Should I Feel Guilty?

Hi D.,

I just think its a grandma thing. Althought my mother does not live close to me, I did have a very close older friend (like a second mom to me)who wanted to watch my son when I was getting ready to go back to work. She also had dr appts and last min things of that nature. I felt bad about telling her she could not watch him full time but I needed the security of knowing he had steady childcare. So what I did was I put her on my sons pickup list at daycare and I let her pick him up after nap time on a certin day a week. He still had the daily interaction with other kids and adults, and it gave her the time she wanted to spend with him.

It worked for us...maybe it can work for you. Hopefully this will help

D. H

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Absolutely not - do not feel guilty! this is just your mom trying to control you. She sounds selfish and inconsiderate, and a bit like a control freak drama queen. She is emotionally manipulating you and it sounds like she's been doing it for quite awhile. More than likely there is no "working it out" with her. Just accept that you HAVE to do what's best for your family first (which does not include your mother), that you have to do what's best for your son, and that you can't control what other people feel or how they react - they CHOOSE to feel or react a certain way.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong at all!!!

Your mother is using your feeling of obligation to make you feel guilty. Don't let her! Tell her you're sorry she feels that way but you have to do what's best for your family and your son and she, unfortunately, was not it. Ask her to respect your decision in spite of how she feels. If she can't, she's too immature. If she plays guilt games, she's being manipulative. Understand that she can only have as much control over you, your decisions, your emotions, and your life as you allow her to.

Good luck! (I know how hard it is! I've been through it with my son!)

Do not let your mother make you feel guilty. You are a mother now and you have to make the best decisions for your child. She will get over it soon enough. Sounds almost like she is being selfish by saying you took him from her. If you know in your heart that this was the best decision then there is your answer. Dont worry your mom will come around!!!

Dear Dawn,

No! You shouln't feel guilty at all. It is your mom who should feel guilty for her childish behavior. The bottom line is that as working parents, you need reliable child care which your mother wasn't able to provide. It would have been much worse if you expected this from her. She deserves a life, too. It's a shame she feels this way. What was her response/reaction when she put you in a bind with her last-minute obligations and appointments? She can't have it both ways. I would let her babysit a night or two every other week or so to reassure her that you trust her and want her to spend time with her grandchild. This is a great "date" opportunity for you and your husband! Hopefully, she will get over her hurt feelings. Good luck! L.

No, suggest grandma days. My Mom always picked up my nieces on Tuesday early from daycare and did something special with them. This continued afterschool until my nieces entered middle school. I lived to far away to have grandma days when my children were little but now she sees my children regularly. My 13 year old nieces are still close to my Mom and they like Tuesdays because they are grandma days.

Good luck, your Mom is probably lonely and missing the contact with her grandson. Your priority is your son. Be supportive to your Mom.

A.

Dawn---- Should you feel guilty???.............Ummmmm NO!!!!

You did the right thing by putting your own family and its needs first. Once you have all moved on, she'll be (hopefully) sure to follow. I would have done EXACTLY the same thing.

Would it be possible to put your son in daycare for 3 out of 5 days and let your mom watch him the other two? Or even 4 out of 5. That way she still gets some time with him, he still gets other child enteraction and if something comes up on her days you have the daycare as a back up. Plus it would be nice for him to have "off days" where he gets the one on one interaction and can take a break from all the stimulation that day care provides.

This is just what I would do. When my daughter was in day care she still spent a couple of days at the grandparents house which was good for every one all around.

Just keep reiterating to your mom you appreciate what she has done for you, but with her other obligations it wasn't working out. Keep up that mantra with her.

She loves that baby. She'll come around on your terms. IF she stays mad at you, that means she doesn't get to see the baby, so she will get over it.

Good luck!

Good for you. Reliable daycare is necessary to be effective at work. I'm not sure you can get your mom to understand, since she obviously doesn't understand how important reliability is to you (and every working parent). Hopefully she'll eventually get over it. Just make sure she gets plenty of time on the weekends or weeknights with the baby, since he's obviously important to her. Good luck!

HI,

I think that you should let her read what you have posted here and then reassure that 1- You love her 2- your son, her grandson, loves her very much 3- You appreciate all that she has/had done for him, and that you are glad you all have her in your lives.
Reassure her that having your son around his peers is VERY useful in preparing him for real school and life, but that you would be very appreciative if/when your husband and yourself get the opportunity to escape for a weekend or day trip together for some alone time, she would keep your son so that you don't need to worry about pick up times..

Your mom, from what I have read is simply feeling unloved, unwanted, and not needed all of course unnecessarily, but it is what it is.
All you need to do is reassure and find ways to include her.
Do not feel guilty though, As it should be, you and your siblings? were your mom's first priority, just as it seems your son is yours. Do not let ANYONE make you feel bad about that, not even your mom.

Sorry for the long post.

B.

Dear Dawn,

First of all, congratulations on putting your son's and your family's needs first and having the courage to speak candidly to your mother about your decision. You were honest and straightforward and yet compassionate to her feelings. I think that ideally, young children would be home with their mother, but unfortunately, this is not possible for all families. Grandparents are usually the next best choice, however, this also doesn't always work out. Group daycare, or even in-home daycare, would not be my first choice, however, it does appear that your son is quite content there and receiving the stimulation that he desires. Your son's happiness is the most important.

To be quite honest, it is possible that your mother is the one feeling guilty and it is coming out in her anger toward you. Deep down inside she must realize that she was sometimes unreliable, and this doesn't work for employed parents. Further, she was being paid to watch her own grandchild. Not to be harsh, but did it ever occur to you that your mother may miss the money? This would be very difficult for her to admit, even to herself. It would be more socially acceptable to say that she simply missed being with your son. While I am sure that she really does miss her grandson, she probably also misses the money she made and having something important to do. But please, do not feel guilty about your decision. Your mother also made her decision. You simply cannot afford to pay her and have her be unreliable, otherwise you may as well stay home yourself.

I think that you handled the situation with as much sensitivity as possible. Good luck in all of your future endeavors!

Sincerely,
J.

No I wouldnt feel guilty.You did what is best for your child..and in the long run your mother.Sounds like she has become to attached to you son.She is just going through the baby blues it sounds like and once realises that she didnt do anything wrong,that your son is doing great all will be well again..hopefully..good luck..
S. B

For one... YOU are his mother, not your mother!!!
I went through the same thing with my mom and she was acting like my daughter was her daughter... I was living with her to go to nursing school while my husband was in Iraq, and when I was done and he was back, my daughter and I moved back in with him and she felt as though we had abandoned her and that I was taking away HER baby. I got the run-around with her about how I'm not going to take HER baby away and that I needed to leave my daughter with her. I finally had to break down, put it in black and white and tell her,"Listen, I am the one that concieved her, carried her for 10 months and spent 18 grueling hours in labor with her only to have a C-section. I gave birth to her and I have been raising her while going to nursing school. She is my baby and I will do as I see fit for her. If you don't like the way that I am raising my child then maybe you need to look the other way for a while and actually see why I am making the decisions that I am." She hated hearing that at first and it took her about two weeks before realizing that I am making the best decisoins for MY daughter and that she really didn't warrant a say in the matter. It's difficult dealing with your own parent when it comes to situations like this but sometimes tough love towards them is the best. I am not saying this is the best way for you to handle the situation with your mother but it worked for me and maybe it will give you some idea's! I hope I helped!

No way! Don't feel guilty! You are doing what is best for your son. Her anger will pass with time.

You have to realize that your Mother has been with this baby since birth. She misses him terribly. She knows you are doing what you think is right but she misses him. If you were a stay at home Mom you would have the feelings she is having also if suddenly you didn't see the child in the daytime. I understand the reliable day care, but he is only 20 months old. He could have stayed at with your Mom at least until 2. Maybe you should of given her a bigger notice. She will get over your decision like all of us grandmother's do; but you need to consider her feelings and talk to her from her point of view instead of making it all about you and your little family. She has been good enough (even with pay to relieve your guilt which I am sure she would of done without pay) to keep him in the crucial times when you needed her; so please give her a chance to vent over the overwhelming loss of a child she has nurtured everyday while allowing you and your husband to further your careers.

Perhaps you could schedule one day a week for her to keep your child. I know you pay for daycare weekly, but if she is missing him and wants to spend time would she be willing to have hime without pay one day a week? They could continue their special bond and she could feel a part of things. You don't want to have to call on her only when your child is sick...

I would just explain to her that its good for him to have social interaction. Just make sure he gets to spend a lot of time with her. Its hard for her too. My son spends a lot of time at his grandma's. He loves it. But he loves his daycare too. My mother will sometimes pick him up for me, or sometimes I let him stay both nights on the weekend.
Don't worry, you did the right thing. She'll get over it in time.

You are not married to your mom.Your family comes first. S. l.

no, you got to do what you got to do whats better for the chijd,your mom needs to grow up.

I know how you feel about wanting your child to have more interaction. We did that too witha Mother's Morning out program.

It sounds like your mom may be more mad at herself than at you. She might be feeling like if she had doen something different or said "no" more to other commitments, she would have been there more.

I think your'e doing the right thing reassuring her that it wasn't anything she did, you just felt that your child needed to be around other kids.

Maybe if you keep making it about him, she'll come around. You might also work out some extra "grandma" time after daycare or let Grandma pick him up once in a while to show her she's still involved.

Good luck to yoU!

Dear D.,

Don't worry about it. Your mom just doesn't know what to do with herself now. She will adjust. Give her something else to do for you that will make her feel needed. i.e. pick up groceries, or start dinner for you. Or pick up your son from daycare a few times a week. Hope it all works out.

D. L.

Definitely do not feel guilty about the decision you made! For so many reasons, it was the best decision for your son and your family. Sounds like your mom is just thinking about herself and not what is best for your son and your family. Remember, when you have a child, your first priority is to that child and your new family, not to anyone else. It is a great time to get him interacting with other children to develop his social skills. Plus you needed someone who you knew would be able to keep him consistently and not back out on you at the last minute. So you did the right thing!! Your mom will just have to visit with your son and your family at other times that are convenient for everyone. Maybe she can keep him on the weekend for a few hours so you and your hubby can have a date! That way, she still feels like she gets her time with him and you guys get some time alone! You are lucky to have family close by who you can trust to keep your son but don't let her push you around and make you feel bad for doing what's best for your family. Good luck!

I think as daughters with such loving moms, we have all gone through this and the feeling of guilt is so normal. This situation will happen over and over again throughout the years so be prepared. Our moms need to feel they are still connected with us and try in whatever way they can to take burdens away from us (it's that unconditional love stuff). Love her for her concern, but know that you are doing the right thing. Financially and emotionally (at times) it is expensive at a daycare and with that said, keep the bridge open for your mom to watch your son.

Give your mom some "space" to process this new situation - it may take a week or two, but it is alright - when she is ready to talk, just let her.

Smile today, sounds like you have a wonderful and loving family.

Dear Dawn,

You have already answered your own question...you have done the best thing for your son and your family. Sorry to say your mother is just going to have to get over it. She is not losing him, she is a Grandmother. You are not going to get her to understand, this is something that she is going to have comes to terms with on her own. You just have to stay strong and stick to your guns. Give her some time to absorb the whole thing and hopefully she will see that you have done what anyone else would have done. The bottom line is that you and your family are happy.

Take care,
M.

I say you should not feel guilty at all. But we moms try to please everyone. You are completely justified in the decision you've made and even though it affects her (in the fact the she no longer has the job and she's close to him), it's still not her decision to make where he stays. 100% of the parenting decisions are for you and your husband to make. I'll bet time will heal this. She just needs some time to get over it. Maybe she's afraid she wont get to see him anymore so maybe you can make it a point to let them visit each other often until she has time to heal. Maybe give her a half day on the weekends to babysit so you and hubby can have some private time, or better yet, you can be alone for some mommy time!
But if you've apologized and appreciated her, there's really nothing more you can do, except stop beating yourself up.
Best wishes!!

No, you have to do what is right for your family. The only thing that probably went wrong was the telling her you needed "more reliable daycare". It probably would have been better left unsaid and just use the "we planned on putting him with other children around 2 yrs old to learn and interact more". So, for the most part, she should get over this.... I would feel a little guilty myself but like you would have no regrets.... he's probably very happy to be with other little people like himself, and it prepares him for school.
In an effort to make grandma happy, you might schedule time for her, that is good for her and for you so that she can still feel important. Maybe one day he can miss daycare and spend it with her. She'll get past it and all will be well, I've had some hard times like that with my mom as well, so God bless you and it'll work out fine!

hello dawn. i think maybe you mother is feeling a little lost and lonely with out her grandbaby after all the time she has kept him. maybe you could work something out with your mother and set some time aside for some "grandma and baby" time. they probably both miss each other any way.

You're right in not feeling guilty. This is your child and your decision and NO ONE should make you feel guilty for your choices when it comes to him. She'll get over it eventually, just give her time. And let her see him anytime she wants, as long as it doesn't interfere with your plans...

Bottomline this is about your child, not your mother. If your child is happy, your mother should be happy for the child.

I have similar situation - I also pay my mom to keep my kids while I work - I have an 8 yr old son in school, 4 yr old son in prek and a 3 yr old daughter. My parents pick up the school children everyday (or days that we do not have after-school activities). For a long time, my mother seemed to think that I really didn't work - which was very stressful! I constantly felt torn - and we had many situations like you find yourself in - mom going to doctor's appts, etc etc. ONe thing you should be aware of is that day care is not as consistent and reliable as you think. Some day cares close between Christmas and New Year's - some even follow the school calendar and have a spring break! IN addition, your child will not be able to attend with a runny nose, cough, pink eye etc. Mom probably accepts sick kids and even works on Good Friday (example:)) So, my mom and I had to have a long chat about my job is a real job - I also travel - and I had to understand that my mom was not enslaved - even though I pay her. Solution - I put the two younger children in Mother's day out 1 or 2 days a week. My mom tries to schedule all of her personal appointments on those days. During the Christmas holidays - she takes a couple of free days to do shopping or whatever and during the summers she has a week off - with pay - and she goes to the beach. I think you would find that you would miss far less work in compromising a little and giving SCHEDULED days off to your mom than putting your small children in day care full time. I have done both and while I have moments of frustration, the situation is much better than day care -- and much better since we worked out details! It is wonderful to have grandparents so involved in my children's lives - it really takes a village. I would not be able to have my job, travel the world, or be confident that my children's care giver really does CARE about them. SOmetimes my mom thinks that they are hers - but that is an entirely different situation !!!! Ha Ha. Good luck and I am sure that you will make the best decisions for you and your child. Remember, next year, you will have another issue and this one will not seem nearly as traumatic as it does now. Been there.

I am a grandma, and I would be very hurt too. Now, on the other hand, you do need to know that there are no problems once you go off to work. Maybe several times a week she could pick him up for you. And don't forget to ask her to keep him on Sat so you and hubby can do a few things. Did you sit down and discuss this whole thing with her before you made the decision to switch him? I do believe he probably will do well with other children, but he will also catch whatever comes along.
Just tell her that daycare is just that, daycare. Always there, no traveling in the care, no worry about the caregiver having to leave for any reason. Next year, if this isn't great, consider a church preschool, and gma having him after. That way, she can make her appt on the morning he goes.

No, you shouldn't feel guilty. Sounds like mom is though.

Dawn,
Maybe Friday afternoons or another 1/2 day that works for your Mom you could allow her to keep him instead of him going to daycare. The provider would probably understand (although you'd still pay for it) and maybe that could be Grandma and grandson's special day. She has spent a great deal of time with him and I am sure they have a special relationship. I had my nephew everday for his from 3 mos. until I can't even remember. Sometimes he wanted me over my sister (that didn't go over real well!) but I missed him when I moved away and didn't see him every day and now that he's 8 when he calls it's my son who he wants to talk to not me! :( Oh the sweet transitions from "baby" to child! :)

I am sure she is just hurt although you didn't mean to..you don't have to feel guilty but just try to empathize and ask her if she would like a special afternoon a week or even an overnight once a month or something regular she can count on. I think it sounds like a nice compromise. Let her know you didn't realize how hurt she would be and you're sorry it hurt her. You don't have to be sorry for your decision but I am sure you didn't want to hurt her feelings either! :)

Good luck!

D.

No, I don't think you should feel guilty. It sounds like your mom doesn't understand how difficult and stressful it is not to have reliable childcare. And she's also feeling under-valued even though you've affirmed her. Let her know that how important it is that your child still have a close relationship with grandma. Could you have her keep him one or even two days a week? She could schedule her appointments on other days. She would still enjoy regular time with the baby without as much responsibility, and he would still benefit from the daycare environment.

Hi Dawn~
I don't know you, but if I were you I wouldn't feel guilty. It doesn't mean that you don't love or appreciate what your mom has done. She probably feels like she got a chance to spend time with her grandchild. Reassure her that you may need her if your little one gets sick and needs to stay home from daycare or when you and your husband go on dates (if you get that chance!). Keeping her on "standby" may help her feel like she's still a part of her grandchild's life. You have your reasons to put your child in daycare and you should stick to what you want for your child and not on hurting someone's feelings that you can't control. Email me if you have any questions or need to talk: ____@____.com luck, I'm know this is hard for you.

Paula G.

Hey Dawn,

I know you have already gotten about a hundred responses, but heres mine. I also have a mother who is extremely emotional and reacts quite child-like when it comes to my baby. We live 2 hours away, so I constantly hear about how she never sees my son and how he doesn't know her, on and on, etc. The things about it is, you are RIGHT to put him in daycare because you are his mom and you alone decide whats best for him. Your mother had no right to act like that. You shouldn't have to feel manipulated because you are the daughter and she is the mother. That dynamic should have stopped when you became an adult, but many parents do not give that up. Also, it is very important that your son interact with other children. I would continue to stand up for what you believe. Being respectful to your mom is one thing, but that doesn't mean you need to tip-toe around her out of fear of her reaction. If I did live near my mother, I would never let her keep my son because of her childish behavior.