Should I Say Something to My Husband About His Parenting Style?

I would talk to him about only asking if it is ok if the answer is no. If he is going to do what he wants/needs either way he should not ask because it is just setting it up for a fight.

The phrase I wold suggest to your hubby is "I would be glad to____ after I _____".

I agree that giving kids choices is good, but when I give choices I have to make sure that both choices are acceptable to me. And if they choose something else, I repeat the same question and say you can choose one of these or I will choose.

I would, I'm 53 and I have seen the results of how children turn out when they grow up thinking they are in charge, it's not pretty when they get older. An adult asking permission from a child is reversing the rolls and authority. This should not be discussed in the presence of your son, your husband is still learning how to be a father, and it sounds like he is trying to hard to be a good father. Talk to him in a very loving manner. J.

Your husband's way of doing things is not doing your child any harm. It ain't broke, so don't try to fix it.

It sounds like your husband is very kind and patient with your son. I love that! Perhaps the two of you can talk privately, after son is in bed, about this. I would caution you about correcting your husband, even in a whisper, in front of your son. It undermines him even further. Ask your husband what his true desire is. If, for example, he is hungry and *wants* to eat, but asks son if it is okay to eat first, then what is your husband's expectation? Does he truly want the son to rule the roost? You might suggest that Dad say something like, "Why don't you come chat with me while I eat dinner. Then, when I'm done, we can play." It is still engaging the son, but the father is setting the pace.
I also love it that you are mindful of the influence and tone you set in your house. It sounds like you are wanting to build up your house, rather than tear it down. Kudos to you!

.

IMO, your husbands style is not wrong, just different. It's his way of showing your son that he cares about his little feelings and wants to include him in the decisions that he makes. NOT WRONG JUST DIFFERENT! When your husband sees that it's becoming a problem, he will stop doing it, otherwise I would just leave it alone.
BTW, now that I think about it my husband does the same with our kids and it never bothered me, I never even noticed until now!

It's annoying, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. So long as your husband doesn't always do what the child gives him permission for.... your husband knows his needs better than the child, helping teach the child to be sensitive to another's needs is what should be happening here.

"Dad, let's go play racecars!"
"Can I finish eating first?"
"No!"
"Well, I'm very hungry and don't want my food to get cold, so let me finish dinner first and then I'll come play."

Really, it would be a shame if this continued into the teen years and your husband doesn't learn to take at least a little bit of control. Otherwise, I think it's pretty cute.

I honestly don't see him asking permission.
It's more of trying to get your child to look at the bigger picture that there are more people than just him in the world.
kind of a " Can't you see I'm walkin here?"
What matters is how he responds after your son says "no"
Does he put his food down and go play or does he tell him that he is hungry and will come play when he is done?
If it's the first then yeah you need to say something,if not then don't worry about it, He's basically doing what you are only in a different way.

If you think it will bother him, instead of giving direct advise Tell him a story about the poor mom or moms on the playground who always seem to be asking permission from their kids rather than being the parent and saying "We're leaving in five minutes.....We're leaving now." Some are starting to not want to take the kids to the playground cuz it's so hard to leave and your dying to help by advising but you dont know them that well and what does he think? should you give "Jane" some advise? Leave it alone for a couple weeks and then if you hear him, giggle and say Oh for just a minute you sounded like Jane I havent seen her lately at the playground. Or what works for me pick up a book on How to talk to kids and say Oh this sounds interesting and read a paragraph aloud. that way it's not coming from you.... Silly, but my DH has a fragile ego.

I would ask him WHY he does it and go from there with the conversation.

I totally agree with you. He's setting himself and your son up for an unnecessary power struggle. There's no reason to "ask" if it's ok to do whatever he needs to do. That doesn't accomplish anything. Sure, give your son choices where either choice is an acceptable one. For example, "Son, would you rather have your bath first, then play a game with Dad, or play the game with Dad, then have your bath?" But there is no good reason to ask his permission to do something that you have every intention to do or something that NEEDS done (i.e. the bathroom), as you husband seems to do.

I'd gently talk with him about this (no criticizing, just talking) and see if he can tell you his reasoning for doing this, or if it's just habit. And I'd try to explain to him how he's setting your son, and himself, for frustration...

And if somehow you can make it seem like it's HIS idea to change this one little thing... ok, not that we EVER deceive our husband's, but sometimes, if they think it was THEIR idea, well, you know where I'm going with this... ;)

I don't know, in terms of things he could be doing wrong, this is pretty mild. And kind of sweet. I don't think it means your son will get out of control when he's a teen. I think you should let it go.

Rather than "correct" him when he says something like that, maybe you could talk to him some time after your son is gone to bed. Just tell him that you have noticed that he seems to have gotten into the habit of "asking" your son about what is going to happen sometimes. Not always, but a lot. And then other times, when he doesn't ask (the bathroom incident?) your son can't handle being told "no". He probably doesn't even realize his word choices.. he's a man. They don't usually go around considering all the different ways of saying something or parenting.. they just... DO.

Say, "hey, I know you probably don't even realize this, but when __ tells you he wants you to do something, a lot of the time you ask him if you can do something first. I've found that it works better if I just TELL him what I am going to do." You don't have to get into comparisons of how you do it or whatever.. just voice your observation about what HE says.

You're right, though. It gives your son not only perceived control of the situation, where really, he has none, but it is more responsibility than he can handle. Maybe he only "asks" when he doesn't really care one way or the other.. or is weak and not sure he is up to dealing with a tantrum if he says "you have to wait"... or feels guilty for making him wait when he's been gone all day. But, if he breaks the habit now, things will be much smoother for everyone, both now and later. It's perfectly ok for him to tell your son, "I need to think about that for a minute before I decide." For some reason, realizing that it was okay to tell my kids "I have to think about that" took me awhile. I always felt like I had to have an immediate answer when they asked me something. Maybe he just hasn't made that realization yet...

I think you should prepare your son for these situations like' Daddy is home from work yeah! But he is going to eat dinner first' and when your son says no or daddy starts asking permission, perhaps pick him up and distract him for the moment and tell him daddy is not asking you, he is letting you know.

Well I can see both sides, it's good that you both are consistant with the big things like discipline and routine, but your husband will learn the hard way, as I am right now, that he is setting himself up to be walked all over. It's ok sometimes, but as you know, your child doesn't call the shots! Maybe suggest to him not to always give your son the option. Somethings are not negotiable! I am sure he just doesn't want to feel like he is being mean, but kids need boundaries!
Good Luck!

Updated

Well I can see both sides, it's good that both are consistant with the big things like discipline and routine, but you husband will learn the hard way, as I am right now, that he is setting himself up to be walked all over. It's ok sometimes, but as you know, your child doesn't call the shots! Maybe suggest to him, I am sure he just doesn't want to feel like he is being mean, but kids need boundaries!
Good Luck!

I think the next time he does this I would just chuckle and ask "hun, why do you ask his permission to go to the bathroom first, when you know you need to go before you play?" See what he says. He may not realize that he may actually be confusing your son (listening when he says "no" sometimes, but not at other times). Suggest that he say "Hold on a few minutes while I go to the bathroom first, then we will play!"

I don't think it hurts to put in your two cents. Sometimes people have habits they don't even realize they are doing.

I don't think there is anything wrong with working as a team with parenting. And in this case it means pointing out something that might work better. Just make sure you do it in a nice gentle way and not in front of your son.

My husband tends to yell a lot, which only escalates problems in my eyes. (Not to say I've never yelled) I told him one day, you know honey, if you tried to keep calm and not yell so much you'll probably notice it works better. Yelling only gets them more worked up. And believe me I know I'm not perfect at it, but I try to keep my cool for as long as I can. Do you know he actually took my advice and is doing a lot better.

I see pro's and con's... to me it is showig your son how he can politely ask if he can do something first before what ever you ask him something else. How we talk to our kids is how they will talk to us. Now sometimes we do need to be a little more firm, that he needs to brush his teeth now, not later, your the parent. But when he is in his teens, would you rather him ask, hey mom is it ok it I finish watching a program than I can take out the trash (as long as he remembers) not telling you?? pick battles and learn how to make exceptions.... your son will appreciate that you are willing to talk about compromise, not that he will win but you will listen to his reasons and concerns....
Good luck!

Hi L.
Sounds like you've already mentioned it to him and he still chooses to continue his response style to your son. Since your son responds well to you when you 'tell' him rather than ask him, I wouldn't worry about it. Sooner or later your husband will figure out that he is making life more difficult for himself, needlessly!
My kids are older, and I've learned over the years that things like this are not a big deal (atleast for us, they weren't). Your son understands how to get what he wants from daddy, but that it doesn't work for mommy. Doesn't sound like a 'monster in the making' to me, at all! Good luck and take care :-)

It's funny because I do what your husband does and my husband yells at me about it all the time. We don't do it on purpose, it's just the way we speak. I understand how this can sometimes cause problems with young children because it seems like you're really giving them power over you by asking the question that way. But it also means relearning the way we speak to people - which isn't easy. And 5 year olds don't really have much empathy when they want something. I understand your frustration. I guess if you keep reminding your husband in a nice way rather than nagging about it he'll start remembering not to speak that way to your son.

Hope this helps.

I totally feel your pain!!! My husband is this walking, talking playground for my 2 boys (ages 3 and 4-1/2). The flaws don't stop there. He is unable to take a serious tone when he means what he's saying, so when the kids continue to play, then he gets mad at them. Ugh...
I gently correct now and then, both him and the children, but the way I look at it is this, the world is filled with different types of people & I look at it as a better rounded learning experience for the kids. They get stability, consistency & routine from me...I would never let them climb me or hit me or call me silly potty-mouth names (like "underpants", nothing raunchy) and they don't try it with me, but they do all of that with my husband. It rubs me the wrong way but I like to think that dealing with our different personalities may help them later, somehow.

I hope I'm not wrong. LOL!