To make this short, I used to be a very well behaved, polite little girl and along the way, people interpreted that as "shy". Whether the label became a self-fulfilling prophesy or whether it came along because out of nowhere I turned shy, who knows. But I went who was comfortable with being the life of the party,comfortable with attention to becoming a shy child. I do know the labeling part just made the whole thing more painful for me. Though I now I'm sort of "normal", i still struggle with it sometimes and it has made me miss a lot of opportunities in life.
Now I have soon to be 3 yr old who is also a mellow, sweet little boy. He is very friendly, outgoing and funseeking but when a stranger approaches him and puts him on the spotlight he sometimes goes quiet. I think this is pretty normal for a toddler his age. . He does smile back at strangers and then clings to me (again, I think is totally OK for his age). Problem is strangers feel the need to tell us all the time "he is so shy!" Even if I do try to re-frame by explaining he is just wary of strangers, still my child keeps hearing from so many people "he's shy!" I hate this and given my experience I don't want him labeled, let alone at such a young age. Advice on how to handle this?
** updated
Some people have said the problem is MY making a bid deal of it. I don't normally make a big deal. But it is something that now we get every single day just while running errands. Perfect strangers feel the need to comment where they wouldn't dream of giving an unsolicited label to an adult. I know from personal experience, and from just reading parenting material that labels can indeed hurt a young child's self esteem. Some have suggested labels don't cause someone to change. This is true if we are talking about physical traits, but less so about personality traits ESPECIALLY at an age when personality IS still being shaped. I do try to reframe and explain he is just wary of strangers but my concern is that he hears this every single day just because I am in contact with a lot of people every day, most of them strangers. After a while, it is bound to get to him. So that is what I was looking for help with. I do love some of the suggestions so far, but others made me think I hadn't really made my point clear. Hope the clarification helps. Please do keep good, SUPPORTIVE advice coming :) * Oh, and yes, I know Shy people are ok too (i used to be one) but it does cause a lot of heartache sometimes.
Maybe say, he is not shy, he is reserving judgment because he does not know you.
That corrects them, and he will know that it is okay not to decide that you like someone right away. That it is okay to take the time to get to know someone...
Try correcting him with something like "No, he's not shy, he just doesn't speak to strangers." That way he hears you rebuking that label and he will follow suit.
I used to tell my daughter 'and if we call that apple an orange.... does it turn into an orange? Nope. Stays an apple.'
As she got older and I would take a bite of an apple sometimes and say "wow, what a good orange" and she would crack up laughing and say "that's an apple".
And I would say.... "Nope. someone called it an orange. so it MUST be an orange, if someone called it that".
And she would say "nope. It stayed an apple, no matter what people call it".
Short of a sign around her neck proclaiming she's not shy and please don't label me - there's not much you can do.
Who cares what random strangers think? If you let THEIR opinion affect you this much, imagine how it affects your daughter.
Teach her to let those comments float off in the ethos. They're not worthy of your attention.
I am not sure what's wrong with being "shy". Is being "shy" something bad?? The world needs introverts, too.
I do agree with Dad. One of my older girls was very much like I was when I was little. But we encouraged her to seek things out. She is so NOT shy now and no one would even think to call her that. My 4 yr old takes a little time to warm up to someone new. She gets call "Shy". She really isn't. I am kind of surprised actually how a child is labeld shy if they do not right away consider someone their closest friend. Oh well. The best you can do is encourage him to explore and check things out. When opportunities come up to express himself, encourage, encourage, encourage. But don't force. When someone says my child is shy, I sometimes ignore it and other times just say "oh not really" and let it sit.
My daughter is also shy - particularly in certain situations. I was volunteering at her school the other day (she's in 2nd grade). She was sitting on my lap as we were waiting for the school bell to ring at the end of the day and one of the boys came up and said, "She is really shy!" I chuckled and winked at her and said, 'Yah, sometimes.' She's not concerned with the label, I think partially because I'm not. She knows that sometimes she is shy, and believe me, there have been situations I've been very appreciative of her shyness! She also knows (and is continuing to learn) that that does not limit her. She recently gave a 5 minute talk, with a microphone, in front of 100+ people. That type of thing used to make her a lot more nervous :)
I wouldn't make too big a deal about it (you don't want to make it worse in your efforts to make it better)...and I would try to spend time every day talking. That has made a big difference for my daughter. We sometimes talk about her being 'shy' and 'not shy' in certain situations and basically just being herself and being comfortable with that.
I understand the concern of missed opportunities...I would focus on building skills that will help a child to take risks and opportunities than focus on his being shy or not. My daughter is fascinated with the thought of being a paleontologist and has been for the past few years. Recently we arranged for her to go in the back of the local Universities Paleontology museum with a paleontology student. They do a lot of work with the fossils back there...they have a paleo-artist that was working...storage rooms full of fossils...people working with microscopes and minute fossils...it was right up her alley! My husband went with her and said she was REALLY shy (doesn't surprise me, given the situation)...but she enjoyed it and I'm hoping as we provide opportunities for her she will become more and more comfortable and confident in a variety of situations and perhaps there will be less chance of many missed opportunities. And honestly, I think all of us, shy or not, can look back and see an opportunity missed at some point :p.
Tell them he really isn't shy, he just doesn't feel like talking right now
Nothing you can really do. I was a quiet kid (and a quiet adult) and I was labeled shy all the time. I agree with you, it was tough being labeled as shy when you were really just a quiet person. It's still annoying to deal with. I mean, in a world of extroverts it's bound to happen. When he gets older he'll learn how to deal with it. Until then, explain to him the difference between observant and reserved, and shy, timid and scared. Well, explain in three year old terms. :-)
And please, for the love of all things good, don't let people tell him to come out of his 'shell'!
If I got a nickel for as many times I've heard that I'd be a rich woman.
My son was just like yours. I just started replying - "He's not shy, he's smart!" Then when I got the "quizzical look" or if they said "what do you mean?" I'd explain : "My son takes his time to size up the situation and to get to know people, but he's absolutely fine once he's done that"!
My son is now 19 years old. He has a handful of close friends and a girlfriend. His whole life he has heard me tell everyone that he's smart ... and he is! He's the youngest employee in a company of computer programmers and web designers! :)
Believe me, your son will be just fine!
Give them the "evil eye" and a curt shake of the head that tells them to back off. Then pull them aside away from your child's hearing and say "We do not want him labeled as shy. He isn't shy. He just needs to warm up first. Believe me, I had SHY as a label thrown on me when I was a child and it caused me problems. I don't want that for him!" That will work.
If it offends them, too bad.
Dawn
Shy is GREAT! I'd so much rather have a shy kid than an obnoxious one (the other end of the spectrum!) You can't stop other people from making comments or observations- most people think "shy" is a perfectly acceptable, non-offensive way to describe a personality trait that many people and MANY children have. But you can control how you respond to the comments. I'd respond with a big smile "yes and he's the sweetest little shy guy EVER!" big kiss from mommy.
My 2 year old is painfully shy. Painfully because she literally looks pained when approached by new people (I know well the mommy cling, and the "warming up" period). I just reassure her and let her know it's ok to be shy. Shy is fine. There is nothing wrong with shy! Sounds like YOU have issues with Shy (no offense!) your son may not have a problem with hearing that he's shy. Especially if mommy frames it as a lovable, preferable trait.
I totally understand your feelings. I have 2 year old twins and it never ceases to amaze me that people take ONE look at them, or see them say, look, act for 60 seconds and declare who the shy one is....or the happy one....or the smart one.....or the silly one.....the list goes on and on! Really? You just saw my kid for a nanosecond....I am glad you are such an expert!
Ok-that was just a vent but I did have a real point. Shortly after my girls were born, I went to a twin mom meeting and listened to a behavior specialist discuss "labeling" twins. She basically said that parents have to work hard....and work with others on not labeling each kid because it can become self fulfilling prophecy. The smart one vs the athletic one. The outgoing vs the shy, etc. At some point, they will understand those labels and it can encourage behavior, discourage change and provide excuses for actions. (think "who cares I got a C? She's the smart one!")
While I think labeling a kid is probably more prevalent with twins because of the constant comparison factor, I don't know why the same rules wouldn't apply to a single child who is constantly being labeled as well.
I don't have much advice other than to say I think its totally ok you are concerned. And I think you are completely within your rights to respond that your child isn't shy....just tired today. Or like some others said, doesn't talk with strangers. I often diffuse it with saying something like yes she's outgoing today but yesterday they were completely opposite!
Or you can say "He's not shy.....he just doesn't like you!" Just kidding. But there are days I totally want to do that one:) And keep encouraging him to branch out little bits at a time when its appropriate and you want to. I am currently working on that with mine. The adventurous one vs the cautious one. Don't tell them I called them that. :)
I have struggled with this myself and continue to, with both myself and my son.
There are many positive traits to being shy, but, as you know, many times when one is called "shy" it is not in a very positive way.
Now, I am comfortable with -- when someone calls my son "shy" -- to say, "he's a quiet one and he is an excellent listener. Right, Toby (fake name for my kid)." I am very careful NOT to agree or disagree with what the person said in regard to my son. If a person pushes a little too far, like "he is so shy! If you take him to karate that will bring him out of his shell" or "He's nice BUT he is so shy!" (my personal pet peeve -- why the BUT? Like it's wrong to be shy??) -- Then I answer a little more aggressively, and say, "Well, I think he is just fine exactly as he is!"
My son will sometimes still come to me and say quietly, "I'm shy." When he does this I know that at some point that day, he was probably called shy, by maybe a teacher or another kid at school, so he is mimicing what he is being told. I am aware that this will inevitably happen no matter what I try to do or say to stop it. I used to get concerned and would think about, say, telling the teacher not to use the phrase, but now, I elect not to do anything about it and then respond to him, "It's OK to be shy sometimes, we all get that way. It's not a bad thing at all."
I could call my kids normal and that would not make them normal. You were shy, them calling you that didn't make you shy, you need to stop believing that label caused your shyness when your shyness caused the label.
Your daughter is shy, there is nothing wrong with it. You have let a label control your perception of how the world treats you. Do you really want to pass that along to your daughter? Do you want to see her out with your grandchild upset because someone calls them shy? You have it in your power to break this cycle but you need to accept it is you that needs to change your perception.
What I mean is people are not going to stop calling shy people shy any more than they will stop calling an extrovert and extrovert. It is what it is so make your daughter happy with her differences so she doesn't grow up being upset with people that call her what she is. After all there is nothing wrong with being shy.
I feel like I am rambling here. It is just I am not a normal person nor are my kids. What makes us abnormal is our personalities, how we are wired. I didn't find out I was ADD until I was 24 if someone had called me ADD before that would that have caused that diagnosis or was it simply someone stating the obvious? Labels don't drive our personalities our personalities drive the labels. Be comfortable in your skin, allow you daughter to do so as well. I promise you you will be happier in the long run. :) You can't will her to be something different and by trying you will hurt her self esteem.
Bless you! It's difficult for me to understand why adults say things about children, right in front of them, that they would never say to another adult! Imagine walking up to another adult at a band concert, not having them engage quickly with you, and you announcing: "My, aren't you a SHY one!"
For me it was frequently remarked that I was short. Even as a child I thought it was weird that someone would comment on me. No kidding, I'm short. Brilliant.
But for now, may I suggest that you simply reply that yes, he is my favorite, bright, son.
For some reason, "shy" kids and adults, are always talked about as though it is some sort of awful trait.
In our culture, extroversion is valued and people mistakenly associate extroversion, with "confidence" or smartness.
However, this is a wrong, association.
MANY successful people and celebrities are actually shy.
Shyness does not ever, dictate how capable or skillful a person is.
Both my kids are shy. And were shier when they were younger.
BUT, we always..... taught our kids to be themselves. To KNOW themselves and their cues. So that, they also KNOW their gut instincts and to trust themselves. My kids are thus, very self-assured children. AND they can capably "discern" social situations and people and kids... better than other kids their own age. They are keen observers. And they will socialize as they feel fit or per the "vibes" of a situation. We NEVER forced them, to be "friendly" or to socialize if they did not want to or if they were uncomfortable. And, we were never "apologetic" to others, if our kids were more reticent or shy, in certain situations.
We never, made "excuses" for that.
But yes, people love to make out loud comments that "oh she's so shy!" BUT, for us, we have always taught our kids, that they don't know them or who they are. They are just assuming things on a shallow level. My kids know themselves quite well. And they never feel less than, compared to others or other kids. They know, who they are. And they have an identity even if they are young. We always nurtured, them.
Not some idea about what others think. And they are very self-assured and feel good about themselves.
We teach our kids that everyone has an "opinion." But that does not make it, fact. And, they know who they are. Not others.
My kids are now 5 and 9. And they have friends and are very good socially. They CHOOSE their friends. They are not followers, and they make good choices about friends. That, is golden. Because, they know who they are. "Labels" are not true. They know that.
You are sensitive because of how you identify with the term. As parents the best we can do is support who are children are and try our best not to project our insecurities or issues onto them. With that said, your little guy is acting a little shy with regard to cuddling into you. I have 4 children and have had one little guy that is shy. He is 16 and states that at times he is shy. He, nor we, see this as a negative but an understanding of who he is at times. It is a comfort level on his surroundings and to be honest, it is your little guy's way of saying, "I'm feeling a tad bit uncomfortable with these people talking to me and I'm going to hide behind my mommy for security"...if people say, "he is so cute, he is shy" it is their observation. You don't have to correct them but if you want to tell your son that he is appearing shy but that does not mean he is, then I would suggest just that. Like with anything that he is told as he is growing up and being addressed by others, if he disagrees with a term or identifying trait, he can choose to correct that behavior so as the not be labeled that or he can just know that they do not know him well enough for it to even matter. It's not always that simple but being polite as a little one is not the same as shy. I had manners and knew how to act around adults but was never called shy. Your little guy is perfect and I would only worry about what concerns him, not what concerned you as you were growing up. Trust me, he will have his own list and I am certain you will do great helping his adjust and work through it because of your sensitivity.
I don't really think this statement is going to shape him. We are who we are. But, if you think so, and it bothers you, then just laugh it off and say, "yeah for about 5 minutes" or "just till he warms up"
