Separation - San Bernardino,CA

Oh my god that is SO terrible. I am SO sad for you and your son. What an @hole!!!!!

Is there no way to convince that @hole to see both kids? Does your 5 year old call him dad? Was he close to him?

I could strangle that ba$tard. I can't think of any way for your 5 year old not to be devastated that the person he considers his dad, if that's the case, will only see the other child, and not him.

If there is any way you can have that creep see the baby outside of the house, so that your 5 year old doesn't know that he's seeing the baby, then that's what I'd do. This might be a case for a counselor.

And ultimately, the truth will be necessary, because even though it will be painful and his little brain will barely be able to comprehend it, the truth is always better in the long run, including the fact that he isn't the biological father.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It will hurt.

____@____.com

I wouldn't. I would tell that jackass - "if you can look him in the eye and tell him yourself, go for it buddy"
What a jerk! Is he afraid you will make him pay extra child support? I would assure him that's not the case. Remind him they are brothers and "his son" is going to realize one day that he is alienating his brother and resent him for it.

YOU don't. HE does. He has acted like this boys father for the better part of his life. HE needs to explain it to him.

DO NOT do it for him.
DO NOT make excuses for him.

Your boyfriend needs to do this. Plain and simple.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope this is a heat of the moment decision for him and that once he calms down he will see what an a-hole he is being. I guess he is trying to hurt you by hurting your son? What a jerk! I wish I had some good advice for you, but I dont... Really I just want to send a big hug your way.
In the meantime, make your alone time with your 5 year old extra special. Tell him how happy you are to get to spend extra time with him and maybe take him somewhere and spoil him a little bit.

---EDIT----
Yes, this guy is not legally obligated to do anything. But as a human being, he is obligated. If he has been acting as a father to this boy, or even just a close relationship, he owes him an explaination, or at least a goodbye. Ultimately the ongoing healing process will belong to Mom but if this guy thinks its OK to cut and run and never talk to the kid again, that would pretty much sum up everything that is wrong with our world today.

wow good thing you're done with that jerk!
Is he a good dad to the other baby or is this how he is in general as a human?

i would remind him he will be hurting his son's brother and this poor little boy and tell him that you want to be friendly so you can coparent together even if youre not together but its important to you your 5 year old not feel abandoned. it stinks the baby wouldnt even know the diference of this guy J. not coming around but your 5 year old will be so hurt.

btw have you mentioned ot seeing him to your 5 year old? does your 5 year old even like him?

Ditto everything that Rosebud said. I'm so sorry for your 5 year old.

I don't have any suggestions, but make sure that he very clearly knows that this man is not his father (not necessarily now, but if you don't get back together). My brother and I have different fathers (I am 4 years older than him), and when I went to go live with my dad (when my brother was 2), my mom never made it clear that my brother didn't go because it wasn't his dad. He thought for a long time that my dad had just abandoned him and only cared about me. My brother didn't even know my dad (he wasn't raised by him as in your situation), but little kids don't always understand everything clearly.

Legally he doesn't have to but morally he should want to. Sounds like he is a jerk. That being said, HE needs to man up and talk to your 5 year old. However, I would bet he is not going to do that. He will come pick up the baby and leave. He doesn't think that is his problem, he thinks its yours.

This is a bad situaiton because your older son looks at this man as his father. He will resent you, him and baby brother. Honestly, I would suggest talking to a counsel to see how you can approach this because the "man" isn't going to. I'm sorry for you and your boys. However, this shows his charater or his lacking in charater.

You can't explain it to him in a way that will keep him from feeling bad.

This isn't part of your question, but I feel a desire to address what others are saying. It's unfortunate, but it doesn't make him a jerk. I don't know what your difficulties are, but he might not want to deal with you more than he has to. He might have decided that it's better for him financially and emotionally if he cuts ties with this kid now and not have you pull rank later as the actual bio parent. Did he ever really want to be a parent to him, or did he just want to be with you...have his own kid? I think that this is something that should have been addressed at the beginning of your relationship and certainly before having a baby together. I don't know that you didn't have this conversation or that you wouldn't be dealing with the same outcome, but having the conversation early on establishes expectations and might have given you further insight for your future decisions.

He is not this boy's father, so he does not owe the explanation to the kid. Neither does he owe him a relationship beyond what he already has. I am not assigning blame at all; the whole situation is just way unfortunate. I do believe that you are responsible--as his mother--for the current situation, and it's up to you to "make it right" for him.

ETA: This would also free up the boy to bond with someone who actually wants to be a parent to him. You're all learning as you go.

That is so sad and I'm sorry. I just wanted to say this kind of happened to a friend of ours - grown man now. He turned out great so while you ex is a total ahole, it doesn't mean your son won't be just fine. I too hope your ex will change his mind. You say this is a separation so not sure if that means you're thinking it might be temporary. If that's the case, sounds like you should make it permanent.

I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. It is obvious you want the best for your sons and it stinks when ex doesn't.
First, let me say that I don't see your ex spending a ton of time with an infant, so this may be a non-issue for a while. I never denied time, but I also never called and encouraged it when mine were small. Minimize the hurt and impact as long as you can.
When you do have to deal with this, use the time as an opportunity to do something special with your older boy. Even if it's just the park, cooking brownies, watching a movie at home or whatever, use it as special time for "just us".
Kids are way more intuitive than we want to believe (even at that age), so when he asks why ex isn't taking him too, simply acknowledge how he feels, i.e., "I know you miss him/want to spend time with him" or "I know it hurts your feelings that you don't get to go"...[big hug] "but lets do something special, just you and me [and sometimes include a best friend]" or "what special thing would you like to do with Mommy" (or I'm so excited to get to spend this time with you...). Doesn't make it completely better, but it helps a ton to know that you value him and special time together.
Another thing that works is having him be at a special friend or grandma's house when little one gets picked up.
Last thought I'll post is don't let him beat himself up about it or take it on as his. What I mean is don't let your son feel that he did something wrong because ex is a jerk. If he starts to feel it's his fault, remind him how special he is and how many other people love him and care about him. And that it is really sad that ex doesn't realize how awesome he is or....
Best of luck to you.