Should I Wait to Have a Third?

I just saw this quote and it's worth thinking about in situations like this where you are going back and forth on what is right or not right...

"Every problem has a solution. If there is no solution, there is no problem."

Perhaps since you are both on the fence...then now is the best time to enjoy what you have now and the rest will fall into place when its the right time. :)

I have two children 17 months apart, so I understand the feeling of wanting some "me" time. If you want a break, I think that you should take it, or risk running into some depression. If you are meant to have more children, you will have them. If not, enjoy the two that you do have.

I would wait. I have a daughter who is just 8 and a son who is just 7. I just had my third one a month ago and let me tell you. They are such a BIG help. They are at school all say so it is momma baby bonding time then when they come home they are missing baby so helping out is easy to get them to do. I know a few moms that have children back to back to back and they are all in diaprs and i DO NOT ENVY THEM!!!!

From a child's perspective: I have two sisters a year apart younger than me, and I was expected to be The Big Sister and shelter them (read "free babysitter"). I was assigned the job of The Groundbreaker and was supposed show them how to interact with the world, when I was still wondering how to interact myself. Neither my sisters nor I appreciated this situation – I think I lost time I needed to learn how to just be myself, and my sisters chafed under my assignment that I control their behavior. We all still have issues in our 50's and 60's, and are not close at all.

I have a third sister who came along when I was eight, and I dearly loved being her big sister, because I had more maturity. We were inseparable when she was little.

So, close spacing may work fine for some kids, not so much for others. I've known adults who recall longing for less competition for their parents' attention or hating siblings with poorly matched personalities. There are simply no guarantees of sibling bliss, regardless of spacing.

I should mention that I've also known two women who were clearly brought into the world to meet the emotional needs and desires of their parents. Neither of them feels like a cherished person in her own right, both carry enormous anxieties and resentments, and both have been in therapy forever. One is periodically suicidal, and wishes she had never been born. Children are not toys, pets, rewards or possessions. They are singular human beings.

So your motives, and your husband's, are important. I'm not suggesting they are not worthy, because you don't give enough information for me to even guess. I'm just saying I hope you will consider carefully.

And with your sense that you could use a break, I think you have really answered your own question. Pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for babies make enormous demands on your body and soul, and it sounds as though those exhausting early months also leave you with resentment toward your husband. Please listen to your own needs carefully – your little ones need you to be the best, healthiest, happiest person you can be. That is in their interest just as much as your own.

Hi M.,
I just had to respond to your request. Here is my situation and story. I have three kids. My oldest two are two years apart. My youngest two are 15 months apart. We didn't plan it that way, as we were only planning on having two. However, my youngest is over two now and we are just finally feeling like we can get out of the house and do more things. I have found that having three kids is much harder than two. We are outnumbered. I know that I'm sounding negative. However, I'm just trying to be real. I absolutely love my kids and I love having three now, but it was hard at first. My body went into "freak out" mode after my son (#3) was born. I spiraled down and cried every day. I felt like I had the flu. My doctor and I treated it like postpardum depression with antidepressants. It worked. Thankfully, I am not on them anymore. My husband is really, really helpful too. I'm very lucky. So....it's been rough. Now though, life is good. I really look forward to them as teenagers (believe it or not) and when they are adults. I feel the love pouring out of them everyday and it melts me. This is not a decision you should take lightly. Overall, this should be YOUR decision as you are the one who has to change your entire life to be pregnant and nurse and who is the primary caregiver. It is NOT selfish to feel that way. It's real. If you are not ready to be prego again, don't do it. Sit out on your deck with your girlfriends and have cocktails for a while and think it over. Talk with those friends about it. Most of all, talk with your husband about it. ALOT. Sounds like you guys have a lot to discuss. Good luck with your decision. I'm sure you will make the perfect decision. If you would like to discuss more with me, feel free.
Take Care!
A.

It sounds like it will be simpler if you waited a little bit especially since your husband isn't much help with the baby. My children are 3 years apart and they played well together probually until the older one was about 12 years old.
I hope no one tells you that you are selfish for wanted some time between having children.You need to be ready to put the energy into being pregnant and taking care of a new baby. We wanted our children 3 years apart because we wanted the older one have his babyhood before having another baby. There are no wrong or right answers about if its better only to have children close together or farther apart. It's whats best for you & your family(having,raising, and affording them).

Medically speaking, studies have shown that the optimal time to get pregnant after the last pregnancy is when the first child is 18 months to 5 years in age. It is the best for both the health of mom and the new baby (so you have time to build calcium and other nutrients back up before a new baby is draining you). That also follows within the natural timeline of when full-time nursing babies tend to self-wean and you might start ovulating again (assuming you haven't gotten your period yet). Of course, our little girl weaned at 9 1/2 months, so that doesn't really fit - she's always had to be ahead. ;-)

That being said, you and your husband need to sit down and talk about your family goals and dreams. The conversation doesn't have to be limited to just baby talk. You both have dreams for your family, and you might be surprised to hear what the other one says.

You said that the number of kids he wants depends on the day (along with how quickly he might want more kids). How wonderful that you two seem to be basically on the same page about wanting more kids, however, now would be a good time to share how YOU feel. Of course adding to your family affects all of you, but lets be honest, it affects you the most. You'll be raising three kids full-time and if mama is not taking care of her self, she can't take care of everyone else. It sounds like you have a good relationship so don't be afraid to lay it on the line and say that your body needs a break (not to mention the bit of sanity it will bring). Also, point out that you're ready to get back to having some adult outings and that you need a "mommy break" from time to time. If he really listens to your needs, he might even arrange a ladies night out for you! :-) And who knows, maybe you'll want a baby sooner than you thought once you get a bit of a break (you both can always change your minds) or you might even have a surprise baby. Take care! :-)

Hi M.,

I have two boy's(six and three)who are very close and play wonderfully together, most of the time. They are over three years apart. I loved having the time with each child ,separately, to enjoy them and have some me time. I think if your not 100% in love with the idea of another baby, then you should wait. It did not hurt my kids relationship with eachother at all! Hope this helps!

We are having #3 in March. There will be a 3 1/2 year age difference between the two youngest. Big brother is also very excited to help with the new baby!

S.

M.,

My best friend and her sister are 18 months apart and still fight like cats and dogs as grown women. My husband has two brothers that are 11 months apart and fought like cats and dogs while growing up. They're better now as grown men. I am an only child.

My two kids are 3 years 5 months apart and are best friends. My biggest fear with two kids was the sibling rivalry. I saw it through my best friend, and listening to stories from my husband it's amazing that they all lived, and that they never burned their house down (he's the 5th of 6). I'd heard all the horror stories of older kids hating the new addition and jumping on the baby, or trying to suffocate the baby with a pillow and all that stuff.

Thankfully my two aren't like that. The first words out of my son's mouth at the hospital weren't Hi Mom or I missed you Mom or How are you Mom? Nope, his first words were: Can I hold my baby sister now? His is one of the first faces she saw. They're now almost 5 and almost 18 months and she'll chase him around the house to give him a hug. He's her idol and he adores her. He lets her knock him over a beat up on him and when he's had enough he gets up and moves. I can count on the fingers of one hand and have fingers left over the times he retaliated against her.

In my long winded way I'm saying wait. Give yourself time to be your own person, not just the baby factory. I'd also mention to your husband that if/when y'all have another that you need more help from him in the first three months, that you can't do the four-hour feedings all night **and** take care of the other two during the day. You need him to help out, even if it's just getting up and bringing you the baby for a feeding, then putting him/her back in bed.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I think you owe it to yourself and your children to wait. Let your body fully recover from the pregnancy. Have time to enjoy being a wife and a woman - not just a mama! Your kids will also benefit from not having your attention divided by a demanding newborn. (And it's ESPECIALLY tough being the middle child. Talk about being stuck in limbo - you're not old enough to do new and exciting things and you're not young enough to need around-the-clock attention.)

(And I have to say that, in my opinion, MOST dads are pretty clueless with newborns. My husband wanted to be helpful and supportive, but he just didn't know how!)

I actually think that three to five years is a really good separation. I know that some people want to have their kids close in age so they'll be close and play together, but being close in age doesn't mean two siblings will be friends. I think it's more about their personalities. I've never been close with my sister, who is 18 months younger than me. My husband has never been close with the sibling closest to his age, BUT, he's best friends with the brother who is 12 years older. Go figure!

Well, I would say that if you don't feel ready for a third one, maybe it's not the right time yet? My husband and I just went through this regarding deciding whether to have a 2nd child. Our first one is 15 months.

After a lot of thought and discussion, we decided to wait until he is a bit older until we try to go for a 2nd child (if we decide to at all) so we can concentrate our focus on him, and enjoy this time in his life. We've got our lives to the point where everything is pretty smooth (in our relationship, and in the way we've worked out our life/work/etc with the baby), and for us, it feels like it's better to wait a bit until we really feel like we're ready. It was a hard decision though, as I'm in my late 30's, so I feel the time pressure to have another baby ASAP.

I would just think that it's probably better for both parents to decide that they are ready... And I don't think you are being selfish to want to wait!

Best of luck to you!

i'd encourage you to really consider why you even want more than two children. check out the voluntary human extinction movement (vhemt.org). their point of view may be a little extreme for you, but they have some interesting good articles that might help you clarify your feelings about this. and consider the fact that you have two arms and that your husband doesn't seem to enjoy and help out with the early months. (you can tell my bias here... i loved having babies so much i probably would have had four or five but my body stopped me at two, for which i am actually quite grateful now!)

You're not being selfish. Quite apart from me time, you could probably use some recovery time. And it wouldn't necessarily be a good idea to add another kid to the mix right now either. Two may be company, but you never know if three might turn into a crowd. It might be better to wait until their old enough to appreciate a younger sibling. A friend of mine has kids at 5, 3.5, and 1, and they seem to do quite well with that extra gap between 3.5 and 1.

Is there a reason why waiting might make a third child less likely? Is your husband having self-confidence issues? It sounds like the two of you need to have a long talk and hash out all your feelings and fears because it sounds like there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed.

My kids are 2 and 4 and I just feel like things have started to get easier and I have more time to myself. Im Stay at home too and really wanted another for a while. We decided to stop at two and now Im really glad. I can give my kids everything they need because I can sleep all night and make dinner and help with preschool and have playdates. If you can, dont make a decision until they are more self sufficient and see how you feel. I feel too old, but would love to have another in 4-5 years, unfortunatly its not an option since we will be well into our mid 40's by then. Things are so crazy when your kids are super little.

Wait, Wait, Wait. You have barely caught your breath and don't even know how busy you will become in the next two years. I do. I have two who are two years apart and the first two years there were many times when I didn't even sit down all day--with a non cooperative husband. After two was good.

I sometimes think that my oldest was short changed because my youngest was so demanding. My oldest was sweet and non demanding. I could have given him so much more if I had given him more. That is some thing you need to consider. How much time and energy do you have to give to each child. It is just to have children, or do you have the enough love to give children that are placed close together?

h i there. So, this is just my experience, and know that i would not do a thing to change it. And, there have been challenges. I worked at a preschool and loved the kids, i wanted nothing more than having my own children...which i quickly started on. (background to say i thought i would love having older kids) My first two are a year and ahalf apart like yours...girl and boy in that order. I also felt the need to wait, although there were ties i wanted to have them all closer. My third is about 3 and a half years after my boy, another sweet girl. The thing for me is, at that point of the oldest being 2, i could have had ten more babies. But now...i am having such a hard time with the older child. My 8year old can be so mean...stomping and disdainful, slamming her door. I never thought she would be this way. Her and her brother squabble a lot, and it is so wearing on me. i never thought it would be like this...and maybe it won't be for you. i just thought i would share, beacuse yesterday i was talking to another Mom and said..."wow, had i known it would be this hard...i don't know if i would have made the same choice" it just all seemed so easy then, when they were babies. Many blessings, and i hope this didn't feel too negative. Just a glimpse of my perspective...and it isn't always that bad. We also have financial struggles that limit out time together, and our patience...so that adds to it. Ok...good luck.
M.

I do have a lot of input on this...but will keep it to the big one:

Why did he change his mind so quickly?
Let him be heard too. Ask why. Ask what kind of timeline he is interested in. See if he knows. Maybe he decided something completely different. Maybe he isn't sure he wants another really, and he is testing the waters there.

I just think you may want to talk to him. Having 2 so close would be difficult. Maybe you can, while having this talk, let him know that IF you do, he will need to play more of a role to help you. Communicate a lot. Kids reduce the communication sometimes. Don't let that happen, keep talking.

Good luch

A.

Hi Maqadalyn,

First of all, you didn't mention how old you are. Age can make a huge difference. If you are 35 or older, I would consider having another sooner because it starts getting significantly harder to conceive.

As far as how the children get along...I was a middle child. My sister is almost 3 years older than me and my brother is only 13 months younger. It was always 2 against 1 and my sister frequently felt left out. My brother and I are still much closer than my sister and I and share some mutual friends.

A few of the things you have said, seem like red flags. It sounds like both you and your husband are having some conflicting feelings. You really need to have a long talk and make sure that whatever decision you make is OK with both of you. Guard your marriage! The health of your marriage is much more important than bringing another child into the marriage. You don't want to be single with 3 kids to care for! I would also talk to your husband (NOT judgementally) about WHY he wasn't helping the first 3 months. My husband is much less comfortable with the young infants and really struggles with newborn cries. He feels much more comfortable once they get bigger. He also may have been shocked by the extra work of another one-- how soon it slips our memory! Once you work these things out, then I think you will know when the time is right.

Hi M.,

I only have one right now, but I do want to share what I have had more than one friend tell me...going from one to two is "easy", but going from two to three is a much harder experience - in fact, one friend, who is a father of 5 said, that going to three was harder than the transition to 5! But this isn't meant to deter you if it's what you want and what you think you can handle. But certainly go into it with a pre-arranged deal that if he's not going to be help the first three months of the baby's life than he's going to have to be the dominant parent for the older ones during that time.

But without knowing your husband or situation - it kind of sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into deciding now about getting pregnant again with his "could be the last" comment. He hasn't had to deal with having his body run by someone else for awhile, so he has no idea to empathize.

If you want to rest than rest. Don't think about it for awhile. Just enjoy your two children and then, if you are ready it will be time. But don't let your partner's passive agressive ways to play on your fears of it being too late to make the decision for you. You'll only hate him for it.

Good luck.

M.,

I agree, you should listen to your body and your mind, and take time to really make a conscious decision about having a third. Turning 40 does decrease your fertility and increase some risks, but it also does not rule out having a healthy, happy baby - even at 45 or 46. Talk to your doctor, get clear with your husband and yourself, and don't let time be your deciding factor.

Hi M.,
From a health standpoint, unless there are extenuating circumstances (e.g. over age 40 at next possible conception), I definitely think you should consider waiting to have another baby. My pediatrician told me after the birth of my daughter that a woman after childbirth has lost 8% of the mass of her brain. The brain is mainly made up of cholesterol and fats, so it takes a while for your body to make up for that loss. Also, pregnancy and breastfeeding deplete your body of other nutrients, so the next child will be being fed from an already depleted source. Of course, there are lots of women who have lots of children very close together and everybody seems fine and healthy, but I have to wonder if they really all do have optimal health or if the true health of the children and mothers is actually less than it could have been. A lot of the research that I've done suggests that 3 years of recuperation is best---and it sounds like you need a mental health break, as well! (It's so much easier for your husband to watch you be preg and nursing than it is to actually do it!) :)
Good luck and best wishes,
Jennifer

I personally would wait till you are ready. Especially since you are the one to carry the baby and take care of the other children. You little one is so small and really needs his momma. I can't imagine having two small kids and being pregnant I know there would be no way I could give them the attention they need. I would just enjoy them till you are ready and if its a couple years then its a couple years. My son is 16 months and we are still nursing and I am hoping we coming to an end so I can be able to be away from him to enjoy some nights out. You are not being selfish at all.
Good luck

Wait! It takes two years for your body to recover all the nutrients lost in birthing a baby. I am a baby lover too, but you have to remember what raising children involve...potty training, school, extra curricular activities, adolescence, etc. Me time can be so under rated and incredibly important. It is obvious that you need it and are somewhat craving that. Not just for you, but for your children. It is really good to have a break from your own children, so you can recoup and reflect on what you are doing and what you would like to change etc. as far as parenting is concerned. It is also good to miss them to ensure that you do not take them for granted. Beyond me time, is couple time. Once you have three, it can be that much harder to have time as a couple to focus on your marriage. Don't count on your husband necessarily being much different when it comes to helping out with the third baby. When the children are older, he will most likely be more helpful because the older children will be more independent. My children are 2 years and three months apart, and I wish they were closer to 3 years apart so I could have focused more on my first when she was two. There was so much I missed after my son was born because I had to tend to him and she was the type that really needed that extra attention and didn't get it. Just remember that you have a huge say in this and that your voice needs to be heard just as much as you need to hear and respect your husbands say. Don't be afraid to be straight forward and tell him you are tired and need a longer break in-between kids. There isn't anything wrong with that and there is nothing selfish in wanting to be the best mom and wife that you can be and admitting what would encourage that.

I have 2 girls 2 years apart and they have always been super close. We wanted to have our third close but my health took a turn and then of course money was an issue so we waited. Our son is 4 years younger than our second daughter and it's great! They are old enough to help out and they love him. At first I was worried and figured we needed to have another because he'd always be left out but now I see it's just great. A lot of it has to do with how you raise them. I have always made my children play together and love each other. Also it was nice on me. It's amazing what a little extra help does.

You don't want to have more just because your husband wants them. That won't help anything. Please make sure YOU are ready.

Good Luck. I'll be praying for your family.

Dear M.,

No you are not being selfish to consider your own needs; which, in the long run, is considering the needs of your husband and your children. Now that you have two to care for you have a full schedule. However, after a few years you may wish to have another couple of children. Your first two will have grown mature enough to enjoy a new brother or sister and the second "batch" will keep you company while your older children are in school.

We had four children fairly close together and we had a great time with the as they grew. It isn't impossible to enjoy and thrive with a larger family.

Wishing you the best.

It sounds like YOU are feeling the need to wait a bit, so for that I'd say you should trust that instinct and wait. Explain to your husband why you feel you need more time between #2 and #3 - your mental and physical health, recovery time from pregnancy, newborns and breastfeeding, etc.

I had my first two 16 months apart and then our third is 2 years younger than our 2nd. They're still all quite close in age (my oldest is 3 1/2 and my youngest is 1 month). I definitely needed more time after #2 but when she was about 15 months I felt like we could go for a third, because I did know I wanted a third, it was just a question of handling them all so close together. And my husband felt pressured that if we wanted one more we needed to do it soon as he is in his later 30s. Take it one month at a time and see how you feel, and just keep talking out your feelings with your husband - honestly they'll probably change daily for you both, as evidenced by the comments he's made.

But I do want to say that having three young and close together is not horrendous as everyone seems to think. I get a lot of looks, some pitying or maybe disgust? with my three little ones. I could definitely do without the people who say "don't you know what causes that?" And while, yes, it is exhausting having three so young, it's also fun, fulfilling and precious. They really won't be little for long, I'd rather have three close together than not at all.

Hi M.
Listen to What your husband is saying and then look at what he is doing. Yes he is having a GRAND TIME becouse he does not have to do the work and enjoys all the bennifits. If YOU want a third at some time that is up to you it is your body. It sounds like your body is saying GIVE ME A BREAK. Adding a third can also make everything change becouse now there is a middle child. In a lot of families the older child is the seroget parent and is given responsibilities they should not have to bear. the second child is looking for attention and recognition as a valued part of the unit. and the third is getting most of the attention. You all ready have 3 children, your husband, a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Has your husband ever stayed home for a week alone with all the children and no back up? If he has not helped in the past what makes you think he will do any thing different in the future. Tell your husband that you have thought about it and the answer is NO
Children go threw phases and each is a gem in it's time and way. Children are not a play station that can be reset or replaced if broken. The parents job is to bring this gift in to the world and teach it all it needs to be the best it can be and than let it go. Children are not something to hang on to and hold so tight they can not grow. If your husband likes the stage one of the children are going threw than he should have a vidio cam at all times so he can hang on to that moment to reflect on in his wainimg years and see if what has been created is what he thought it would be. If you are going for a third becouse of all the fun than how about 4,5,6,7,8,9, that can be areal party. If one wants a large family that is great IF there is enough money, time, mental, phsycal stringth, and a strong spiritual life. If you say no to any of these things than stick with the gift's you have and take care of them and YOUR SELF in the best possable way, Hope fully your hubby will like to travel with you in this magical jurney of raising the future genaraton and who knows one could even become president or even change the world for the better. The foundation of a child is all it has to draw on as an adult so give him or her a good one.

It sounds like your husband isn't quite sure on spacing either. Keep your options open. Keep talking with your husband. Neither of you should feel pressured. But remember it is your body that needs to be ready for another pregnancy and that may take awhile.
I'm pregnant with my second so I can't imagine what having 3 would be like. But what about 2 years apart not 18 months? Or even longer? They will still play. If I only wanted 3 ideally the 3rd if the 1st two are close wouldn't be more than 3 years younger. I wouldn't want the 3rd to not be friends with brother and sister. On the other hand the longer you wait the easier the other two are in daily tasks and can help some.

WAIT!!! Or don't have any more. Your husband has no right to tell you what to do. You need a break! Enjoy life. It's too short. You ARE NOT selfish. If you have another one, you need to demand that your husband help you out more. You deserve to have your body back!

I have read most of the responds you have already received as I didn't want to repeat everything you have already been told. One thing that wasn't really gotten into was the healing time of your body. In having babies so close togethe you do not give your female organs time to heal and recouperate, then you have your stomich musials and skin to relax and go back into place, ( please forgive the spelling)
2 years between the time you become pregnet again is about as early as I would think be good for your body, besides the added benifit of that special time betwwen mother and infant that you could miss with them too close together, plus at that age differnce it gives each child their own time with mom which is important.
But the main thing is your body, if you don't allow it time to reshape its self, after all your childern are born, it will be much harder on you to get it back together. I know some will say I am wrong, but I do know that your body can effect your mind, and depressin.
Take your time, enjoy each child and learn who they are before the next one , it will make it easier and always make sure the older ones are always included in the younger ones care and play time and you will have lots of happy little ones.
Good luck,
the first 3 months are the hardest on you and if you already have a couple of little ones to care for it makes it harder, andd you can't give them 100 % of moomy's love and time if you are beyond tired, So tell your husband you love him and caring his babies, but he needs to get off his duff and help, and if he can't agree to that then you can't agree to having anothe, as you have already cared for them alone for the first 9 months.

Hi there!
I know exactly what you mean and am currently experiencing a similar situation. We have two boys that are just 2 years apart and my initial thought was that all our kids would be no more than 3 years apart. However, this time around I realized that I wanted some "me" time to just enjoy especially the summer, be able to go and have drinks with the girls, etc. Needless to say I am not prego yet and still can't decide when to try as I am enjoying this time not being prego or breastfeeding and playing with our boys (who will soon be 4 and 2). I completely understand where you are coming from and do not think you are being selfish at all!

As far as the third not having as special of a time with your other two if he/she is not as close in age--I think regardless of age (unless there is a very significant span), at some point the gap closes and they have the potential to be best friends! Good luck :-)

If it were me, I'd wait 4 years and have two more. I don't know what ages you and your husband are. It wouldn't be an option for me, but my second is going to be almost 5 years younger, and I have SO enjoyed getting to know my first son's personality and to be able to have quality time with just him. Plus, he's going to be a wonderful help with son #2 arrives.

I think you should wait

sounds like neither of you are ready. enjoy your kids. and take a moment to be "you".

a good cocktail for the non drinking mommy is adding tonic water to cranberry juice or orange juice. and I also enjoyed sparkling water. they made me feel like an adult. some of the alcohol free beers are okay too, just try different brands untiil you find one you like.

My two daughters are 4 years apart and they get along fine. My sisters 2 kids are 5 1/2 years apart and they also get along really well. So the question is what are you comfortable with and what does your heart tell you? Good luck on your decision.
H. T.