Should a 2 & 1/2 Year Old Attend a Memorial Service

It's a balancing act for sure, but I do not believe that children should be shielded from grief. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. I'm sure she already knows that something is up and knows that you are not yourself. We can model for kids a healthy expression of grief. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss someone that you love and who is now gone. It's okay to let it out and move on. If she knew her grandma and she loves her relatives I think it's okay to let her go and be with her family. If it'll upset you too much, then by all means keep her away, but make sure you don't shield all your tears from her. You miss your mom! Your daughter will understand because she would miss you if you were gone.

Dear R.,
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
These decisions are all so very personal, but I don't think you should take your daughter.
My aunt always said that when she died, nobody better dare cry. She lived a full and wonderful life. There wasn't anything she wanted to do that she hadn't. She was an adventurer, a traveler, an inventor, an entrepeneur, a writer, a notorious prankster. She had travelled the world.
At her very non-conventional service, people came from all over. And even as we tried to laugh through our tears remembering funny stories about her, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. We ALL cried.
There's nothing wrong with emotions and of course we want our children to know that, but a child this young won't understand so many people being sad at one time. She might start crying if she sees other people crying and bless her, she likely wouldn't even know why.

If you have made arrangements for someone to watch her for you to attend the service, I think you should stick with that. This was your mom.....I think you should be free to let your emotions out in whatever way they come. You don't truly know how things are going to hit you until they hit. And, you might need to leave the service and just let yourself have a really good cry before getting your daughter.

I wish you the very best and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Take care of yourself.

I feel that you should follow your gut feelings when raising your child. If you think that it may be too much for her, the get her a sitter. Also, this is one of those times that you need to think of you. Two year olds need entertained and taken care of or they begin to get into trouble. You would spend your entire time caring for her and not your own needs. You need this time to mourn your mother. This is as much for you as it is in rememberence of her life.

I wouldn't take her either. My mother passed away last fall, and I had a sitter stay with my 4 year old and then 1 year old for the visitations and funeral. I had a lot of people ask me why they weren't there, and I told them I didn't want my husband and I to have to juggle two small kids (and my oldest dearly loved and missed his grandmother) with our grief, talking to people, etc. She did have a conventional funeral, and I also knew it would be an issue for my oldest son to see her in her casket.

Do what YOU feel comfortable with! You lost your mother, and you need to go with how YOU feel during this time. I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with the other moms, nobody knows your baby like you do, she doesn't need to be exposed to tears and you should be free to cry if you need to.
Give your self some time to heal and when you are ready you can take your daughter and explain her and remember good memories of grandma.
There are out there some great books for kids.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother suddenly about 6 weeks ago.

We had a memorial service for her. My 3-year-old son stayed with a relative, but my 2 1/2-year-old neice attendend the service. My mother was cremated, so there was no body in a casket. I personally did not want my son there only because he would have had to be tended to and my husband and I would not have been able to visit with those who came to the service. I needed to be "there" 100% for my family. My son didn't know he was missing out on going to some event. My neice was there with her parents and 3 older sisters to tend to her. She did well.

IMO, it is TOTALLY up to you whether you want your daughter there or not!!!! It does not matter what anyone else thinks you SHOULD do!!!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. :)

First let me offer my condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I do believe in taking children to memorials if they are old enough to at least understand what is going on.

However- you say it will be a 'celebration' of your mother's life and even if your daughter does not completely understand what has happened, she may remember some of this event and remember saying a good bye to her grandmother along with the rest of the family.

Some people find it comforting to see children and younger relatives at these occasions- life and family go on. If your daughter attends, perhaps she could come for just part of the memorial?

Have your sitter dress appropriately and come with her, or ask a cousin or other relative to be responsible for your daughter during the memorial so that they can take her home if she gets tired or upset. Many funeral homes and other places have a 'childrens' or 'family' room now for younger family members as well.

If you really think it will just make you feel worse or more upset, then don't do it. This time is difficult enough for you without making it harder on yourself. In the end just do what you feel is best. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.

R.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. Although it's healthy for children to see emotions, a service of this nature will be a bit overwhelming for a child this age.

Best wishes

If you are having your celerbration of life at a church, can your daughter play with the sitter in the nursery, and then join you for the family snack/dessert time after the service. My mother in law passed away a couple of months ago and we had her celerbration of life last week and that is what we did and it worked great and made everyone happy.

.

A few thoughts...

first, it might be nice/therapeutic for everyone else to have a toddler as a diversion. however, this might also be something that people resent...I don't know exactly what you have planned for the memorial or what mood you are going for.

your daughter won't benefit in any way from being there - she is too young and probably isn't all that interested in what will be going on. it might be a bit selfish of others to expect that she come and behave...she probably would be better off not attending.

Is the event only for family? if not, will there be a family-only gathering? It may be more appropriate to bring her to that.

I don't think that it is inappropriate to bring her, I just am not sure that it is really in anyone's best interest...

Just reading your post makes me teary. I am so sorry for you loss, mothers a special thing and I'm sorry to hear that you have lost yours.

I think you really know best in this situation. It being your mother places a whole new spin on the situation and my advice is to do whatever will make YOU happy/calm/okay. If you would rather her not see you at these moments, and I would think everyone could understand that, then I feel it's okay to leave her with a sitter. My daughter will be 3 in a few months and I think she would feel confused and frightened by the situation, especially if I were upset. When kids see their moms get emotional, it can really scare them. I would say, though, that if you are having any sort of luncheon or reception afterwards, you may want to have the sitter bring her to that. I would keep the sitter around so that you don't have to be totally "on duty" but can interact with everyone and your daughter but still have a back up person.

First of all, let me tell you how very sorry I am for your loss...it is never easy to lose a loved one...no matter what the circumstances or how well "prepared" you think you are.
I would do whatever you feel is the best for you and your daughter in this situation and I would not let the rest of your family make you do anything that you aren't comfortable with. I have never taken a child as young as your daughter to a funeral, my oldest daughter was 6 when my Father passed away and she was old enough to understand and ask questions and participate in the funeral. She did have some rather interesting questions about why she could still see Grandpa lying in the casket, when we had told her that Grandpa had gone to heaven to be with God but we had anticipated this and had some really good discussions with her.
I do agree with the others who said that if you want to bring her to the funeral that you should have the babysitter come along to be primarily responsible for her....so that you can feel free to interact with people and let your own emotions go.
God bless you my dear

Updated

First of all, let me tell you how very sorry I am for your loss...it is never easy to lose a loved one...no matter what the circumstances or how well "prepared" you think you are.
I would do whatever you feel is the best for you and your daughter in this situation and I would not let the rest of your family make you do anything that you aren't comfortable with. I have never taken a child as young as your daughter to a funeral, my oldest daughter was 6 when my Father passed away and she was old enough to understand and ask questions and participate in the funeral. She did have some rather interesting questions about why she could still see Grandpa lying in the casket, when we had told her that Grandpa had gone to heaven to be with God but we had anticipated this and had some really good discussions with her.
I do agree with the others who said that if you want to bring her to the funeral that you should have the babysitter come along to be primarily responsible for her....so that you can feel free to interact with people and let your own emotions go.
God bless you my dear

I dont think it is appropriate. I think that you need that time to grieve and remember your mom and be with family, Its very important for the healing process. She also won't understand what is going on and could get very upset by everyone around her being sad. Its best to plan something fun for her to do during that time and if you want to do a little something with her to memorialize grandma then do it another time where its just you and her.
I speak of this from personal experiance from when my dad passed away. I was pregnant with my son and had a little girl at home.

I agree with you. Not only would your daughter not understand the situation but, you should be allowed to have your own time to remember your mother. Let your daughter have fun with the babysitter... It may only upset and confuse her to see all the people she loves crying and upset anyway. Best of luck. My heart goes out to you on the death of your mother. I've been there and I understand.

I agree that this should be a time for you to grieve for your mother. You can take her to your mother's grave site and have your own little ceremony, making it a special time for your immediate family. If there is no grave site, maybe take her someplace her grandma took her. Make it a sweet time for her, recall and remember how special your mother was to you and your daughter. You have my symphonies for loosing your mother. I was taken to grave sites as a young child when my grandparents died, and for some reason walking on the grass around the sites affected me. I to this day, don't like visiting any grave sites. I would make it as positive as possible for her.

I think that as the mom you know best. Having said that, was your little one close with your mom? Will she better understand that Grandma is in Heaven if she goes or if you just talk about it. I too am having to think out this issue and I think that my little one will attend my mom"s memorial. I know it is what my mom would want and I think it is what is best for my daughter.

Again, you are the Mom now. you know what is best for your daughter. You know what she (and you) will be able to handle.

You're the mom so it's up to you and your partner if you have one.

My husband's grandma passed away on the 4th and our newly 3 year old will attend the memorial. Ours will also be unconventional (it's in my in-laws backyard) and our daughter will mostly know that she's getting to see lots of family and that some people are sad because grandma died. She doesn't really understand what that means all the way, but we know the memorial won't be all tears so we're comfortable with taking her. I don't think I would take her to a more conventional funeral at a church though.

I agree with you. A 2 year old cannot sit still and should not be expected to. She will not know what is going on and I believe will be confusing for her.

I believe (unless it is a "fun" event) that it actually can be a little disturbing. try to put yourself in her (or a 2 year old's perspective) and see what she would be feeling.

If anything else it will give you time to grief without her there to keep your attention from your mom.

N.

Memory Eternal - I'm sorry for your loss.

Children I believe SHOULD be part of a funeral service. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but they need to know our life is temporary, and about God, and that are life isn't forever. A 2.5 year-old won't fully understand what it's about. But I believe you should share with her that her grandmother is no longer present in this life, and has gone on to the next one. Bring some things to divert her during the service (they usually aren't that long, in my experience). My own personal belief is you shouldn't hide any part of life from a child. They may grow up to be really scared about it later if you do.

In the Ancient Orthodox Christian church (beliefs nor practices changed in 2000 years), children have always been present at the funeral, and church services.

My condelences to you! From the bottom of my heart, i feel that you need to do what is right for you right now.
Personally my children did attend memorials for 3 elderly relatives i think my daughter was 1 1/2 yrs for the first and when my grandmother passed away last summer my daughter was 4 and my son 5. Each service was a little different, my kids did behave but only because we had lots of help distracting them, and i would like to think that my kids were a comfort to some of the relatives. My son did ask some questions like why did they put great nana in a box? but neither child had nightmares or seemed overly upset, I just explained that while we were happy for the relative that was in heaven now, the family was sad because we wouldn't get to see them anymore here on earth. Again these were all great grandparents to my kids, not my mother, so i think that is a big factor and if any one asks, just say YOU needed to celebrate your mother's life and felt that you and your daughter would both be more comfortable with her at the sitters. If it makes them feel better, say that you have picture and stories about grandma that you will be sure to share with your daughter.
In fact i was going to suggest, the funeral home, or any librarian should be able to help you find picture books about greiving that would be appropriate to share with your daughter, TearSoup i think is the name of one. Take care, sweetheart and all the best to you and your family during this time.

My condolences to your family.

I attended my grandfather;s funeral when I was about 3 years old. I remember knowing my grandfather was dead and in the coffin, and I was okay with that. It seemed natural to everyone to have me and other kids in the family to be there. I was well behaved, as far as I recall. Then again, we kids played together a little. When I look back on it, I am thankful I was there at such an important family event. Your daughter may be glad one day too.

Then again, it wasn't an overly emotional experience. It depends on what the experience is going to be like and on your daughter's personality as well. If it were me and my family, I would take the child there if I could be sure he or she would behave and not have a hard time.

May your mother rest in peace!

My father passed away 2 wks ago, I have a 16mo old and was in the same predicament. I don't think they should see the body, the viewing, cemetery, etc, but they should be with the family. Let your husband or another family member take turns in holding him and/or taking him away to the back of the church when you are not able to hold yourself together. Sorry for your loss.

My Dad and my husband's Dad passed away this past Dec and my kids are 9, 7 and 6. My husband and I decided that all of our girls are too young so they didn't attend. We were able to talk to our children without having them present. I feel that funerals are not the place for a child unless it is their parent or sibling that passed away.

Don't forget to take into consideration what is best for you on that day. If it would be best for you to get what you need emotionally out of your mom's memorial service without also having to be in actively in the mom role yourself, I think your plan makes sense. I don't necessarily feel that being around adults crying would be bad for her. Of course, I don't know her and I'm sure different personalities would deal with that differently but I think she would need someone helping her through the experience and I'm assuming most adults at the memorial service will be going through their own emotional experience in response to your mother's passing. All the best to you.

I tried to take my 4 year old to one of her previous teacher's memorial service. I felt it would be a good experience for her, etc. etc. WELL, she would NOT sit still & quiet for nothing! She was oblivious to what was going on. She just wanted to play & kept bugging me!

So, we had to leave early because I didn't want her to be disturbing those around us. If you don't think your daughter will stay quiet, then I wouldn't take her. She might keep others as well as you from listening to the service.

I would want to take my daughters (just 3 and 4). Especially since it is not traditional (no coffins and from the ones I've been to like this, just silent and happy tears -- celebrating the person they love). Some preparation explaining what's happened and what people might be feeling would help. If you really aren't comfortable though, it's definitely your call.

I think you should do as you see best.

Personally I take my son with me to wakes (and have since he was just a few months old... we've been going to at least one per year for the past 8 years)... but not funerals. My son has always had the best outlook on life and death of anyone I have ever known, I think in large part because he has had so much death in his life. He sees people both grieving, laughing, & celebrating... so nothing is "secret" or scary. Death is just another part of life. We will always love and miss the people who have passed before us, but while death is something to avoid, it's not something to be afraid of. We love and are loved.

There will always be people who question your choices. So do what you feel to be best, and at least one person will be secure and happy in that choice.

My condolences,
R