my son doesn't take any initiative to do anything, for example I have to tell him to shower, brush his teeth, feed the dog etc.... now he goes to a montessori school where he is resonsible for doing his work, we have had conferences with his teacher and even made up folders where he can put his papers for each subject and included a folder for assignements that need to be turned in.... we also told him to to write the due date on the paper as soon as he gets it. Well, he does not do any of it. Unless we go through his binder every day on my prompting he doesn't do it. His answers to me are always I don't know. I work full time and go to school so I was kind of hoping for him to be a little more self suffcient at this age. His 7 yr old brother has no issue giving me papers form school and school work. At this school there is no homework unless the student doesn't complete in class. He always says he did it.
So, any other moms out there that may have similuar issues and how did you reslove it? What worked for you and your child?
Thanks!!
My son was the same way for awhile and he still has his days, we got him tested to make sure he didn't have ADD(his dad does and said he struggled like that in school) he dosent so I stopped walking behind him and cleaning up after him he started having to take resposiability for his actions. which forced him to step it up and do what he needed to do. Good luck I hope you can find something that works for your family.
I have three teens and a tween. Two of my three teens went through this at that age, and we still have some issues with it. None of them have ADD or ADHD. They're just normal kids.
This may not be the popular answer, but here it is. Stop telling him to do it and stop getting on him. Then, when he doesn't turn it in, and he starts getting failing grades, ground him. Make him sit at the dining room table until the grade comes up. (Or however you want to do it, but this is how we do it.)
It's called natural consequences. If you don't turn in your homework, you fail. Would rather have him learn that now, or when he's in college? Or worse, when he's out in the real world and has a job?
That's just my humble opinion.
He sounds like my husband. I have known him since he was 13 and he has always been this way.
He also drove his parents crazy about homework and chores.. He either would not do it. Or he would do the work with them sitting next to him, but he would not turn it in!!!! He can look at anything and tell you how it works and why.. but he hates sitting down and having to write it down. So Math.. he would pass the exams, but would get points taking off because he did not "Show his work"..
He has been diagnosed with ADHD.. and guess what? They never grow out of it. After 30 years of marriage, he has some coping skills.. but to give you an idea.. Trash day has always been on Fridays for us.. It was even Fridays growing up.. He still cannot remember. Every Friday I have to remind him.. Even then, from the front door to the trash can he can still forget. So weekly chores have to be reminded to him each week. If it is you doing it.. and alarm on his computer, his cell phone.. HE needs to be a part of figuring this out.
The good news?.. My husband is able to keep it together at work.. He has always been successful. He even has his own company doing the computer Graphics and photography, he loves so much. . But at home I really need to guide him on things he has no interest in. House work.. Yard work.. etc,,
What I have discovered is to work on one skill at a time.. and have him come up with the solution.
If he has a big project to do, I ask him to tell me about it and then I ask him questions about how is he going to break the project down. Then I ask how I can help him remember.. With technology.. He can now send messages to himself on his iphone. He sets up all sorts of alarms and calendars on his computer, phone and ipad.
See if there is anyway to help him solve these tasks.
I placed a calendar in our bathroom.. I also leave notes for him using post it notes on the bathroom mirror, front door and his keys..
Sometimes I email him..
Eventually by doing this you will help hm figure out the system that works best for him. Step back and observe what does work.. What is the pattern of activity that does work.
Understand this.. He is not doing this to make you mad.. He is doing this because of the wiring in his brain.. He just needs to find a way to survive and then put his own system into action.
I am sending you strength and patience.
I have a 10 year-old daughter. She has gotten better throughout this year about keeping track of what homework is due, but I still need to ask her every night and every weekend - what does she have to do, how long will it take, does she need to use the computer, does she need any special materials, etc. so that she gets it done. I still tell her when to shower and wash her hair, wash her face, sometimes she will brush her teeth without me telling her. She is still getting used to the fact that her skin and hair are oilier and need to be washed more often. Her chore is to feed the dog and cats around 5:00 each day, and she needs to be reminded.
I think this is normal for this age. But, my daughter will be expected to be more self-sufficient by middle school, so we have one more year to work on that.
I would suggest asking him for his ideas about how to organize his work. My daughter's school gives them each a planner at the beginning of the year and each day they write in their homework and I have to initial it each day (or they miss part of recess).
If your son has a part in solving the problems, he is more likely to follow-through. Remember, that knowledge does not change behavior. His knowing that he's "supposed to" doesn't make him do it, his deciding on small changes day-to-day can work to change behavior.
Gosh! I could say the very same thing. My son is 12 and never did anything unless he was told do, showering and any hygeine, homework, getting dressed, feeding the dog, making himself snacks, for a while now. We would have to go through his backpack everynight to clean it / organize it and check for informational papers.
After some advice from his counselor of 3 years (who could not figure him out either) he underwent some testing for psychological concerns and turns out they feel he is mildly depressed and put him on a low dosage of antidepressants. I know our case is different but as his mother, I would have never guessed him as depressed.
That was 3 months ago and he is back to the boy I used to know, very organized and gets his schoolwork done, keeps me informed about school, showers regularly, does his homework, plays with the dog and even walks the neighbors dogs.
If I had to guess I would think this age his hard for boys and they are in the beginning stages of puberty and are honestly questioning things themselves. You may not know what is happening at school in his social life. Maybe he is feeling like he doesnt fit in, maybe he is just questioning his place so I would recommend counseling to help him talk things out.
T.
We had the same problem until my son was 11 and he is somewhat outgrowing it. Maybe maturity wise he is a little young. Also, my son said that he liked me helping him so I told him that It would really make me happy if he was a little more responsible. I get him to pick out what he is going to wear the next morning and lay it out and put his folder and backpack in front of the door every night. This too, hopefully shall pass!
Wow, this sounds like my husband! :-/ I'll have to read the answers so I can get some ideas, too.
I think alot of it is due to the age. My daughter is the same way. I love her in a minute mom which turns out to be 20 minutes and a reminder from me. They are so into there stuff right now finding their own mind. I have to stop walk to her look her in the face and say no do it now or I've had to set timers and say if its not done no tv or somesuch.. Still even with that there are times she is hearing the timer go off and say I'm going and finally does it lol
Had an ADHD eval, yet?
ADHD has 3 types, and ADHD-I and ADHD-C kids often get missed until puberty (or missed entirely) because we present in a less annoying way that ADHD-H types do.
www.additudemag.com is one of the best sources of free information you can find. CHADD is another one.
Montessori is actually one of the best models for ADHD education in the K12 system (because hyperfocus on things you're interested in comes part and parcel with space cadet syndrome), and it allows you to do multiple areas of study in one type of work (reading, writing, math, and history... all in a science work for example). But upper level montessori requires an organization and completion of boring stuff that a lot of ADHD kids just aren't capable of. (It's far far worse in standard k12, though)
So... here's a thing to know about ADHD-I and ADHD-C. We think more than one thought at a time. Most people I know are thinking of 5 or 6 things concurrently, and have another 2 dozen in the background. It's VERY useful in certain circumstance, but in the day to day grind it can almost be impossible to break through. And then once broken through, no matter how important, it's just not as interesting as the 5 other things, so it falls to the back of the 'rolodex'.
Stimulants slow us down. In ADHD-h & ADHD-c, they slow down our bodies. In ADHD-i and ADHD-c they slow down our minds.
Imagine the most helter skelter tumble of thoughts you've every had. First pregnancy, death of a loved one, anything, ANYTHING where your mind is tumbling all over itself and you find yourself saying "Huh?" when people are talking to you. That's what ADHD is like (in part, there's more to it, but that's a piece) ALL. THE. TIME.
What you've described are CLASSIC ADHD flags. And you're at the classic age for the less annoying versions of ADHD to become super annoying (aka when they most often get diagnosed).
So, myself, I would get an eval. In the meantime, though, check out the link above, and see if it sounds familiar. Remember, there are 3 types. You'd be looking at ADHD-I (formerly ADD), or ADHD-C (formerly add/adhd... the i = inattentive, and the h in the adhd part is because of the hyperactive MENTAL part.... the c is combined, which means both hyperactive mental and hyperactive physical)
____-
WHY AN EVAL IN IMPORTANT
What you would do that would 'work' is entirely different if your son is neurotypical or if he's ADHD. A common example is if he's neurotypical, he probably needs quiet to study. If he's ADHD, cranking up music will help him study. Two POLAR OPPOSITE methods.
You can pound your head, and his, against the drywall for YEARS trying to do 'what works' on neurotypical kids and failing if he's ADHD. Sorta like telling a diabetic to just CARE MORE about producing insulin. Not going to happen. So the eval is super super important to save you both time and heartache and damaged relationship. Because a lot of things that work on a neurotypical kid make things WORSE on an adhd kid. And vice versa.
