Shunned 3Yr Old

I would suggest you get him into a good karate class. There are many that cater to add kids or those with special needs. It really does help them learn disapline and focus. But do not go expecting miracles in a few months. Its about sticking with it. Also there are a difference in the karate classes. I would try a few free ones till find one that is kid friendly and has classes geared toward a special needs individual. You will be amazed he will learn to stop hitting, ,get self control and self confidence. But I cannot stress do not go and expect results immediately it takes sticking to it and showing him he needs to stick with it. Not for just a month or two but a year or two.

I wonder if you're familiar with the practice of 'shadowing' a child with a difficult behavior (like biting or hitting). This is used at better day-care centers. Basically, one adult is assigned to stay near the child and watch him/her carefully so they can either intercept the behavior just before it happens, or correct the child immediately if it does.

No events are allowed to slide by without being addressed. This usually works to change the behavior, but it may take two weeks or more of consistent intervention. Usually the offending child is held and a firm message is delivered ("We don't bite!" or "Hands are for touching gently, like this [demonstrate].") Since professional daycare centers are not allowed to strike children, they use this approach, and for virtually all kids, it eventually works. But it must be used every single time.

If you want to try this with your son, you may find consistency is the thing that finally works for the hitting. If you correct him for only some of his hitting, though, he may actually hit more. He's getting some satisfaction from using this behavior, and occasionally "succeeding" gives him what is termed "intermittent rewards," which actually strengthens the pathways in the brain that register happiness or satisfaction. This is why gamblers persist in spite of many losses – they get the intermittent reward and become even more motivated to continue gambling. Funny how the brain works.

Good luck. Yes, what is happening to your son is "unfair," but it's not unreasonable. In fact, allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors is often useful in helping them understand why a behavior is undesirable. Unfortunately, if your son really has no control of his choices, or is still a little too young to understand the consequence, it may be awhile before this registers for him.

And if you were the parent of a child who was repeatedly hit by an overly-aggressive child, you would want to protect your child by keeping distance between them. You would not consider this shunning, only reasonable protection by a parent.

Keep looking into your son's behavior, and take advantage of whatever parenting classes or support groups you can find to help you deal with it more effectively. There are many good books for parents of special needs kids, too. Wishing you well.

I don't know enough to suggest that your son has a sensory processing disorder but your description fits my grandson in many ways and he has a sensory processing disorder. He's been in special ed because of speech difficulties. By the time he was 5 he was having behavior difficulties. He was too rough with other children. He wasn't aware of his own strength. He was unable to relate to other kids verbally and his frustration began to show in physical behavior such as pushing, hitting, kicking.

He's been in a therapeutic school since the first of the year and he's noticeably improved. He's 7, nearly 8. He was in a therapeutic preschool when he was 4 and was helped there too. In between he was in special ed and that wasn't enough structure or treatment for him.

I suggest that you have your son evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. He may have a disorder that is making it difficult for him to be aware of his body and how to use it effectively.

At the very least try some counseling with him. A counselor specializing in children may be able to help you learn different skills that will help you work with him. When my grandson was first diagnosed a social worker came to their home once a week and taught my daughter a way of disciplining that worked with both of her children better than the ways she was using.

Why can't you let your 8 yo play on the playground without her preschool brother tagging along? It makes no sense to me to put the 3yo with big kids. He's at a different maturity level, has fewer social skills, and doesn't even like to play the same games. Seems to me that you're setting him up for failure when you know he doesn't get along in groups of children on the playground. Each child needs to be treated based on their maturity level and abilities. Three year olds should not be expected to play with 8 year olds and vice versa. Yes, as siblings they will play together some of the time but it should not be an all the time requirement.

My 10 yo daughter is allowed to play on the apartment playground by herself but her 7 yo special needs brother has to have an adult with him most of the time. Since January and attending the therapeutic school he is able to play on the playground by himself some of the time. Whether or not he needs supervision is based on his behavior and his needs.

I suggest your son has special needs, as you have said, and needs to be better supervised on the playground or possibly not put into the stressful position that playing in groups puts him in. Special needs means special treatment.

Being the mom of a special needs child is difficult. Other moms won't understand, especially if you're not able to hear them and sympathize with the difficulties being around your children cause them. If you make an effort to understand them, and stop being defensive, I suggest that they will be more understanding of your situation.

Your so what happens sounds like you're very discouraged. Please get some help and some support so that you can continue to be an advocate for your son. You learn ways to manage his behavior so that you can teach him how to manage his own behavior. Every parent has to do this when their child is 3. You have an extra challenge. Get professional help!

Your post comes across as so defensive, which I understand, but isn't going to fix the problem. Think about it from the other mom's point of view - would you want your kid to hang around a child who was out of control, hit your child, etc? Honestly, I wouldn't want my kids to be around that - it's not fair to them either. I can totally appreciate that your child is difficult to discipline and that you are trying, but that doesn't mean my first instinct isn't to protect my own child.

I have been reading your last sentence, and I think that the inverse is much more likely - other kids won't like him if he's mean and aggressive, not that their rejection will make him so. At 3, children are very forgiving. If your son can learn to manage his aggressive behavior, with your help, of course, he will make friends.

I think that the best that you can do right now is work on controlling the situation. If your son does best in small groups, than that's where he can hang out. Invite people over for 1-1 playdates. Work with the counselor on specific strategies that can help manage the problematic behavior.

Not all children are the same, and they can't be treated the same way, even within our own families. "Fair" does not always mean "equal." Perhaps your son really cannot handle the playground right now developmentally. That's okay. He will at some point.

Finally, try not to be mad at your friends. Unless they are really calling you out in a mean or unfair way, they are just trying to do what's best by their kids, the same way you're trying to do what's best by your kid. If you can, try talking to them about your struggles and how you feel badly that it's impacting your relationship.

Good luck.

When you say your son has special needs, are you talking about ADHD? Our son was like yours at that age and has that condition. We spent a good couple of years in hiding, rarely taking him out because he was so destructive, hyper and out of control.

Counseling is definitely a good first step, but also see if you can get him in with a child psychiatrist or other specialist, if you haven't already. Specialists can help you better manage his special needs condition, even at this young age.

If he is acting out against other kids, you do need to take extra measures out in public because others just don't understand all you go through each day and how you're handling things. They have no clue what it's like. Our son's behavior had me wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out, it was so mortifying. I felt horrible about all he was doing.

I will say that punishments need to steer away from belts and spanking, particularly because he has aggressive tendencies himself and it just reinforces it. (And I don't say this as a saint ... we spanked, too, when things were extreme and nothing else was working) A behavioral therapist can give you some good ideas for positive reinforcement as well as appropriate punishments for special needs kids. It's not the same as with regular kids.

I understand the desperation in your writing tone in just wanting people to accept your child. I've been there. Unfortunately, until he gets the right medical help, he is going to be shunned. Get the ball moving with the medical specialists ASAP. I can tell you things can get better with the right medical help.

Also, look for support groups for his special needs condition. You'll connect with other parents going through exactly what you are and maybe even be able to set up playdates with parents and kids going through the same challenges.

Hi S.,

I hear a lot of anger in both your original question and your follow-up. I might not say what you want to hear either, but maybe you can help us out...

You mention that your son is "special needs", and this can mean a great many things to a great many people. Has he been evaluated by an early intervention specialist? I ask this because you don't mention what exactly his diagnosed issues are. And I think this is a question for your son's therapy providers or team, if he has one.

Peg's suggestion of shadowing is a great one.

Please understand, too, that in cases where parents are seeing their children get hurt, they need to speak out. Someone has to advocate for their child, and they are doing what's appropriate. If you begin shadowing your son when out on the playground, and following through with correction, this will do a great deal to alleviate the tension and concerns of other parents.

Lastly, and you aren't going to like it, but I am going to say it, please consider other methods of working with your child other than physical punishment. If you are using a belt on a three-year-old child, you could be setting yourself up for a CPS visit. Finding some discipline techniques that will help your son will help you too. As you said, what you are doing isn't working, so a therapist familiar with your son's needs will be able to get some resources for you.

I think most of the women here wish you the best. I hope you find a way to find some kernel of wisdom,truth or direction in what we've offered.

my daughter isnt special needs but this is what i do with her. before we get to the park we have a talk about what is ok and not ok to do while playing. things that are ok - waiting our turn, being careful, being nice etc. things that are not ok- hitting, pushing, screaming, climbing up the slide. i will give her 3 warning and only 3 warnings then we go home. i do not care if we have been there 5 mins. or an hour. your son is capable to manage these simple task. i dont think its your fault but there has to be a line to draw.

When you are a mother of a child with special needs, whatever they are, you find ways to steer him away from situations that would allow him to lash out on the public.
If you have a "line of sight" child that child should never be more than an arms length away from you at 3 years old, this may continue until he is 9 or 10, impossible, yes it is!!.
You have to take control of him. He lashes out, take him away, every time.
Stop using he is special needs as an excuse.
I had a line of sight child. It was hell. But we were consistent and because of that he is now able to function in society.
It can be done if you take control and realize that your friends are probably right, they don't want your child around. He hurts their children.

And yes you can keep him away from the playground when the big kids are out there. He is too young to go, period.

I pray counseling works for him and you. But we found consistency and minimal distractions worked the best for us. By minimal, he had no toys in his room, only his bed and a dresser and books. We watched no tv, had no cable. No sugar, no soda, no red dyes. We watched every move and had the schools do the same. We had an IEP at three different schools.

He is 3, get control now before it is too late.

If he can get along with one other child then stick to play dates with one child for a while. What makes your friend say you do not discipline your child? If he is that wild you must have to talk to him about his behavior frequently and she must see this all the time. Have you looked into a preschool for special needs children? The teachers would be experts at teaching ways to get along with peers.

One suggestion I have is to try acting out some of these situations at home and ask him what he should do when trouble starts at the playground. You could even act them out with some of his toys if that helps. I hope things get better for him and for you. It seems that you are willing to try lots of things to get him help and that he means the world to you : )

EDIT: Have you ever watched "A Place of Our Own" on PBS? It's a show for parents and child care providers and is very helpful on so many different aspects of raising kids. I was watching it today and it was about bullying and kids being isolated by others, and it made me think of you. There are episodes online that you can search at aplaceofourown.org

What kind of special needs? His behavior can fall into a variety of special needs, but you didn't mention what it was. Are you all getting counseling for this? Does he receive therapy? Perhaps you can see if there's a support group for parents that have kids like yours... That is where I would start if I were you.

I'm a parent who's daughter has been hit by a boy who had ADHD at a costume party. It was a hard hit and it hurt! My daughter was bummed the whole night about it. She kept saying her chest hurt a lot and her spirit of play was crushed. She's usually happy, friendly and super-outgoing, but she had this face that looked like she was on the verge of crying. She asked to go home early, so we did. She wasn't able to "show-off" her costume at the end where everyone voted on who's was best, etc...

I explained to her that his brain doesn't work the same way hers and ours does, but still- getting hit not only physically hurts, it hurts inside, too. If your child is being "shunned" because of his rough behavior, it is only natural for the other children to feel that way.

I think you need to step back a bit from public play when things are wild enough as it is, and maybe only do one on one play dates for now. See how he continues to do with a calmer environment. It really sounds like a playground environment is too wild for him and brings out his bad side. I would certainly look into therapy, counseling or something else to help him develop into the best person he can be. He needs to reach his full potential as a child, every child needs that chance.

You have received some GREAT advice. I hope you take all of it to heart and look into the suggestions that have been made. The only thing I would add that maybe you are unrealistic expectations of others and the reality of the issues your son has. You don't mention what his diagnosis is or what you do do to work with him i.e, therapy, medication, counseling etc. I have seen many times parents w/ special needs children being in denial about their child's capabilities and have expectations of others to act as though they have no issues. Your son will be shunned as such as long as he is unable to control his actions - just as any kid would be, special needs or not. He is only three, you have a long way to go to and a lot to learn in regards how to handle situations and teaching him to control himself. Seek out programs and support groups that pertain to your son's special needs and a lot of doors will open for you and him.

I knew this mom once. She she has two girls about 4 or 5 years a part. Well if the oldest had homework she wouldn't let the youngest out of the house to play. Even if it meant giving the older one a few minutes of quiet time to finish her work. She did bow down to the oldest demands about it not being fair. The youngest never got to go out first, we would always hear the oldest whine and then the youngest had to come in or the older got to come out.

I am telling you this because it doesn't matter what your oldest does - there are two different people at two different stages of life. Maybe use the playground as a reward --if day one he was bad at the playground then the next day no matter what he does not go. Then day 3 think of it as a new day and he gets to go to playground he can go on day 4 if and only if you see good behavior on day 3.
You would still use whatever discipline you use while there but if you have to correct him x number of times then he loses the privilege for the next day. Maybe that will get the message to your son and to your friends that it isn't a matter of you not caring or being to easy.

I know how tough it can be. Hugs and hang in there.

update: what a minute I didn't want it to seem like you or your child is the problem--if he is being picked on and he is reacting to that then you simply tell the other child and parents....you can't make some one mad or hurt there feelings and get away with it. He is defending himself and they are the problem. In that case---when someone say hey he hit me then you ask why, what did you do to him?
I think it all depends on the age - 3 years is kinda of an in between age (still young enough to take and hit but old enough to be held accountable for those actions) but still as long as you know why he is hitting - then you will know how to handle it. It will NOT always be a case of him being "the mean one". That is the message you need to get to the other moms. Stand up for your son if you are feel he is being bullied. Tell them well if you pick on me and laugh at me I would hit you to.
Your job for his age is to teach him to walk away from the meaner kids but then you let those parents know you don't think the other kids should be saying things....at this age you fight his battles for him.

Yes, you might have to let your son cry and stay inside until he can learn that the mean kids are not his best friends- young kids are happy thinking everyone is a "best friend" I am not saying everyday but he does need to get an idea of how to walk away from people.

Are you even certain he is special needs? Maybe he is just ADHD, which I personally wouldnt consider special needs. An ADHD kid can handle just as much, if not more, discipline as another "normal" child. Aspergian or autistic children have more difficulty. Sorry to be a bubble burster, but sounds to me like your boy needs more discipline. 3 year olds tend to push boundaries, and seems like yours may be pushing and pushing, with children and adults alike. If I were a young child, I dont think Id want to play with a WILD kid, as you put it. Id rather play with the other kids who dont hit and scream and whatnot...

The counseling will help both of you at home as well as away from home. He just needs to learn what is appropriate behavior. You will also learn what kind of discipline works for a special needs child. Hang in there. There will always be kids who will react badly to someone they don't understand - like a child with special needs. Perhaps you can start getting together with one other family at first so you can teach the other children what your son likes and doesn't like. When they see that he is fun, loving and happy kid, they will not be afraid and treat him badly.

Is there some playground equipment somewhere where there aren't as many kids at one time? This will also be a good place to talk to few other kids that are there about what your son likes and dislikes.

Hang in there. Your son has a great mom since you are trying to find ways to help him to be with other kids. Keep asking questions and don't let the people get to you who don't really understand the whole situation. I know I don't understand it all, but I see that you are trying to be the best mom you can be to all of your kids.

He's just a rambunctious kid, seriously, he is not out of the bounds or normal in my opinion. If anyone is shunning you, just let them go, there are other people in your life that know and love you and your kids. I think people expect boys to be so tame these days. I am not advocating violence or anything but my goodness boys will tussle, it's just life. Hang in there girl!