Very Shy 5 Year Old

i have the same prob. my girl same age and same grade. when she feels comfortable she'll come out. my daughter is now a chatter box w/her teacher and friends in the class. she still wont talk to other teachers and staff around the school. i see it as a good thing. she dosent talk to STRANGERS. SEE IT AS A GOOD THING. as long as she is learning and understanding dont worry about it.

Dear L. A.,

You have a very intelligent, strong willed child. Do not make this into a big problem. She will start talking when she feels the need to do it, and choses to do it herself. She is just different from other children, right now. It will work its way out sooner if you do not make a big deal out of it. Have confidence in her, good grief, a lot of people would be very happy to have a child that was highly intelligent. That is pretty good, drawing instead of speaking. It is called problem solving. Something we all need to do all of our lives, she is just getting started sooner. Notice ! the doctor was not concerned. Continue being happy and loving and all will be well. Have patience, and relax, Sincerely, C. N.

Hi L.,
I was a very shy little girl. I would wisper things in my mothers ear because I didn't want to be heard by anyone else. I grew out of it and now can't shut up. Chances are, she'll be fine too. There could be signs to watch for, but if you have not seen signs yet, I would not dig for things.

When my older daughter was young, I would let her have another drink at a fast food restaurant by giving her the money and telling her what to say to the clerk. She would fuss, but I would tell her if wants it, she has to go ask. Now, there is nothing shy about that kid.

I don't see anything wrong with encouraging her to be independant.

I know thsi may sound crazy bit you should try enrolling her in karate. My good friends daughter is very very shy like yours and she read an article about shy kids and karate. She enrolles her and ever since she has gotten more confident to speak and interact with others. I dont know if this is what you are looking for but it helped my friends daughter alot.

Hi my name is R. and i also have three kids and married, but mine are boys. Tryed for a girl and we gave up. We told are selves three stricks your out.lol
weell to your problem i think that you should just give her ttime. She has only been in school for a little while and you don't want to push heer cause she might go deeper into her shell. I think that if she doen't come out of her shell by the end of school year then maybe you have a problem.
My oldest was pretty shy to when he was younger i thought he had a problem cause he wouldn't talk just point but it was just his growing pattern he diddn't really talk tell he was three years old.his Younger brother was talking for him and he was 2. but he finally came around and now he never shuts up lol

Sounds to me that your daughter has "Selective Mutism". Do a search for this and you will be able to understand whats going on.

My good friend from childhood, John didn't speak to adults either. He is also very smart. John did speak to kids, my mom and one family friend that was an adult, he didn't speak to his parents but on the rare occasion. I asked John about this a few years ago he replied that he just didn’t want to talk to them. Granted John was the third of three kids and had older sibling to do all the talking for him. I won’t worry too much about it; she will find her way with your help and support. And by the way John is an Enginee and doing really well for a shy kid who didn't talk to adults.

Hi L.

I feel your pain. I was kinda in the same dilema with my son a couple of months ago. What your daughter is going through is very normal. Some kids are just shy and that is their personality. My son is a shy and reserved at the same time which can be very hard. I found out that a trick that might work for your daughter that worked for my son. Go to your friends houses on the weekends, go to local playgrounds, let her interact with other kids and adults. She will start slowing learning to trust people around her and she will open up. Don't push her let her go at her own pace, and see what happens, she will outgrow it. Other suggestion if your daughter has a lovely and is allowed to bring it to kingergarden let her bring it. A lot of kids need to hold something special to feel more secure.
If you need more help let me know, I have a five year old daughter as well and I know how it can be good luck.

Oh, she sounds so sweet. I can just imagine her sitting there with her head tilted to the side writing the numbers to 100 ever so quietly. How precious.

It does sound like she is overly shy and that the social group she's exposed to is limited to the people you mentioned... in my opinion, that's a good thing.

I raised my daughter with a very small social group because I didn't want thing like molestation to happen to her. She's 16 now and I can count only 3 men besides my father that were around her without my supervision. 1 is my husband who I met when she was 2 years old, but he was never alone with her until she was 8 or 9 years old because she needed a ride to school one day when I was sick. 2 is my best friend's husband who I knew before they even had kids and I never got a weird vibe from him concerning kids or even treating women inappropriately. And Mr. # 3 was the husband of my daughter's friend's mother who was there during a sleep over party, hosted by his wife and daughter.

And I can tell you this... I not only talked to my daughter about what molestation is, but I also did my best to describe the mental games and manipulations that preditors do to children to try and groom them, and I've talked with her about how when it comes to that kind of misbehavior -it's the adults responsibility and fault... never the childs. I've encouraged her that no matter what, even if she does something that she feels so shameful about that she just wants to jump out of her own skin over... she can always talk to me about it. Because, there are even some things, I have felt really bad about, guilty about, and shameful about, and because I talked about them... my parents (Gram and Gramp) where able to keep me safe.

So, she's heard it all of her life; even when she was your daughters age. And, to this day, she shares with me that "it has never happened to her", and that although I am paranoid, suspicious, and may have even corrupted her mind more than anyone else, and I'm really annoying...I kept her safe too.

I just encourage you that even though your daughter is shy and isn't talking very much... as you talk to her, you will may be giving her brain the words to understand even as she just listens along. That's how communication is developed.

So, setting all of that fear aside... let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I was the overly shy kid. At home and around family I was Shirley Temple -all full of performance, song, and dance (look at me, loot at me). But, at school, I withdrew. I don't know why. Perhaps, I was just an observer.

My teachers, held my mom aside one day and asked her to hang back and observe me with them. She did and what they saw was very interesting.

The other kids where learning to turn a jump rope and jump. I just stood there watching quietly not even standing in line or seeming like I wanted to take a turn. Each kid jumped in there and tripped all over the rope. I stood alone, aloof, off by myself not joining in. Then, after all of the kids took a turn and lost interest because of their defeated efforts, I stepped up before the rope turners quit. I'd never jumped rope before, but I jumped in perfectly (big jump, little jump, big jump, little jump) and I hung in there for as long as they were willing to turn the rope.

Being quiet allowed my brain to think, observe, and process all that I was taking in around me. There was nothing wrong with me. It's just that some people, people like me, think first before we act. Not a bad thing.

Struggles... now, I still struggle with feeling overstimulated around a lot of noise, chaos, and spontaneous activity. I like structure, routine, and the security of knowing what to expect and what to rely on. That makes mothering and parenting a couple of monkeys difficult for me. But, I am trying my best to rise to the occasion.

I think that most of all, I want to relay the message that she probably will grow out of it. She is talking and communicating with the other children, your family, and within the household.

Just get ready though... I say this because when she does feel like she's soaked in enough, you just might be left feeling beside yourself with a hard core extrovert. There will be a time where it all comes flooding out, in opinion, behavior, and mind blowing communication you never knew was in her.

And my only warning would be about bullies. The quiet ones can be picked on more easily and intimidated. They are more likely to submit, follow, withdraw, and hold in feelings like loneliness, fear, anxiety, sadness... Again that issue might also be one to talk to her about. Talking with her is the only way to give her brain the words to process her thoughts. In kids, stuff like feelings are hard to describe - they sort of hang there like a cloud of yuck in your gut that you sort of get used to living among. So, what is there to describe? ya know? That's just how living in a body feels. They get used to it.

Well, I wish you the best. She certainly sounds precious to me and like she's going to be just fine.

Hello. I don't know if this will help you at all but I just wanted to share it with you just in case. When I was young, around your daughters age i was the same way. I even used to cry everyday when my mom left me at school. I was tested many times because they thought something was wrong with me, but you know what, I was just real shy. Once I hit high school the shyness disappeared almost completely, I even joined drama. What I am saying is she just might need time to grow out of her shyness. Just give her plenty of praise to help build up her confidence. I am sure your doctor is not worried about her because she believes your daughter is normal just really shy. :)

L.-

I was a shy girl myself in school. Mostly, I was afraid of negative reactions from others. Only my problem was the opposite of your daughter. I could speak to adults, but not to my peers. My best idea for you is to simply start requiring that she make a verbal response when asked a question. Use the old phrase "use your words" to her. It may be that she simply doesn't know what to say or how to say it. I see that you wrote that your younger daughter is always sick, I wonder if your older daughter's shyness is a cry for attention? If this is the case, maybe some one-on-one time talking (and listening) to her may give you the clues you need. While you can't force her to be more social, you can help her find the tools to deal with adults on her own. She can come out of that shell with a little coaxing from you, and the other adults that she loves and trusts. Best of luck to you!

-B.-

I also have a daughter, 8 years old, who is beyond shy. From infancy, she had numerous sensory sensitivities (sound, touch, taste) which we were able to help her desensitize/control/manage with the intervention of an occupational therapist.

Still, however, she would literally "freeze" at school, church, essentially anywhere other than home. Her body and facial expression would become very stiff and rigid and she would not talk to anyone. Her OT told us that she merely had residual psychological damages due to suffering from her sensory deficits which produced excess anxiety.

At home she was totally normal and very bright with a beautiful and advanced vocabulary. However, at school and with other kids her age, even thought she was familiar with them and her surroundings, and even if we (her family) was with her, she absolutely would not talk. Then I learned about an anxiety disorder called "Selective Mutism." This is not merely shyness but an anxiety so strong that it literally renders the child mute in certain social surroundings. I checked out the website selectivemutism.org and was literally brought to tears reading stories which were exactly what my daughter had been experiencing/exhibiting all her life. Interestingly, selective mutism is characterized by just that - a child becoming unable to speak in social surroundings, exhibiting very rigid body movements and unable to make facial expressions (smiling, eg.) when in such situations. Also, it typically is noticed when the child starts preschool or day care.

Plese check it out and then, if you think your child suffers from similar symptoms, do yourself (and your child) a favor and learn as much as you can so that you can get her the help she needs. We only received a positive diagnosis last year (at age 7) and now have her in counseling with the goal of helping her to deal with the anxiety, such that her ability to talk in public will come easier. The frustrating thing is that many medical professionals know very little about this disorder, so you might find that you need to educate them as best as you can. We have even loaned books on the disorder to her counsellor and teacher!

Please do not delay looking into this as the anxiety is literally paralyzing and terrifying for the kid. The sooner they know that you are there to help and that you understand them, the better their chances for positive coping skills will be. Good luck!

I like your daughter was also extremely shy to the point that when a teacher called on me in class (I would have never thought of raising my hand) even if I new the answer I would shrug my shoulders. I can remember only having 1 or 2 friends at school each year and if they missed school I would stand by myself though recess because I was too afraid to talk to my other peers. I still to this day do not understand why I was and still am like this to a point. Once I was in college I put my public speaking class off until the very last moment and I took it during the summer because I knew that I could make it through a 4 week class, I even had to build myself up to be able to complete it. I passed the class with an A but only because the content of my speeches, it was like torture standing in front of my peers and I could hardly look at them. I have in no way let my shyness effect my jobs, I have always worked retail (so directly with customers) and I have never had a problem talking to my customers.
My best advice would be to encourage her to speak but, never force her to. There were a few times that I, a mostly A student, would take an F for a project that involved me being in front of a class. I can't explain the feeling but, I would have rather crawled in a whole. She will eventually learn that there are times when she has to speak but, she might never grow out of it completely.