Separated from My Husband

coping techniques are as varied as the people trying to cope, so i pray that you can find something that works well for you and gives you peace and closure. the only thing i can suggest on this (wisely) limited information here is to be very, very, very careful not to let this horrible thing percolate to your children. he's their dad, and whatever you end up doing with him, it's important that they are free to love him unconditionally. don't let your disgust with him poison the kids.
khairete
S.

Hi Gina, I think we all wish you would say what the horrible thing is, it's hard to answer the question otherwise. We can handle it, we won't judge, your husband's 'horrible' thing is not a reflection on you!

That said, there is little value in preparing your children for a dramatic change that 'may' happen, until it is imminent. In fact, why disrupt them at all if you are unsure what your future holds, you don't 'think' you can get past it, and are 'gonna do therapy', if it just happened 'last week'?

Again, I wish you would elaborate a little bit. :)

First I just want to say that I hope you can find a way to heal from the wound and keep your marriage in tact. It is possible. Stick with the therapy even if you don't want to because possibly one of the sessions will be the one that overturns your current upset and opens that door for acceptance, forgiveness or whatever it is you are needing to close that gap.
If you do end the marriage the kids will feed off of how you and their dad are managing. You all have to sit down together and talk about it. If the kids dont see stress they wont get as stressed out about the changes. If they see a lot of hurt, anger or depression they will react in pretty much that same fashion.

I am sorry you are facing this situation. If you have already separated from your husband then your kids have already experienced confusion and loss. Depending on their ages, give them information on what is going on - and at this point, mom and dad are seeing a counselor to work on issues and make sure they know they are not to blame for the dissension in the family. What other type of support systems are in place or can be put in place to help you and your children get through any changes? (family, friends, support groups) You might want to think about things that will help to keep part of their lives stable like staying in the same school and the same sport teams. You don't mention the situation with your husband so I don't know the extent or the area of your issues. You may need to do some deep soul searching -- are you better off with him or without him?? is your family better off with him or without him? Are there serious financial or legal or criminal implications to this situation? Then you may want to consult an attorney on these issues. If he has some type of addiction, you might want to get involved with a family support group because they can give you suggestions of how to deal with specific issues with your children. I would also suggest that you pray for guidance and for strength for you and your family to get through this situation
Good luck

It is great that you are getting theraphy. You may want to get your own counselor in addition to help you. Only you can decide if you are better with or without him. It is your choice. Give yourself time to heal, before you make a decision. Know what your finances are and start doing the bills. It will give you some feeling of control. Find a support group and/or church to lean on.

I think I can speak for everyone. We want what is best for you and if you need us (contact me personally if you want/need to) we will listen.

Take care
J.

This sounds like a very new issue. I think you need to get over this horrible shock before you say anything to the kids. It sounds like you had a wonderful family before this and you both love the kids. Thats what the kids need to know right now. you both love them. You are letting our imaginations run wild with this. If he is doing something unsafe, you need to protect the kids,otherwise try to keep things calm until you figure things out.Keepus posted and feel free to e-mail. Good luck!

How horrible of an event could this be? Aside from finding out your huby has a second family or something, can't you work it out at all?

If not start looking for support groups for you and your kids.

Try not to make any rash decisions right now b/c it's all very new and you really haven't stopped to think about it. Did he actually move out? Two very differenct conversations depending on whether or not you are all under the same roof.

You don't say how old your children are b/c that's a huge factor as well. You may be wise to say as little as possible about the "specifics" until you have your head around it. If he's a good dad and you want the kids to maintain a relationship and respect for him, keep the details to yourself.

If he has moved out... your kids already know that something's going on. Be honest with them, but keep their ages in mind. If they are young (preschool-2nd grade)... "Daddy and I are having a hard time getting along right now and daddy is going to stay at ______ while we figure it out." If they are older, something similar, but with more mature language.

They will have a range of emotions- sadness, anger, fear, anxiety. Encourage them to talk to you and then just listen... reassure them that you both love them and that you will continue to be their parents, no matter what. Then do your VERY best not to disparage your husband in front of them.

Try the counseling... but don't stay together for the kids- that never works and does more harm in the long run. A good therapist will help guide you both into making a decision that will result in a healthier long-term outcome.

Good luck and don't hesitate to get the kids some counseling if you start to notice emotional or behavioral changes.

Without knowing what it is you found out i cant offer more advice than, go with your gut. You dont think you can get over it. Life is short. Its up to you to decide if it is worth your time. If there is even a slight chance itll work out, id try, but otherwise i wouldnt give it another day.

Ultimately it is up to you.