Should I Take Them?

Hi Momma of 4,
This is a very frustrating situation I too have found myself in with my son. After much stewing and angry thought I reached my conclusion and I am so glad that I did. I am taking my son to all of his activities( and paying for them all) on my own. This is challenging to accomodate at times and with other little ones it gets to be so overwhelming but I am so glad I looked past my issues and put his needs first. Taking my son has allowed me to have a special connection with him that his Dad has passed on. I am familiar with all of his coaches, what he's doing, how to help him practice, and I know all of his friends in those activities. I also LOVE sneaking him away for extra time that normally he would be with his father so that we can do the extra activities. My son realizes that I do this for him and feels more comfortable with me there now than anyone else. I am the first one he runs to when he has an accomplishment that is hug-worthy at one of his special events:-)(and yes his dad shows up to karate tests,games, and the majo events to show off his son to all of his family while I do all the hauling to practices!)
Best of luck and remember to cherish the kids while you have them:-)

I think you need to provide as much consistency in their lives as possible right now, which means taking them if you can, even if it's not your turn. However, I also think that if your husband "can't" then he shouldn't have 50/50 custody. I would see about getting the custody arrangement changed if he can't fulfill his obligations.

Edit....changing the custody arrangements so that you have them more than 50% of the time should also mean that you get more child support.

Maybe you should go to court to change custody to every other weekend... since he can't find the time to keep the kids on a consistent schedule - for school and after school activities - this is a BIG DEAL.

It SHOULD be his responsibility, but obviously that's not the way he sees it. Unless he can't get them there due to work schedules, then that's a different story. I can relate to that one! That's gonna be up to you then. You have to decide what's more important, that your kids participate in the activities and know they can always count on you, or to refuse to take them to make a point. Do what's best for your kids. It doesn't make it any less aggravating, but do what's best for your kids.

Please take them to the activities.

He is being a jerk, but to not take them is to punish the children for the Father's bad attitude. And that is simply not fair to the children.

I agree with the other Moms that you may want to review and/or revisit your custody agreement. If you are doing more than 50% of the child rearing (which you are) then your should have them more.

All children need at least one parent that they can depend on - that parent is you.

Hugs!

My ex only had our kids on fridays from 3 - 8 while in school and 12 - 5 when they were out of school. When my oldest had soccer practice on Fridays from 530 - 7, my ex brought him home to me to take because it just didn't fit into his schedule. He never saw him play one soccer game. So when ex decided to watch our other son at a baseball game, my oldest greeted him and then went back to playing with his friends. My #2 son said hi but then had to sit the bench with this team. My ex didn't even stay thru 2 innings because no one talked to him. I got the high 5s from every single game for both kids and I got to celebrate the highs and hold on for the lows with them, but they are my bestest friends now and their bio-dad, well he missed every opportunity.

Take them to their practice - be at their games. They know who they can depend on.

I have a friend who has 3 boys. One of her sons got mad at her for missing his wrestling meet. She asked him why he was mad at her and not his dad for not being there. His reply, I expect you to be there, I never expect anything from him.

Best of luck!

What's the reason behind "he can't take them". They are in activities and if he wants to keep 50/50 custody, then that is his responsibility when he has them. That should be the deal. Also - you mention he sometimes is running late...so he assumes you will just be waiting at home every day for the rest of your life in case he can't be there??? Sounds like he wants to keep your life busy...maybe not let you get out and meet people???? He doesn't sound like he's being fair to me. I am sure you are okay with this, because as moms - we want to be there for our kids.....still doesn't make it right that he does it. Good luck....

Check your divorce/custody paperwork---it should be spelled out. If its not, then get it changed to clarify.

If he can't take them to their activities, which is part of being a parent, then he probably should have custody much less.

In the meantime, though, do what you can to get them there. The kids don't really understand (on an emotional level) that you're trying to teach Dad a lesson.

I'm sorry this is happening. And I look forward to hearing what other moms do in this situation. Unless his issue is that he must be at work at the exact time of this activity, It sounds like he is taking advantage of your willingness to take the kids to this activity on his time. He needs to understand that HE is responsible for getting them there or THEY lose out.

I'm not in this situation, but as a mom with a kid who does have extracurricular activities, I wondered: Since he claims he wants the kids to do this activity, would it help if whoever teaches/coaches/leads it made clear to him that the kids need to be at EVERY session, not just occasional ones? Can you get him to come to a session and talk to the leader?

You could discus with your ex how, if the kids are not at the activity on his time, and you don't take them, it's the kids who will lose out and have to deal with the unpleasant conseqences of his not taking them.

And there are usually consequences for the kids: If the activity is a sport, for instance, the kids may not get to play the next game because they missed too many practices, or if it's a dance class, they can't perform in the final show because they missed too many classes (that would certainly be the case in my daughter's dance classes!).

Perhaps if your ex is told that kids who dont' participate fully cannot play in the big game/be in the show/get the scout badge/go on the field trip at the end/whatever, he may at least realize that his slackness will cost the kids what they are working toward in the activity.

I"m not saying abandon the kids on those days. You'll probably end up taking them anyway because they like this activity. That's tough, because it lets him get away with continuing to use you and be slack on his commitment to his kids. But only you know if it might help to have a third party like a coach or teacher talk to him. Some parents, it might work for, and others might see it as interference. But he clearly doesn't get that the kids' activity is something the kids committed to.

This sounds so much like what happened with my ex and kids. I would talk to your ex and just simply explain to him that if he can't help out with getting the kids to their activities, you will just have to see about getting custody changed so that you have them more, (you have them anyway), but you should be getting credit with the court for that. I was always the one taking my kids everywhere, attending every game, every race. Now that they are older and not involved in as many activities, I really miss that special time I had with them. Life was crazy for awhile when they were both involved in sports in two different towns. But I wouldn't change it for anything. Your ex is the one missing out. Take the kids if at all possible. They notice these things and they will know that you are the one making the extra effort. It will be worth it.

You need to work it out with him.....if for whatever reason you can not do that. Then you need to do what is right for the kids...do they really want to particpate in the activities? If so maybe have them each choose one. But above all you have to do the right thing by the kids....either the husband participates or he doesn't you can't control this - you can only control how you handle the situation to do right by the kids.

Ditto what Lesley B. said.

Well, legally right now there is nothing you can change in your arrangement. I would do what is in the best interest of the kids. They didn't ask for this situation, and later on I'd think you would regret not taking them versus being able to say well it was his turn... But you may consider talking to your lawyer to document the situation, and advising the ex of that. You may (a) get his attention or (b) modify your agreement. I'm assuming also these are normal activities, etc.

my court papers say that XH has to take them when they are with him, as long as he was aware before the activity started the days and such. We have shared parenting as well. It may be worth checking your papers to see if there is anything in there about activities, it's standard for the most part I think.

If he signs them up he takes them.

If you sign them up you take on your weekends and you decide if you are willing to do it on his weekend

If it is a mutual then each should take their turn

It sounds like he is not taking responsiblity and is pawning them off on you. But then again I don't know that I would mind if I were you. At least you get to spend more time with your children -- his loss
However is it his way of never giving you free time.....not allowing you to go out or make plans?
If you have something else to do on his weekend then he will either take them or they miss out. The children may suffer.....but they will know it is their dad that let them down.....then again does it bother them if they miss?