My daughters father and I were never married and there is nothing in our custody and support papers that pertains to holidays. We just do it as we go. He only started getting her every other weekend consistently about a year and a half ago. In October he called and asked if he could have her on her birthday because I had always had her and he wanted to be able to take her somewhere, so I agreed. Also in the same conversation he said that he wanted her to spend the night Christmas Eve so that she could wake up at his house on Christmas morning. I said wait a minute I dont know about that. And of course he tried to give me a guilt trip about how he has never gotten to see her face on Christmas morning and everything. Ok Ok so I understand that, I'm not heartless, but I also dont want to miss out on that myself. I have been trying to figure out what to do every since then. I have come up with several scenario's but I just dont know what to do. I thought I had it worked out. This year she would go to his house on the 23-24 and be home by 7:30 on the 24th and then be with me and my husband on Christmas Eve and Day. Then next year swap up. Because I am just not prepared for it this year.
So I told my husband and he wasnt very happy with the idea. Because her father only does things when its convenient to him. For example for Fathers Day her father was at a Red Sox's game and my daughter was at his girlfriends dads house instead of with my husband whom raises her.
Another idea I had was to just say you get her on Christmas Eve and I get her on Christmas Day and that just be it.
Please can someone help? Is there anyone out there that has been though anything like this?
Hello Ladies, So here it is the 27th of December and of course I made it through one of my toughest decisions so far in raising my daughter. First I want to thank all of you that responded to my post! Each of you had so much insight and I appreciate everyone of you for taking the time to try to help me with such an important decision. I went into my conversation still not real sure what I was going to do but I was going to feel him out and see how he was going to act. If he was going to be a butt then I was going to say ok then you get her on the 23rd and the 24th and that be that and just be done with it. But I know he has a good heart and I know he loves Taylor and I really didn't want to take Christmas morning away from him. So thankfully I didn't have to, we were able to talk everything out civilly and decide how we would start doing it from now on. This Christmas Eve night and Day was spent with me and my husband and next will be with him and so goes the years. You may ask do I like this arrangement? NO!!! But my daughter loves her father and loves spending time with him. I don't want to be the one who she looks at when she gets older and says why didn't you let me spend time with him. That will be his fault not mine.
So my husband and I will continue to raise her, love her, bath her, feed her, teach her, play with her, discipline her, and all the other wonderful and not so wonderful things that parents get to do. And then on every other weekend, every other birthday, and now every other Christmas he gets to be a dad.
Thanks again to all of you wonderful mothers out there who gave me great advice I only wish I could have taken some of it!! Happy New Year.
J.
this is what i would do.. tell him if it means that much to him invite him to your house christmas morning 30 mins before she normally gets up... (as long as you all get along.) i wouldnt dare give up my time.. that's just me tho..
There HAS to be a con to not being the primary caretaker! Should we, as primary caretakers, really bend over backwards to make things better for the weekend dad/mom?
I have no doubt that her father would like to see her face on Christmas morning, but why should you give up one of the perks of being a constant in your childs life?
If it were me, I would tell him that he can make Christmas morning at his house any darn monring he chooses, but as reward for being the one who takes her to her doctors appointments, cares for her when she is sick, makes her dinner 5-6 nights a week, potty trained her, gave birth to her, changed her diapers, go to her teacher meetings, and a billion other things that you have to do, that she will be with you on Christmas morning every darn year. There HAS to be a perk for what you do and this is it! You share her on every other day of the year, but you get this one day. Tell him to deal with it the same as you have to deal with him getting her on Father's Day so he could go to game while your daughter sat with her grandfather.
If he whines that that isn't fair, ask him whoever told him life was fair?
~Take care~
My sister and I were like this when we were kids going back and forth. My parents papers spelled out their thought. Who ever had us Christmas Eve had us til 10 Christmas morning then we went to the other ones house. If you get along I wouldn't do this. I would either your house or his have her get up with both of you there. I would be alot easier for her. I remember just feeling bounce from one place to another. We got up early did Santa with one then played for a little while and had to get ready to go to the other ones for the same thing. Then we had to rush off to go see the rest of the family.
Another suggestion is one year when my mom had us Christmas Eve. (We always went to my grandfathers if we were with her that night) We would get home late and she would have it all set up so Santa had come while we were gone. That was really fun for us we really got to enjoy it better.
I dont know what will be best for yall but I hope all turns out well and yall have a wonderful Christmas.
Let him have her the 23-24. They can celebrate on Christmas eve. And Chistmas day (because the whole Santa thing) at your house. I think that would be pretty cool... 2 Christmas'!!! The Father's Day think would kinda ruin it for me... I'm sure he means well... but he can't just walk in and expect everything to be the way he wants/expects.
I agree you have to do what is right for you. This will be my second Christmas since my husband and I divorced and I know it is not easy. My immediate and extended family have always celebrated on Christmas Eve, and his family on christmas day, but the santa stuff us very important to him too. The girls wake up with me early at grandma's house and after we open presents and all of my siblings are headed off with their kids to their in-laws, they go to their dads- still pretty early in the morning. I know our situations are different, as are everyones. My kid's father is a great dad and very involved. I know what pain it would cause me to be away from them for Christmas and I could not do that to him. Follow your heart.
My children used to be in the same situation. We finally agreed to swap years. He gets even years, I get the odd years. Even though he rarely pays any support, I know he loves the kids and they love him. They know his faults on thier own but want to be with him. We have been divorced 5 years and this is my year to give them up for Christmas morning. It still hurts to not have them for the morning, but I am glad they are going to have memories that even though their parents couldn't live together, we can get along apart. Your daughter will respect you for it when she gets older. My now 12 year old told me about a week ago that he was glad I let him go to his dads to. That he misses him being around all the time, but glad that we could talk now. He hugged me and said he would say a prayer for me that morning. He is more adult than I am. He acts 40 instead of 12. LOL Good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to that goes through the same thing, you can email me at ____@____.com. I will be glad to talk to you. God knows I need it on the even years.
I feel ya! I have an ex-husband that expects everthing to just be the way he thinks it should be! how frustrating!. I spent years and years catering to him and now I just don't do it. Every decision I make regarding visitation,I think of my son first, if I feel that it is something my son would really enjoy then I make my decision based on that... never based on what my ex-husband thinks or feels. If you feel your daughter will enjoy a day with him, give him a day. I would not worry about making it really complicated...I think your right when you said he can see her on 24th and you can have her on the 25th.....just make sure she is home at a good hour on the 24th! so you get time with her too!
good luck....don't spend too much time dealing with his feelings, that is what he wants!
Dear J. P
Ok take a deep breath, this advice may not be what you wannna hear.
As a child who wen through this, I think I may have some perspective on this. My sister and I were tossed back and forth between our parents and believe me they both thought they were doing the right thing and the other was "the devil". They were both right and they were both wrong!
The truth is we loved both our parents and wanted to spend time with both of them, it always felt like out fault that they didnt get along and that arrangements had to be made around us.
Here is what I think you should consider. So many kids have no father at all present in their life. Absentee fathers are literally destroying the fabric of our country. (This is the part where you should take a deep breath) Thank God your daughter has two men in her life to love her and offer her an oppurtunity to know how to be loved by a man, nothing weird here...just making the point that girls learn how to be loved by their fathers. Now I mean literally....THANK GOD. Take a look ahead in your daughter's life, say 20 years from now..... what will she remember? How will this impact her life?
I say, let your daughter help you decide, it seems she is young, but feel her out to see how this sits with her. As for the long term....make the choice to allow her a shot a having a relationship with him. Christmas is a day, and don't get me wrong...I know it is important, but in the grand scheme of life it is a day. Love her enough to let go of the hurt he caused you and encourage a healthy relationship with him.
I am also from a split home as well. Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter! I Would think though that since as you said he really isnt involved with her, he is only there when he has "time" I would have to tell him to get over it. With her being 4 and always used to spending time with you and your husband, rather than her dad and his girlfriend. Now legality (if you had custodial paper etc.) Most states say that the child spends one holiday with the mom and one the dad. Although papers also say that the mom and dad CANNOT have over night company say his girlfriend while your child is there, unless they are married. When it comes to your child, after the way he did her fathers day when he had her I would think it best she be with you for christmas but that is just my opinion
Hi J.. I would tell him that he can come over Christmas morning if your husband allows and watch her open her gifts. My son father tried that stunt but I informed him that if he can't work something out around both of our scheduled then we would not worry about it. I feel that way because we take care of them 24/7 and if we don't do for them then it won't get done. Fathers some times are undecided and confused. they want stuff on their terms like they really do a lot for the kids. My husband does not get along with my son's father because he does do for my son but does for his other kids. My husband is a real good father he dioes not show favortism towards are kids and he does way more for my son than his biological father does. So I would tell him to come over since you and your husband are their for your daughter and that is home to her. Like the old saying go Mama's baby, daddys maybe.
If he only gets her on convenience and you and your husband have been raising her, then I would think that decision should be totally yours. I would just tell him she can stay at his house the night before Christmas Eve and then he can come over to see her Christmas morning, provided y'all get along. It wouldn't hurt to for one day even if you don't. Then again, maybe I am just weird. I have always been friends with people I have been in relatonships with.
I can talk to you from the little girl's perspective and possibly the mom's perspective. You have to look at whether or not your child is gaining anything from the situation. Unfortunately, you are in a position of hurting if she should go to her dad's place. Let her have her dad sometimes too - ONLY IF he is a good influence. He doesn't sound perfect, but is he a good father? Does he REALLY want to spend Christmas morning with her? Will she love being with him? Will she have neat memories of being with him on Christmas Eve and not be horribly sad at the difference from year's past? If you can say your daughter will benefit (not will you benefit) and improve her relationship with her father, who is a good dad, then you should probably let her be with him in the morning. You will have to trade off. I was 8 years old on my first Christmas without my dad (he wasn't even a good dad and I missed him) and we went to his place for Christmas Eve and then went home to be with my mom. If I liked him and enjoyed being with him I would have LOVED to have had memories from being with both parents. It is different, but not bad to be at a house one year and another the next. The main issue is whether you think your daughter is gaining or getting hurt from the situation. She is 4, so she is young! That is a hard decision to make and figure out how to make. I hope this helps. It's hard! I am sorry you have to make these decisions, but hang in there! Just do what your heart says, as a mother to your daughter, and you will make the right decision. It's hard to not make the dad suffer - because he should...but he is also the father of your child.
S.
I think you came up with a great plan. I mean he might not get to see her face on the 25th but I am sure her reaction to her gifts will be the same on the 24th. Sounds like he is a bit selfish and likes to fall back on the guilt trip thing. Bottom line is whats best for your little girl. Not what he wants or whats important to him.
I went through this with my son and I hate to tell you but, if you swap out Christmas', your child will be very confused about Santa and whatever traditions you may have. She has been with you every year and you said that he only started consistently visiting with her recently. I know it seems heartless to not let him have her on for Santa but I strongly believe that a child shouldn't be swapped around on such a big holiday. She needs traditions and things like that. I think what you have thought out, letting him have her 23-24 and back by 7, is fair enough. Just talk with him and tell him that he doesn't need to be "santa." I don't know what type of relationship you still have but another thing you could try is to let him come over early on Christmas morning and see her getting Santa. In the end, that is what he truly wants is to be able to experience that with her while she is still little and believes. If he only does things at his convienence, the that would probably make him pretty uncomfortable and if he had the guts to show up, I'm sure 1 time is all it would take. The first time she runs to your husband, the man who has raised her, instead of him to show off a new toy, his pride will be broken. Sounds mean, I know but I've been there with a "father of convienence." I have no sympathy for them at all.
I know this doesn't help you right this very moment, but if you want things to be easier in the future, you need to have your parenting plan updated. I just finished a court battle with my ex, and EVERYTHING is detailed in that parenting plan. Down to how many days the father gets him during the summer. You need a parenting plan that tells the two of you what to do, rather than leaving it up to you to battle out. My ex and I started out the first few years just deciding things between ourselves and being adults about the situation.......but things change. He's married to a very demanding and controlling woman now and she wanted to contol me as well and that didn't fly. So now the parenting plan is in place, it's COURT ORDERED, and if he strays from it in the least, I will file a contempt charge against him. I've done it in the past, and will do it again. Baby's fathers do NOT run things, they only like to pretend like they do. Good luck!
