Seeking Advice on 7-Month-Old's Separation Anxiety

S., this is normal, and certainly not excessive. All
3 of my kids did it to. They outgrew it in about 1-2 months at the most. But when they started kindergarten they did it again. Don't worry, as soon as you are out of sight they stop, but if you stay it prolongs it, and makes it worse for you, her and the teacher. I used to hide around the corner of the building listening, because I did
not believe the teacher, and she was right, they had stopped crying, and everything was fine.

Very normal at this age. I've experienced it with just about every child I've ever nannied for. She will outgrow it as she gets older. Try making it possible for her to be able to see you as often as possible or talk to her from the other room, "I'm here baby. Mama will be right back." ETC.

It's not something she will outgrow. As you leave her alone for a few minutes tell her that you're going to put her down, walk away, but call out to her to let her know that you're still there. It will take a while. If you don't handle it now, it will be even harder when she is older. You may need to just let her cry it out.

I would agree with everyone else. She is still pretty young and will grow out of it (and you will be disappointed a bit when she does). Then they are off running away from you most the time to go play. My husband would get frustrated too that she would cry for me but when it changed briefly to her crying for him all the time he loved it. Your husband might just be feeling a little left out.

HI S.-I went through the same thing with my daughter. People told me she is manipulating and you need to be stern with her. I did NOT take their advice. Everything was "Mommy do it"- when she could talk and before that she just cried when i was not there. So i held her and stayed with her and did it for her and she eventually outgrew it. However, i developed a wonderful bond with my daughter. She is now 22 1/2, married and my BEST friend. We are very close and spend alot of time together. We talk everyday. Bottom line is, she needs you, that is just a part of parenting. Looking back on raising her i am glad i always took her, i would never have put her down and we went everywhere together, she developed into quite a wonderful, compassionate and confidant young lady, whom i am proud to have brought into the world. Cherish your daughter and be there for her always, time goes so fast and before you even realize it, they are off and on their own. Children grow when they are ready, give her the time and space she needs. You and your husband will not regret it. We don't. I hope this helps you,my best to you and congratulations. D. F

"Giving in" is exactly what you should do right now. At this age, separation anxiety will only get worse if you try to break her of it. Talk to her, reassure her, or just bring her with you whenever you can. I got in the habit of just holding my daughter on my hip pretty much ALL day. Her separation anxiety lasted a few months, with good days when she'd play by herself and I could walk arond the house without her, and super-clingy days when her feet hardly ever touched the floor. Now, she's 19 months old, independent, confident and almost too brave! She started walking at 10 months and hasn't stopped. She can't wait for me to put her down and let her explore wherever we go, and she isn't fazed at all if I leave the room. That is, unless there is a new person in the house...now she's in the middle of stranger anxiety. Anyway, love and reassure your baby as much as she needs it. I know it's hard and really inconvenient sometimes, but it'll be worth it in the long run.

Hi S.,

I am a SAHM of 4 children ages 11, 8, 6, & 2 and I understand how trying it can be when you feel like you never have any time to yourself, even to use the bathroom. You are right on target when you say you believe that this is only a stage in your daughter's life, and she will eventually outgrow it. At this stage in life, babies are starting to make connections with who a person is, and what role they play in their life. As her mom, you are her one constant, and she gets reassurance from your presence. My only advice to you is to keep up the good work! You are building precious memories for your daughter and yourself, and believe me when I say this time is all too fleeting. Before you know it, you will be sending a beautiful and confident little girl to her first day of Kindergarten, and then you will be the one suffering from separation anxiety!:o) Be encouraged today! You are giving your little girl the confidence she needs to make sense of the world around her.

As I recall, there are 3 times a child goes through separation anxiety and it is more tramatic for some children than for others. It is a normal part of a child's emotional and psychological development. Your daughter has become aware that when she can't see you, she doesn't know where you are or if you are (that is a new, scary and unfamiliar thought for her), yes even when you are in the next room. In her mind, if she can't see you, you have ceased to exist and understandably she's terrified. She needs your reassurance that you are not going to abandon her. Peep-a-boo games would be good, if you haven't already started them. Also, I recall all of my 3 did much better, didn't have as many tramatic experiences, if I (or Dad)slipped out of the room when they were distracted and didn't actually see me (or him) go. On returning, we always made a big deal out of greeting them. Soon they learned that my absence (or their Dad's) was always followed by an attentive reunion. Your daughter is right on schedule. Not to worry.

Hope this helps some -
J., Mom of 3, Grandma of 3!

Its not excessive, it's YOUR child and her need for you. Some, like my daughter, are like that and best to let it be and accept it. Trying to make HER change won't happen. One day she will outgrow it and move away and be a confident person because you didn't MAKE her be the way you wanted her to be, like my daughter!

I think you are right. It's a stage she'll outgrow, especially if you try to reassure her.

My youngest son used to sit in front of the front door and scream and cry for half an hour after his dad left for work. (Needless to say his dad kinda liked the adoration.) He just loved his daddy!

Excessive? What kind of word is that to use on the behavior of a 7 month old? Trust your instincts mommy, she loves you!!

This is perfectly normal behavior for a 7 month old baby. The best thing to do is to indulge her. The old addage 'you can't spoil a baby' remains true through 12 months and sometimes beyond. She needs to know that you are there for her, as much as you can reasonably. She will outgrow it, for sure. It wouldn't be unusual for her to be waking more at night, too.

As with most things in child development, this too shall pass...

It's totally a stage and she'll get over it soon enough. She's just getting to the developmental stage where she realizes that you're a unique person because she can see you better - you're not just a blob with a familiar smell, so she doesn't want to lose you. Just talk to her as you leave the room or leave her sight - it'll help her realize that you're still around even if she can't see you. Dr. Sears pegs separation anxiety as anywhere between 8 to 12 months, but our daughter went through it at 7 and my husband blamed me for coddling her (even though he's never home during the day, so has no idea how we interact). Just love her and pick her up if she cries and if it doesn't work for you, don't worry if she cries a bit. She'll realize soon that you do come back. She'll probably go through more intense bouts of this in the next few months, especially right after stages of increased development - like crawling, walking, standing, etc. Just love her and she'll be a confident, happy little girl!

Good luck!

most likely its a stage.. try to make a game of it... leave the room and pop back in. friend of mine has the same issue. they think you are gone and never coming back.... once they realize you do come back... they stop. give it a little time.

This is normal... She should not be left alone at this age - her crying is God's insurance that she isn't left unattended!!! eNJOY IT - soon you will be complaining she doesn't want you... :)

It's easy for me - my 7mo has 4 older brothers and sisters and he is never alone!!!!

Had a similar problem and handled it by staying nearby and slowly moving a little further away each night. We started by eliminating the back rubbing and each night moving a little bit further away from the crib and eventually out the door. The only thing I would say to my daughter is "you're okay" and before long she started to believe it.

S.,

My son (now 15 months)went through the same thing at that age.

If she cires a little that is o.k. but just try to come back quickly so she sees you again or put her somewhere that she can see you.

We used our excersaucer for this purpose. When I would go to the kitchen to make dinner I would put my son in there so he could see me but was safe too. We also had his port-a-crib set up for this purpose too. It really helped but still gave me the freedom to get things done.

The good part is this stage will pass. The bad part is that is comes around again. My son is now starting to have separation anxiety again now which is apprently normal.

Hang in there and remember she is only crying becuase she loves you so much and wants to be with you.

N.

She'll get over it. I used to have to bring the bouncy chair into the bathroom and strap her in to even take a shower, and she would scream the whole time. She is now an independent 10 year old (and she was ready for preschool @ 2 - she wanted kids!). Hang in there.

It's a stage.
My son would cry like I was abandoning him even if I turned around to pick something up. Just seeing my back turned would make him upset. Be patient. Some days will be easier than others. I definitely had my days of "I can't carry you ALL THE TIME!!" I did find baby wearing useful for the most difficult days. I only wore/carried my son until he was about 9 or 10 months, but it was very useful at the time. He stayed with me for a few hours and I still had my arms.

My daughter was just like this. It is perfectly natural. I think that there is a time in every kid's development when they want to be acknowledged and reassured by their caregivers. Better now than when she's 40, eh?

My advice: Go out and find yourself a carrier that you really like (I used the kangaroo korner adjustable fleece pouch because my husband could fit it too). ThePortableBaby.com offers a lot of advice about fit and sizing and honest reviews about pluses and minuses of different styles, etc. There is also a baby wearing class available through Birthways (check at Waddle and Swaddle for more information). Spend some time learning how to position your baby facing out and in and any other which way that the carrier will allow.

With most carriers you'll be able to choose whether you want one or two hands free for carrying on the business of life and either way, your daughter will be close, reassured and, hopefully really really happy.

Good luck!

It is just a stage. Hang in there and it will get better once she grasps the concept of object permanence (knows that something or someone exists even when she can't see it or them). Don't ever try to sneak out when she's not paying attention because this will cause her to become even more anxious when she can't see you. Always tell her what you are doing even if you know she doesn't understand you. It might also help if you talk to her from another room so she can hear you. She will catch on eventually and she will also trust you more if you don't sneak out on her. When she is older and you have to drop her off at preschool or daycare, she will believe you when you say "I'll be back after lunch" because you always have done what you have said.

For now just say you'll be right back and go do what you need to do. As soon as you are done come back and say "Here I am! Just like I said." and give her a pat on the head or a snuggle. Tell your husband to be patient and that there would be more cause for concern if she had no reaction. This just shows that she is has a healthy attachment to you guys!

Also, stranger anxiety will be the next one if she hasn't experienced that yet. Usually this happens between 9 and 18 months. All those unknown people that she used to flirt with in the grocery store might suddenly make her burst into tears. This is also a difficult time to start them at a new daycare so if you have to go back to work anytime soon you might want to consider getting her familiarized with her provider so she is more comfortable (of course the provider will never be as great as mom and dad so she will still cry when you first leave but at least once you are gone she will be fine).

Hang in there! This is all part of growing up and learning.

My husband and I had similar issue with our 9 month old son. We have found it is really helpful if we make eye contact with him and say something like "I'll be right back," or "I'm going to get some water," or whatever. He may not understand what we are saying yet, but it helps to let him know we are going and that we didn't just disappear. Good luck!

Hi S.,
I agree with you that it's a stage that your baby will grow out of. You are her source at this very young age and she needs to know that you are ALWAYS there. I don't know if you've ever considered wearing her on your body in a sling but my girls loved it. They were content and happy, and I was able to get things done. You cannot spoil a baby by responding, contrary to what our individualist society tells us, but you can end up sending developmentally damaging messages if your baby is left to cry it out or gets the sense that mom may or may not be there when baby needs her. By consistently showing baby that you are there, she will move through this faze with a sense of security that will empower her. Security makes for a happy, well adjusted baby (and eventually adult), and happy baby makes for happy parents. Follow what your mother instincts tell you because they're right!
Best, T.

Hi! This is normal behavior for a 7 month old. Separation Anxiety is quite frequent in children this age, mainly heightened at age 8-9 months. Just give your child reassurance and lots of love. This is just a phase that she will outgrow (eventually) and just appreciate that she is very bonded to you and wants to be near you right now. I know that it can be annoying at times AND you need to get things done around the house etc. Maybe you can just have a phrase that you repeat to her over and over again like, "Sweetie, I will be right back". and then be consistent in coming right back and attending to her. Then she will begin to understand that "Oh, mom will be right back" and the separation anxiety may lessen a little bit. But, don't worry. This is a phase that your daughter will outgrow. It may seem like forever, but she will grow out of it. She is still in the TRUST VS MISTRUST development stage, so don't try and trick her and leave without telling her that you are going. don't try and sneak away; that will make the condition worse. Just be honest and tell her that "Mommy will be back", and then come back and say, "See, I told you that Mommy will be back" and then give her lots of love and reassurance. I hope this is helpful. It worked for me and my little one when he went through separation anxiety. It's funny. The anxiety was apparent at 8-9 months then went away for a long time and he transitioned well. Then it has recently come back and he is now 2 years old. But we are adapting to it and remaining consistent in our training. All the Best, D.

S.,
What I did to avoid this with my son was that I would walk into another room and talk loudly from in there and say , "Mommy is getting some coffee, or Mommy is going to the bathroom." Sometimes I would just talk out loud about nothing just so he could hear me. This way, my son could still hear me but wouldn't necessarily have to keep his eyes on me. When I came back, I would say, "Here I am." This would sometimes make him laugh but he always new that I was around. I started off leaving for a few seconds, then staying away longer and longer. If I had to go out and leave him with someone, I would tell him that Mommy will be back and to have a good time with .....whoever was watching him. Crying and separation is normal but I think that reassuring her will make it easier for the both of you. I hope what I did for my son works for you.
T.

My daughter went through this also with both me and the babysitter and honestly we just made sure she could see us. It's just a stage and she will get more independent, but I think some kids just like having the reassurance that someone is nearby.

Dear S.,

Yes it is a phase, but that doesn't make it any easier, does it? My son did the same thing, one time my mother came to visit and she came running into my bedroom when he screamed and "what did you do?" My response was "I went pee! I put him in the bassinet so I could pee!" We wanted to let him scream but there was always family around to pick him up. But he grew out of it. I recommend a swing that is light enough to move around the house so he can see you. Cuz you have to do dishes, laundry and PEE for crying out loud! He will get used to just seeing you. Good Luck

Our 11 month old went through this, and still does, to some extent. I definitely don't think it's excessive, but normal, and one of the challenges our wonderful babies give us! I've learned how to go to the bathroom while holding him! If it's getting hard to get things done, try carrying her around in a sling or carrier. With some, you can carry her on your back.

S.: Your daughter sounds like she is completely NORMAL! I've had 4 children (3 boys, 1 girl). My daughter is 18 mos and still wants me to hold her and be in her sight 95% of the time. My 3 year old twins wonder where I am half the time too (even if I'm upstairs while they're downstairs). They don't worry too much where my husband is though...My oldest is 4 1/2 and barely greets me in the mornings now - so embrace this season because it too will pass.

Well you are right about her being needy; at 7 months old she is totally needy. It's a good time to start playing peek-a-boo with her which helps her to learn, in short bursts, that mommy always comes back. You can eventually further away and come right back. Make a game out of it. I also recommend the book What to Expect the First Year by the same author who wrote What to Expect When You're Expecting. Very helpful. Good luck! L.

That's normal...separaction anxiety. It will get better once she understands that something that is not in sight is not gone. But it might come back when she starts crawling...she will then worry about not knowing how to get back to you....

AAahhhh....she loves her new family!

I remember with my first baby, I "forgot" to talk to him. I guess I thought because he "couldn't understand me" anyway, that it wasn't that necessary to talk to him. But he was about 3 months old when he started crying when I would put him down, and I began "suffering" as you seem to be. That's when I started talking about EVERYTHING. Every thought in my head came out into words. I'd look at him every so often, and try to "include" him in the conversation. Of course, he would just stare at me with those big, beautiful eyes. Honestly, I felt so silly at first. Anyway, it took only a couple of weeks to develope that security that he seemed to have needed. Then, when I had to go fold laundry, or something, I would talk to him while I was walking so he could always hear my voice. He became more secure after awhile. Then, after I got better at it :o) he started smiling more. THAT is all worth it one time!
Anyway, I think it's easy to overlook having conversation with your first baby. It's not always natural for moms to do this. If you're not doing this, then try it. It truly might work for you. If nothing else, you'll get more smiles out of your daughter :o)

Good luck
:o) N.