Sibling Bickering - Need Ideas

Mom of 4 here. Most people think that allowing more time in the morning would make everything run better. I found it to be the opposite.More time it gives more opportunity for them to argue and pick at each other. I always planned just enough time for them to dress, groom, eat breakfast and get out the door. The spillers ate breakfast first before dressing. The careful ones would dress and groom first before eating breakfast. They each had their own routine which was suited to their needs and kept the mornings moving without bickering. Was it always perfect? Nope but it worked.

At 9 and 11 they can understand directions clearly. Let them know up front what's going to happen and tell them that if they are going to argue then they aren't going to be speaking to each other for the morning. Then try to keep them out of each other's way.

I agree with those who say you may need a more structured morning routine - or an altered one if yours is structured but not working.

Other than that - if they are bickering, then either 1) they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing (getting dressed, etc) or 2) they don't have anything to do and are waiting for you.

If it's #1, then maybe a list on the wall, or some other visual reminder to keep them on track and moving. If it's #2, then I'd give them a chore. For example, if they are ready to go and have time to argue, then they have time to unload the dishwasher (or start laundry, or whatever) while you finish getting ready to go.

I've found that bickering usually occurs when there is a lack of organization. Chaos usually begets frustration and bickering.

So ensure that all their stuff is ready to go the night before, so they can get ready without searching for stuff or crossing one another's paths.

I imagine that one of them takes longer to get ready than the other. Start waking the 9yo girl 30 minutes earlier and have her get completely ready prior to waking the 11yo. Then have 9yo go read, practice her spelling words, watch TV, whatever. To keep her out of the way. Often, keeping them on the same schedule is a mistake. Give them each their own schedule to work with.

ETA: Note that you aren't necessarily waking 9yo up because she needs more time, but because she needs her OWN time to get ready without her brother poking his head in and getting irritated with her (or vice a versa)

Sit with them each *separately* and *talk* (and listen), try to find out what's going on.

You say it happens in morning - is bathroom time an issue? One possible solution (I've seen this work) - maybe 9-year-old girl is old enough that she would enjoy a mirrored vanity table in her bedroom, so she can get ready for school there?

They are both at puberty age...good luck!!

If they bicker in the morning while getting ready, what specifically do they bicker about? My sister and I would roll into the bathroom around the same time and fight over the toothpaste. She'd snatch it first and squeeze reeeeeaaaaly slow while smirking at me because she managed to get it first so we'd fight. On the days I'd get it, I'd do the same in retribution. It was a point of contention between us. Mom solved that for $1.50 by getting us our own tubes of toothpaste to keep in our own separate drawers instead of sharing a communal tube.

Could your solution be something simple like that? Figure out what they are fighting over and try and nullify it? Make it a non issue. Create a schedule and set time limits for things like showers and bathroom time. "DING! That's the 1 min warning bell! Wrap it up and get out or I'll start the dishwasher and freeze you out of the shower! It's your brother's turn!"

Obviously letting them just work it out isn't working. Time to break out your inner drill sergeant until they get into the rhythm of the morning and can do it without you barking at them.

/EDIT - About the breakfast thing. Enforce a no talking rule at the breakfast table. It's ok to sit and have nice talks at dinner, but breakfast is usually a rushed meal. If you're talking, you're not eating. (Or you're talking with your mouth full which is rude and gross.) If you're not eating, you're wasting time. If you're wasting time, then you're done with breakfast and I'll take your plate/bowl away and we're going out the door now! I'm sure it'll only take one missed breakfast or the threat of a missed breakfast to knock off the bad table conversation.

Forbid them to speak to one another or look at one another the entire way to school/camp/whatever.

I dealt with this by redirecting them. At one point I had to get 4 kids and myself out the door to be at work, school for them, by 7:30am. My husband left for work at 6am.
Something like, "Please take this to the car for me," or "Can you go upstairs to get xyz?" were typically used to remove one of the children from the situation. They also had many chances to help each other, so I often gave them tasks to do to get each others' coats, etc...

Also, I disagree that they may need more time. I found, with my children, that the less time they had to get ready, the less time they had to bicker or dawdle. I woke up a half hour earlier than they did and got breakfast ready. All they had to do was get dressed and come downstairs to eat. Their bags were packed, notes signed, and clothes laid out the night before. We don't do showers in the morning, that is for night time or right after school. It's a huge time waster in the morning and caused more fights.

At what points are they butting heads?
When my sister and I were getting up for school, we got up about the same time but there was only one bathroom.
So while she showered I got my breakfast, then it was my turn to shower and she got something to eat.
If I wanted the shower first I had to get up earlier so that I was finished before her usual shower time began.
Have them lay out what ever they need for their morning routines as much as they can they night before.
There's less rushing like insane people if they get up early enough to do what they need to do in a relaxed manner - if that means earlier to bed in the evening then so be it.
Have them aim to be ready 10 or 15 min before departure time.
I'm not sure punishment will help them a whole lot.
It might be the current morning routine that doesn't lend itself to a harmonious flow, so tweak the routine till you find one that works better.

Hand them both a slip of paper which reads "Stop bickering. Quiet now."

I'm serious. The act of stopping and reading the note will distract them.

I'd actually go for an incentive program. Make up a bag of ten of these for the week. Give them BOTH a note for bickering and see how many are left. I'd let them work toward a goal together: they get a point for every 'note' that is still in the bag at the end of the week. When they have 26points or whatever number you deem reasonable, they can have a movie/popcorn/pizza night or something along that line.

another thing you can do is teach them to 'table' the bickering. Leave a note pad on the table "Things we need to check in on later" and let them write their complaint/disagreement there-- then take time to see if the matter has cleared up before the end of the day.

You might consider reading "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish, to help both with your communication with them (including problem-solving ideas) and their communication with each other.

Lastly, be a regal queen-- just let them know that you FLAT OUT REFUSE to listen to complaints about each other/disagreements in the morning. Tell them "If it's important enough, you need to write it down. We have things to do now" or you could offer them that they could get up a half-hour earlier and go argue in their room. Get creative. Don't allow them to ruin your morning, but let them know they're welcome to bicker all their own time.

Reevaluate the morning routine and time schedule. You can't leave late but can they get up earlier? What are they bickering about (bathroom time? or nothing in particular?).

Adjust the routine for best advantage. Then, if they bicker in the am they loose a privilege in the evening or have extra chores.

I sometimes implement the "no talking at all" rule.

- mom of 9yr old girl and 11 yr old boy also. :)

Well maybe you could just try redirecting them? That might work. When you hear them starting to bicker, ask the other one a question that has nothing to do with the bickering. I know kids at this age shouldnt need redirecting as much but you never know, it could work.
Just throw an odd ball question out there and distract them! try it!