I want my sister to know that I'm disappointed in her choices, but is it even worth it? My sister lives in another state (within driving distance) and we all drive back and forth between the two states to stay connected. My family is really close and very supportive of each other (in general). My sister has been married for about 1.5 years and her husband is VERY controlling. He told her that my husband could not stand up in their wedding because he was not having his brother-in-law stand up in their wedding. My sister and my husband are very close and he was a little bummed (not that he would ever show it).
Her husband has many acquaintences which has resulted in numerous wedding invitations over the past several years. My sister has commented that she doesn't know most of these people, but her husband requires her attendance at every single one because he does not want to go alone. This is the case for my son's first birthday. My sister and I were talking about his birthday about 3 months ago.
She asked me when his party was and I told her it was on the 23rd of January. At the same time I'm telling her this she's commenting that she and her husband have been invited to a wedding that same weekend. I purposely planned my son's party for that particular weekend because there is a winter event going on in the town that I live in. We have a lot of family coming into town for my son's birthday and I wanted them to have something fun to do while they are here. So, I had time changed the date of my son's party.
I'm really frustrated because my sister has missed several important family events and I feel like her husband is the reason. I've had to change dates of other events, frankly for no reason, because of his requirements of my sister.
I'm disappointed that she doesn't stand up for herself, but she's been this way her entire life. A part of me really wants to tell her "How would you like it if we stopped coming to your important events?" In the end...I don't think I could ever do that to her. I'm always here to support her no matter what, but I'm really starting to get mad and resent her for this!
My vision into the future is that this is never going to change, she'll never change and I'll continue to feel hurt when she misses important events. It's really hard for me to be supportive when I don't feel I'm getting it in return.
How do I deal with my frustration with this situation that is NEVER going to go away? Her husband will always decide what is important based on what he wants to do! I'm sad because I feel like I won't be close with my sister moving forward because of these issues. I really need some advice!
Weddings happen once, birthdays every year. Chill out and let her go her own way. It's not like she lives next door. Just because you want closeness, perhaps she wants a little more independence - ask her!
Did your sister know about the date for your son's party BEFORE they got the invitation for this wedding? If so, I would also be upset that she then chose the wedding over the birthday!
Perhaps you can speak to her alone about it, calmly. Just tell her that you are sad and disappointed that she won't be at the party. Ask her what SHE wants, not what her husband wants. If she voices that she would rather be at the party, then tell her you will support her in standing up to her husband to tell him she does not want to go to the wedding. My husband does plenty of things and goes to plenty of events without me because I am not interested in them. They are his activities, not mine. If she doesn't know any of these people getting married, she shouldn't have to go to ALL of them. If she wants to go to her nephew's birthday party, her husband should be man enough to understand!!
My sister also misses major events in our family. She has been married to her husband almost 25 years. Early on, everyone in the family blamed my BIL for being too controlling and not "allowing" her to attend. Over the years we have all discovered that this is her choice to disengage from the family, not her husband forcing her (although I know that that happens too). Some folks are really selfish and going to a wedding and getting blasted and free food is more important than a child's b-day party. I found that for me to have a relationship with my sister, at all, I have to keep my mouth shut and make the effort to come to her. Sometimes I feel like it and sometimes I don't. As S. H said, you should still have a one-on-one just to make sure that she is not in an abusive situation that she can't figure out. Let her know you love her and will support her if she figures out that is the issue. Let it go after that. Life is too short to worry about what could have been. (I'm an older Mama, so I can spout this stuff.) Enjoy what is and love your kids with all your might. Eventually, you will have to answer the question, "Why isn't Auntie here?", so prepare yourself for that.
I can certainly empathize with you,
S.
I have a similar situation with my sister who has been married for over 10 years. I cried when she got married because I knew how different things would be because of who she married. I have learned over the years to keep my mouth shut and just have whatever relationship I can with her and that has really helped. I don't say bad things about her husband to her ever. I just accept the situation. I also keep reminding myself that SHE has made the decision to stay with him. SHE is the only one who can make changes. It's not my responsibility. I just pray for her. So, bottom line, my suggestion is not to cause any tension between the two of you. Just support her and try to have whatever relationship you can with her without causing any tensions for her. I know it may not keep you from being hurt but eventually the pain will lessen.
I think that for your own well being that you need to let go of your sister a bit, and accept that things are different and not how you'd like them to be or how they were. If you get mad and frustrated about it, you're only causing yourself a lot of stress, and probably your sister as well. It doesn't seem to be something that you can change.
I'm going through a bit of this acceptance of the way things are with my mom right now. It's not quite the same issue, but is similar enough that I understand how you're feeling. I talked to the minister at our church, and that has helped me to put things in perspective, let go a bit, and be more accepting of my mom as she is. But it's not easy and I've had a lot of times when I've been angry, frustrated and in tears. I am working on a letter and do plan to tell her how I feel, one time and then I will not bring it up again. I think that it's important for her to understand my (and my siblings') perspective, but I don't really expect her to change any more. For a while, I did expect that she could change. But have since realized that she doesn't want to change and doesn't see anything wrong with her life. So, it's not something I can control in any way and I've reached a point where I can accept her as she is and focus on the positive stuff. (I do still get upset sometimes, but I can now let it go more easily.)
It might help you to talk to someone who is neutral and uninvolved, use them as a sounding board to help you get it out.
On the other hand, one more thing to think about... Maybe this situation is a bit different... It sounds like he is really controlling. And one thing is that abusers do tend to do whatever they can to cut off their victims from family and friends to increase their control over them. If your sister seems genuinely happy, then I wouldn't worry about this, but it just struck me that maybe her situation could be worse than she's talking about.
I think you should try to get your sister on her own and have a real heart to heart with her. If everything seems to really be okay, then you may just need to accept that things are different.
I wish you the best of luck.
I don't know if this will help or just make you more upset but... Her husband is the boss of her now. That is how it works. Your husband is your boss too. I know that sounds "old fashioned" and not politically correct. Your sister has to live with her husband 100% of the time, she has to make it work.
My sister doesn't get to come to ANY family events (sometimes Christmas every 2 years or so). Her husband doesn't work, is controlling and LOVES her very much but she has to put her "new" family first. Of course I would love her to come to my sons events but she can't afford it (because of her husband) but that is how it is. LOVE your sister, send her pictures, tell her you want her to be there BUT let her have her life and you have yours. After we get married and have kids our lives are never the same and our sister's are not either. Make the most of it with the family that will be there. Don't take it out on her husband (or her) that will not help anything.
I don't know if any of this made sense, good luck and GOD bless you in your relationships. And congrats on ONE YEAR!!!! It goes fast doesn't it!!!
Hopefully people only get married once. Your son will have MANY more birthdays. He is not going miss his auntie at his first birthday. Do you know anyone who even remembers their first birthday party? It's OK for this particular time BUT if your sister is consistently missing family events due to hubby, I think I would ask her about it.
how long of a drive is it? Whos wedding is it?is it his childhood friend?how long have they known the person? When you marry you are marring into the other persons life too. I bet your sister thought it was exciting that her husband had so many friends soo they are getting married a once in a lifetime event whereas your child will have more birthdays and when your child is older they will know that Auntie is there....I would ask her questions that she could ask her husband, not in a mean way just in a how do we want to handle this in the future way. an example"Joe/your sisters name here- I was thinking how do we/you want to handle future events when both of us have important people in our lives with special occasions on the same day.Obviously we can not always go to just mine or just yours. What do you think? You could ask your sister what is her answer on the phone privately then have her clarify with her husband.You could also tell her how you and your husband handle things.Goodluck
If you walked a few miles in her shoes, you might feel more like giving her a break. There is probably more to her story than you even are aware of. My husband tries to control me and my sisters had no idea...until he started smacking my son around.
Just saying, look at the other side of the coin. You love your sister and she is in a difficult situation.
You will do the right thing.
S.
Sadly, there may not be anything that can be done about it whether you speak in confidence with her on not. It does not mean she doesn't care for you and your son ~ but her life has dramatically changed and being married as you know offers a complete change for some people.
Would you have her risk a fight with her husband over you and your family for visits when you can visit her more easily? Her husband may have his reasons that you are not aware of and they may not be personally pointed at you and your family.
If he's over-controlling, you will want to be there for her as she will need you later. Many are blind to this type of thing in the beginning of a new life.
If you know how she has been her entire life - then I don't see how it should bother you to much, really. Other than being an example for her with your life. Show her it doesn't have to be that way~
