to be THEIR friend, but their younger siblings' friend. Your son may think the older siblings are also his best friends, but I'm sure if they are bigger kids than he is (8? 9?) their best friends are kids their own age. They may like him and enjoy playing with him, but they may feel that he is their siblings' friend. If the parents only put the same age friend's name on the gift, then they don't view the older sibling as your child;s friend, they view the invite for the sibling as a courtesy - you are inviting the older kid to their sibling's friend's party, not their own friend's party

It is fair that the 2 kids don't give separate gifts. Parents shouldn't have to buy two gifts for the same birthday kid if you are inviting a family. If your son is an only, you may need to explain this to him, and that if he had a sibling and both were invited to a party, there would be one gift given. I've never seen separate gifts from siblings invited to the same party.

If your son is your only (and it sounds as if he is), you haven't had the opportunity to find out if the other parents would do the same, but I am thinking that perhaps they would not invite siblings to a party. You may be assuming they'd do the same, but that may not be the case. Not everyone includes siblings. I think it's appropriate for the same-aged friend (or the friend not in full day school) to choose the gift. Whoever happens to be along shopping gets to choose.

I will tell you, in relation to the siblings possibly not considering your son to be their friend - when we moved here and my oldest was 5 years old, the family across the street had a boy her age and a girl one year older. Both kids would come over, ring the doorbell, ask to play with my daughter, both ate meals here occasionally. She played with both kids. That was the one family where I invited both siblings to birthday parties. The girl did come with her brother when invited, but when she had HER birthday parties, my daughter was never invited.

The boy asking for the big lego set for his birthday may simply not understand what things cost, and what is normal to spend on a friend's birthday gift. He's simply saying what his heart's desire is! Kids really have no way of knowing what things cost unless their parents teach them this, and don't realize that people have a certain budget for purchasing gifts. They may not realize what while Nanna and Poppa buy them a $100 lego set for their birthday, their friends' parents are likely looking for a gift in the $20 range. It's normal for kids not to realize this - and important for parents to teach the kids about money and budgeting.

Perfect opportunity to teach your child that the most important part is that they came to the party and spent the special day with him, that is because they like him so much. That the party isn't about gifts but spending time with the people you care about. That they took time out of there day to be with him and that alone is a gift. We have always given a family gift and never thought about giving 3 one from each of my 3 daughters. They may have felt they needed to give 2 because you always did but times may be tight. I would not take it personal. I know you and your son will continue your giving loving ways and teaching him we don't give to receive. He is blessed to have you as his mommy.

This is long, but it is a point of view from a LARGE family.

We do it this way: ONE gift for the birthday child. If my two kids want to each pick out something then they have to split the total amount I was planning on spending (example: if I can spend $20 on the gift then they cannot pick out two presents totalling $25 together). My whole family does this. It gets really difficult when two of my cousins celebrate all of their kids' birthdays in one party (brother has one child and sister has three, all born within 3 weeks of each other but different years). So they get to buy ONE present for my son in the Spring and ONE predent for my daughter in the Fall... **I** have to buy FOUR presents for THE SAME PARTY. My son and my sister's son and daughter ALSO share the same months/weeks as these cousins (March & April). We tried having a party for all 7 of them one year and it was hard because everyone had to buy gifts for SEVEN kids all under the age of 6 that year (well, it was easier on the ones with multiple kids because none of us bought gifts for our own kid[s]). Many of us just put $5 in each card because it was cheaper that way. My sister and I now work out which weekend she will have her kids' combined party on and i'll have my son's a few weekends later, this way people aren't stretched thin buying presents. No one in my family is broke, but we're not "comfortable" enough to buy whatever we want. Sometimes some of us will split the cost to buy something nicer if we can't afford the "big present", like the $100 Lego sets you mentioned that these families buy for their own kids but not for yours. We're even willing to chip in together. 3 people putting in $15 each can buy a nicer present for $45.

My mom is one of 6 kids, my dad is one 7 kids, I am one of 5 kids and most of my aunts & uncles and my cousins have more than 3 kids each ( several with 5 like my parents). If everyone in my family did it the way you are expecting these families to (one gift from EACH child in EVERY family), then my two kids would receive about 40 - 60 presents at each birthday. That's WAY TOO MANY gifts for **anyone** to receive. Sometimes, my kids don't even get a present from some people, just a loving card wishing them a Happy Birthday. The party is to celebrate the day they were born, not for people to buy us stuff. That's just a bonus. If your friends feel that you EXPECT a present from EACH child, then they may avoid gift-giving/exchanging times with your son.

So, which is more important? Their presents or their presence?

Your son is equating the NUMBER of gifts with how much he is liked. Your son has learned somewhere to keep track of HOW MUCH people give him and to compare the cost of what the family buys for themselves against what they buy for him! To be honest, YOU are comparing the cost of the gifts, too. You say there is no judgement here, but the fact that you are wondering how much they should be giving you compared to the YEARS of gifts you have given them... that IS judging.

You give ONE gift (or grouping of smaller gifts) to EACH child on each of their birthdays FROM YOU AND YOUR SON AS A HOUSHOLD. Your son gets ONE gift (or grouping of smaller gifts) from THE OTHER PARENTS AND THEIR KIDS AS A HOUSEHOLD.

I am guessing that you only have one child. As you have more, you too will go the route of ONE GIFT FROM YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

I haven't been in this situation yet, but my first reaction was to think that one family brings one gift. I think the strange part is that the kids specified that it was from one of the kids, not both. Maybe that kid is the one who is closest in age? And the older sibling is trying to be generous in the "credit" because that is the child that your son is or seems to be closest to? I don't know about that part.

But when we give friend gifts as adults in my family, we don't each get a gift for the birthday person, it comes from all of us. He probably feels like he gives each of the siblings a gift on their birthday, so he should also get 2. I agree with the concrete thinking thing. I would just try to show examples where you give family gifts to other people in your lives.

I'll be watching your answers, I'm curious what the majority will think is the correct etiquette. I like to know these things in advance! I don't always consider all angles, just do things like we've done in my family, but I hate to find that I have been inconsiderate without even meaning to. I'd never want to hurt someone's feelings over birthday presents.

My girls are very close in age and are often both invited to the same birthday parties. When that's the case, I make it a point that the gift they give is a pretty darn nice one. I think it's wonderful that you've taught your son to be gracious no matter what...there are too many kids out there that have no social graces whatsoever.

I've always seen one family bring one gift, regardless of their financial situation.
Lately, I've been noticing that some people are more love-language oriented toward gifts than others. It's not a strong love-language for me, so for the people in my life that seem to have this orientation, I have to make a point to see it from the other person's perspective. I try to make a bigger deal of wrapping and cards, etc. for those folks. You may want to think about whether presents seem to equate to love and let it enter into your decision-making.

Hi, M.,

I think that you've received a good set of responses, especially regarding the "technicalities" of the situation, thus far. I just wanted to briefly discuss the big picture. I traveled around the world for a couple of years and still go overseas occasionally. I'm also a mental health professional. My mother grew up in a war-torn country where people starved to death. Whenever I attend or throw parties, I think of things going on in other parts of the world and marvel at how much most of us in the U.S. nowadays have. I think that we should celebrate just having food to eat. My husband and I usually buy each of our children a gift, probably a modestly-priced gift by most people's standards here, for his birthday. (We are not rich by this country's standards.) We ask birthday party guests, however, NOT to bring gifts and suggest that if they want to buy something for someone, to donate money a charity we choose before the party. (Each year that charity has changed as we think that there are many worthy causes.) That way, none of the guests feels has though he is being compared to any other guests or feels compelled to put out any money, and those individuals much less fortunate than us (that we may never meet) can receive something as we celebrate the existence of our child and friendship.

Best wishes,
Lynne

I think this is a good learning experience for your son. Tell him having a birthday party is about celebrating with your friends not about getting gifts. Also tell him that we give our friends gifts because we want to, not because we expect that they will then give us a gift in return. You can explain to him that they DO like him because they came to his party and getting a present would have been nice but it was not necessary.

Personally, I ask for no gifts at my kid's parties. I think kids these days expect presents for EVERYTHING and I don't think its necessary. If my boys were going to a party together I would probably only send one gift. There are SO many parties these days and to send a gift with both kids every time would really add up! I don't think parents are under any obligations to get multiple gifts. If you don't want to get their kids gifts that is up to you, or spend a little less so that it evens out in your mind but I think this is a chance to teach your son that, hey, life's not fair!

Most feel like one better gift from both would be better than 2 not so good gifts. And some just like to keep up with one present.
I personally try to find alot of little things that will only last a day or two so the parents won't have even more stuff piled around.

a) if siblings come to a party, then yes, it is from both.
b) No, "each" does NOT have to bring a gift... nor should feel obligated to.

The point for many people too, is just plain budget. Especially if there are several siblings in a family, that your 1 kid is friends with. It can get expensive.

We have friends with siblings, that are friends with BOTH my kids too. They bring a gift that is from the Siblings or the 'family' ... not a gift per each sibling. And for Christmas... since that can get expensive especially if a family has MANY kids/siblings... then what we and many of my friends do is, get 1 gift for the whole family... a token gift. Or, I have just in the past told my friends quite honestly, that we cannot afford to do Christmas gifts for ALL and each of the kids. It is fine with them.
I would not want my friends to feel "obligated" just over presents either... it can be stressful... and unfair.

It is not the 'quantity' of the gifts. It is what is doable or affordable or fair. You may have only 1 kid... but they have MORE than 1 kid... and multiply that by a gift each that they may have to give... and it can be just a budget buster.

My kids and my friend's kids, have no problem with that.

all the best,
Susan

Maybe the parents cant buy more then one gift A. no hills

For me it's hard to say - I do have multiple kids & usually we do give only a single gift, but it is from everyone. Things have also been very hard for us... more so the last year since my employer of 12 yrs closed their doors & I have yet to find a new one.

But thus far, I have only had 1 kid invited to a party & do to him acting out - he was not premitted to attend the party.

As far as my kids go (3, 5 & 6) I have only had birthday parties with our family & the in-laws... my family never really did the birthday thing when we were young & isn't interested in it w/ my kids either. I do try to send in "goodie" bags to the school on or near their birhtdays, but I have 2 (well almost) summer babies - so sadly even that can be hard right now.

But I do agree - if only one gift is sent it should be from all guests or each guest should bring their own (even if it's something made).

Sorry your son was hurt by the situation - it's never nice to feel unloved/liked on or near your birthday.

do you invite them seperately? Like give each individual invited their OWN invitation?? when invited as a group people gift like a group. Although I am not sure if invited individually they would gift individually. My husband's cousins tend to to the group gift thing. They are all married (except 1 who is divorced) and they all have kids. They used to pretty much each buy something and put it together (so it was like individual gifts in 1 huge bag) but lately it is more of what I would consider 1 gift but it has everyone's name on it. They also do combined birthday parties in which you are basically expected to bring each kid a gift. They NEVER open presents at the party. Then they send out "thanks yous" that are a generic note typed on the computer and placed inside a "thank you" card from all the families. So personal right!? I have to not let it bother me. Sometimes I go out of my way and get really nice gifts for them and I never know if they liked it or whatever. So for your son I would teach him to be thankful for what he is given and polite. Sometimes I just want to say that each kid from now on will get a $5 target or toys r us gift card so it is not personal and I don't have to work hard for someone who does not care. But why on earth would I want to be like them?? I really don't. I may not be as attentive as I once was but at least I put thought and care into it. Gifting should bring joy not heartache. Good luck!