Should I Be Concerned?? - Minneapolis,MN

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Sounds like you are exhausted and don't take care of yourself. You need to get sufficient rest, regular meals, and take a good vitamin...I can recomment Oligo if you are interested.

As for the chores and kis, remember that you are not Superwoman and can't be all the time. Tell you husband all that you do and that you need his help...you are flattered by his belief that you can but you are tired and need his help. Some suggest a chore list but even if you don't use one you need to divide some things up. You said your husband works second shift but you didn't say what his actual hours are so you need to work something out with him. Since your kids are at daycare, he should be able to take care of some household chores while he is home without the kids...after all, you do them with the kids. Also, everyone should be able to pick up after themselves.

You don't say what your work schedule is. Why is he not caring for the children, instead of being in daycare, while you are working? I agree that you should just stop taking care of his needs if he won't listen to reason, don't pick up after him, don't wash his dishes or do his laundry, don't cook for him. And I definitely second the advice that you need to drop everything in his lap the next chance you get and sleep and stay in bed.
I went through this with my husband after our third child was born. I was totally exhausted and begged him to help and stay home from work a few days. I told him if he didn't, I would go to my mother's or his mother's and stay until he was willing to start doing his fair share. He got the message. All it took was one three-day stint of me being in bed and him taking over to teach him (and I was a SAHM!).

Wow! You need a big ole break!!! First of all, I think you have to whatever you can to simplify. Something I used to do and sometimes still do is only plan like four meals for the week. I make enough to eat two nights in a row. Like spaghetti and corn on the cob. Super easy meal, saves well, make up enough for two days and there you go! That way I was only cooking every other day. It was amazing having days I knew I would just have to go home and heat stuff up. Also, maybe get online and look up slow cooker meals. There are things you can cook in one pot all day and have dinner waiting when you get home and then same thing, serve it two days in a row. Maybe have a package of frozen rolls in the freezer and all you have to do is pop them in the oven and serve up dinner. Also, paper plates are a life saver!!! I realize they are not the most enviro friendly but hey in certain seasons you do what you gotta do!! Serving up nice heated up leftovers on paper and then just throwing it all away is amazing! Giving myself permission to use paper sometimes has reduced my load tremendously at times. Also, when you need something, do you ask hubby. Not having a big talk necessarily but just saying "Honey I am going to clean the kitchen, can you give ______ their bath?" I find asking for exactly what I need, one time, works. When you start to feel completely over loaded ask the hub to do one thing to get that thing off your plate. Mine will always do that. I have learned to not take it to heart if he seems annoyed, it is just a man thing, as long as it gets done, so be it!! Also on the weekends, I don't cook much. I might cook once, but we go out once and I cook once and the rest of the time everyone, except the kiddos is on their own for food. I don't mind making a bowl of cereal for my man or anything, but I don't make any big production out of cooking for sure. Anyway, that is what I do. I just started this thing called e-mealz, you can look it up, it gives you a 7 day meal plan and a grocery list and the budget is about $80 for a family of four. It costs $5 a month. I like it and it has lots of tasty easy recipes. I use it some and do my own thing some, but it takes the brain work out of the question, "what am I cooking tonight??" I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You are TIRED and you need help. If you get any complaint on using paper or eating leftovers often, just point out that the kitchen is open for anyone who wants to cook!!;) Hang in there!!

YOu poor M.. You are exhausted. After all you described, a 6mo old and a 3yr old, that's work, plus work full time. I know I was tired with child 1, but when child 2 came, I was even more exhausted and even now hardly have time to eat properly. Take charge at leave babies with hubby for about an hour on the weekend even if he fusses. You need some time away!

If you fall ill and don't get out of bed for a day, that'll show him how much extra you do once he has to pick up all your slack. You are not his mother, but his partner. Sleep. Long and deep. Recharge yourself and let him run the ship for a few days. Friday after work hit the bed and don't get out till Monday morning. After that, give him a pointed look and tell him you need more help around the house because you are starting to get ill from exhaustion.

Yes, do go to your doctor. Another thing to consider is the toll stress takes on us. It's very real. The American Institute of Stress estimates that 80-90% of visits to primary care physicians are for stress-related issues.

From what you describe you have a lot going and the mounting tension and pressure along with fatigue only add more fuel and momentum - in the wrong direction. You must take care of yourself. I'm sure you've talked with him. Maybe some household things will have to go undone for awhile and as others have suggested, you may need to stop picking up after him and doing his laundry etc. Something needs to get his attention or the motivation is not there to make changes.

Hang in there. And DO take the time to take care of yourself. It really is imperative! - I learned the hard way as I was might-might and did it all - and then some. It caught up with me and has taken a good while to turn my health around. But I've done it!!! WooHoo!! - Let me know if I can help.

Best
S.

Sounds like it could be ppd, or just downright exhaustion which will wear you down and weaken your immune system. You need help either way you look at it. Sometimes doing a full blown strike is the only thing that will wake a man up. You both work full time, so household chores should be no more your responsibility then his. Quit washing his clothes, dont make sure meals are prepared for him, or foods that he wants are bought. Dont pick up after him. On the weekends, dont cook at all. Just feed your self and your kids, let him fend for hisself. You dont get weekends off, why should he? It may sound petty, but I've been through this with my husband, and talking didnt work either. Good luck honey :)

This happened to me several months back...You need to get in to you dr. to get a complete physical to rule out any serious issues. However, my own personal experience tells me you're 150% exhausted. You need to get yourself a good multivitamin, get yourself a great breakfast at the absolute least, and then try to eat the best you can the rest of the day. Sleep is super important. Remember, although we try to be, we are not "supermom". If you hubby refuses to help you and you are feeling too tired--then just don't do it. It can wait. Right now your health and your children are your main priorities and housework & other issues can wait. Feel better!

I think you're just exhausted. But you should still see the doctor about it. Just in case. New moms can get so run down. Hey, my kids can take care of themselves pretty much, but I have to leave for work at 6am and up at at least 5, kills me off. By 7 at night, I'm draggin.
Being a mom is super hard, so you have to remember to take care of yourself first. Your husband could be helping you more but I don't know if thats a conversation you want to get into.
I would talk to your doctor first so that he can advise you on how to make things better.

I hope you get some answers and can feel better soon. I really do.

Oh my! You poor thing; you're obviously exhausted. Just reading your post made me exhausted. Something drastic will need to happen in order for your life to improve b/c you are doing too much. The more you do, the more your husband believes you can do it all fine on your own. It is hard to admit we sometimes need help, especially once you see how multitask oriented we moms become, but you will grow to resent your husband if he does not learn how to become a productive member of the family. You certainly don't want your children to grow up thinking the husband doesn't need to do anything for a family to grow. Would you want your son to be like this to his kids when he's older, or for your daughter to marry a man who'd rather relax while she is about to pass out from exhaustion? Likely, not. For your sanity & their understanding about what it takes for a family to function properly, he's got to learn to help you parent. He isn't to babysit; he is to parent & you both have that responsibility, equally. He isn't doing you any favors by watching the kids 1 day a week; this is what he's supposed to do every day of the week. Teens babysit, mothers & fathers parent.

Perhaps others have methods of getting this fact across to your spouse, I do not. Perhaps a professional would be best to address this issue, but for your sake, take some time to consider what your life will be like if you do nothing. You cannot go on indefinitely like this. There is no shame in asking family & friends for help, but your husband should be the first to give a hand, without you having to ask. Maybe his mother did everything when he grew up & doesn't know or care to parent as you do. Sadly for him, that option or choice no longer exists b/c you cannot go on like this without major consequences resulting on your health & marriage. To be a husband & father includes caring for wife & children. He needs a wake-up call from you. If you feel you cannot successfully approach him with your feelings, see a professional on your own first & make this your goal. You can do this. You must do it.

You are exhausted and stretched too thin.
Your husband does not help. Plus he is doing whatever he wants on the weekends.... what about you?

I would think, his Wife's health and well-being would be important.

NO MATTER how busy a Husband is and no matter if his wife is a SAHM or not... a Man/Husband is ALSO a Dad... and those are his kids too... and that is HIS house too... and as such, HE MUST HELP, too.
It is being responsible.

The more exhausted you get, then it naturally makes a person less patience, stressed, ill, catching more colds, and NOT healthy.
The simple solution to this is:
1) Your Husband help.
2) He REALIZES he is a PART of the family too. He is not single. He is not in a home with a 'maid' and instant entertainment whenever he wants and just goes out and has fun on his own, whenever he wants.
3) Having a family/Wife/Kids... means HE partakes in that too. He is not a single guy. THIS is responsibility. SHARED responsibility.
4) He HAS to be a "DAD" too. Those are his kids too... it does not mean just babysitting on Fridays. That is ONLY 1 time a week. Isnt' he a Dad 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Seems like he is not. HE picks and chooses when he is a "Dad" and Husband. Sorry, that is not the way life is.
5) Tell him to grow up. He is being SELFISH and lazy.

6) Sit down with him. Tell him this. Show him my posting if you want. He is being REALLY REALLY rude and selfish and meanwhile, you, His Wife... is becoming unhealthy. Doesn't he care about that?

7) HE has to be an INVOLVED Dad... not just babysitting 1 time a week. How lazy. REARING children... does not mean, only taking care of them 1 time a week or just playing with them. It means, being INVOLVED in their DAILY lives... teaching them things, disciplining them, talking with them, nurturing them etc. HOW can he be "a really great Dad"... like you said, if he is only babysitting 1 time a week? That is not being a "Dad."

You are NOT the "main caregiver"...... because, HE IS A PARENT TOO. So, HE is a "Caregiver" too. He needs to realize that.

Tell your Husband, you have to go to the Doctor, because you are exhausted BECAUSE he does NOTHING around the house nor with the kids... and it is now affecting your health.

If you get severely exhausted, and your Doctor orders rest etc., then what? WHAT the heck, will your Husband do then?
Being a "Husband" means ALSO taking care of his Wife... and the family. Taking care of a family and a Wife, does not mean just working and so then the Man is exempt from everything else in the home and with the children.
Being a "Man"... means, being an involved PARENT and Husband... not the woman doing everything.

The solution is: Your Husband needs to step up.
You do not exist alone. This is his concern too...after all, you are his Wife.

all the best,
Susan

T.,
You poor thing! You need a little TLC! You sound just like me one year ago (kids the same age) but with the exception that my husband was (and still is) helpful around the house. And even with his help I was still exhausted so I can only imagine how worn out you must feel. You have nothing left to give! You have multiple reasons to be exhausted and overwhelmed. I know how hard it is to just eat a reasonably healthy meal, but that might be one of the best things for you (that and drinking water). It sounds like you may be slightly anemic. I was and didn't even know it. I was taking a multivitamin, but still needed more iron in my diet. Eating foods higher in iron and eventually eating a little bit better did help. Eventually the light headedness and shortness of breath subsided. Check out this website http://www.fatfreekitchen.com/nutrition/iron-deficiency.h...
Do the symptoms sound like what you are experiencing? A simple blood test by your doctor would tell if you are anemic but you could start eating the recommended foods now and see if it helps. I wish you more sleep, a few minutes to eat each day and a great big hug! Hope you get the care that you need for yourself - not only do you deserve it - you need it!

It's all 3, ppd, virus, exhaustion. If your husband works 2nd shift have him get the kids ready in the am & let him take them to daycare in the morning, that will relieve a lot of your stress. Then give him 2 things to do everyday before he goes to work like dishes, bathrooms, pick up toys, vacuum, put away laundry. He may do a half assed job or throw a big temper tantrum but that's o.k.

Men take advantage of us woman because we can multitask & we like to think we are superwoman, but then we wear ourselves out & almost no husband will take care of us or tell us to relax they will take care of it. So do something about it now.

I know I don't need to tell you this but you do need to take care of yourself better. Your immune system definitely can be effected by lack of sleep and a poor diet. The fact that you pretty much have an endless cold (an exaggeration, I know, but close), is not good. If you aren't already, start taking a really good high-quality multi-vitamin to help fill in the nutritional gaps. They do have one specifically formulated for immunity support at Whole Foods. You may want to give that a try.

As for your husband, you probably can't change him. You probably can't change him unless he wants to change and that probably won't happen unless there is some benefit that he can get from changing. You can always try sitting down with him and discussing with him how best to divide up the chores and posting your daily or weekly list on the refridgerator as a reminder to him about what chores he agreed on and should be doing. You can also, if you have it in your budget, hire a housecleaning service to come in periodically to deep cleaning so you can have a little less responsibility on your shoulders.

I hope that you and your husband will be able to work this out. It's not good to be carrying such a heavy load and be exhausted all the time.

Wishing you all the best.

First, I also suggest you make an appointment with your doctor. It sounds like you are worn out and that does cause medical conditions that require treatment.

As others have said, your health and well-being has to be your first priority or you won't be able to take care of your babies. Be sure that you eat at least 3 good meals a day and that you get enough rest. That you drink enough water. Keep a water bottle with or near you at all times. I also recommend taking a good vit/min supplement. That should be your number one priority. If you do those things you will be able to care for your children. As you've seen, not taking care of yourself does put your ability to care for them in danger.

You cannot change your husband but you can change yourself so that your husband has to change or be miserable. Your post sounds like you're trying to do it all. You cannot do that. You've tried talking with your husband and that hasn't worked. Now it's time for you to reorder your priority list. Some things do not have to be done.

I don't suggest a strike. I tried that with my husband and he didn't even notice. lol I do suggest leaving tasks that are obviously his responsibility for him to do. It may seem that to not do your husbands laundry is a strike but it's really letting him know that doing his laundry is an act of kindness on your part, an optional thing that you do for him.

I know one couple, who have no children, and he does do all of his own laundry, cooks for himself when she's not feeling like cooking and doing the dishes when she doesn't want to do them. They don't even necessarily eat at the same time tho they could. He also picks up after himself and vacuums. He figures that he causes as much dirt/dust on the floor as she does. When he lived alone as a single man he did all of those things for himself. Why should he expect her to do it all now?

I'm telling you this, not to say that your husband should be helping, but to tell you that you should stop expecting yourself to do all the work. He would be doing it all himself if he were single. You're kind to do things for him. Let him experience the lack of your doing them. And when he asks or complains, lovingly remind him of just that.

I also like the idea of asking him for help, one task at a time. I suggest that when you talk about helping with everything, he is overwhelmed and on some level doesn't understand how he can help. He's stuck in the status quo. Also, he likes it that way. He will object when you change your expectations and change the way you do things. It's called a "change back" attitude and includes some outrageous behaviors. If you were in counseling the therapist would tell you to ignore his reaction and continue to be strong doing what you know is right to do.

To make this work you will need to let go of some of your expectations for the way a household should be run. I learned over the years that I'm a perfectionist. I forced myself to wash dishes every evening and didn't go to bed until they were done. I vacuumed every weekend even if it missed out on doing something I'd have fun doing. Changed the sheets every week. Did laundry every week. Dusted every week. Folded clean clothes and put them away. On and on; I had a list of things that had to be done on a time schedule or I was cranky and angry with everyone who didn't help me. We were miserable.

After my daughter was gone and my marriage over, I finally learned that chores do not take such a high rank on my priority list. I'm nearing the end of my life. Perhaps another 20 years but when I think back on the past 69+ that's not very long. Your babies are growing every day. Enjoying them should be your top priority. Yes, you do have to do certain chores in order to take care of them but you'll be surprised how unimportant a really clean house is when you stop focusing on making it really clean. Two to 3 days of dirty dishes in the sink fills the dishwasher in one session. I learned how to stack the dishes so that they fit compactly in the sink with perhaps 10 minutes spent tidying up the kitchen. A friend, put them in a tub and put them in the oven. We both felt best with some organization but discovered that when we didn't focus on the issue of dirty dishes they lost their importance.

My mother was both physically ill, tho we didn't know that until many years later, and depressed. She spent days and then months in bed, coming out only for the bathroom or when everyone was gone. We learned how to fend for ourselves. My Dad had to help out. I'm not suggesting that you go to that extreme but I am urging you to not get up some of the time which will require your husband to take care of the kids.

It will take time for him to adjust and for you to accept what he does even tho it's not to your standards. Both of you will be angry. Perhaps you will need the anger to set that boundary and he'll have that "change back", I'm not accepting this anger. Stick with it. Both of you will eventually get it worked out.

Perhaps it would help you to get some counseling to provide support for making the changes you can make. The changes in yourself, your attitude, your expectations, and above all in what you do and don't do while learning to take care of yourself.

Get to your doctor right away in case it is ppd. And get your husband into marriage counseling with you. His behavior is ridiculous. Has it always been this way? Or did he get lazy right when you needed him?

First ask your mom or other family members to come and help with housework.

Second, TELL everyone--family, friends, neighbors-- that you may have ppd. Don't keep it a secret. Don't be embarrassed. Everyone goes through this! You aren't alone! Go ahead and cry and always ask for help. It will come!

When dealing with men, tell your husband what you want him to do. Women must be very specific with men. For example, you can't say: "please clean up the kitchen." Too vague. Say, "Please empty the dishwasher, put the clean dishes away, and put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher." When he does the littlest helpful thing, thank him. Also, don't expect him to remember to repeat any task every day. You will need to repeat a specific request every time you need it. It's not fair, but that's how men are (sorry, male readers, if I'm overgeneralizing about men--but this is my experience with the men I know!)

I don't think men are out to take advantage of us. I think that their brains are just wired differently.

Otherwise tell your husband that he needs to shell out $xxx/month for a housecleaner. Now. That will get his attention.