Good morning! My daughter's (6 1/2 years old) father and I just split up and I moved into a new house. I'm still really close to where we all lived together. We are on a schedule of 2 days on, 2 days off and then 3 days on. This is the first week of this new schedule for her! We also had a dog that was mine and I was planning on taking her to the new house but she bit me and I just couldn't risk her biting my daughter or someone else so I made the really hard decision to give her away. She was 6 years old. Last night my daughter asked about the dog and I told her that we gave her away and she started crying and said she wishes things were back to how they used to be! I just told her that I know she does and tried with all my might to not cry! Has anyone else gone through this? Her father and I are on pretty good terms and get along. We are both interested in her happiness and are putting that first! I have the school counselor talking to her once a week also. Is there anything else I can be doing? My heart is hurting so bad for her and all that she has lost through this. I know she is still confused because she still talks about mommy and daddy getting married.
We did talk to her about the dog leaving and she seemed to understand. She has a cat at her dad's but we can't bring it to my house because she likes to go outside and I'm afraid she will get hit by a car. Her dad has a lot more land than I do. She knows that mommy and daddy both love her very much and that she can talk to us any time she needs/wants to. I feel like the schedule is going to be hard for her to get used to since it will seem like she is getting uprooted all the time. I don't think her dad will give up his days with her though!
Honestly her schedule sounds awful. Can you find something better that doesn't have her sleeping in a different bed every 2-3 days?
She will probably hold on to that dream of mommy and daddy getting married for MANY years to come.
The first and only thing I can say is your custody schedule may work well for you and dad, but it is NOT going to work well for her, unless you and dad are the ones doing the moving. For a child to have to change households every 2 - 3 days is exhausting for the child and IS NOT in the child's best interests. Take a few minutes and think about how much you would HATE it if you had to change where you live every couple of days. And that's exactly what I think you should be doing. You and dad should have a family home where your child lives all the time. Then you and dad switch who stays at the house with her. That gives HER some stability which is much more important than what you or dad want.
You and dad created this situation. You and dad should suffer the consequences of it not working out. Your child should not pay the price for your bad decisions.
With things like pets, you need to talk to kids about it before it happens so that they have time to transition and say goodbye. On top of the split and the move, this was one more thing she just didn't need right now.
Can you go visit the dog with it's new owner?
I suggest that you're handling this well. I would add that's it's OK to cry with her. It's important to accept and acknowledge all of her feelings. Keep talking with her and reassuring her.
I agree with your concern over the back and forth so frequently. You might try exchanging every other week. A week with you and a week with Dad.
I remember that feeling and trying desperately not to cry like that. It's not easy. You're dealing with our own grief and hers. It's important to not waiver and give her false hope. My kids would still love it if their dad I were back together, eventhough they know we won't be. They still cry occasionally for the family we used to be. It's not easy, but keep talking to her and reassuring her that you both love her and that will never change. Reinforce the positives like Just M said.
She will get through this and so will you. I'm not sure the guilt ever completely goes away, but it does lessen. Do something fun with her and reassure her that its ok to have fun without you when she's with her dad and vice versa.
As long as you have made sure the school counselor is a licensed professional therapist and not just a school counselor that helps kids on a short term basis, like helping them pick classes or if they are having an issue with a friend that day....then that sort of visiting will do.
If she is really having a hard time with this you might want to find an actual therapist she can go to. They will be professionally trained to help your daughter through this.
I'm three months post-split, and I can tell you that it does get a lot easier (well, at least for us it did). We do five days with me, two days with dad so there is less back and forth -- a child psychologist told us that would help the kids establish new routines quicker. It may be losing the dog that is making her more emotional. Allow your daughter time to grieve for the dog, she's lost something very important and that has always been a part of her life.
Also, at this age (my kids are about the same age as yours), there's no need to talk about marriage or divorce. She just needs to know that you're going to be living in separate houses but that you both still love her and want what's best for her. You can also tell her that mommy and daddy will be happier with two houses. Give it a month or two and she'll even out.
I would think the dog is whats making her really sad.
We divorced when my daughter J. turned 3, she's 6 1/2 now and still occassionally asks why we cant be like before, then i remind her she has so many more new people who love her (I'm engaged to her second dad as she calls him, and her dad is living with a woman and her two girls who my daughter calls her sisters and second mom). I try to put it in a good light instead of moping about it.
If I was you when she asked I'd concentrate on the positive. Mommy and daddy are so much better and happier as J. friends. You're lucky you have 2 rooms now and two homes, some kids dont even have one!! Thats what we did. We let her be sad and let her ask questions and listened. The therpist told us to ask open ended questions and J. let her speak and give her opinon and dont downplay it but you dont have to maul over it...J. acknowledge her feelings and then move on.
Can you perhaps get a new puppy or kitten since she lost her one. Not replacing it but possibly a distraction from all of the loss?
It's good that as parents your able to stay on good terms. When my parents separated they sat down and decided to stay united as parents. They never spoke poorly of each other, never made us send messages back and forth, and both stayed very involved in our lives. It made a huge difference. I never saw anyone but my school counselor and was asked several times to lead groups for kids with divorced parents.
Things between myself and my ex didnt go as well. I bite my tongue-he has diarrhea of the mouth. My kids are in counseling to deal with all of the very adult drama they've had to endure.
I do puppet shows with their stuffies before bed. Gives them a chance to giggle or talk about what's bothering them without talking to me direct. My daughters counselor said that's a great form of displacement.
For the dog, I would explain that she was getting old and you didn't want her to bite anyone-so you found her a safe home. Perhaps you can let your daughter help decide what the next family pet will be (if I had a choice I would go with fish or a gerbil) It doesn't have to be right away, but perhaps it would give you both something happy and fun to plan and look forward to?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard. I've been through
it.
It does get easier
Kids are resilient but it is hard for them to understand at first.
Comminicate w/her & explain things in terms she can understand.
I have friends w/the week off, week on (1 full week at each parents'
house) and it is awful. It is too long of a period away from each parent
esp their mom.
It seems like it's better because they are not always flip flopping around
but it's too long away. The person that came up w/this new schedule
was surely not a mom and most likely wasn't a child of divorce.
A lot can happen in a week whereas seeing your child in a few days, you
can correct behavior or problems.
Having the sched change every few days, keeps it easier to connect, help
monitor, have their things, have a change for the better for the household they like best.
What seemed to help, was having duplicates of things at each household
(like a favorite snuggy, favorite blanket etc.).
Updated
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard. I've been through
it.
It does get easier
Kids are resilient but it is hard for them to understand at first.
Comminicate w/her & explain things in terms she can understand.
I have friends w/the week off, week on (1 full week at each parents'
house) and it is awful. It is too long of a period away from each parent
esp their mom.
It seems like it's better because they are not always flip flopping around
but it's too long away. The person that came up w/this new schedule
was surely not a mom and most likely wasn't a child of divorce.
A lot can happen in a week whereas seeing your child in a few days, you
can correct behavior or problems.
Having the sched change every few days, keeps it easier to connect, help
monitor, have their things, have a change for the better for the household they like best.
What seemed to help, was having duplicates of things at each household
(like a favorite snuggy, favorite blanket etc.).
I would schedule days, instead of 2 days on 2 days off, etc. So, she could be with you M, T, W and dad Th, Fri, Sat and alternate Sundays. Or something like that. That way she'll always know which days she is where and won't have to count to figure out where she'll be next Tuesday. She'll just know she's with mom on Tuesdays!
