Sibling Angry About Grandparents Not Wanting to Babysit....

Totally inappropriate and selfish. She lives 8 hours away and has her own plans..
Also no one can ever know what it is like to lose a loved one.

Your mom needs to have t a talk with this child and set boundaries..

I have nearly no words for this. Ring ring, hi Mom will you drive 8 hours, numbing your buns in the car so we can go out? Right! Who does this. And by the way, Dad is gone get over it. Major disrespect! I hope she says NO.

Hello, My husband died last March. We had been married 43 years (minus one month). I don't know how long your sibling thinks we should take to "get over" this, but each person is different. I cry everyday for my loss. Plus, why don't they drive the children to your mother instead of expecting her to come to them. They are asking a favor and then on top of it, expect your mother to be inconvenienced. This is a person who is acting like a spoiled brat and needs to grow up. As far as "sides", I don't see how there can be two sides to "get over it" and "drive 8 hours". Sorry.
Good luck.
K. K.

I agree with your feelings on the issue.
As for the loss of a spouse...my mom lost her husband almost 5 years ago and it is NOT something you "get over." It's more like "get used to" and it takes a long time. I think your sibling is being rude, disrespectful and selfish.

Wow, that is absolutely insane for your sibling to even ask, much less expect for her to come that far for one day! My parents live in the Twin Cities and we are in the Chicago area, but the only time I have asked my mom to come babysit was when I was delivering my 2nd. We flew her in, she stayed a week, and we flew her back when it was over. Your sibling is being emotionally abusive and if I were your mother I would flat our refuse.

I understand your concern but this is a problem between your sibling and your mother. Support your mother. Asking her to drive 8 hours to babysit is outrageous. It is so outrageous, I wonder if there isn't another side to the story. What does your sibling tell you?

If your sib agrees with your mother's side, that she should travel 8 hours to babysit then I'd tell the sib that I think (s)he was being unreasonable. Then the conversation should be about your relationship with your sib and how you feel about their request and feelings because of her refusal.

I suggest that you not get in the middle between your mother and sibling. Let them work that out for themselves.

I wonder, as Jane M. has suggested, that this is more a matter of miscommunication. Does your sibling want her to spend more time with her grandchildren? Perhaps he thought she would respond better to a request for help. Be sure to hear both sides before making up your mind about what is happening. IF it's a case of misunderstanding suggest that your sibling present his request in a better way and that your mother hear him out.

I understand about your sibling wanting her to be "over" her husband's death. I have a friend whose husband died 3 years ago and she's still mourning nearly as heavily as the year he died. She's depressed and won't do anything about the depression. She excuses the depression by saying she's grieving. I believe that grieving has stages and one can get stuck in an early stage. When one is still depressed years later, they can benefit from professional help.

However, suggesting help should never include "pushing it in (their) face,"
The person needs to be treated with caring and respect. This is not always easy to do.

I am confused because you used the plural, grandparents. Has she remarried or is she living with someone who is considered to be a grandparent? IF so, what does that person say, and how do they fit in?

If all your sibling wants is a babysitter, (s)he can get one much easier than having his mother as a babysitter. My second thought is that the sibling is trying to resolve some issue that (s)he has with his mother. IF so, I suggest that you tell both of them to work it out and then pretty much stay out of it. You cannot change their relationship.

We've had strained relationships within my family and I've found it works best for the one sibling to be sympathetic to both parties, to ask if they want advice and if they say no to stay out of the conflict.

Well they are just really insensitive and selfish. Sorry.
that is asking a LOT from her.
They should pay her and for gas and how will she travel there???/ And then does she have to just get up and leave once they come home??? And travel 8 hours again, back home??? Just for their event???
Whoa.

Tell your Mom to stick to her feelings on it.
They are being, very narcisstic and self-absorbed.

THEY should HIRE a babysitter, from their town... to watch their kids.

Um yah, they are being REALLY mean... and just mean.
I would be furious too....
Your sibling and her husband must be both, quite a 'team'... bullying your Mom.

all the best,
Susan

It's not really your mum's responsibility to baby sit, they should get a baby sitter near them and pay for that.

It's not fair to ask your mum to travel that far and cancel her own plans. She has alife of her own beyond her children or grandchildren.

She is grieving and needs support from all of the family to help her move on.

Your sibling needs to be told to take charge of there own responsibilities and to grow up.

That sounds very controlling

I guess it depends on how much she is getting paid...she IS getting paid isn't she for round trip travel time and expenses, babysitting hours????

I just had to add that perspective b/c your sibling has absolutely lost it if they expect this type of service without full compensation. She has her own life to live and if something had been worked out on a mutually beneficial level that's an entirely different story. But this doesn't seem to be the case.

And how absolutely and extremely INSENSITIVE to your mother whose husband died. Grieving the loss of a spouse is a uniquely individual process and if sibling doesn't understand and respect that, they are a lost cause for sure.

Why do you think she tolerates such verbal nonsense from this sibling? Is she afraid to lose contact with the grand children? I hope for her own benefit and peace of mind she can learn some new coping strategies and healthy boundaries. Has she ever considered a bereavement support group. Many women are left handling sticky adult children relationships where their now deceased spouse provided a natural boundary.

I hope you can provide some much needed insight for her and TO the other siblings. Or is everyone afraid of him/her? Sounds like a bully to me.

Hi J.,
This request sounds unreasonable, selfish and frankly, ridiculous. Never ever would I ask someone to drive 8 hours to babysit for an event. Have he/she hire a babysitter or enlist a friend to watch the kids.

You're right; your sibling is being rude and disrespectful in regards to the request and insisting that you mom should be over the death of your father by now. My MIL lost her husband July of this year; she's in grief counseling and there are women in her group who lost their spouses 7 years ago and are still heavily into the grieving process.

Just to ask, are you hearing this from your mom or from your sibling? Perhaps, and I'm not saying it is, this is more about miscommunication than total selfishness. I know that when I had my daughter, I was really hoping that my mom would be around more (she lives very close, but works 60 hours/week and my father is disabled and requires a lot of care). I think that sometimes it came across as "do more for me" when really how I meant it was "please have a relationship with my kids." We were able to talk it out and now she actually asks to come around a lot because my kids simply adore her.

So yes, perhaps your sibling is being really unreasonable. But maybe they saw this as a good opportunity for "bonding time" and something got lost in translation. And maybe your mom doesn't want to make the trip because it's far and/or short but it's being interpreted by your sibling as "why doesn't she ever want to come spend time with my kids?" If this is what might be going on, I think it might be time for an honest "lay it all out there" kind of conversation. Hopefully everyone could win. Good luck.

It is a bit drastic that your sibling will suggest that your mom should drive or travel to come and babysit when she lives 8 hours away.Have they ever heard of babysitting service?I don't want to make them sounds like a bad guys but they sounds like that.Perhaps maybe they just want to have her spend time with the kids?Well as I think about it.My sister in law expect my mom to watch her kids all the time when her mom and step dad live like far far away in Massachusettes.She actually droped my nephews off with or without my mom's choice.My brother is like no help.My mom doesn't seem to mind but I do.So the situation is seperate from how my mom and I feel.So it's up to your mom to say something,also you just support your mom.I think that sometime people are so desperate for whatever reason so they say mean things without acknowledging the reality of the situation.Talk to them and see if this does bother your mom or not.If it is then she might need to bring up the issues.Good luck!

Your sibling is nuts. Have they always been this way? She just want's free childcare. Too bad. They can hire a sitter, use drop in daycare. Someone needs to verbally slap them out of whatever halucination they're in. Sheesh.

I have the reverse - my mother STILL hasn't visited my sister, who was in the hospital 3 years ago with an infection. Mom lived 5 hours away, but she "had responsibilities" and couldn't get away.

Some people are just toxic and obnoxious and need as little contact as possible.

I think it is ok that they asked your mom to come out and babysit. They could have worded it differently though. I personally think nothing of asking my mom to come and drive down and babysit my kids while my husband and I do x. Or I ask my mom to come down to help my husband if I'm going out of town on business. My mom doesn't thinking anything of doing it either, she enjoys coming down and seeing all her grandkids and kids. I do pay for her travel though.

I think your sibling needs to mind their own business in regards to your mom grieving!!

yes I've experienced simlar, the difference is that the grandparents jump at the chance to drive 3 hours or 14 hours to come and help out their kids. if they are needing her to do this a couple of times a year and she is able, i'd stay out of it. This will help her develop closer relashionships with her grandkids, to take care of them. I belive that it is good for grandparents to feel needed in their old age. If your sibling is asking for this all the time, and grandma really isn't able to handle the travel, then I'd say something. now if they are really asking her to drive 8 hours for a turn arount trip and have not asked her to stay on longer to make the drive worth it, that is out of line.