Shout of Frustration!

Ditto Dyreka. and HUGS!!!!

Also... as someone who is adhd-c, and has an adhd-c kiddo... you MAY want to look into it (I know, one more thing, right?). Addiction follows undiagnosed adhd kids around like a cloud (self medicating + sensory seeking), and for the 14 year old ... the waiting until the last minute (for the adrenalin to clear her mind so she can focus) is a CLASSIC symptom. Obviously, everyone procrastinates from time to time, but when it's the ONLY way things get "done" the vast majority of the time... yeah. Huge flag for those of us who have been there.

My best resource for "looking into it" is this book:

"You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!?" by Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/07432...

Additude Magazine is another good source, but it depends on the reader having basic understanding of adhd for MOST of it... and what the general public knows about adhd is squat. The media showcases about 2% of the disorder. Just as an example, most people don't know that along with the distraction (hypofocuse) also come hyperfocus... where we focus INTENSELY on things we're interested in. Anyhow... so a lot of the site assumes a base of knowledge, but here's the site anyway!! :) http://www.additudemag.com/

Anyhow, I just thought I'd bring it up, since adhd solutions are so different from "normal" solutions (like blasting music in order to concentrate)... that I thought I'd bring it up. No use pounding your head against the wall if there's a series of relatively easy solutions out there, you know? Girls are MASSIVELY underdiagnosed (from the evidence of how many WOMEN are dx'd later in life), in large part because girls tend toward either adhd-i (inattentive/ daydreamy), or adhd-c (like me!) which combines both the hyperactive physical and hyperactive mental)... which is harder to spot than either adhd-i or adhd-h. ADHD also runs in families, I know some families with 6 kids and 5 of them are different forms of adhd. In my family it gallops and skips about. We're really easy to spot from the non-adhd members... you just look at our jobs. We're the artists, emergency workers, adventure types, absent minded professors, and military folk. <laughing> and the SAHM's who strap sponges on their kids feet to clean the floors. ;) Find the "off the wall" or emotionally intense job seekers in my family and guaranteed, they're adhd. So it's theoretically possible that if it runs in Dad's family, all you children (or none) may have it.

I know you weren't really looking for advice, but after reading your post, it sounds like I may have a suggestion you might not have thought of, and I think it could really help you.

If you are surviving okay financially right now and you're not working again yet, then maybe you should consider staying at home and homeschooling. You can catch up on the school work in no time flat. With a little serious application you could have the 16yo finished with high school within a year, two at the most. You don't have anything to lose by looking into it and I firmly believe that homeschooling has the potential to make a huge positive impact on all of the problems you're describing. I think the social/moral climate in government schools is toxic and I think it's having a really negative effect on a lot of kids these days.

What have you got to lose? Homeschooling will at the least keep them under your direct supervision and allow you to be there when they are experiencing issues so you can help them work through it.

Also if you choose something like homeschooling, it might be beneficial to start with a school sabbatical. Just take the girls somewhere relaxing and all of you spend some time together not doing much but getting to know each other again. Make sure it's somewhere that is surrounded by healthful nature and there is no TV, no cell phones allowed etc... This forces them to do without their shields (the things they hide behind and use to distract them from the problems they have) and it will force them to face themselves and come to term with themselves. Do things with them every minute. Maybe you could all do each other's nails, or sit and read books together and then talk about them, or if there is a TV/DVD but no cable, you can take some good girl movies and watch them together. You could use this time to teach them to cook and sew or anything creative really. Hold an open Q&A session. Let them know that you will answer any question they want to ask you, woman to woman at this time, whether it be about sex, college, love, marriage, frisbees....whatever. This could be a huge help. At the least it will let them know that you care about them and want to help them in any way you can.

Just food for thought.

If your 16 year old is already doing this and has been in the rehab for 2 years or more then you need to threaten putting her in therapeutic foster home. My sister went in when she was 15 because she did drugs and did bad in school and also had a bad attitude toward everyone in the house. If you don't put your foot down once and for all then she's gonna end up walking all over you and could hurt one of your other children. I am not going to sugar coat anything because that's not how life works. My sister is now 17 and was in the program for about a year and half and is soo much better. She doesn't do drugs and she has a great attitude. But your 16 year old sounds like my sister in laws twin. She actually tells her mom to shut up and uses cuss words at her and her dad. She has no respect for anyone. And because of her drug use she now has a permanent nasal drip because the drugs eroded her nasal cavity away. As far as I know she has pretty much done every drug under the sun. As for the cutting it's a psychological thing, she's doing it to get attention. She needs help and not outpatient help either. She needs to be somewhere where she can't go anywhere unsupervised. And what of her father? It doesn't sound like he's doing very much to help you in your stress. Also get him to help you. Good luck. And best wishes to you.

A.

Give the 21 yr old and "Independence Deadline". She has until August 2011 to graduate, get a job, and move out.

The 19 yr old sounds like he needs career counseling, full time employment of any kind, and/or counseling/medication for depression.

The 16 yr old sounds like a real handful. Any chance she can be in a full-time, physical placement rehab. Meaning she lives and learns and works in a rehab facility vs doing it on an out-patient basis.

Your 3 yr old scribbling instead of tracing letters. Perfect. Not to worry. Totally age-appropriate. Any chance she might be interested in sign language. Not because her ears are such a disability but simply because "listening" to sign language requires looking the person in the eye which improves listening skills.

Hang in there mama!

It sounds like you have your hands full. I think you should put pressure on your 16 year old to do good in school and stay away from cutting and drugs etc. Be consistent and loving. Don't give up and don't let her give up either. It doesn't sound like you're giving up but I thought I'd encourage you. =) It sounds like you are staying on top of each of your children and handling it well. It won't be easy because you have so many children (I have 5 also) but you love them and you pay attention to them. Be consistent and keep up the good work. Hang in there! One day they'll all have kids of their own to worry about...LOL

You definitely have a lot going on in your life--I hope you are finding time to take care of YOU! Especially with the challenges of your 16 year old please try out some alanon meetings--I have learned so much about detaching with love and being able to live MY life and not everyone else's (not saying you are doing that at all!!)....it has been wonderfully helpful.

Oh and regarding your 3 year old. I think scribbling all over the page instead of tracing her name is a fine way to spend the day at preschool. They have lots and lots of years to write their name!!!

Hugs to you!

The 21 is old enough to get out. Find a roomate, sell her car and take a bus if she needs too.

The 19 year old will learn respect and obedience when he leaves for the military. If he doesn't get in, he needs some career and life coach counseling as well.

For the older two, Dr. Phil has some great advice on older child 'moochers' as he calls them:
http://drphil.com/shows/show/405/

The 16 year old, wow, those are some serious issues. Maybe it would be best for her to quit school and get her GED, perhaps a good tutor can help her with that, then maybe enroll in a simple class or program at a local community college and get a job. If not, then she really should go in a girls home, where she will get her education, counseling and supervision by professionals daily.

Your 3 year old sound fine, don't worry about her scribbles.

Give your 21 year old an ultimatum She is old enough to be on her own. Also as soon as you kick her out the others will see you as for real and may start to think twice about their actions.
Has the 19 year old been to the recruiter? he needs to go ASAP. Get the ASVAB, go to MEPS and get into boot camp. You can then relax because any branch of service will shape him up. Mine chose the Navy. I thank God for the Navy every day.
Like the poster before me, it sounds like your 16 year old needs to be committed to the hospital spych/addiction ward. For her sake and that of the family do it.
Give your 14 yo soon to be in high school some choices. Have her join a club and/or a sport. In HS the kids have to maintain a certain grade point average to stay in whatever they are doing.
You'll get through it. So will they.
Tonight have a glass of wine and a nice bath and close your door.

Wow! Well, the 19 year old will learn not to be lazy when he is in the military... but don't tell him that or he might not want to go.

It sounds to me that maybe some tough love and counseling is needed here. I am wondering how much time your husband spends with the kids since he is in school full-time. I think he needs to be part of the tough love and counseling.

Wow, I know the feeling, I raised some step kids myself.........I think you need to have a family meeting......hubby included..........then make some rules that can be basically agreed upon by all........have the kids help set some rules as well for when they misbehave..........I did this and it worked!!!! I was shocked to say the least and in most cases, they were harder on themselves than I would have been...............
I was at the point you are.........I told them, I don't know what to do with you anymore..........you don't care, and I do, but you are being to stubborn to see that this is your life you are destroying...........I explained why I was upset, what school meant for them, why it was so very important, what did they want to do with their lives..........responsibility for the actions, we went through it all!!!!!!!!!!!
It helped alot, we still had some bad times, and it took patience.....but I told them I loved them and that they needed to realize that I wanted what was good for them, even if they didn't think so at the time.............

I do think the one who cuts herself needs some help where she is made to stay in a hospital of some sorts to get this issue dealt with, it doesn't sound like what you are doing now is doing any good if she's been in it this long without any better results.

Good Luck, hang in there and start keeping a journal, it helps alot!!!! If nothing else you get tired of writing........
Take care.

Well this may not be a solution to you but my suggestion for your 16 year old is to possibly drop out of high school and work on getting a GED. If she has been in three different high schools and is so far behind that she can't deal with her addiction problem then maybe she needs to take this time now to focus on rehab and getting better and then going for her GED . My cousin ended up doing that because she hated high school so much and is actually doing much better now...While I don't know the extent of her addiction, it is definitely something that needs to be her #1 priority right now. I don't know how close you two are, but perhaps taking her out solo one day and talking to her, really bonding with her will open her up a bit and give her some encouragement to really take ahold of her life and strive for better. The 21 year old- that sounds normal. Juggling work and college is tough for anyone, and part time job income is gone so fast with just a bill or two.

Sounds to me like you are doing your best to try to hold it all together, but I agree with Carol M- Make sure you are getting some you time as well ! It's easy to burn yourself out when you are constantly worried about the well-being of your family, esp during hard times like these. Do yourself a favor tonight. Draw a nice hot bath, light some candles, grab a magazine and lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour. Take deep breaths and don't think about anything but you ! No matter how many rain clouds in the sky, remember the sun is always going to come back out and shine. Sometimes its the tough times that bring us closer. Good luck and take care !