This request can also go under Single Parenting I think because sometimes I feel the problem is that I am a single mother. I have a ten year old son who spends half-time with me and half-time with father. My son is very shy as I am and was throughout my childhood. The only difference is that my son's shyness stops him from going places. When I was younger my mother would take me everywhere and anywhere though I didnt speak or interact very much at most events I went with no hassle. My son on the other hand whenever I would ask him to go somewhere he would say no. I stoped asking and just took him to different places, these can be family parties, amusement parks, anywhere really, even to the mall. But still at first he cries and complaines. I don't want to sound like a terrible mother but I can't stand it anymore! I already do feel like a terrible mother anyway as I feel I am doing something wrong and don't know how to change it. He does not act this way with his father and I've asked my son why and he tells me it's because he's more afraid of his father so he holds in his crying and just follows orders so to speak. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Wow! Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement and words of wisdom. I was given some very good advice and I feel much better about the situation. I have decided to get professional help and maybe I will post some updates. Thanks again to everyone who responded.
This is a form of social anxiety. I am trying to get help for my daughter presently. I am just starting therapy with a psychiatrist so I don't I know how to help you yet. My daughter has been diagnosed with selective mutism from school. Others have thought she had autism. She does not like to talk in crowds. She just shuts down and it is affecting her school work with straight F's. Try to get some therapy because this will only get worse.
Hi K., your not a bad mother!!! I was a single mother for awhile myself. If you were shy as a child, than it seems a bit natural for him to be the same. How are you now, shy, quiet in public? Very outgoing? Be patient with him. Take him to places and show him how much fun it is by interacting with people and that there is nothing to be afraid of (by being shy). I wouldn't engage him in his crying/whining when your going out. Just simply and gently tell him "were going to..."... when he starts acting like its the end of the world, put your arm around him, get down to his eye level and tell him it will be okay, because you will be right by his side and you will have FUN!... Good luck. Keep your patience, and love. The world can be a very scary place for a child. If there are any issues he is dealing with (because of the seperation) it could be causing him anxiety or stress, insecurity, etc. So, you may want to consult with a family therapist that specializes in this.
Hi K.. There is a book you might be interested in. I think it is called "The Highly Sensitive Person" Believe it or not shyness can be an inherited temperment. Your son may be suffering from a mild form of social phobia. If this is the case a good cognitive/behavior therapist that works with children can help with this issue without using drugs. He will feel empowered that way and in charge of these feelings instead of them being in charge of him. I am a psychotherapist and a mom of a little boy too and I really feel a sensitivity towards this kind of situation. I don't know where you live but would be happy to assist you in finding someone if that is a road you would consider. Neither of you need to suffer or feel frustrated. D.
PS you can email me direct if you wish at ____@____.com. I am glad you are reaching out.
As women we naturally nurture. Men can be more stern and not feel any guilt. He basically told you that dad has more power. He tries manipulate you with the crying and complaining. I was shy myself so I totally understand. What helped me come out of my shell was that I lost weight. That's be biggest thing that held me back. Even when I gained back all the weight I didn't go back. My little sister was about 10 years old was very shy. One day I sent her in my other sister's 8th grade class to let her know I was there to pick her up. The ten year old complained and admitted she was shy. What I told her had such an impact, she now sings, dances, and even acts. She totally overcame her shyness. All I said was "imagine you were the other kids in the classroom watching you come in. What would you really be thinking about the kid who just came into the classroom." I basically told her to put herself in their shoes.
I would try rewarding him over a period of time for when he doesn't cry and complain. Every time you have to go somewhere and he doesn't cry and complain, he earns points, and at the end of a given period, tally the points and he gets a reward. The reward system often worked for my daughter.
Dear K.,
Well, at least you know that he trusts you more and feels closer to you so that he can be himself. This is what I think, it is a disorder, not an illness, and it is inherited. Just like you mentioned.
So, if I were you, I would see a counselor and explain the situation to him or her, then use the advice you are given. Whether it is to have your son see a counselor, or whether to find a way to get him into a 'safe' activity. You can begin thinking of 'safe' places where he is not required to interact very much with other people, like a library. I have always found libraries soothing. Then begin talking with your son, so that he does not feel threatened, or afraid that he will be forced, about how you two can work together to help him get over this fear. He will cooperate eventually, and the two of you can think of places that you could go together that would get him accustomed to being in the world.
You are a good mother, for goodness sake. Stop thinking that you are not. I have worked with thousands of parents, well, maybe 2 thousand, anyway we are all good parents, some of us need a big more support, but we are not bad. There is a saying that "all mothers need a mother", that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to talk more with your own mother. But, someone that is a bit older than you are, and you feel bonded to. You can talk things over with her, or him, a mother can be a man too, to help you feel secure in the ways that you devise to help your son.
My sister and I have a touch of agouraphobia - that is the name of this disorder, it means "fear of the market place". Anywhere outside your home can be uncomfortable to you. I don't know if I spelled it right or not. I have known a lot of people through my life that have this condition. People can learn how to conquer this fear, but they cannot be forced.
Good Luck, and go for it, but do not talk to Dad about it. He will not believe you and will give you a hard time. Men are different than we are, you know. C. N.
Hi K.. I read your post a couple days ago, and then I saw this article and thought of you. So I thought I would post the link so you could check it out:
http://www.babyzone.com/loadpage/article.asp?contentid=1251
It was very interesting - I hope it helps you. Good luck with everything!
If you were shy then you have to understand how he feels - - - the heart rate goes up the palms sweat you feel flushed... You are trying to force your son not to be shy and that will never work!!!!
You need to feel like a GREAT GREAT mom because your son feels comfortable to really be himself with you... Trust me that is important -
What you need to do is work on his shyness slowly and reward him for even the smallest steps (like ordering food, saying hello, answering the phone at home) Praise praise praise and by all means tell him you understand - - - and that accept that he feels shy at times, but remind him that it is important that he learns some skills to hide his shyness at times so that he will be able to interview for jobs and order food in restaurants and tell his doctors what he is feeling.
And don't ask him to go places - just tell him where you are going and what time you are leaving - if you give him the choice he will always say NO.....
Good Luck and enjoy your precious son.
Read this book: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Your son is "slow to warm up" and needs some TLC, particularly since his "comfort zone" is fractured in 2 pieces. My daughter is very shy and this book has helped me a great deal to cope with her shyness (I am the opposite of shy, so I first had to understand where she was coming from). He may just need more mental preparation and support from you. Read the book - hope it helps you as it did me!
It sounds like a bigger issue than shyness. Maybe he needs to talk to someone. There are many different programs available. Our church has a great family counseling dept. Sometimes they are able to get to the kids in ways we cannot. Good luck, my heart goes out to both of you. It sounds like it is terribly upsetting for you both.
