Separated...what Now??

I'm sorry. I don't know.
But I think that I (personally) would want to know in my heart that I had tried everything and had given it my best shot before I agreed to a split.
Good luck to you!

H., I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how hurt you have been by his words and actions.

Just curious, has he been diagnosed with depression? If not, he needs to be. Are you sure its depression or just nervous about pulling the trigger on the marriage?

Personally, I would take him at his word. He wants out. You both have talked and again he doesn't seemed interested in making this work. You can do everything in your power but in the end if the other person doesn't do their share of work, it isn't going to work.

I think you need to make it a formality. If you aren't ready for divorce, file for legal separation. Get everything in the court, child support visitation, division of property etc. No more sleepovers. I don't care if his parents had company, he left the marriage. He pays for a hotel. Visiting the child happens on his time. He picks him up and they go.

He needs to see this as a separation not an intermission. If he wants to work on the marriage, do so separated. You also need to work on you. You are wounded right now. You need time to heal.

Hugs!

Sending you a hug...

It takes two people to make a marriage work but only one to break it up. Unless your husband said things he didn't mean and wants to work on it and is is getting professional help for his depression, I think you would be better off taking him at his word and moving on.

That's so difficult. But really, you have to take someone at their word when they say so firmly that the relationship is over. He has said he doesn't love you, then said you two never worked, even if he seems to miss your emotional support. Please try not to let your hope color his comments, judging by what you said, he is done and it's time for you to grieve for your lost marriage.

ETA: I actually hated writing that, and wanted so badly to add "maybe one day..." but that type of thinking can cripple someone (the false hope you mentioned). I'm so sorry.

when someone is depressed.. they are not thinking clearly.. they are not loving themselves or anyone else..

the world is gray and black and everything is bad.. even if it was good.. he would perceive it as bad.. so... if he goes to counseling.. and gets medicine.. and gets his head on straight it might be OK.. to resume a relationship with him.. but until then keep him as far away as possible while doing what is best for your son.

H.,

Everyone changes. I am not the same woman my husband married 17 years ago. Life experiences changed me, just as they did my husband.

When I divorced my first husband, I was alone for a while. I needed to find out who I was. I was young when I married him. We had a kid. We were in Europe. I needed to know WHO I as then - after my experiences, what **I** wanted, where I wanted to be.

Since you are already seeing a counselor - I would continue however, I would talk with the counselor about goals being set for you and what you need to do to reach those goals.

I would suggest to your husband that he get into a psychiatrist - yes - a psychiatrist - if he's battling depression? He needs more than just a counselor. He needs to get to the root of his problems.

I would also suggest marriage counseling for BOTH of you together. You will be forever tied to each other because your child and your child deserves parents that are GOOD to each other, even if they are no longer together. You will have to co-parent together - and right now while things are "okay" that might change later. Your kid comes first in this situation. So your husband and you should get marriage counseling together so your son doesn't suffer the consequences.

In regards to your husband not loving you. It could be the depression. It could be that he was feeling the push to get married and do waht was expected of him and he could have mistaken the deep friendship (which I believe is necessary for any marriage) as love...I don't know. What I do know is that YOU need to sort out WHO you are and what YOU want.

Good luck!!

So sorry. Let me ask you this. Has he been diagnosed with depression? Is he on medication?

If he has not been to the doctor, is not willing to take medication, I would not give it a chance to work.

You need to do the legal stuff to really make it REAL for him, H.. If he won't go to the doctor, then go ahead and get all the formalities taken care of, including court ordered child support and court ordered visitation. Make the visitation agreement VERY specific. No more staying on the couch, either. He has to see what he is missing definitively and he's not seeing that right now. You've given him total access, except to your bed.

If he comes to you after you've put real parameters on the relationship and says he wants to try again, you need to put your foot down and say that he has to go to the doctor, he has to go on medication, he has to go to counseling with you. And only when you have seen some real improvement in the relationship will you go down the married path with him again.

He needs to understand what the loss of a marriage is about. He doesn't understand that right now. Let him.

You're second guessing the decisions and that's normal. You're separated and now you need to be separate. Start moving forward separately. You can't be in a marriage by yourself. Talk to a counselor about accepting its over and moving forward. Figure out what you're holding on to - he's told you he never loved you, its been rough, you deserve to be happy and then move forward. You can't make him happy. You're only responsible for your own happiness. You can still support him on a limited basis without being married to him if he needs help or maybe you're enabling him - either way you need to step away.

it may well just be his depression talking, and i'm so sorry he said such a hurtful thing to you.
but i hope you don't sabotage yourself by dwelling too deeply on it. it may be best if he doesn't use your place as a crash pad until you're healed enough to have these 'deep conversations' without it yoinking you off your center.
while it's most likely that he really did love you once, and really awesome that you're both co-parenting so well, it's time for you to put your marriage behind you emotionally and mentally and don't let it take up any more space in your head. whether or not he ever loved you, it's well and truly over now. you're both handling it well overall. so don't let this sideline you.
hang in there, babe.
khairete
S.

So sorry to hear about your split. It must have been heart wrenching to hear him say that he never loved you. That is just mean and hurtful. He probably loved you at one point, otherwise he never would have married you.

Now tell me this. Do you want to stay married to someone who says he never truly loved you? Yes, there is a slim chance that you could get your marriage to limp along until death do you part. But what would you be getting out of the marriage? The chance to say that you've been married for 50 miserable years? Is this what you want your son to strive for?

Before I married my husband (whom I am divorcing), I thought that depression and anxiety were temporary and curable conditions. But for some people, like my husband, it is a way of life. Even therapy and medication (he uses both) won't help if he won't do the actual work to face his demons and make peace with his traumatic childhood.

You still have the rest of your life in front of you. Don't waste it by wishing, hoping, and praying for him to come around. He probably won't. And then you will just be where you are now -- only older. Best of luck to you.

Depression clouds everything. Speaking from personal experience,when someone is very depressed they become a whole different person. If he will agree to get help, hold off on making any decisions until enough time has been given to explore all options of treatment. If medication is considered, seek out an evaluation from a recommended psychiatrist. They are the experts in behavioral health medications. PM me if you want specific info. You have my prayers and support. I've been there - it is hard.

I can imagine you are very hurt but I think you have to take him at his word - he's done. I can't imagine someone making that move lightly. He is trying to be a co-parent and a friend, nothing more. Time to move on.

H.,

One of the things that a man needs is affection and appreciation.
Since a woman is more in tune to feelings and relationships more than a man, she takes control of that and loves her husband like he is the greatest thing going.
If you are use to him doing all the forward things, you need to start being forward and wooing him.
8 ways to be God's lover to your husband
Revise your vows
Offer your body as a gift
Mentally shift into sexual gear
Admire him
Nurture your sexual feelings
Touch him in a sexual way
Ignite passion
Commit to romance

Every day doing something with your husband.
Good Luck
D.