I have a friend that I don't talk with much anymore. A few years ago I hung out with her and her husband a lot and we were all really close. Now her and her husband are divorced and have been for a couple years. She is seeing someone. Anyway, I saw her husband on match.com and sent him a message saying hi. Him and I have been talking and he wants to go out. I am not sure how I feel about it because she is my friend still. Also I know some of the bad things about him and how he can be. The divorce was amicable and they are friends are communicate. I have not talked to her yet about this. I wanted to get some outside opinions before I did that. Thanks in advance.
An update to the update:
As I have read many of your posts saying no b/c he is my friends ex, would it be different if he wasn't? He is a guy I like and who likes me back. Someone said something about finding a guy who is truly mine, that will never happen if he has any exes and kids. People will always have baggage if they have had any past relationships. I am the one that chose to back off the friendship a little when we all used to hang out b/c there was chemistry between him and I. Nothing ever happened but I wouldn't ever move in on my friend's husband. They have not been together for almost 2 years now and each of them has moved on. And as far as their divorce is concerned it was a mutual decision. They both knew they were not happy and needed to move on with their lives. I personally feel it would very selfish of me if a friend of mine cared about my ex husband and he cared about her too, and I wouldn't let them date. They both deserve to be happy and if they can do that for each other that is great. At least I knew I would be able to trust the woman around my kids. I would never go behind her back and date him if she was uncomfortable with it and I told him that and he was perfectly understanding of that. Her and I talked about it some more and she just doesn't want us exposing our relationship to the kids for awhile. Him and I agreed on that and for now when we all hang out it is for the kids to play. Our daughters have known each other since they were both 1 and our sons since they were born so it's not like we are introducing the kids to each other for the first time. We all have history together. I am sure most of you aren't going to change your minds about what I am doing but I hope this at least gives you a little understanding.
If a friend of mine were dating either of my exes, I might question her sanity, but not her loyalty. I couldn't care less who my exes date. Once I divorced them, their romantic lives were no longer any of my business.
I would be more concerned about "the bad things about him and how he can be" than about my friend's reaction.
Please talk to your friend first...she WILL find out one way or another and you want to be the one to tell her before you get too involved with this guy. It may not bother her at all for you to go out with him, but if you do so without telling her, that will hurt regardless of how she feels about the two of you dating. She may or may not want to tell you about their problems, and it would be entirely up to you if you want to hear them or not, since all relationships are different so the issues will be different (unless there is an addiction or dishonest behavior, then you want to run away!) You may also talk to him about telling her about it too-there's nothing worse than being lied to by a friend! God bless, let us know what happens!
This would make things way to wierd for me. Even if I did go out with him, I would know nothing would ever come of it simply because I know too much of the past. I would never be able to feel comfortable around her any more either. It is a complicated situation to be in, that's for sure.
Every divorce is 2-sided, and what she thought were deal-breakers in their marriage may not be what you see if you were to start dating him. If they are friends right now, then obviously things weren't that bad, and you would think that they would be happy for eachother no matter who they ended up with.
We all aren't back in highschool now, and you aren't "stealing" your friend's man, not to worry. If she thinks that's what is going on then I guess she isn't as much of a friend to either of you as you thought.
even if your friend did approve of this deep down inside she would not feel comfortable with you and her ex and if you know about all the bad things that he does and apparently he wasnt good enough for your friend why jepordize the friendship you and her have together id say no to this because most likely he wants to get with you to try and get back at her i know that when me and my ex split up he tryed to go out with a couple of my best friends and it was just to try and hurt me are get back at me some way but there truely my best friends because they sent him on his!!!
I don't think I would venture into this relationship. You won't be able to get past the negative things that you know.
That Should Have Never Even Ran Through Your Head. Old Friend, New Friend? Whatever! First Of All, You Have An Honor To Your Friend; Do You Realize How Much Harm You Could Do and To How Many People You Could Do IT TO. Leave Him Alone And Find Yourself A Man That Can Be All Yours Because He Will Never Truly Be.
J. G
You answered your own question with "I know of some of the bad things he has done" - AND.... you need to weigh the risk verses benefits. (is he worth losing your friend over?) You will feel sooooo much better about your self if you tell him politely, "I enjoy your friendship, but, I care alot about "ex-wifes name" and don't want to jeopardize my friendship with her. Thanks for understanding." - short and simple. Do NOT let him talk you into it. Asking you out, knowing you are one of his ex's good friends, indicates to me he isn't finished doing "some of the bad things" he's done in the past. As that is a sign of disrespect to his ex...which will carry over into any other relationship he will have. Another question you should ask yourself...."If your 7-yr-old daughter was 20 yrs old and ask YOU for the same advice...what would you tell her?"
If you want to keep this female as a friend, you should definitely NOT go out with her ex-husband. Regardless of what she might say, that would be completely inappropriate as a friend. If you don't care if you remain friends with her, then go ahead.
Also responding after your "what happened" update. I am happily married to a wonderful man who my ex and I happened to be friends with. The human heart rarely listens to reason and it sounds like you were chomping at the bit to have a go with this guy as the scenario advanced pretty quickly according to these posts. The only concern I would have is the children. You haven't mentioned the ages or how many children they have, but it sounds like they may be the same ages as your children. While the children will overlook what adults would identify as betrayal between you adults, you need to be very careful about the fact that they get attached to the playmates and don't understand why they can't spend time with their friends if your relationship with this guy doesn't work out. You said your friend was very specific about leaving the kids out of it at first, yet you two immediately had a family playdate. Your friend is not going to try to tell you what to do and wants you to be happy if she is a true friend. Right now, she is in another relationship and happy, but if you wind up in a permanent relationship with this guy and step-mother to her children, her feelings may change drastically. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, your children's hearts hang in the balance!!
It really depends on a couple of things, the bad things you know about him are they really his personality or were they things brought on because it was 2 people who really didn't belong together. There are some people who really shouldnt be together and they bring bad things out in each other.
How close were you as a girlfriend, were you best friends who drifted apart because she was overwhelmed with her life and if you called her tomorrow would you pick up where you left off in the friendship or was it a more casual friendship. If you could pick up as best friends where you left off if you called her today I would talk to her about it. If not I would do what your heart and mind tell you and try dating him.
I have a girlfriend who was dating a guy and his best friend lived with them. Well one day the best friend moved out and asked her if she was going with him because getting to know her he had fallen in love with her. They are still happily married and have grown kids.
If you decide to date him just make sure you always communicate how you feel about things. Also you may have to look at it like you just met him off the internet so you don't let other things interfere.
I hope some of this helped.
Have a great day!
Please do not go out with your friend's x. It would be a mistake and cost you your friendship. You are worth far more than the company of this man and there are others who are deserving of your friendship. From a mom, grandmother, greatgrandmother who is 70 and has experienced this situation.
Don't do it. Find a man who is deserving of you.
NO NO NO If you know some bad things about him and you know how he can be FIRST TWO bad signals LEAVE HIM ALONG your friend divorced him don't get involved with him in the way in other words DON'T DATE HIM you could end up like her and you have a child to think of you might be able to just talk to him but that is it good luck
You say you know some bad things about him and how he can be. This doesn't sound positive and I wouldn't want to begin a relationship with someone that I thought wouldn't be anything but a positive roll model/influence on my two young children. True, everyone has their faults, but this already has red flags waving and it seems by your asking that you already recognize this. You also have to weigh just how much a friend she is to you and you to her. One of my very best friends and I don't get to talk or spend much time together because of work and children, but we both know if we were needed - we would be there quickly. I think it speaks well of the kind of women and mothers we are trying hard to be. I feel the relationship between a friend and ex. would definitely end the 1st friendship. If you have any questions, go with your gut feeling... you'll know what is best for you and your children.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
If you and he are happy and she says its ok. Then who cares what everyone else says or thinks. My exhusband had an affair with a friend of mine and a child was conceived then we divorced then he married her and we are friends. We get along great. Some people are so shallow and closed minded. I mean really. If you and him are happy then go for it.
If you have any kind of friendship left with the former wife I definitely say no way! It's just an unspoken rule that you don't date a friends ex! Even if they do have a good friendship now I say no. It will ruin any friendship u have with this woman.
no way. if one of your friends threw away a cheeseburger at mcdonalds, would you pick it up out of the trash and eat it? same thing. no way.
