I need some advice, and to vent a little. I'll warn you, this might get lengthy! LOL! My stepmom and I have always had a rocky relationship. She verbally and mentally abused me from the time I was 3 till I was 6 when she finally kicked me out. I was raised by my aunt and uncle and had little to no contact with my father, as my stepmother forbid it and made it miserable whenever we were all together. She has a son from her first marriage that my dad always treated like his own son. My dad and stepmother have two children together. I was robbed of a relationship with my younger siblings and she turned her son against me (we're the same age) and made him tell lies about me to anyone that would listen. When I got pregnant with my first child, I decided I wanted to have a relationship with my dad and my siblings, and that meant I had to make peace with my stepmom. We've done remarkably well given our terrible history. We have a tentative friendship now. All has not been forgotten, or even forgiven, but we're trying. Lately she's been "forgetting" to tell me things about our family. My great aunt passed away and she "forgot" to call and tell me the funeral arrangements, which resulted in me not going. I wanted to go as I was close to some of my great aunts grandchildren growing up. My brothers will regularly go to my dad and stepmoms house on Sundays after church (we all attend the same church) for lunch. My family is never invited. She claims that they just show up, but I know that's not true as my SIL has asked me why we always "refuse the invitation," which is what my stepmother tells them. My little brother's girlfriends is 18 weeks pregnant and was rushed to the hospital two days in a row. My stepmother called my brother and my sister and told them, but never told me. (My sister lives about 6 hours away, so she isn't really around. She's my best friend and sticks up for me all the time to her mother.) I knew because I had heard the EMS call on our scanner, but still...I think she should have called. At the very least she could have sent me a text letting me know if everything was ok. I feel like these things are very blatant. It makes me feel like I'm not a part of the family. She is a very overbearing woman and rules my father with an iron hand. My dad, God bless him, hates to make her mad. She has also been known to flat out lie to my dad and tell him that she called me and informed me of the news. I don't know what to do. I'm just starting to rebuild relationships with my Dad and my brothers. I hate to confront her and have all that blown to hell. I would hate it if my kids lost their Papa, Nana and their uncles. I know if I brought it up to her she would start yelling at me and it would wind up in a big fight. My feelings are really hurt and I feel like I'm just a means to an end. She knows that if she wants to see my kids, she has to play nice with me. I know that she still harbors a lot of resentment toward me (for reasons I don't understand). And, to be honest, I still have a lot of hurt in me. She REFUSES to talk about the past. I've tried several times. She just says "it was a long time ago" and changes the subject. Like I said, our relationship is tenuous at best. I hate to involve my dad cause I don't want it to seem like I'm tattling on her. I'm stuck. Do I say something to her? Or just put on a smile and go about my business?
Thanks everyone! I do talk to my dad on the phone a few times a week. I have been to counseling about the whole situation and I'm much better than I used to be. I know that she can only get to me if I let her. There are times when she is really nice to my face, but then goes and does something to purposely exclude me. And then she wonders why I don't let her babysit my kids! SMH...I know things will probably never change it's just something I'll have to learn to deal with. I don't tell my Dad everything because he has a lot on his plate that he deals with. I don't think he needs to worry about stuff like this anymore. I think I'll take the suggestion that next time I'll call him and get the info instead of waiting on her to call me.
Have you ever tried asking her to go to counseling with you? I know it may sound silly, but it gives everyone a chance to air their feelings in an unbiased setting. And the counselor acts as a mediator. Just a thought.
I don't think talking to her will work. She obviously doesn't have a problem with what she is doing and she is probably too set in her ways to change at this point. And if you confront her, since she has no problems with lying and seems to be actively trying to exclude you from family functions and family business, she will just use anything you have to say against you and cut off all ties with you completely.
If you truly want to maintain a relationship with this side of your family, you will have to become crafty and work around your stepmother. Befriend everyone on that side of your family that you can - aunts, uncles, cousins, step siblings - and use them as your source of information instead of your stepmother. Find a way to completely cut her out as your information source because she is completely unreliable at best.
Don't expect her to be warm and inviting with you. That's not who she is or how she operates. Never has and most likely never will. She's just not that type of person and it has nothing to do with you as a person or your value as a family member. If you reach out and befriend your other family members, you and your daughter will receive the invitations to family functions and will be welcomed with open arms.
If you hold your head up high, don't engage in your stepmother's mean spiritedness, and genuinely try to befriend your other family members, they will see you for who you truly are and your stepmother's lies will been seen for what they truly are. What is that saying? "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I can't impress up you enough that, if you want to keep your ties with this side of your family intact, you will have to reframe how you view your stepmother and how you interact with her. Lower your expectations of her. She's just not that person and most likely never will be. Understand that how she acts and what she says is all about her -- she's a liar, she's into exclusion and control -- and not at all about you. Don't base your value upon someone who doesn't know how to behave. Find humor wherever you can with her because that will help you keep a good attitude through all of her crazy-making. But, most of all, keep your dignity. If any good can come up this twisted relationship with your stepmother is that you can learn from her lessons about how not to be when you finally become a mother.
And if, having to deal with her gets to be too much for you, you can always decide to look elsewhere for that famial comfort and warmth that you are seeking. No one would blame you.
Wishing you all of the best in whatever you decide to do.
I commend you for your efforts and I agree that she will never change.
Can you get a different member of your family to call you with info since this woman can't be trusted? One that knows the situation, like one of your brothers or his wife. They will understand that you are doing your best to be civil but she can't be trusted to pass on information.
There are ways to go around her. Just because she's your stepmom doesn't mean you have to rely on her for anything.
Also, don't try bringing up the past. Why bring old feelings to the surface? Just move on!
Good luck!
I'm gonna come from a different place here than the other posts, I mean no disrespect to your relationship to your dad but..... Your dad allowed your STEP-mom to throw you out at 6 yrs old and he didn't fight for you. Your step-mom isn't even your blood but she controls the family. Perhaps you are transfering all your anger to her but your dad is part of it. If she can't be spoken to, I say talk to your dad. Let him make it up to you that he chose his new wife over his child. Let him stick up for you and tell her how it is going to be. He owes that to you. Personally family or not I wouldn't want to have to work so hard to be accepted into my own family. What about your hubbies family? Are you close with them? Maybe you can start a tradition with his side and have Sunday dinner or whatever brings your family together. If you have a good relationship with some of your siblings then try to get together with them and stay away from your step-mom. But to answer to the question: don't speak with her, let dad if you chose. Otherwise go on about your business, you deserve happiness not heartache. IMO
She has never forgiven you for having a bond with her husband that she can't touch and has no control over. She will never forgive you. If she is capable of abusing a toddler over the issue, she is not going to be secure enough ever to really include you in family.
You have to decide if your relationship with your brothers and father is worth the fact that you will always be a second class citizen to your step mother. If you decide they are worth it, the best you can do is attempt to arrange as many opportunities in front of the woman as you can to call her on her childishness without being nasty as you can, and otherwise ignore her as much as you can.
By that I mean any time you can arrange or contrive for the question about why you don't join the family for lunch to happen in front of the step mother and you answer "I have never been invited and didn't want to impose" that is one more thing that she isn't getting away with pretending to everyone that she's cool about.
If the opportunity doesn't come up or can't subtly be made to come up, you need to act like you don't care because what she wants most in the world is for you to be hurt by it. Don't give her that. Even if you are hurt, don't let her see it. Act like the bigger person and let it roll off, while using other opportunities to point out that you're not dumb and know what she's up to, like I talked about above.
Slowly it will whittle away at the secrets she's still trading in. Anywhere you can, ask these other members of your family to communicate with you directly, or take charge of notifying you of things, that you'd really appreciate it from the brother or the brother's spouse. The only explanation you need give is that you're still working out your relationship with your step mother, and would just have an easier time hearing from them. You don't need to explain all of her nonsense. They will catch on eventually, and you look like a saner person for not dishing her to get your needs met.
I would also seriously look into counseling for yourself. You can't change her. You can't change that she's small minded and vindictive and childish and cruel. But you can work on you and accepting what happened to you and healing from it.
It is your dad that you want the relationship with, right? And he is your dad, right? So, why isn't he communicating with you? He should be the one inviting you to things, he should be the one telling you when family passed away. Granted, she is doing it for your siblings, but still, that should be his responsibility, plus, your siblings should pass the word as well. Then, you can call your dad and say, "Sally just told me that so-and-so died. I didn't know, what are the arrangements?" That way you aren't tattling, and if your stepmom said that she told you, he will know that she didn't. I would put the communication responsibility on him. That way you can continue to be civil with her without having to rely on her and giving her that power.
I believe this is a case of having to smile and go about your business - unfortunately, she sounds extremely emotionally immature (like my mom) which means you're not going to open her eyes to anything at this point in time. She sounds like her jealousy over possible relationships between you and your dad/siblings prevents her from being a gracious step mother and positive influence in your life.
However, if you do decide to say something, I'd recommend speaking with a therapist first. I started seeing one about a year and a half ago when I was struggling with how to live after beating cancer. An unbiased counselor will help you see the situation through a different set of eyes, help you determine if it's in your best interests and help you come-up with a game plan should you wish to have one. At the very least, it may provide needed healing for all the wrongs done to you - and I commend you for becoming such a wonderful person despite such awful experiences as a child.
My other recommendation is to perhaps start having your own events at your house in which you invite everyone and show her that a good time can be had by all despite her attempts to prevent that from happening.
Good luck!
First of all. I want to say that we cannot change the behavior of others but we can change are response to their behavior! You attend church so you have a spiritual base, so take it and embrace it more. God will be your mother and father! I have issues that are simiular to yours, I would keep going back to get them to love me and understand my point of view on things and what i realized is that that is who they are they are never going to see my point because they don't want to. They feel as though their feelings are valid. Since you believe in God, the bible tells us this is the order that we live by. God, Spouse and then children. Your father sounds as if he is going in that direction not saying that his actions are right but what I am saying is men don't like drama and if he is put into drama then he will chose his wife. I know he loves you, but just in a different way then you would like. Let it go if you can don't let this women continue to reserve space in your head. Let go and Let GOD!
Good Luck
ps. sorry about the spelling lol
I have found that some times it helps to write a letter to them but never send it. I think with your stepmom will twist your words against you. I would also play the game forget to invite or tell her things. Like next birthday party be sure to invite everyone but her. And when she catches wind of it say opps I forgot.
I feel for you I have someone simular in my life and it is very hard to be civil with them. I dont think they can see how hurtful they can be or they plain just dont care.
You won't change her. It's good of you to forgive as much as you have.
Just have your SIL and other family members inform you about things, since your stepmother obviously won't.
There is no solution for messed-up, mean people. If you can learn to get along with her, tolerate, and not harbor anger (which is unhealthy for you), you're doing better than most people.
Shaun,
The hardest thing to do is almost always the best thing to do. And I think you answered your own question. YES~ you put a smile on and go about your business. You are relying on her too much in the aspect of getting your information. Why doesn't your dad call you to inform you? Why doesn't your brother.... and so on. It probably makes her happy to know that this upsets you SO STOP!!! :)
Putting a smile on your face and living the best life you can will be punishment enough for this hateful woman. You deserve better! So you tried, now move on!! It's going to be hard, but do what's best for you!!!
I commend your efforts, but to try and think she has or will change is just not feasible.
If you want to continue the "relationship", you must accept it and HER as-is. She will never include you as one of her own. So sad though...
I wouldn't mention anything to your Dad. I'm sure he sees what's going on, but doesn't want to stir the pot.
Just keep things at a distant-social level. If you want to see them, invite them over for special occasions. That way your child(ren) see them in a good light.
Be friendly, but don't let the stress of trying to make this woman nice affect you and your family.
And lastly, PRAY for her...that's the best you can do!
Good luck!
WOW u and my son should talk, i wonder if my son feels the same way about his controlling stepdad, but the difference is i would never abandon my child for anyone, and if yr stepmom has made u feel like that for so long in order to free yrself u have to tell her and yr dad. you have suffered enough and so have yr siblies. wish you luck
