My 3.5 year old is having melt downs every time we try to leave him at day care, church, etc. He will be fine until we get there and then about 10 feet from the door he will cry, lay on the floor, play limp noodle when you try to pick him up, run out the door, grasp your leg, scream, etc. I'm not sure why he's having separation anxiety and he usually calms down and has a great time once he settles down. Its just the 20 minute transition that has become beyond hurrendous. It does not help if I stay for a little bit and then try to leave because then the meltdown is just delayed. We have to stay the entire time or keep him in the same class as his older sister to prevent the meltdowns which doesn't always work either.
Any suggestions that have worked for you? I'm not into bribery, although music has worked intermittently.
How often do you just leave and come back? Do you ever leave him with a sitter or dad and just go shopping or for a walk? How is he when you walk out of the room to do something?
Unfortunately the only way I know to stop this kind of behavior is to leave him more often, for short periods of time. He has to understand that you can leave and that you will come back.
Well, he does it because he gets what he wants - you don't leave! Does he still cry and scream once you've left? Probably not. One of my kids would do the whole limp noodle, screaming and crying thing when she started preschool. The teacher told me just to GO. Drop her off, sign her in, and LEAVE without further ado. The teacher said that as soon as my daughter could no longer see me, she would go play with her friends as if nothing ever happened! Basically, the entire act was for my benefit, to make me feel badly about leaving her. (And it worked!)
So, after a few weeks of dropping her off and leaving immediately, she stopped her drama and would run ahead of me to go into her classroom. You just have to stop playing into this, and he will stop this behavior. It's totally normal at that age, but you can't allow him to manipulate you or it'll never stop. :)
I suggest that when you do leave him at daycare, church, etc. that you always leave immediately. By sometimes staying longer he will test to see if this time you'll stay. Do not allow a 20 minute transition time. Carry him, if needed, to the door, tell him good bye and leave all the time remaining calm and appearing to be unconcerned. When he gets an emotional reaction from you he will be more upset. He takes his cue from you on how to feel about this situation. And never stay the entire time. Again, he will test to see if his meltdown will get you to stay.
I've read about a way to desensitize a child in this situation. I don't have personal experience with it. I suggest that it may work with some children and not with others.
Here is the plan. Have a babysitter come over and leave. Give him a hug and quickly leave once the babysitter is settled. Then come back in in a couple of minutes. Leave again and come back in in 5 or so minutes. Do this several times increasing the length of time you're gone each time. You may have to do this 2 or more times over a period of time.
I'm not sure of the details or if I've accurate described it.
The best thing to do is to be matter of fact. Take him to the classroom door, but do NOT go inside the classroom. Tell him that you love him, hope he has a great day, and will be back for him after school/after church, etc. Then give him a quick kiss, give him to the teacher or put him inside the classroom, turn and walk away without a backwards glance. If your drop off is taking more than a minute or two, it's taking too long...the shorter and more matter of fact it is, the easier it will be for both of you and the less opportunity for him to put on a show.
At other times of the day when at home or driving home, you can talk with him about how when he goes places where he's left that you always make sure that you leave him with someone who takes good care of him and always come back for him so he doesn't need to worry when he's there.
Sorry I'm really late to your question and I hope you'll see my answer because I don't completely agree with what others have said below.
It's really common for kids around this age to experience separation anxiety. They begin to realize that bad things can happen to you when they aren't with you and vice/versa. They do need extra love and reassurance from you now, and it's a phase, so it will get better.
Just because it is a phase though and just because it's common for lots of kids, doesn't mean that you should never leave him or stay the entire time in a class. Just like when kids are infants and they have the first bout of separation anxiety, the behavior changes when they realize that they are in a safe and caring environment and that you always come back for them.
Do make the drop off routine short and predictable. Do give him extra love and reassurance that you'll come back. It will pass.
Good lcuk~
