Should I Leave My Fiance?

I wouldn't marry him, but I didn't get married until I was older and met a man that was an actual grown up.

If it looks like a snake....it is a snake. He went out to a party with a "girl" friend????? He party's and spends the night with her????? He lies to his grandma for money????? He smokes weed and plays Wii all day??? He has to be forced to enjoy the new love of his life?????

Do you seriously need to take a poll on Mamapedia for you to know what to do here??

Is he also seeing himself as a "(potential) husband and father" or is it just you? It sounds to me like you have been making all the decisions without his input. Was there ever a point where he looked like somebody you should live with, have a baby with, combine finances and other legal things with? If not, why should he change? You can only have a legitimate expectation if he has shown you that he is moving in that direction. It makes good sense to hold off on the life-changing events (having a baby, getting married) until you've seen progress in the areas that are important to you. If you choose to ignore the signs that are really more blatant than signs, then you are begging for disappointment.

I suffered through a marriage to a man who did (and didn't do) the things your fiance does (and doesn't do) for 13 years. Nothing ever got better; some things got worse. When he began taking out his juvenile tempers on our 8yo daughter, I realized it was time to get out before she was scarred forever.

As it was, she dated, and nearly married, a few men who were as immature and selfish as her father before she found a wonderful mate. That was a huge worry for me, and I felt deep guilt for that early conditioning to which I had exposed her.

So be kind to yourself and your child. Change in a marriage seldom happens in a good direction, and all too often goes the other way. Women eternally hope/believe that their love will prompt the man to change. It doesn't.

The good news is that I married again, 31 years ago, to a man who is truly loving and responsible. And my daughter found a man who is wonderful, too, responsible, caring, and a fabulous father. I wish the same for you.

You'll find many reasons to stay with your fiance; hope, loneliness, family dreams, worry about your financial future alone. You'll stay until you can't bear it any longer. You'll learn the lessons you need to learn. I hope that's closer to 13 days than the 13 years I endured. Please keep in mind and heart that this is about your daughter, too.

Motherhood often forces women to grow up faster than men.
If you hadn't had your child you'd be right out there with him.
Now you have a baby depending on you and you are ready to settle down and raise your family.
He's not ready.
He see's no reason why a child should interfere with partying with his buddies.
And he may not be ready for a very long time.
Some guys tire of the party scene in their late 20's or early 30's (although some never outgrow it).
You and he are growing apart (or you are growing up and he isn't).
Talk to a women's shelter and plan your escape.
It's not your job to raise him, just your daughter.

Go back to work! Take your savings and get your own place or kick him out of that place. Go to court and get custody and child support arrangements made. You're living like a single mom, you might as well make it official. If you move out or kick him out it's possible that might wake him up, but I doubt it. I wouldn't allow a druggie around my daughter. You might try for supervised visitation based on his drug use. Good luck.

What are his redeeming qualities that led u to be w him and have a baby? I don't see why you would marry him and continue this life.

Him going out late one night: Not an issue.

Everything else you list? Big issues.

He will not become a drug-free, hard-working, helpful-around-the-house, ambitious, good salary earning, loving and attentive caregiver for your daughter AFTER you get married. All of his behavior will get worse after you get married.

Find a way to get yourself independent of his grandmother's money so you can move on with your life. If you REALLY need him right now because you're broke, then don't even BOTHER trying to make him behave like a man. Grin, bear it, and start planning your exit. This is not the man you want your daughter to see her mother with as she gets older. For her own good and yours.

Trying to make him behave the way you want him to will be 100% futile. Don't even waste any effort on that. You need to act on behalf of yourself and your child to free yourself.

Ditto, Nicole G.

If you marry this man, you will be asking this question in the future...but you'll be a wife. An unhappy, stuck, single mother wife, with a dead beat bachelor husband.

Yes, cut your losses short at this point... I would NEVER become engaged or marry a person who did show affection/love towards my son...TOTAL and absolute deal breaker for me...

move on now.. ALL the red flags are there.. marrying will only make matters worse (they never help the situation) and yet so many marry even though all signs point to don't do it !!!! So far you've said your BF is lazy, smokes weed, doesn't help around the house, disregards your child (that in and of itself is enough for me to leave) .... lose the dead weight... get out now. your daughter deserves so much better and don't you???

so the thing is this. either you put your foot down, give him an ultimatum, tell him EXACTLY what you need him to do and give him a chance to do it - or you leave.

i chose the former. and luckily, our love was strong enough that we made it through. i loved him enough to lay on the "tough love" and finish raising him - he loved me enough to grow the heck up already. but it doesn't always work that way.

just remember that he can't read minds. men don't bond as easily with babies as we do. and if he doesn't know what you want- you can't fault him for not giving it to you.

either he's worth the effort, or he's not. we can't answer that. if you have already been honest with him, showed him and told him exactly what you expect, and he is deliberately not doing it - well then, that's a different story. all i see is you complaining about him. so the backstory matters in this case.

(ETA because obviously everyone is crucifying this guy - i only play devils advocate because #1, i have seen men change. not often but i've seen it. and #2 - you spend the entire post saying "he did", "he does" etc etc. not one word about how you have actually tried to deal with this - all you say is that you "hoped" he would change. hoping does nothing. expecting Mr. Perfect to magically appear after you kick this guy to the curb, isn't going to do it either. you are in charge of your own life and yes, people will treat you how you let them treat you. but the next guy won't be any better if you don't figure out how to communicate, and work WITH that person rather than just crucifying them when they may not know any better. IF you love this guy and he loves you, there is hope. but it's always easier to just "kick 'em to the curb". that's how this society works nowadays, i know.)

what exactly did you find attractive about him in the first place? If fatherhood hasn't encouraged him to elevate himself, and be a better person-then nothing will. Cut your losses and move on. Start thinking better of yourself and find a guy who works hard and will treasure you and your little girl.

Imagine you are your best friend.. Now go back and read this post as though she was asking you "what should I do?"

You can also ask yourself .. "What does our daughter deserve?"

Follow your heart and your brain.. They will guide you.. and then No regrets.

Wow, he sounds like a real winner...sarcasm intended. You obviously sound unhappy with the way things are....I would be livid myself. This is your life now...If you are unhappy with the way things are, then DO NOT marry this man. It sounds like he is just fine and dandy with the way things are... If you are going to have to do everything yourself, then you might as well not have an extra weight attached to you.

Go get a job and a lawyer.

Oh brother.
Getting pregnant and having a kid does not make a man a husband or a father.
Hopefully you have learned your lesson and next time will do things in reverse,
find a real man with a real job, set up a stable home, get married, put some money away and THEN have a child.
Honestly, what were you expecting, are you like 12 years old?

If someone told you this story, what would you tell them? He is mooching off of you. This will only get worse. You can't change him. Your daughter deserves better.

No matter how you put your foot down, this guy is just a "nothing", SL. Cut your losses. If you are spinning your wheels with this guy, you aren't able to meet someone else of substance.

The going to a party doesn't actually bother me that much. It's all the rest. Once I read about all the rest, I understood why you were so upset.

You have to ask yourself WHY you would bother to marry a man who can't keep a job. WHY you would marry a guy who only sits around smoking pot and just playing games. WHY you'd marry a guy who sponges off his grandmother.

You don't mention that you work outside the home. If you do, then you're carrying all the burden. If you don't, then he surely sees the housework as your job.

Please just go. It's so easy to walk away from an engagement rather than a marriage.

People show you who they are by their past actions. If you want to spend your life with a lazy, jobless, weed smoking partner who doesn't provide any love to your daughter then you should definately stay with him.

On the other hand, if you want to partner with someone who shows you love, respect and the ability to hold down a job move on. The male in your daughter's life will be her role model - so choose the kind of man that you want your daughter to look up to and who has qualities that you would want in the man that your daughter will want to date, marry in the future.

Imagine your daughter in 20 years was asking you this question. What would you tell your daughter to do? Whatever you would tell her...do that. Good luck. He sounds like he has a lot to learn about life.

Ugh. That sounds rough. The fact that he went out isn't terrible, but sounds like you are fed up with him in general so this was just the cherry on top.

You need to TELL him specifically what is bothering you but try not to do it in an angry accusatory, overall "you suck", kinda way because then he will get defensive. Start with the major things like getting a steady job, and helping with some housework. Be specific like, I would really appreciate it if you could do the dishes on Monday and Thursday, this would really take some pressure off me. Help him look for work. I know you are not his mother but if you love him and want to make it work then it might be worthwhile to push him.

One thing I've learned from marriage is that men do not read minds, or body language, or pickup on subtle clues. They need to be told things outright, in plain English, like whacking them over the head! If you stomp around angrily because you're pissed that he went out instead of doing the dishes, he will just think you're PMS'ing and go back to watching TV. He will not put 2 and 2 together.

As far as bonding with your daughter, this could take some time. I found with my own husband and my sisters husband that some men just don't have much in common with babies and are not terribly interested in hanging out with them, even when they love them. I remember feeling the same way as you when my daughter was a baby. I would give him the baby to hold and 30 seconds later he put her down somewhere. He didn't want to snuggle her or gush over how cute she was. She's 5 now and she has a special bond with her daddy. My husband is great with kids, just not with babies.

Have a talk with him, tell him how you feel, don't assume that he knows. And don't let it build up until you explode. If you think he's worth it, give him a chance to redeem himself. Give him a gentle nudge (maybe a firm one). He needs to get his act together.

Good luck with everything.

I agree with the some of the responses...Just for a minute, pretend that your best girlfriend wrote out this post. What would you tell her to do?

Some men do not know how to hold and care for a baby.
I agree with that.

Does he ever ask you to go out? Could you get a sitter a few times a month?

If he is better, why isn't he looking for a job?

Let's say that you marry him this summer, things will not change all that much ! Does he want to get married or do you want to get married because he is the baby's father?

Please go to a counselor or a marriage and family therapist BEFORE you set a wedding date. Sometimes, city or town counselors can charge based on a sliding scale. Since there isn't any income coming in, maybe
you can go to counseling for free.

He wants to play video games, stay home, eat and leave dishes around, smoke weed, go out w/ his buddies and (from what you have said) is not even attempting to look for a job. ***If your best friend was looking for a husband, would you rec a guy like yours?

I am curious. How old is he?

Listen to all the great advice you have been given here. Marriage will not change him, nothing will really change him unless he wants to. I would suggest you do not raise your baby around someone who uses drugs. You sound like you care for your baby, you have become a mother and will do anything for that little girl. Get out before you things get more complicated, time will not change him. You have your life ahead and can move on with your life and your daughter.

OMG, I am so glad that you are only engaged and not actually married to this man. Sorry, but unless he can grow up VERY quickly and put aside all these little boy things, especially smoking weed , and get and hold a job, I see absolutely no future for you.

I won't tell you to leave him right away, but don't start making any wedding plans. Go with him to counseling. If he doesn't want to go, well, he's making the choice that you and your daughter are not worth investing in.

On the one hand I am so sorry for you, but then again, you won't have to go through a messy divorce since you're not married right now.

Do you have anyone you can stay with if he refuses to get help? Family or friends? It might be a good time to start exploring those options.

I doubt he had a flat tire, sounds like a lame excuse to stay out all night. Are you sure he is faithful to you? I would think long and hard before marrying someone who would lie to me just so he could stay out and act like he is a 18 year old kid rather then a father. Maybe you two should consider some counseling before walking down the isle?

I'm sorry... WHY do you want to be with this guy?? Per your description, he sounds like a complete loser.

Some people are just not "baby" people. I don't really care to sit and coo at a baby. I'd rather lay them down on their tummy and let them do tummy time while I go about my business. They need to be down doing stuff or they won't develop right. So he could always put her down and let her play when you need him to take care of her for a while. You could also just wait until she's taking a nap until you take a shower or do other stuff.

That said. How he holds the baby or not hold the baby is not important. He may not find baby's appealing. He may find older kids a better match for his personality. He may have also been raised in a matriarchal lifestyle where the women do all care giving to the kids and other family members.

You're mad because he went out with his friends and had some fun. It really sounds like you need to get a babysitter and go with him a few times. Being stuck at home, even by your own choice, is not always fun.

You guys need to spend some time together without the baby to reconnect. If you don't you won't find that love that brought you together in the first place.

Your baby will do just fine without you for a few hours.

I'm responding without even reading the body of your message.

If you have to ask, "Should I leave?" the answer is Yes.

Why would you stay? Try listing all the reasons to stay and compare that list with all of the reasons, some of which you've listed here, for leaving. Unless there are many more reasons to stay then I'd leave.

It sounds like the two of you do not have the same expectations for your life together. It might help to have couples or premarital counseling to see if the two of you can reach an agreement about what life together would look like. If so, then stay together but if not, then, of course, leave. You do not want to spend the rest of your life like this. Coming to an agreement will take time and lots of hard work. Are you willing to do the work? Is he?

He is behaving this way because you are allowing him to. First you need to sit him down and tell him that if he wants to marry you then he needs to do x, y, z. If he doesn't follow through then it's fair to leave him. But in all honestly, even mature men do not find infants fun or interesting. As for house cleaning, a lot of men see that as women's work. Men do not just instantly grow up because a child is placed in front of them. Why? Because they did not have to endure pregnancy, give birth, breastfeed, lose sleep, etc. Change is gradual, and it generally takes longer for men. Those are the facts of life. I know many grown men who work but still play video games, hang out with their boys, and expect their woman to do everything house and kid related. In the end it's up to you to decide what you want and are willing to put up with.

He sounds like more work than a child! You deserve better, and so does your child. Remember, children tend to model after their parents.

Good luck in deciding to better yourself and leave him behind.

Yes.

The best predictor of future behavior IS past behavior. Choose wisely.

If you marry him now that means that you are okay with and actually expect him to behave like this as a husband.
Do you?
Doesn't sound like it.
What do you do? you move on!!! There's plenty of other men out there who will love you AND your daughter.

He is not ready to get married. The 2 of you are in completely different stages in life. You are ready to be settled down and to care for your child with all your heart. He is not there yet and the 2 of you will only grow increasingly resentful of each other. He will resent you for trying to force him to grow up when he doesn't want to and you will resent him because of all the reasons you have outlined.

You don't need to leave him yet, but insist that the 2 of you attend pre-marriage counseling sessions together, either with your church if you have one or with a relationship coach/therapist. If he refuses, you need to leave asap. There would be no point in staying if he shows no interest in improving the relationship and planning for your lives together.

To answer you question: I don't know.

I don't know you or your fiancée.

I do know this: Men don't change after the wedding ceremony.

That's why women need to be VERY picky when selecting a mate.

Good luck!

How old are you guys? Was he always like this? Was the child planned?
In any event, if having a child didn't make him "man up", then I truly believe nothing will. He sounds of poor character, and you can't really change that about a person.

What would I do? Well, first off, I wouldn't be caught up with a kid with a guy like that, BUT, I think you're going to need to give up on the SAHM dream for now, and look for employment, so you can take care of your child and kick him him the curb. If he didn't absolutely fall in love with his baby (and you again) after she was born, then I don't think it's going to happen.

2 things:
Men don’t change because we want them too and they tend to get worse. I he didn’t change on his own will after an event like the birth of your daughter, he probably won’t.
AND… if you settle with what you have, you deserve what you get.
Good luck and God bless you and your daughter.

You have your hands full with your daughter, I know he is the father but doesn't seem like he's a father figure for your daughter. Your dealing with this now, wait till later. Get out while you can!!

Updated

You have your hands full with your daughter, I know he is the father but doesn't seem like he's a father figure for your daughter. Your dealing with this now, wait till later. Get out while you can!!

You poor thing! Yes, please do leave him. You deserve someone who cares for you and your daughter more than he cares for himself. Good luck!

I can tell you right now, it won't improve. Especially considering the fact that he'd much rather hang out with friends and smoke weed. He has no motivation to work, he has no motivation to take care of his own child let alone the tiny family you've tried to create (you, him, and your child). He's taking money from someone else to make ends meet.

You do literally everything. He's not even bonding with his own daughter. If your description throughout your post is accurate... if he would agree about what you've written... I would kick him out and have the landlord change the locks ASAP. I would also file ASAP for custody and child support to get it all on record.

doesnt look that he any help to you... i think yes, u better off without him. may separation will open his eyes on things, who knows, but u dont need anithing negative in ur life. good luck

With all due respect, if he was like this before you had a kid, what reason does he have to change? Moms most always have a deeper connection with their children and rearrange their lives for them. Most men, on the other hand do not have this connection with them. Even my husband who is a great father doesn't have the same kind of connection with our kids. It's a hard wiring thing and we were created differently. I think it balances our intensity with their "laid-back" nature. Here's the rub, it sounds like your fiancé is not ready to grow up or hasn't been given a reason (in his opinion) to grow up, despite having a kid. Encourage him to grow up by speaking positive words over him. Even if you don't think he does, tell him what a great father he is (hey, he is right? He could have high tailed it the minute you uttered the words "I'm pregnant!). Most men thrive with positive reinforcement and retreat and give up with negativity. Change the way you react and see if that doesn't change him for the better. Stick with it, it might take some time for him to realize you're genuine with your praise. I wish you the best!

Well, I was going to say that disinterest in your daughter could be chalked up to the fact that she is only 4 mos old. A lot of guys don't really become interested in the kids until the kids are old enough to actually interact with them. And then their interest comes and goes; about the time the child can really play with them (ride bikes, etc.) some men just aren't interested and consider that mom is the only parent that the child REALLY needs.

But his lack of working is something else altogether. I would not put up with that. I would give him a deadline by which he must be employed full-time or move. Of course, that leaves you and baby out in the cold since it doesn't appear that you have an income either.

I would change that (get a job) and then make the ultimatum.