Should I Let My Daughter Try Out When I Know She Won't Make It?

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!!

You let her try out. It's OKAY if she fails. She can learn where she needs to improve.

She has to learn this. She doesn't get a trophy for participation. She needs to EARN IT.

Yes, let her try out. Have a talk to her before the tryout about doing her best and staying focused, but also letting her know that she might not make it even if she tries her hardest. In the meantime, get her signed up for the rec league (like AYSO) so she can still play, even if she can't get on this team.

I'd let her try out, and I'd be reasonably and truthfully encouraging. I wouldn't say things like "oh, go for it, honey! You'll do great!" But I'd say something like "it's always worth trying to achieve something you're interested in. Make sure to take your coach's advice carefully. Do your best!"

And I'd resist giving her any soccer advice, unless of course, you're a former soccer star. You do the mom thing, which is giving a hug, and giving her basic life advice (listen, respect her teammates, practice, etc; skills that any adult would know even if they know nothing about a particular sport). Don't say anything technical, like "if you had [done some soccer move or some particular soccer procedure], you might have made it." If she complains that she didn't make the team, and asks why, or complains that the coach is unfair, or anything like that, encourage her to ask the coach politely what she can work on for next year. Help her practice approaching the coach in a helpful way. "Coach, I really enjoy soccer, and I wonder if you'd tell me how I need to improve, and what I need to do in order to make the team."

I think that trying for something can be as valuable in life as succeeding in something.

My kid did community theater, not sports. I allowed her to audition for every show she was interested in, even if I knew that her chances of getting cast were slim to none. Sometimes she got cast when I didn't think she would. And sometimes a part that she really wanted went to someone else.
Was she disappointed when she didn't get cast? Sure.
The first time she didn't get cast, she cried. A lot. And then she had to make a decision. Did not getting cast hurt badly enough that she never wanted to audition again? Or did she want to do theater badly enough to polish her skills and go out for the next show? She decided that she wanted to do this and became one hell of an actor.

I'd let her try out.

I think that part of the value of competition is learning to lose graciously. I think that there's value in just trying, and then being able to walk away with your head held high knowing that you did your best. As her mother, you can help her learn these life skills.

I appreciate that you're trying to keep her from being hurt. But do you want to be the mom that says 'You're not good enough, so don't even try." Or the Mom that says "Great! It will be tough, but I know you'll do your best and I can't wait to watch you?"

Of course let her try out if she want to.

Trying out is a learning experience. It's good for children to experience the ups and downs of try outs.

She'll be ok either way with your support!

Yes, let her try out if she wants to. Tell her if she does not get in (not everyone does) that you will sign her up for a rec league. My daughter does recreation league soccer and loves it. Anyone who signs up can play. You have 2 practices a week and then a game on either friday or saturday. You daughter will enjoy it and she can get better at soccer this way.

Sure.
Just trying out is good for her no matter whether she makes it or not.
In band, everyone is encouraged to audition for all district band.
Sometimes you make it and sometimes you don't - but the more often you try, the fewer jitters you have and the more use to it you get.
Maybe she won't make it this year.
Next year - who knows?

Yes.

First of all, kids have to fail sometimes - and I say that in the sense of "not making the team." But she won't fail at trying something - she will succeed at taking a risk and giving it her best. You can prep her - gently - by asking her why she wants to try out, what she thinks the coach is looking for, and how she plans to prepare. Trying out will show the coach that she is motivated and interested.

Kids must must MUST learn to deal with disappointment, to lose graciously, and to congratulate the winners. Resist the urge to analyze why she isn't accepted! You cannot help her by pointing out all her shortcomings - it may be true, but it will set her up to pick out all her faults in everything she does. And you gain nothing by telling a kid she isn't capable.

You can mildly help her through any disappointment by asking her how she could improve the next time, but don't belabor the point. Not everyone makes the team, not everyone gets invited to every party, not everyone gets into the lottery-only high school, not everyone gets into every college they apply to. Everyone can learn from every disappointment.

We live in an era of either "everyone gets a trophy" or "everyone has to be the best at age 4 because colleges will be looking." There's a happy medium.

When you get to the point where there is a fee for stuff, then there has to be some picking and choosing and setting of priorities. For now, let her try out.

There are many valuable lessons to be gained from failure.

And many MANY valuable lessons to be gained from mom learning that her assumptions were wrong - she might actually do well in the try outs!

Let her try out.

Adding:

I am thinking more about what you describe - "annoys the coach", the coach spends a noticeable (to you, at least) amount of time calling her out about lack of participation etc. Have you spoken to the coach about this? Is it possible that there is a personality clash between the coach and your daughter, and your daughter would be more successful with a different coach?

If this situation was with a teacher, you would have a parent-teacher conference and possibly try to change teachers if things got really bad. Maybe you should do something similar with the coach?

Of course you let her, and you never know she may surprise you. My kids have tried out for things and not made it which has helped them learn that disappointment is part of life. On the other hand none of us parents thought our son's team was ready for the big robotics competition and they took first. You just never know until you try.

Sure.

I tried out for soccer in middle school and didn't make it. I was a sensitive kid, but it didn't bug me. I knew I wasn't as good as others (had just started). It seemed reasonable.

Sometimes you have to try and learn that you're not quite good enough. Nothing wrong with that. If she loves soccer, is there a league she can play in that's more recreational? That's what we did with our kids in sports where they enjoyed it, but weren't competitive material.

Of course you do. The last thing any kid needs is a parent who doesn't believe they have any potential at what they want to try to do. The job is not to protect her from failure, but to encourage her to keep trying despite the possibility.

Absolutely let her try out. Ask her what are her strengths and weaknesses and encourage her to practice and work on those weaknesses, work with her for some bonding and encouragement time. Maybe have her watch other teams play so she can see other peoples strengths and mistakes and see how she can improve, have her watch a game on youtube. Use this as a teaching moment to encourage her to work hard at her interests and even if she doesn't make it, you would be proud of her for giving it her all.

Yes, let her try out.

You did not mention her age, so I am picturing middle school or older.

Yes, please do. It is better that she learns now to be ambitious and try things out left and right, than to be a quitter. Besides, the more you apply, the higher your odds of getting what you want. You increase your chances, like you would if you apply to 8 colleges versus 1. Then, when you do get picked for several, your self-esteem gets a boost because all these colleges found you desirable and now YOU get to pick and choose where you want to attend. It's no different. Learn not to put all your eggs in one basket.

Do you want her to not apply to a job in the future because she doesn't feel good enough, or do you want her to have a positive "go-for-it" type of attitude and not give up no matter what? It will also teach her not to fear anything in the future, to give her best, that her best is good enough, and will teach her how to deal with disappointment. The more you experience disappointment, the less it ends up bothering you. You end up learning it is a fact of life, try or practice harder, and sign up to other activities. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, as they say.

Who knows, she may end up surprising you and making the team. My daughter wanted to participate in a piano recital. Her teacher invited her, and her grandmother fed her all this fear about all these kids and parents being there watching, and how nervous it will make her, how stress is bad for her health, and how they should decline. She eventually convinced my daughter, even though I kept telling my daughter that for the teacher to tell her she is recital material must mean she thought she was pretty good at it and would put on a good performance. I am very mad that she discouraged and put fear into my daughter. My daughter loves piano and I fear that these negative comments will discourage her and make her feel unworthy or afraid of playing in the future. Please don't be that type of person.

Of COURSE you let her try out! It's so unhealthy the way our generation of parents always protects our kids from disappointment. It disables them.

Absolutely let her try out, she may not make it, but she certainly won't make the team if she doesn't try out. It's important to learn how to cope with failure and disappointment, just as it is to learn to learn how to succeed with humility and graciousness. And btw, are you interpreting the coach's comments as being annoyed or is he/she is doing his/her job --- coaching and teaching?

Most certainly!! This is a life lesson. She needs to experience trying for things and NOT getting them.

My son tried out for his high school soccer team - he made the first and second round cuts but did not make the 3rd round. There were 8 people trying out for goalie. they only had 3 slots. He was #4. It was tough - but he's playing in our house league and working on skills. We have a personal trainer for him (we're excited that the goalie from DC United is going to train him!) and hopefully, he'll learn a lot from him and get even better!

If she wants something - she MUST work hard for it - it can't be given to her with out trying!

Tell her to try her best. Let her know that not everyone makes it and if she doesn't? There's always next time.

Here's my first thought.

If she's 13 then I'd let her try out but be prepared to not make it and have alternative plans for her time. If she's already on a team then why does she have to try out again?

If she's 5-10 then for goodness sake, why are they having try outs for anything? We have over 70 teams for kids starting at age 4 and going through high school.

If she's young then she's still learning. It's good for her to have someone besides mom and dad telling her what to do. She needs you to let the coach be her boss when she's playing. That way she focuses on them and not the people in the stands yelling at her.

I have not read any comments but yes let her tryout. First u don't want her to regret not doing it and two resent you for not letting her try and supporting and loving her. It will be the coaches choice if she doesn't make it, not yours. But u do need to give her the best and worst case scenario. U need to make sure that she if makes the team she is committed to the team , to trying her best o listening to the coach etc and that is her part. Also explain what if she doesn't make the team and how that can happen et. And if after your talk she understands then I'd let her try out. This is part of life lessons whatever she is good at or interested in she may not always make it. And learning life's ups and downs is important