Separation Advice

Your kids are going to look at you for how to react...they are small and won't understand the depth of what is going on, so if you are sad they will be sad if you are upbeat and positive then they will be too. You can (pretend if you must) be excited about all the new changes...You guys are so big you get to go to school now(daycare)....you will have 2 special places to sleep(2 homes/joint custody)...play it up as new and fun not heartbreaking...My sister went through a divorce 2 years ago with 3 and 5 year old girls...they(the girls were excited to have 2 bedrooms) and my sister and her ex get along well they just weren't "in love" anymore...everyone has adjusted wonderfully and as a huge surprise to me the girls never really asked why or were upset....everyone stayed positive and the transition was smoothe...I'm sure there will be questions when the girls are older but if you keep the fighting and emotion out of it(easier said than done) it doesn't have to be horrible...I am sure there are a ton of books out there to help you...best of luck, I'm sorry you are going through this.

i just want to say that my heart goes out to you as this must be very difficult. my son is 17 months and i am amazed at how attached he is to my partner, even though i am his primary care provider and she (my partner) works a lot.

we too have been struggling and when i think about the prospect of us breaking up (though we are going for couples therapy and i think things are workable), it makes me miserable also. if i were w/out a child, i'd be okay, but with our son, it brings it to a whole other level.

so my heart goes out to you and while i'm not sure what advice to provide, i will provide a cyber hug and the words that you are strong and you will all get through it together.

xo, N.

Hi M.,
I am sorry to hear that you will be separating. However, it is not your job to tell the children about the separation.You and your husband should find a way to tell them together. Maybe you two need to sit down and work out how you are going to deal with the children once you are separated. It is important that you make the children understand that it is not their fault and that you and your husband still love them very much,but you can't be with each other. I have young children also, and I can tell you from experience, they appreciate the truth and can handle it better than we can. Also they learn from everything they see you guys do. I hope this was some help.

i know what you are going through is extremely difficult...there are no easy answers. I also don't have much to say as far as advice, but I am also going through a seperation. My son is only 16 months though and he wasn't even a year when we first seperated. If you just want to talk and need some support let me know. We can help eachother! Hang in there and be strong for your kids! Make sure they know how much you love them and stay positive for them.

G.

I'm wondering if it's a sign that if you cry everyday about it, you may not really want to be separated. If you knew in your heart that you and the children are better off by not being a family that lives in one house, as I call it, then you'd have few qualms or worries and you'd prepare them because it's better for all. If it's only better for you, then you need to dig deeper, perhaps. As you say, the kids barely seem him anyway. If you're not moving out and he is, then perhaps it'll be an ok adjustment since he's a small part of their lives by choice anyway?
Please try family/marriage therapy first--your husband must have something he needs to discuss about why he's out of the house 72 hours a week willingly and missing his kids' lives. You may need to discuss that you may feel like a single parent already and how that affects you and the kids. Maybe there is some middle ground where you both feel good about your parts in your life together? You know unless you dig deeper. So many people end relationships only to regret it later. Both of you should find time to talk more--and maybe with a neutral party would be helpful.

Hi M., let me start by saying that I am sorry for your situaltion. It is not easy, especially when children are involved. Let me ask you if you and your husband have thouroughly thought this through and are ready to make this huge step?? Have you been to counseling. I do know that counseling will only work if BOTH of you want it to. Although the best scenario for your children is to have both of their parents together, this cannot always be the case. Your life will change as a single mom. But if this is what you and your husband have decided is best for you then you need to go forward one step at a time. The number one key is to make sure you stay neutral about all comments to your children about their father. Try to keep it friendly and fair. Tell the children the truth...within reason and within the scope of what they will understand. They don't need every detail, just that things will be different. 3 1/2 is young so she will only understand so much...you being there is the most important factor. Good luck M..

Dear M., I'm sorry you and your husband are separating, I have been there when my first 3 were 7,8 and 9. I know your little ones are young but they need to be told the truth, on their level. Most important, they need to know they are loved and that love does not go away. Mommy and Daddy don't get along but we both love you. I know it is not easy for you as you are still dealing with this yourself. Give your babies all the hugs and love you can as they are your greatest blessing. Please know from someone who has lived through it, you will make it. If you pray, please do, God knows what you are giong through and wants to know that you know HE is there. I will pray too. You can have happiness some day, maybe your husband will realize what he is letting go. He may also not be able to face the responsibility, so he buries himself in what he knows how to do. Some people do not have good parent role models and are afraid they will not make good parents. Hopefully you can stay at home and not have the children go through another separation. Yes I make a lot of excuses for people, but we are not perfect. We just have to deal with the hand we are dealt. My best wishes for you. Grandma Mary

Hi M.,
You are going through a tough time and I truly appreciate it. My suggestion is for you to start your own home-based business so you can keep your kids out of daycare, buddy up with other home-based business owners, and make enough money so that you can live a quality life. Check out my web site or give me a call at www.ReachingGoals.org or ###-###-####.
I wish you the best.
L.

Hi M.,
I can't say I have much advice but I can say you are not alone. I too am going through the same thing! I am 28 and my only son is 3 1/2. His dad and I have decided to separate and even move out of the home we live in. The way we have been "trying" to make it ok for our son is to just be nice and honest with each other. KInda hard right now but we suck it up as much as we can. We haven't yet figured out how we are going to tell our son... I'll keep you posted if you do the same..maybe we can help each other figure it out. I do agree that I do not want to live unhappy for the rest of my life as I think that is more unfair to my child then to not have both parents in the house.
D.

Yes, a huge adjustment....I tend to think a bit much for very young children to take it all in at once. Not to mention how hard it will be on you. Is it possible to start day care and work several months before your husband actually moves out to give both you and the children a chance to adjust to this first? Being established at a job and the others who work there and having that job to focus on during all this will help you get through your loss....

Is your husband planning to be an active Dad once he is out of the house.....I tend to think you need to talk to him about this so you know what to expect from him. It's very important that he doesn't make promises to your children and then disappoints them....

When it comes time for Dad to leave, I tend to think it's best for him to be there with you when you try to explain it to your 3 1/2 year old. He should do most of the talking. Your child needs to hear from him that although he can't live in the house anymore, he still loves them very much. Answer all questions but keep it as simple and as possible.
Read Christena's suggestion....I tend to think she is right.....Keeping a positive attitude and being up beat about all of it would be best for the children.

Take one day at a time. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your marriage...but try not to allow it to flow onto your children. Know your worth and be good to yourself....in time everything will fall into place.

I tend to think your husband has a lot of growing up to do...he tends to have his prioritizes screwed up. Maybe the seperation will help him to realize it all....

Hey, I don't know how long you and your husband have been together, but maybe try not to throw in the towel just yet. Marriage is worth fighting for and it shows your girls you are not a quitter. Pick up Power of a Praying Wife. Even if you aren't into that sort of thing, try it out and see what happens. I understand that he is not willing to chage, but just see what the Power of a Praying Wife book can do for your life. Read a chapter a day, say a prayer a day...and just see. Then pick up Power of a Praying Parent. They are amazing and have totally revolutionized my marriage and my thought process on raising my baby girl.

Hugs and hope you find peace. The opportunity to stay home and raise your children with your ideals and your quirks and your mannerisms is priceless. PRICELESS! Imagine yourself going back to work and your child being raised 8-9 hours or more a day by someone else. As much as you would interview or perhaps it's a grandparent, it's NOT you.

Give the book a shot!

I think you need to ask yourself why you will be unhappy for the rest of your lives if you and your husband stay together. Is there any chance at all for reconciling??? Maybe you and your husband should take a nice vacation together alone.....

If not, then you need to stay positive for the children and explain that there will be some very exciting changes happening.

Good luck