I have been tossing this around in my head for a couple days. Troy's family lives about three hours out of St Louis. So at Christmas they are asking about hotels in the area for our wedding. Same thing at Easter. So trying to be nice I switched the wedding to four in the afternoon so that they had time to drive in and would only have to stay one night. I told them this at Easter. All that was said is so long as the hotel has a pool, okay.
So he has two smaller nieces by smaller they are 8 and 9. I messaged his sister in law, I was thinking of getting a sitter in case my little ones get tired before the reception is over. Would you like me to get two sitters in case the girls get tired as well. No answer. Called a few days later, left message. Texted her that I really need to get these thing booked, nothing.
They never returned the RSVP card. You know the one we address for them and put a stamp on it so all they have to do is write a number on it and mail it back??!
Well Troy called them last weekend and asked if they wanted to stay here. If I put my son on the sofa their whole family can stay in his room. Oh well we were planning on heading home when the girls get tired.
Now here is what has my knickers in a twist. First I would have rather had a morning wedding and an afternoon reception. I am not a night person. I changed that for them. This is the first time they will be down here and see the house, meet my older kids, my family blah blah blah. They can't even be bothered to stay for the whole reception. They have no plans on seeing the house!! I had even planned on getting up early Sunday and cooking them all breakfast so they didn't go home hungry.
The thing is tired or not we schlep around their town seeing their homes, staying a reasonable time. No eat and dash. I don't like driving home late but I do because it is the right thing to do when someone invites you to their home. You don't just take and run.
So here is the thing. I have always lived here. I have no idea what small town thinking is. So I figured I would throw this out here since some of you are from small towns. Is their behavior normal or are they being rude? In my world this is rude but I don't want to be upset if they just see their behavior as normal.
Please feel free to rip me one if I am out of line. I really don't know if I am right or wrong here and have no one else to ask.
Thanks for all the responses, it really makes me feel better that it isn't in my mind. I love his family even if they flake a bit from time to time. :)
His mom and dad were staying with us all along. Plus I have my two youngest so no romantic activity is going to be happening that night. :p
When we go up for family event we leave early in the morning and stay pretty late but do go back and forth the same day. Just not for weddings, or funerals for that matter.
The thing with the changes that bothered me is why not tell me. Why not call me back or whatever? Why not oh we were planning on heading back the same day but we are not sure. I don't know, maybe I expect too much.
I think the not staying is a budget issue. Thing is even if they don't know me that well they know Troy well enough to know we would create what looks like a refugee camp before we put someone out. We don't have a huge home but it is by no means small either. Even if we took in his whole family no adult would have to sleep on the floor.
The time change has grown on me because apparently late afternoon is the best light for pictures and we are heading to a beautiful park close to the church. :) If they don't want to go to the park with us I am going to kick them in the shins! :p
Well I don't know what it has to do with the size of my town or city, but I don't like to stay overnight at peoples houses either.
Just not comfortable however fabulous the host is, just would WAAAY rather stay in a hotel for some alone time or go home.
(My guy feels like you do. He is always wanting to stay at peoples houses or have people stay here, bleck, it doesn't suit me!)
:)
I don't think they are being rude--they are just trying to manage their lives (kids, accommodations) around your event. You changed the reception time, you offered to line up a babysitter, you even offered your home. All YOUR decisions. They didn't ask right? They probably think the last thing you want to be doing after it is all over is entertain out of town company. Maybe they're trying to be unobtrusive? Attending weddings with a kid or two is tough--as you know...
But they should have rsvp'd!
Added: I don't think it's necessarily rude or a "message" that they are NOT staying the night! Geeez....this is a family with kids and maybe they want to keep their routine as normally as possible?! I mean, J., I know it's your wedding but it's YOUR imortant day (as it should be), not theirs...you have the rest of your lives to get closer to your new family.
MamaMama A. said what I was thinking almost exactly.... I cannot imagine a situation where I would stay in the wedding couple's home ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT (with them there as well). If you guys were going somewhere else (hotel or whatever) and offered your home while you were elsewhere, that would be a different scenario altogether. But since you are not, there is pretty much NO WAY I would intrude into your home on your wedding night.
Going on the assumption that the acceptable window of time to reply to the invites has already elapsed, then yeah.... not sending back the reply card.... THAT is rude.
Unfortunately, as accommodating as it sounds like you have tried to be, it also sounds like you made some decisions to "help" the family without their input. I have found, many times, that changing MY plans to suit what I THINK will be better for someone else, doesn't always work out so well. It is better if you discuss up front with them that you are "thinking of doing _____, would that help you?" and get feedback first, before changing things around. What's done is done, though, live and learn, right?
Congratulations on your pending nuptials.
You are not wrong that is VERY RUDE i think. If it were me i would not of changed my wedding time because it is more important to you than them any ways
Oh you poor thing! I am so sorry.
You know....book the hotel even if you have to pay for it.
This is your special day and you only get married once (hopefully).
Enjoy it. This day is about you and your fiance.
Not the entire extended family.
You have one time in your life to have a celebration of love be exactly how you want it. You do not get a "do over" of this day w/this man!
Have it as you like it. If people don't like the time/place, forget them.
It's not about them.
It's about you.
I would not have them stay w/you. You will be tired and they are infringing!!! Good luck honey. Enjoy your special day! :)
Not responding is definitely rude. Not staying for the whole thing/overnight is either rude or a message, depending on how you look at it. It's not rude to not stay overnight for someone's wedding but it does indicate how much they care. Don't let it ruin your day or event. Be glad you don't have to rearrange your home and make them breakfast and don't go out of your way for them for now on...
Only caveat is if they have young kids who won't sleep well and they can't afford a hotel. So if they stay with you, they're all exhausted. If they stay in a hotel, it's a budget breaker. Then it may just be circumstances and they're not easy going people and don't mean to be rude.
Let this go and enjoy your wedding and celebrate with the family that sticks around, Maybe their kids are terrors when they get tired. Maybe they wont sleep anywhere but home, Maybe they are whiny and clingy around crowds. Maybe the adults are having marital problems they dont want to share. We dont know. Wait till things calm down after the wedding and invite Just that family to come visit
Maybe they don't want to leave their small one with a sitter/stranger or they don't want to pay for one or stay with other family members other than you,or they don't want you to have to entertain them and their children on your wedding night. I can't believe people are spending the night in your home and not offering to babysit while you get a room.
I don't think you are out of line. They should have responded to your requests. You are the one who is getting married, you have things planned so that your special day is perfect. This situation falls into that category in my opinion. They should understand that and respond. I don't think that this has anything to do with small town thinking/big town thinking--it's just plain rude.
Small town or not this is a little rude. I'd balk at my husband if he insisted we do this! Especially since you are OFFERING to get 2 sitters to let them have fun?! Is it too late to change the time of your wedding. That was your first mistake, change it to when YOU want it.. This is YOUR day screw them and their preferences. Please do this for yourself! This is your wedding day and you don't want to regret having it just the way you wanted.. you only get one (presumably:) )!
My husband lived in Saint Louis for years and years, then we moved here (almost to Kansas City). He still has his very best friend who lives in Saint Louis. We invited him, his wife and their 3 kids to our daughter's Birthday party a few week ago. It is a 4 hour drive to our town. They drove here, stayed for the party, and drove back home.
I know it's a totally different situation- and in this one I understand because he (husband's friend) works at Boeing and they work crazy long hours. I think if it was our wedding I would have expected them to stay all evening atleast. If they wanted to head back at midnight or whatever that's fine.
I think you are allowd to feel upset. Is the rest of his family atleast staying? Just his brother, wife, and kids are leaving that night?
Personally? I think they are being rude and cheap...how wonderfully sweet of you to change the time so that they could be accommodated!!!
it really torques my chain when people don't RSVP!!! URGH!!! I try really hard NOT to assume anything...because we all know what happens when one assumes!! :)
Any way - I don't think you are out of line - this is a SPECIAL OCCASION!!! It's a wedding!! They really should pony up and stay the night!!!
Sounds like you, on your own, changed your plans to benefit these people. They didn't ask you to do it and therefore probably are not even aware of the inconvenience for you.
I suggest that one should never make plans to make someone else happy unless that person requests something specific and they're important enough to you that it makes you happy to do it.
Take care of yourself. Is it too late to change your wedding to the time you want it? If not I'd do that. Then let them know what you've planned and what you're willing or able to do as far as accommodations go. You take charge and you'll feel less cranky.
It's my motto to please myself first unless I know for sure I can do something to please someone else as well as myself. Especially, for something as important as your wedding, you should be happy. You and your fiance' are the ones to please first.
Yes, I'd be cranky. And I'd learn from this that not everyone is the same as me. You like to visit in their homes. Apparently it's not important to them. It doesn't mean they don't love Troy and thus you. It just means they're different.
When they didn't answer re: babysitting, why continue to bug them? Make your plans based on your needs. I think you're trying too hard to please which gets old after awhile.
If you're taking the whole day to visit and not enjoying it, don't do it. Whatever you do, do it for yourself first. Don't assume someone else wants you to do something. Only make accommodations based on stated wishes. Did they say they only wanted to stay one night? Sounds like all that was important is the pool.
