Seperation Anxiety or Am I Spoiling My Kids??

As soon as possible, I'd read "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg to help you out with the next one.
Toddlerwise and Childwise by Gary Ezoo will also help with the two younger kids. :-) Good luck!!

I recommend that you read the books by Dr. and Martha Sears.

I have three children, ages 16, 3, and 1. My oldest was easy...he didn't crave a lot of attention. My three-year-old was extremely needy. I bought a strap on carrier and wore him everywhere until he was a year old. It worked beautifully, no tears, and he is now a very independent child who also sometimes asks for "cuddle time". My youngest is one. She's happy so long as she's near me, so she's a little less clingy her brother. I usually have her sitting near my feet while I wash dishes...she loves playing in the pots and pans!

Every child is different, with different needs. Some of them need to know that you are right there. If you give them the constant reassurance they need when they are little, then as they get older, they feel secure. This leads to independence.

I absolutely do not believe in letting kids "cry it out" or that crying is just a normal part of a child's everyday life. My kids don't cry every day. I don't think they should. Not once they are old enough to tell you what they need, and not fall on their faces when they try to walk, anyway!

Think about it: they came pre-programmed as newborns to cry when they needed something. A deep, emotional and biological sense tells them that when they cry, their mommy will come help them. What happens when you don't? According to Dr. and Martha Sears, it makes them feel insecure, and while they will learn not to cry out for you in the short run, it will lead to emotional distance and possible problems with insecurity in the long run.

If you really need some time, it's Ok to set boundaries...you can say, "I have to do the dishes now. You can play here in the floor, but I can't hold you and I can't leave the room." If they cry, I'd suggest giving them a hug and a kiss on the head, offering a toy, and repeating your earlier admonition. They pick up on it eventually, without a lot of fussing.

It's not a terrible thing to have clingy children. They'll grow out of it far too fast. :)

Since they are all ages, beeen trained this way, etc. I would start slowly.

I trained mine to be happy with having to entertain themselves. Some did it naturally and were content babies. Some had to learn and were demanding babies.

So....for you I would say start with a chart. NOt a real physical one, but one in your head. The kids don't need to feel like all of a sudden they are living this rigid life, but you have got to get a flow going so you don't go nuts and they learn how to entertain themselves. ;-)

In your chart you have a schedule. 7:00 everyone up (or whatever time you do)
8:00 everyone is fed. 8:30 everyone is dressed. 8:30-9:00 clean the kitchen of bkfast mess. They can choose to help, play near you or just sit and watch. They can not choose to hang on you and cry. I think you will find that after a few minutes or days of this they will get bored with it and choose to play or help. ;-)

Then you can do as you normally would till around 11:00. Do the SAME bkfast routine.

Then the afternoon. Then do the SAME supper routine.

After you get the meal thing down, you can branch out to other things. With mine we cleaned up lunch and had nap/quiet time. Everyone lay down at the same time (yea that was a major accomplishment! LOL). I got at least 30 minutes of silence! Yea! For the older ones that don't take naps they have to lay in bed and read. I consider any time with a book to be quality time. ;-) I usually did something quiet like read, sew, etc.

Once you get that down you can branch onto another area. But it is going to have to be a slow transition. You will get there by taking small steps and increasing the 'time and range' of independence for them until one day you are running to keep up with your little one who wants to go adventuring all by him/herself. LOL ;-)

I don't think you are spoiling your kids. Stay at home mom's tend to have this problem. I know I have. I have 6 kids ages 8 years-2 years. My problem in the past is that we didn't get out of the house much, as in going into public (who would with 6 kids only 6 years apart...I'm not crazy!). It was getting hard for me (when I just had three) that the third one would start to scream if any stranger even looked at him. They weren't used to being out me and they definately weren't used to me not being there with them. I mean I'm always with them because I was the stay at home mom.

It was hard, but I had to make a conscience effort to let other's hold my kids when they are little (that's advice for the one not born yet). By doing that I was teaching my little one that it's o.k. to be away from Mom or Dad because I will come back to you.(I'm not saying for strangers to hold you child, but friends, etc.) As for the older ones, it's going to have to be a learning process. And you are going to need to find some way for them to understand that also, like taking them to a friends house and you just leave. And the more you do that the more they will realize that they can play without you being there.

Best of luck!

I have 4 children ranging in ages from almost 11 to almost 1. I have a mix of independent and clingy children, but the baby is the worst. I would suggest backpacking the littlest one for awhile (an ERGO or full back pack) made all the difference for my 4 year old when she had that problem. I don't think you are doing anything wrong-all kids come with their own personalities-yours just need a little support right now-but will outgrow it-my four year old did. She's as self sufficent as they come! "She'll do it all by herself thank you!" Just make sure you get out of the house and leave the kids with your husband and it will gt easier!
A.

I have four girls and the oldest is four. All but my second child are very clingy. Thankfully my four (almost five) year old is comfortable now with gained maturity to spend time with Grandma, Daddy, or others apart from me. But children are all different and I didn't 'spoil' my children. Some just have more sensory needs (you might want to read the Out of Sync Child) and some children are more anxious (this is my third child) and some children are more independent.

S. ____@____.com

Bless your heart. My first baby was the easiest too. I thought my second child was hard until I had my 3rd. Being a Mom is hard and I do not think you can spoil them when they are babies. I held mine as much as possible, they are only little once. My second child was very fussy because of acid reflux. I went to the doctor thinking my third child had the same thing. My doctor told me I had a high maintenance baby.

If you get your kids started in an activity and play with them for 10 - 15 minutes will they let you leave? Can they help with your chores? Fold wash clothes, dust, unload the silverware, pour the trash in the big trash bag, or other things they can do that are helpful. While still getting to spend time with you. Play-doh at the kitchen table is a great way to get kitchen work done. Turn on the radio and dance while putting up laundry. Little kids can help make beds. They can pull up one side of the sheet while you do the other. It may not be perfect but it is done.

We also have a rule at our house. "If you need to cry go to your room". Kids are kids and if the audience is not there alot of crying seems to stop more quickly. Sometimes we need to cry but you can do it in your room where you do not bother anyone else.

I really enjoy watching Super Nanny on ABC. I have gotten alot of helpful tools from her show.

Most importantly are you getting alone time away from those precious kids? We are better at being a Mom when we are refreshed.

I hope some of this is helpful. You are not alone.

let the kids be kids cause I have 1 and he's 10 and he loves to be under me no matter what the situation maybe.Even when I'm in the kitchen cooking he's right there with trying to help me.When we go some where and have to sit down he always get mad at my other 2 if one of them sits by me.My 5 year old daughter she has been doing that to lately and she really does that when she gets sick.I love all my kids but the 10 year old is the one thet I held the most.

My dear. You are going to have to set some new boundaries in your life. Do you ever get out of the house without ANY children tagging along? Do you use or have any babysitters you can use just for a few hours of relief? Is your husband willing to take an hour out of his day for you to take a bath WITHOUT any kids crying at the closed/locked door? You need time and space for you in order for you to function with the group. You also need to create and stay on a routine for all people in your house. I know it sounds easier than it is to do it. Sit down at the table with a piece of paper, make a grid up of all days of the week divide each day into AM and PM. I had to do something like this in order to get some balance in my life a few years ago.

Mon Tues Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
diapers cleanBR cleanLR diapers cleanLR shopping church
laundry laundry laundry laundry laundry plan meals*
lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch
naps naps naps naps naps naps naps
outside outside outside outside outside outside outside
dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner
bedtime bedtime bedtime bedtime bedtime bedtime bedtime

*plan meals for a week or better yet for a month and stick to it. Make meals up for 5 weeks. The 5th week is an alternative week so that you can switch out if you don't have all the ingredients on hand. When I did this plan, my kids were 4 and 1 - they are now 34 and 30.

It will take a bit but over a period of 2 to 3 months it will work and you will be able to keep it up. With this new baby coming, you are going to need to do change. Good luck to you.

IMHO (in my honest opinion), you need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Crying is part of a child's life. Wanting to be near mom is too... but YOU have to take care of you.
Here is Lisa Welchel's take: http://www.lisawhelchel.com/momtime.htm
I think your children would surprise you after a couple weeks if you took time for yourself.
I say, let them CRY! Get a sitter! Walk Away...
What is going on is manipulation... and they are winning.
I'm sorry...
Bring them over... I'll play with them while you get a break! lol

There us ton's of information on line about seperation anxiety. I really think children go through this, but since there are other children in the home I would not think you would have this problem. My daughter went through this (she was my first) and it made it almost impossible for me to do anything without her so I feel your fustration. I would just put her in her room for 5 minutes with a baby gate and let her play. Everyday I would increase the time and yes there is crying, but it is not going to hurt them to cry for a little while. Hopefully this will help. Also take time for yourself since you are a stay at home mom join playgroups and possibly a bible study that has childcare. This will help them to be around more children and learn to play on there own.

Ms. Melanie,
As adults we need timeouts too. So let your little ones know that boundaries are being set. If a gate helps seperate you from them do it. I have three needy kids, but on the other hand very independent in thought. Dependency for Mom is overwhelming and I too have been there. My 8 year old boy is still stuck to me. But he understands that Mom has to do adult things. Yes he is disappointed, but I set time aside for him too. His time, my time....

Good luck and pray for guidance from God too!

Melanie,

The best thing you could do for yourself and your children is to place them in a parents-day-out program. They usually start at 9-12 months of age. If you are of member of a church, most area churches offer these types of programs. Many are very affordable and the kids learn great learning tools and have fun doing it. I'm in Houston and we paid $165-180 monthly for our children to go three days a week from 9am-2pm, but many of the programs have options of how many days you want. Even if it was just one day a week, it would give you alone time.

The first week will be the hardest because of the seperation issue, but if you'll just drop them off, say bye and leave immediately it will begin to work. My kids weren't clingy, because I've taught them boundaries from early on, but I've had friends who wanted to know how I did it. Since #4 is on the way, I would recommend that instead of toting him/her around all the time, you stop. Especially once they hit 6 months, let them play on the floor independently for awhile before joining in. That means the other kids leave the baby to play alone as well. My youngest was the least clingy and plays independently very well. You have to have your own time to recharge to take care of all those kids, that is loving them. Don't beat yourself up, no one is a supermom, I promise!