Setting Boundaries for My Crazy Mom

If you "exit" and she later asks why--can't you just tell her the truth? I think making excuses is almost a type of enabling the behavior to continue.
I hope you don't get too much drama. Good luck!

Answer honestly...."I needed a moment". Or you could say "I thought I saw someone I knew but I was mistaken".

Are we sisters? You just described my mother to a T.
What works for me is changing the subject. Yes, my mother then says, "Are you trying to avoid that topic? You just changed the subject!"
But I respond with an honest, "Yes." and move on. She then starts with the, "Well, I guess I'll just shut up then. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Since we can't talk about stuff like that anymore, I'm sorry I'll just sit here and not say anything."
I ignore that and continue with a new topic of conversation. If I try to address anything she just said it will lead to a fight and stress on my part, so I ignore it. If (or should I say when) she brings something up again in a few minutes I simply state, "I don't want to talk about that. Let's talk about something else like..."
Then she will realize that I won't be dragged into a fight. Sometimes she will still storm out of the house feeling extremely hurt for no reason, but that's not my problem. I just let her go and continue my good time.
You can't change her, you can't make her happy and you can't win. So just move on and let her be upset if she wants to.
Merry Christmas

Haha, I dont take my mom to other peoples houses or expose her to my husbands side of the family. She is nuts too and would want FULL attention from me the entire time.... so I just DONT GO THERE with her, that is one of my boundaries. I have learned to ignore her when she asks me stupid questions, I just change the subject or involve myself in something else and dont play her game. She gets the hint eventually, and might talk to herself for awhile at the back door... but she usually comes back to normal otherwise she knows I will march out and get in my car and leave. If we go down that road and I have to finally leave rather than fight with her, I just give her a quick kiss on the forehead and say I love you mom I'll see you next time. And I just get the heck out. She usually calls me within an hour and acts like NOTHING ever happened and asks me to pick up some milk for her or something like that.
You may have to treat her like you would an annoying 3 year old. Do not engage her when she starts going off the deep end with something unless you already have a perfect response in mind that would stop the runaway train. Silence is best for me on most of the occasions and switching topics.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! I also have toxic family (my side and his) and it is awful! As I get older, what I am learning from life is this - we don't owe ANYONE an explanation! Why? Because we are ADULTS living our own lives raising our own children, that's why!! Our parents aren't the only adults anymore - we are, too! So, when you return from your "escape," and when she asks you where you went or why you left, simply and calmly say, "I needed some rest" or "I went to lie down" or if you left the house, "I had an errand or grocery shopping to do." Keep it very basic and simple. If that answer isn't good enough for her, TOO BAD! So what if she doesn't like your answer! You can just say, "Well, that is what I did and I am sorry if you don't like my answer." If she won't let up, then leave again. If she still won't let up for the 3rd time, tell her that if she doesn't stop questioning you, she will have to leave.

If she won't stop criticizing you, simply plain out tell her that you and your family will NOT be spending the holidays with her, because who wants to be insulted on Christmas (and any day of the year, for that matter). Don't let her make you miserable on Christmas (and at all anymore). Simply and calmly tell her that you will not tolerate her criticizm anymore and if she refuses to stop, she will have to leave your house (or you will leave her house).

Other (and best) option - MOVE FAR AWAY FROM HER! THAT IS WHAT I DID WITH MY CRAZY CRUEL MOTHER!!! Best of luck to you!!

The boundaries are for you - what you are willing to get into and what you aren't.

So, if you need to leave the room for a minute (or an hour) and she comes back with "where'd you go?" You need to know what your answer is and stick to it. So if you're being honest, you could say "I was getting frustrated and I needed to cool off. I'm better now, so let's move on." Then, the really important thing is to NOT ENGAGE IN THE FIGHT. You know the fight "what were you frustrated with? I didn't do anything. You're too sensitive, etc etc." You just say "You asked for an explanation and I gave it. I am not going to fight with you." Over and over. Either she'll give up or leave. You can't have a fight with someone who won't engage.

If you can get into the right mindset, you might actually find that this makes you calmer, rather than more and more angry. Because _you_ are in control of the situation, not her. Don't try to explain why she's not being logical, don't try to get her to see your point of view. Just disengage (politely).

Refuse to let her ruffle your feathers. Focus on your kids and their joy and turn her into background noise. If she criticises your dinner, try to look through her rather than at her and talk to someone else.

I don't normally believe that "we let ourselves feel bad." I think that other people have a huge impact on the way that we feel. BUT, I also think that we can protect ourselves from emotional injuries that we know are coming. Armor up, leaving an open spot that's only big enough for your kids and partner.

Good luck.

Oh, I could talk to you for hours about this topic. I SO understand. No, reason and common sense don't work. But she can't fight if you don't engage. Pick a one sentence, simple response, and just repeat the same sentence if she wants to fight. Don't ever try to reason with her, as I'm sure you know.

And actually, sometimes I have escaped -- gone for a walk just to calm down. So, then you tell her, I went for a walk.

JoAnn C. has great advice. Also Grandma T's advice about treating her like an annoying 3 year old.

I have a family memeber who is also Narcisitic and unless people have had a relationship with one they don't understand how crazy they are! I have done lots of reasearch about how to have a relationship with one and from what I have is that there is really nothing you can do, other than not let yourself get too involved emotionally because they will explode at you, then act like nothing ever happened. What if you tell her you are sick? Like you have to keep going to the bathroom or something because you have a bladder infection, or the stomach bug? Good luck! There is lots of reading online that has helped me deal with this too.....its not like any other personality disorder. Good luck.

Tell her you needed a walk to get some exercise and fresh air. Or would she want to come along? Might it help to say to her"Mom, I have decideded I am not going to fight with you" and then maybe you won't explode? If you do explode, well, maybe that's not the worst thing....

prayer? meditation?

I have heard about a book on dealing with toxic people (yes, that's literally the term in the title); maybe that would help over the long term. Good luck!

I'm sorry S.. This is so difficult and you are to be commended for trying your best to continue such a difficult relationship. It's hard, but your recognize this is still your Mom.

I'm afraid this about talking yourself down. Try not to get to the exploding point. Keep reminding yourself she is not going to change and so you have to. I have given this suggestion before on this site and a good friend of mine, who is also a therapist, taught it to me.

Don't argue.....ever. Have an excuse ready of why you are leaving the situation. Say you got an important phone call about work, or had a stomach ache. Be prepared with an excuse. However, when your Mom starts to pummel you with advice about how you SHOULD be handling the situation just do what is called "fog."

For example:
Where were you?
MY PHONE VIBRATED AND IT WAS AN IMPORTANT CALL FROM A FRIEND....
You should not have answered as we are having dinner.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
That was rude of your friend and rude of you to get up from the table.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
I hate when you are so inconsiderate and when people do that. I like.....
THIS IS WHEN YOU JUST NOD OR SMILE.
Well this is unusual that you are taking your mothers advice.
KEEP SMILING.

Don't let her push your buttons, and have other family members (like your husband) ready to rescue you and change the subject. Plan it all out before, and plan limited time together. For example, just because your Mom wants you to go on vacation with her doesn't mean you have to, or it doesn't mean you have to stay in the same hotel, etc.... Plan accordingly. If your Mom is out of town.....Go visit your Mom but have an excuse why staying in a hotel is best. If she wants to come to you PAY FOR A HOTEL FOR HER. Tell her you want her to be comfortable.

Boundaries are your boundaries - it's the line she cannot cross and if she does you exit - the room or the house, you decide in advance. You might have boundaries about what she says to your kids or if she's harping on you or swearing. But if she's just crazy talking, as far as relating to someone with a personality disorder, try to validate what she is feeling even if it is way out there. Try to find something about what she said that you can agree with. Example: if she is complaining about a Christmas present she received and you know the person who gave it to her went out of their way to get it - don't try to defend the other person. You don't have to agree that the other person didn't do enough for her - just say something like "well, you're right, it's not your best color". (or some other small part you can agree with). After you've validated her, if all is calm, you can sometimes bring up logic and say things like, "well, you know she was out of work a lot of this year". Just validate first. Even if it's crazy. This will avoid a lot of fights because she'll escalate if you challenge her feelings (and they are real to her, even if they're crazy to the rest of the human race) and then you'll be at the boundaries constantly. But don't fear the boundaries either if she crosses the line. Good luck!

I'd probably take a book and linger in the bathroom for a bit. If she really wants to know the details of what you were doing, just say that you were in the bathroom. Hopefully, she won't press you for more details than that.

why you don't just keep saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"?

does she go with you to your in laws? i think you just need to make it short visits with her. tell her she can come for lunch but at 2pm you need to go to a friends house. and call her out on stuff when she says something inappropriate. if she is trying to pick a fight then say that to her...mom, are you trying to fight with me because i'm not having it so drop it. if she keeps on and is unbearable, why can't you just leave? i don't understand why if someone has a problem that we feel obligated to cater to them and hang around them when it makes us so unhappy. i'm sorry, i know she is family but if it's as bad as you say then you need to do whatever you need to to get it under control or simply don't be around it. it isn't good for any of you.

honey,, were you dropped on your head as a child ? you dont invite someone like that to dinner, univite her, just call her and tell her that everyone in the house has been vomiting for hours and you would hate to see her get sick, or in other words, lie. just come up with something plausible and tel her will call her later, then call your in laws and tell them the story that you told your mother, because you know she is going to call them to check out your story,
then go over to your in laws place with an extra batch of cookies, and a wink.and she will never be the wiser
K. h.

I also recommend the silent stare. You don't have to answer every question you're asked. Stare at her for a good minute or so and then change the subject.

i notice several people have suggested that the boundaries are for YOU. i fully agree. you can't force or manipulate her into behaving. if she's really as nuts as all that and cannot be reasoned with or dealt with in any logical fashion, all you can do is figure out coping strategies for YOURSELF.
your post looks as if you want advice that will be more helpful than that you have received in the past as far as figuring out how to get around her. but why do you need to give her a lame excuse? tell her the truth (i left because i needed a break from you, mom) and decline the ensuing argument.
if you can't evade it, discussing it with her won't work, leaving won't work, silence won't work.....well, i'm not sure what anyone can offer you. only you can figure out exactly what YOU need to do to cope. it'll probably end up being a custom-blended mix of suggestions you've had here.
but the bottom line is that the only behavior you can 100% control and direct is yours.
it sounds like a tense way to spend a holiday. i'm sorry, and hope you get through it all right.
khairete
S.