How Helpful Are Yous Significant Others?

It's just not in a man's genes to do this kind of thing. I think he is doing pretty good though - ALL of the cooking and taking care of the kiddos. I think men will help around the house if you are very specific with what you would like them to do. I know my husband will do whatever I ask of him, I just need to remember to ASK! Good luck!

It boggles the mind why men don't help out their wives more. Why have a resentful wife who loses the affection she feels for her husband when just helping out around the home, which they would have to do anyway if they weren't married and living alone, leads to a happier, less stressful homelife and they would have more time to spend with the woman they professed they loved?

He sounds like he thinks he is doing a lot, and compared to many he is!! Casually ask him to move the laundry from wash to dryer, and maybe bring it upstairs as you are leaving to go grocery shopping or some other errand. Give lots of props...they will not take hints, and respond well to small manageable lists (perhaps have a list of things-to-do for yourself, and ask if he'd like to bang a few out. Men are task oriented, and enjoy completion of tasks. They do want to help, but it would be unrealistic to expect that they will know what needs to be done. They do not see messes like we do. Remember what men's bathrooms look like when they are bachelors?? Eww. Enjoy, and try not to sweat the small things :)

I just wanted to add, maybe it is time to sit down together and negotiate who does which tasks each day/week. Your husband may feel more motivated to take on more chores when he gets to help decide. It is possible that you two have different standards for cleanliness- he might think everything is just fine! (My husband and I are well matched in this regard- we're both slobs! So, we both have had to step up to the plate more these days to keep things a bit cleaner for the sake of our daughter.)

I have 3 kids and have been married for a while, just remember that men can not multi-task. Trust me when I say being a good dad is everything. The household chores are always going to come down on us women. I am always telling mine to do stuff, sometimes it is easier to do it yourself. Men just do not think like us women.

Hi H.,

I am sure you'll get many mixed reviews on this one. From my experience, even though I am a SAHM, when Hubby gets home from work, it's an equal partnership. I saw somewhere that when men leave their jobs, they are done, but a stay at home mom (full-time) never leaves their "job" all day/night because it's 24/7. :) So I don't feel bad or guilty about asking him to help out at all if it's needed, but the best thing is, I rarely ever have to ask, he just does which is awesome. He'll help with the kids, take out the trash, I will remove it from the trash can and replace the bag, but when it comes to actually bringing it to the curb, that is all him. And there isn't a request that needs to be made about that. He'll help clean up the house. I've actually banned him from laundry so I don't mind taking on that task by myself, it ensures non-shrinkage of clothes and also clothes that come out as they should. :) I know it's tough and "talking" can be difficult. But it should be 50/50 and it mostly should be that when it comes to a baby. You've both made this child so the care should come from both of you and not always be leaning more to one side than the other. It's exhausting doing it all by yourself and it shouldn't be that way either. Everyone makes their own choices and being a lazy bum shouldn't be one of them nor should it be accepted. :) Good luck.

Be grateful that he cooks and does do things around the house. My husband sonetimes cooks, almost never cleans, puts a dish in the dishwasher, takes out the trash (which usually ends up packed full before I take it out. We had an agreement when we were dating...He cooks, I clean; he doesn't cook I don't clean:) but I can't stand a messy dirty house so I normally get the short end of that deal. He is great with our daughter an does a lot of the outside work. The bond that the two of them have is worth every minute that they have together. I try to overlook the "small things" that do bother me. Once I went on a trip for 4 days. My hunny decided to surprise me and clean. Well the short story is he vacuumed the living room carpet, (not the bare floors around or any other room), put dishes in the dishwasher and ran it, but left them for me to unload; and spent 2 and a half hours cleaning the stove top. He remarked that it was a lot of work and wouldn't be doing anytime soon again. It was the thought that counted so...The best part was that he said he missed me and appreciated the "little" things I did and all the work that I put into it. So be grateful for the small/little things that he tries to do. It could be worse where he doesn't do anything - like spend time with your child/ren.

He definitely should help with the housework since you work. Even if he does work outside the home, he should be doing more because you do work! I would ask him nicely if he could do certain chores during the day. Maybe he just needs some direction...some guys do!

This is a similar problem at my house UNLESS I ASK. I think men in general don't always initiate those things - not because they don't want to do it, but they don't always think of it. My husband has specifically asked me to write him a list and he'd be happy to do whatever - but if there is no list or I'm not there to ask, it generally doesn't get done. I don't think it's intentional, but it does aggravate me that I have to think of "everything". Maybe your son's dad is the same? Would he do better with a list? I'm terrible about WRITING THE LIST because it's just one more thing TO DO! ha ha.... good luck.

It has been my experience that things stay the same after the baby. My husband doesn't cook or clean, I've always done it. When we both worked outside of the home and after we started working from home, nothing changed. When our child was born we continued on the same as we always have.

The only thing that really bothered me was that I always had to change the diapers. It was my hope that since I was the one feeding (nursed-no bottles ever) he would do the changing. I even kept a list going of every diaper he changed for the first 12 months and it was less than 20. Seeing that list did make a difference and he started pitching in on diaper duty. AS our daughter got older he told me if I left clothes out the night before he'd get her changed in the morning, that was a big help.

But I still do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and 85% of the child care. Plus I have my animals and own/operate a business.

The one thing he ALWAYS does that I hate doing is getting the kid into/out of the car seat. He has been doing this for a long time and it's a BIG help to me. Whether it's pouring rain or freezing cold I get to sit in the car while he fusses with the straps!

Hi there,
I'm also a part-time RN nights and a full-time mom. I struggle with similar things at home. Well, I can't even get him to load the dishwasher. I cook, clean, do the bills, trash, school work with the kids, etc., etc..About once a month he'll go through the house and tell me how messy it is while he cleans, but that's about it. I find it frustrating. If you get any good idea's on how to enlist help please forward it...

Wow, I would have loved to get that much help from dh. Mine, great with the kids, but leaves a path of destruction behind him, and if I don't leave cooked food ready, orders takeout.
I would say perhaps a talk about expectations from both of you. He is exhausted I bet too, and perhaps you can align better with what the needs are for both of you. I know for us, talking to a therapist helped a lot. I think when everyone is as exhausted as you get with little ones, it is easy for resentment to be harbored, passive aggressive moves are made, scores to be kept, and that isn't healthy for a relationship, and that long term, is the most important thing.

Good luck.
D.

Ah, the exhausted years. It does get better as the children age and can help with the household chores (with direction and constant management from the parents :) In the meantime though, step back and ask yourself how he was raised. Did his Mom do everything? Well, times have changed, men's roles have changed, and so have women's. Together you need to reset your family's expectations. 50/50 is the best way to go so nobody's harboring resentment. But you've got to talk about it and really get his buy-in up front. Realize that he's rarely going to be thinking what you're thinking, so if something needs to be done then politely ask him to do it. To my surprise, every time I ask DH to help, he does -- I just needed to wake up and ask instead of feeling like it was all up to me to get it done!

Now that my kids are 10 and 14, we get through the chores during the week on the fly since we're on the go a lot (i.e., sometimes the house looks like a bomb went off!). On the weekends it helps if we make a list together of everything that needs to be done by each person, from the daily chores to the special projects to the fun stuff (have them tell you what they need to do, their participation in setting expectations makes it that much more real to them; fill in the gaps with them if they've missed something). Be sure to schedule in time for each of you to do your own thing -- self preservation is key! We all get distracted, but having the list gives you an easy way to redirect efforts without getting hostile. And when it's all done it gives everyone a great sense of accomplishment!

Men are such different creatures from us, but together we make a pretty good team if we keep talking honestly and respectfully. And just think what a good model you'll be setting up for your son and daughter to take with them when they leave home! It won't all change overnight and you'll have to come back to reset every once in a while but share what you're both feeling, evenly distribute the load, and you'll all be much happier! Heck, none of us knew what we were really getting into when we started a family, we just need to be willing to constantly adapt to the journey, especially during the exhaused years with young children.

Hang in there, and good luck!

My husband has always been helpful but I was on bedrest several times during my second pregnancy and he had to take over EVERYTHING and did a fantastic job. It was somewhat of an eye opener for him - realizing how much I do to take care of our household. Wonderful as he is, one of the things he didn't seem to get after my son was born was how tiring it is getting up all night. I was breastfeeding so there wasn't much he could really do, but once I started pumping and went to bottles, he decided to give me a 'free' night where he got up with our son the whole night by himself (thinking it wasn't as big of a deal as I said)- another eye opener! The next morning he said he was SHOCKED at how tiring it was. From that point on he decided I was no longer going to be getting up with my son all night by myself so we started taking turns. So my advice would be to try to get your husband to put on your shoes for a while (if he's willing) so he can see what it's like from your end. This may make him want to help out more if he can see what it's like from your perspective. Now my husband gets up with my son every morning while I sleep which leaves me more energy once I wake up for making lunches and getting both kids out the door. He makes his bottles every night. He does the laundry and takes care of the trash. Sometimes he cooks on the weekends so we'll have dinners ready for the week. What he does really allows me to focus more on taking care of the kids versus worrying about the house. Your husband is certainly capable of this as well - he could think about it this way - if you're happier, then HE will be happier!

Hi H.,
I talk about this with my sister all the time. Not to belittle men's talents, but in many ways they are simpletons, and THEY NEED TO BE TOLD OR ASKED EVERTYING. It doesn't matter if they saw how happy you were about something the last time they did it; they don't remember. Someone else said they're like dogs, it's true! If you wait for your partner to learn or become accustomed to a routine, you may be heartily disappointed at best and downright frustrated at worst for a long time. I could be wrong, but it seems to have been most people's experience including my own. Sadly, you are going to have to ask, ask, ask, and keep asking your partner to do the things you want him to do to collaborate in his fair share. Try not to get emotional about it; it doesn't help.

Men can and should be held accountable for their share of the housework but it's really not worth fighting over (although sometimes we can't help it). It helps to keep it unemotional and matter of fact, just a statement of what needs to be done and expectation of the same, since "he's not a mind reader" if it helps to put it in those terms for him. [BTW, I've found this to be true with emotional needs as well.]

I find that my husband and I really do the housework as we feel like it. For example, he will get on a kick and do the laundary and then I will get on a kick and do the dishes. Otherwise we both have our things that we do often. His is dishes and mine is picking up toys and sweeping the floor. The house stays decent all week, but then on the weekends we work together to get it really clean (well as clean as my house is). This method seems to work for us, but it doesn't gaurentee a spotless house all the time, but then whose house really is?

Well you should be lucky he does all that he does. I am SAHM and I do everything but take out the trash. I care for the kids plus watch my friends son during the day, take care of HIS dogs, laundry, dishes, all the cooking, and all the cleaning. If you feel he needs to do more than ask him could you do a load of laundry or pick up some of the baby's toys. and at the age of6 your SD can help with small chores my 7 yr old vaccuums the kids bedroom and makes his bed, and cleans up the toys.

I honestly think we all have this issue. I was just talking to one of my closest friends yesterday about this topic. The constant nagging to our husbands to take out the trash or help out now an again. I have to say I over the past few yrs I finally just said enough is enough and I can't do everything alone on top of taking care of a baby (which sometimes I felt alone with that too. I started laying down rules. You cook, I do dishes, you get trash, I get laundry. I am scrubbing floors you vacuum the rugs. when he neglected his half I started to ignore his stuff or pile it on his side of the bed (dirty clothes) when he asked why he had no clean clothes i would just simply say I washed everything in the hamper. This seemed at first like I was beating a dead horse but it finally started to work. I won't say that I am not still nagging (cause I do, a lot) but just keep reminding him that you can't do it alone and you need help.
Good luck with everything.

I have found with my husband a little praise goes a long way. For example if he cleans up the kitchen I make sure to tell him the next day what a huge help it was. It makes him feel appreciated and so he does it again! When he cooks dinner I tell him it's the best meal ever. Then he can't wait to cook for me the next time. When I nag him about doing things, he does less. Men are very simple. Just like having a dog...LOL!

First of all, I think we ALL have to get out of the habit of calling it "helping" when the SO does something. It's as if it's all YOUR job and then a generous or magnanimous husband or SO gets to feel like a big hero for doing something of his choosing during a convenient time frame, and expecting gratitude.

What your SO is doing is called PARENTING. It's not babysitting or "watching" the baby - that's what grandparents or hired sitters do. If your SO has a 6 year old child, then he should have six years of experience with this.

I think it's really important to appreciate what the other one does. Possibly he feels you don't appreciate the time & effort it takes to plan and prepare meals plus clean up. Obviously you feel he doesn't appreciate what it takes to tidy up and do laundry. It also sounds like you don't see each other that much, given your work schedules - so maybe there's some feeling that "I'm in this alone" on both your parts. Is there some old baggage from his ex and his feelings that there is stuff she didn't do? Maybe he feels like the financial provider there and it's up to her to do everything in the house? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because my first instinct was to criticize him.

I would suggest that putting in a load of laundry is EASY. Same with putting it in the dryer. It's the folding and putting away that takes the time. But it's a good "in front of TV" job after the baby goes to bed. My husband and I still do this together, and it just stops the complaining. It makes it easier to fold sheets and sort socks if there's a second person too. We also unload the diswasher together - he takes all the stuff that goes in the cupboards on the left of the dishwasher, and I do the right. If it would make a huge difference in your exhaustion and make you more available to him so you could have some couple time, that might be a good incentive.

The best thing to do, I think, is to switch jobs for a couple of days. It makes each one more aware of what it takes - things that look easy may not be, and things that look hard maybe can be streamlined. You may find that there are jobs you absolutely HATE, and he can take those on - and vice versa. Then you take the rest of the jobs and split them - either divide them up, or alternate. Also figure out what you can eliminate entirely, or simplify. Maybe you just don't make the bed every day. Maybe you get some baskets or bins in the family room or wherever the toys tend to accumulate, and stuff just gets tossed in instead of put away in a more organized way. Now that your child will be more mobile, the mess gets worse! We had a bin for "vehicles" (toy trucks) and one for "building things" (blocks & duplos) and didn't worry about sorting by each type of toy. Our son actually became more creative by combining toys in new ways - mixing train tracks with Duplo structures and cars, for example.

Now that you are working part time, he may feel you have to do more, and maybe that's okay. But also, just BEING with the baby is a job and very important. It's really important NOT to completely measure people what what evidence they can accumulate of having accomplished tasks.

If this doesn't work, then I would suggest you go away for a day or two - visit a friend or a parent, and leave him to do everything! He also has a child, and I don't know if he sees her separately from your home life (if so, that "counts" as work he is doing) or if she comes to your house and you are doing everything.

Good luck sorting this out!

Hi H.,
My name is H. too! My husband and I have been blessed with 21 years of marriage. He emmigrated here to America from the Philippines when he was 15 with his family and has become an American citizen. We have two great kids; a 15 yr old boy & 12 yr old girl. My husband was raised to help around the house with his mom. He could not go out and play until he did his chores. He cleans, vacuums, shampoos the carpet, cooks, washes the dishes and even will do laundry on occasion. He used to do the garbage until our kids got old enough to help with that. He doesn't do the bathroom or dust, but, hey, I'll take whatever he's willing to do! :)
I admit that I had to train him a bit with the laundry, but he's much better than he used to be about it. We talk about how we are a team and we work together to get things done in the home. This philosophy has translated to our children and we all contribute to the family. Both kids take turns dusting, vacuuming, washing & drying dishes and cleaning the bathroom. I still have to work with them on doing laundry, but that's another story.
With your husband, if you both can sit down and talk about the housework together without making the other feel like they don't contribute,do so. Please remember to praise him for what he does do and let him know you appreciate it. Don't be afraid to tell him that you may need more help, but be patient with him. My husband & I had some doozies with our "talks". Communication is a skill that many take for granted and my husband and I have had to work at it and even after 21 years, we still are working at it.
Right now, my husband is out of work and I work 34 hours a week as a paraprofessional at our local High School. There are days when it is draining, so when I come home and the meal is cooked I say "Thank you, Honey!" and give my wonderful husband a kiss! :)
Best Wishes for many happy team-working years ahead!
Sincerely,
H. Y.

Marriage is a partnership, as is child-rearing within a marriage. Things should be split 50/50, as other posters suggest. My husband has always done his share--but we have always talked very openly about our feelings on things. Since our system is pretty haphazard (I cook, he cleans up, he does our laundry, I do the baby's laundry, otherwise it's whoever gets to it first,) this can lead to one doing more than the other occasionally. When this leads to resentment, we generally talk it out and readjust. Perhaps talking to your partner will help? Tell him how you feel about this--remind him that it is not your "job" to keep the house in order or care for the children--rather is is both of your responsibilities as partners and parents.

Good luck. :)

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