A little history......my husband and I have 5 kids, 3 from my first marriage and 2 from his. We have full custody off all of them, His ex lives 3 hours away, gets them every other weekend and during the summer 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. Our girls are in 2nd grade, 2 in 1 st grade and 1 in K and they are all old enough now to want to do extracuricular activities. Here lies the problem, their mom wont let them do anything on her weekend. Now I understand she cant and shouldnt have to give up all her weekends however she isnt willing to budge about anything! They were in dance class last year before we were married and they had 3 shows during the whole year and all happened to fall on her weekends and she wouldnt let them go, the last show he finally said he was taking them and if she wanted to write the friend of the court than that was her decision. We dont have alot of money, well we dont have any money really since both our ex's are dead beats and dont help, and we cant afford to spend a bunch of money to put the kids into things they are going to have to miss half off. But I still have my daughters! Their dad has to visit them here cause he lives 6 hours away so even if things fall on his weekend he takes them. My girsl want to do things but I dont know what to do! Should I let my kids do things and not his, or let them all do things and just waste the money or not let anyone do anything!?! This was suppossed to be a quick question and just went way out of control! We have written the friend of the court
but there isnt anything they can do its on her if she wants them to do it or not so it sucks for the kids!
edit........we have asked her to switch weekends, we even bought dance tickets for her and her boyfriend, she is froim her and no i dont expect her to give up her time except she frequently lets her own mother have her parenting time and has gone a month before without seeing to or talking to her daughters, frankly she had the kids for money, my husbands family is freakishly loaded and she thought that ment money for her, she lost custody cause she doesnt take care of them, they are just tools to manipulate and most of the time my step daughters do not want to go to their moms and are upset when anything more than a weekend comes up.
Have the girls tried talking to her, asking nicely if she would be a part of the activity with them by coming to events on her weekends? I feel bad for them, what a selfish and petty mom. (her, not you!)
I would give the kids opportunities even if they are missing many of them. Perhaps you can talk to the dance studios and tell them your dilemma, just ask if they will give you a discounted rate since the girls will only be going part time.
In a perfect world, she would be willing to switch weekends to make little exceptions on those few occasions, but not everyone is that generous.
We have a similar situation with my stepdaughter, but lucky for us her mom is really flexible and will even bring her daughter to the events.
Most dance studios know when their recital is, so before you sign them up, find out when the recital is. Pick a studio where the recital falls on your weekend, or sign your girls up for a non-recital class.
My stepdaughter does gymnastics and it's only once a week during the week. She does dance that's only once a week during the week and she's not required to do the recital. She did a music class that was during the week and she did an art class that was once a week. So there are lots of options that don't require weekends.
You could also look into summer camps since you have 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off.
I'm sorry she's being manipulative. Hopefully as the girls get older she'll look more for their welfare and not for her own ends.
Otherwise you can talk to her and get her agreement on what activities you will do. Perhaps if you consult her you can get her willingness, especially if she knows it will make her girls happy.
Well, all I can say is that I have custody of my son and the situation was a little reversed.
His father constantly signed him up for activities on MY weekends.
For instance, he would sign him up to play baseball, without even asking me, knowing that 80% of the games and practices were during my "periods of responsibility".
For one thing, ummmmmm, I worked full time to support us and couldn't take time off work to pull all that off. No problem for HIM. He could take time off whenever he wanted. And, like I said, no consulting me at all. What if I had plans, birthday parties, activities with my older child, etc? He had actually no remorse about scheduling a season of my evenings and weekends for me.
I resented it.
I couldn't even schedule things on my own time and he even went to court and said that I was selfish and not acting in the best interest of our child by "denying" him activities.
Some of the stuff he scheduled him for was so ridiculous and required over an hour drive one direction, on MY time, knowing full well it would be hard on me, if not impossible.
I'm sorry, but I've been on the other end of my kids being used to control and schedule my life.
Do you want to know what happened?
My son wasn't stupid.
He knew what his dad was doing.
My son began to refuse to participate in anything because he wanted time with his dad AND he wanted time with his mom.
AND, he was more happy when the two were kept separate.
HE was the one in the middle of all the crazy scheduling and he wasn't happy with any of it.
He is 16 now. He doesn't even remember a time when his dad and I were together, that's how young he was when we divorced.
Only in the last year have his father and I COMMUNICATED properly about what was doable for each of us and how to share activities.
If my son says, "Dad...I'm not giving up my time with Mom", there's nothing his dad can do about it.
Likewise, if my son says, "Mom, I have a chance to go to a fishing tournament with dad on your Saturday, can I go?" ....I say yes.
He wouldn't even ask me if we had something else special like a family related event or something.
You see all the kids as yours, and that's a wonderful thing.
But, the fact of the matter is that they do have a mother and she is entitled to time with them and scheduling things on her time, no matter how much you try to muffy-fluff it, is still scheduling things on her time.
No offense. Just my opinion. Like I said, being on the other end of it pretty much sucks.
One thing my ex learned from court and all the mediations that we had to go through is that the parent who "offers the most toys" doesn't win.
Meaning, kids are totally capable of wanting one parent more because they have a bigger TV or they are allowed to play video games, or there is always ice cream in the freezer.
It doesn't mean the other parent has nothing to offer.
Blending families is hard.
You may not think much of her, but there is another mom involved.
Unfortunately this is a tough spot. My stepson missed a lot of visitations when he got into football because his mother (who doesn't live terribly far) did not want to watch the game or bring him up for the game if it was on Saturday. He had to make some choices, like when he'd miss a game or practice and when he'd miss Mom. Terrible thing to do to your kid, IMO, when there are options.
If she won't trade time, then maybe they can only do things that fall on your time, shows included. We did that when my stepdaughter was interested in ice skating. She took the mid-week class so we could maintain the schedule. When there was a summer session, it was on her mom's time and she couldn't go unless her mom arranged it. Nothing we could do about it.
As they get older, school events will fall on nights and weekends. Generally the school requires both parents to approve (which my stepson's mother did) so that might be the end of it right there.
Another thing we did was speak to the coaches and explain the situation. We did our best, but sometimes it was out of our hands if the child was there or not.
It may be that your girls do x and his do y. You might ask around for options, even talk to the school to see what community events or classes they may be aware of.
While I'm a fan of being fair, it's also unfair to hold back one child for another. I would try not to go overboard in either direction.
I also agree that sometimes it needs to be court ordered that she either takes them or allows him to take them with x notice. Pathetic, but true.
How would you feel if she signed them up for something where she lived and expected you to either send them to her or go up there every time an event fell during your time? That is basically what you are asking.
Sorry if I don't seem to have much compassion but I would be pissed if my ex asked me to give up my time with the kids "for the kids" I would be all over the court explaining life to him. Give me a break, time with each parent is more important that ballet!
I had to have it put in the actual court order that my ex must take our son to anything that falls on his weekends (sports, parties, cub scouts, etc) because he wouldn't take him anywhere. Your friend in the court is wrong you can take her to court to have the order modified because it's in the best interest of the children.
She does not sound like she is willing to compromise and so you all will have to understand this when you sign up the kids for activities.
It is a matter of a 3 hour travel time.. which is really 12 hours mom is on the road every weekend she has them. That is very stressful.
So if an event is on moms weekend, you all expect her to not pick up the kids, but to travel down and then back home, then bring the kids back to you all and mom drive back to her town?
Or to switch her schedule for each event for 2 daughters?
It is a bit much.
All of you living in different towns is tough. When others are not willing to participate, all I can suggest is for you to put the girls in activities that happen during the week and not on weekends.
Such a shame you all do not live closer, but this is the life you all are living, so your girls will need to get used to this situation. Just try not to make it a big deal.
As a child of divorce.. this situation makes my skin crawl.. It brings back so many terrible memories of my parents yelling and pushing and pulling on my and my sisters account.. It is an awful feeling to know that the adults are all using you as their weapons against each other.. I still have nightmares and I am 50 years old.
Wow, I admire all you are dealing with and the fact that you are trying to put the kids first. Is there a chance that she will switch weekends with you on the weekends containing the recitals and big events? I would definitely let your girls go, no need to punish them due to the ex. But I would explain the situation to them (in kid speak) and tell them to be sympathetic and supportive to his girls. That has got to be hard, but perhaps the mom will relent if she hears from her girls that she wants to go.
Good luck!
Selfish mom. She should want her kids to be able to experience life. To me it sounds like she is jealous that her kids might get to do something she wasn't able to do as a child. She needs to understand that her daughters need to have a variety of experiences and extra curricular activities all through school to get into a good college and to qualify for a lot of the scholorships available.
What is she going to do when they hit Jr high and high school and things like homecoming, prom and other dances and games --dating come up? Is she going to tell the girls they can not going to homecoming or prom because it's her weekend? What if they get a part-time job, sorry honey can't work this weekend it's mom's weekend. Silly selfish woman.
My kids are not in any extracurricular activities and they are older (11 and 8). But what we have run into is they miss out on all their classmates bday parties that fall on their dads weekend. At first he tells them they can go, but then he doesn't take them. Truly heartbreaking and so sad. And they are old enough to KNOW what a jerk he is being, which is even sadder. I guess I don't really have any advice unless you go back to court and add it to your court docs that she is required to take them on her weekends. Good luck!
I am in a similar situation...my advice would be to either find something during the week they can do or even go threw your citys recreational center,they have alot of activities and sports,maybe just his kids can do something special..keep your kids in sports,..you have control over you and your family on your time,unfortunately you cant do much on her end,you cant let "her" affect you and your family any longer. his kids will one day know how unfair and controlling their mom is,and they will also know that you and your husband have made the most of a unfair situation...the best of luck!!!
In our family, we've done the best we can to enroll kids in things and take them when we have them and urge the other parent to let them be involved on their weekends too, but that has hardly ever happened. As kids get older, they can deal with that parent directly about it and sometimes that means they allow that kid to stay home so they can go to their activity. It's painful and not fair but part of the price of divorce, unfortunately. The courts are pretty numb to these issues from what I can tell.
