I'm hosting a double birthday party soon. There will be lots of kids, of all ages. It's more of a family event, so it should be fun for all. Here's the problem. We have a neighbor. Long story, but they have "problems". But the nuts and bolts of it is this: There are two little boys living in the house. At first glance, both are awesome. The truth of the matter is only one of them is. He's the sweetest, kindest person ever. His brother, product of a two drug-addicted gang-bangers, not so much. He's been diagnosed with everything, including schizophrenia, etc. None-the-less, I have allowed my kids to play with the kids. He's been over plenty of times to my home. However, he is violent. He choked my child too. Apparently, he's "assualted" people in his house, including the grandmother. He's scratched and hit her so badly, she was bleeding. The ex-gang-banger dad doesn't have the "skills" to effectively control the child. The kid acts out, dad will literally have to pick him up like a heavy log, to take him home. The dad's current girlfriend doesn't even want the boy around her kids.
Now, yes the boy definitely has mental issues. I am not educated in those. But here is the quizzical issue. The boy doesn't appear to "bully" the bigger kids. It is the smaller kids he harms, like little girls and smaller boys. So he at least is "cognitively aware" to choose targets that aren't able to defend themselves. That's disturbing to me.
Back to the party. I don't want that boy here. By default, the one that doesn't have issues can't come either. Sad, but I don't see any other way. But there is going to be 50 people in my yard, laughing, hollering, sliding, and these kids will WANT to come over. (they knock on our door 10-20 times a day as it is to come over and play)
I don't want the dad here either. I personally have absolutely nothing in common with him.
I just want some feedback how to tell the dad and grandma that I don't want the boy here. On one hand, the boy may not do anything, but I can't risk him harming one child. I also can't risk him choking my child again and possibly making him cry at our party.
How would you handle this?
You don't have to tell them anything beforehand. If they come knocking on the door, you will be outside, there is no reason to run to the door and answer. for the people invited to the party, tell them before to just come on in. If you feel like you must answer the door, tell them it's a private, family event and they can play on another day.
Call the police and CPS. This child needs help. You are not doing anyone any favors by not reporting a violent child. You don't say how old this child is but his behavior will not improve on it's own and can only get worse.
Diane:
Tell them it's a private party. It's the truth - right?
Tell them that there will be younger children and girls there and since the one child can't control himself, you can't invite them.
Just tell them the truth. It's OKAY to tell them the truth. Will they be upset? Most likely - yes - but that's not your problem. They need to hear it.
If you care enough - why not recommend a doctor or facility that can treat the boy so he can become a productive and responsible citizen eventually?
Good luck!
I would handle it in the same vein as siblings at a party where one is not invited due to friendship or age. Invite just the friend.
If the parents ask, you can say, "Jimmy choked Sam and they are not friends. If you think it would upset Jimmy to see the party but not attend, perhaps you could do something special one on one with him during that time?"
If the preferred guest can't come because the brother isn't invited, then let it go. Invites are not always for both children and the family needs to understand that, especially if the older boy has serious concerns. The father may be more understanding than you think, since his own GF doesn't want him around her kids.
You just say it's family only if they ask. It's always incredibly rude when someone tries to invite themselves to an event.
I like Rosecity's answer, since you already have a history of these kids coming over 10-20 times a day. Take the approach that you hope the noise level isn't irritating to them, and you might add that you will try to control the parking in front of their house, but they should let you know if any of your FAMILY MEMBERS park them in. You might comment that you are worried about getting everything done as well as the supervisory aspect with so many people but you are glad YOUR FAMILY can have this unique opportunity for cousins to get together.
I think sending them home if they just show up with no warning could be difficult and could even provoke the poorly behaved child. You can say to them, "I'm so sorry, boys, but this is just for cousins who don't get to see each other very often, and we will see you another time." If that doesn't work, have a designated person in your family (your husband?) to take the kids home and say to the parents, "I'm sorry, but we just can't supervise extra children today." If he has to, he can comment that "as you know, Johnny requires extra supervision anyway, and we simply can't provide that level of oversight in this crowd. Besides, it's all family and we didn't allow anyone else to bring friends from outside the family."
I don't agree with a sign on the door if it sounds exclusionary like "family only" but I think it would be fine to highlight your location with a "Smith Family Reunion" sign in the yard as if you are making it easy for those who are coming from out of town, rather than keeping out the neighbors.
The fact that the bully child only picks on smaller kids isn't the least bit surprising. He's aggressive but not stupid. My heart goes out to him but all you can do is protect your own children, short of calling child protective services to report that he's a menace to his brother or is being neglected by his parents.
Mention to the grandmother that you are having an ALL FAMILY ONLY party and you will celebrate with the kids another day. If the kids come over, explain this to them as well - sorry but we are having a family party. Come by tomorrow for some cake!
I applaud your desire to allow this kid to play with yours but I seriously hope you are supervising him 100% of the time.
I agree that it's a family party, so just stick to your guns. But, you said you liked the nice boy, so maybe you can have a little get together with him and your boy. Maybe you can have a hot dog lunch and a cupcake and tell them that this is his birthday party for his neighbors, since you will be having family over for his other party.
I agree with Suzanne W. Just have the party and when they knock on the door, tell them it's "family only" and close the door. If they knock again, don't answer.
Have fun!
You might want to let your neighbors (the grandma and dad) know that you will be having a family reunion/birthday party and that you will try to keep the noise to a reasonable level. If you tell them it is a family reunion, they will know about the party in advance and maybe they'll make an effort to tell the boys that they shouldn't go over to your house.
If the boys come over, you can just tell them that it is for family only. No need to invite the nice brother. I agree with Galway Girl, that you could send them home with a cupcake if they do try to join the party. Have a great party!
If they come over, you can nicely explain "We cannot play today, we are visiting with family" or "Right now we have some other friends over but perhaps we will see you next week" or even "Sorry, right now we are busy". If you want, send em home with a cupcake.
Or, if you feel like you have to include them, it would be only if a responsible adult accompanied them. You are not a babysitter and the child needs someone tailing him in order to keep the other kids safe.
Hold your party as scheduled. Should the boys come over, let them know that it is not a good time and that it is a family party. Escort them home if necessary.
They have to learn that they will not be invited to everything you have. I would not want to have them at my home with my family members knowing what went on in the past. Don't put yourself or family members in harms' way.
the other S.
PS Your house, your rules.
All you can do is tell the child to leave because you are having a private party and hope he respects your wishes. I suppose at the moment of not respecting them you could go over to his house and explain that you are having a private party and would appreciate it if they wouldn't allow the boy over if he continues to try that is.
Otherwise, you don't have the party over your house.
I personally don't feel you can say something prior to the party. I think that is a little rude. However, once the party is started I don't find it rude to tell the boy himself your wishes and if he doesn't listen to then let the parents know.
No need to invite ANY violent child or bully to your special day - the fact that the bully lives next door doesn't change that.
I do think you can invite the "nice brother" IF he is friends with the birthday boy/girl. But no need to invite him just to be "neighborly".
The only issue I see with inviting "nice brother" is if you are asking each child to come with an adult, the fact that you don't want nice brother's dad there might be a problem. If that situation arises, you might need to talk to grandmother about whether she could come with the boy instead.
Well, you didn't mention any ages so I'm not sure how serious to take the physical threat of this boy. But that's irrelevant, really, since you're concerned about it and you're the mama. If the parents are as "upstanding" as you describe (*heavy sarcasm*), then I doubt they'll pick up on any of the subtle hints that other people are suggesting. If you really don't want the kid there, you'll probably need to talk to the parents and flat out tell them why. Might even be a good learning experience for Jr. Evil Pants if someone honestly tells him why he can't participate.
You could put a sign on the front door,
Family only.
Invitation only.
Or something to that effect. It might still require you to say no, but the sign would reinforce your decision.
Tell them it's a family get together and that your kids will not be able to play with them on that day. Then perhaps have a special thing where they can come over a day or two ahead of the party, if it's your kids party. That way they don't have hurt feelings so much since they got to do something before everyone else.
