Hi J., (first of all, apology for long post--but this is a near and dear for me)--
First of all, LUCKY YOU!!! What a gift you've got there. And good for you that YOU are sensitive enough to notice this.
My daughter is ten and is incredibly confident and smart and wise and just recently when I asked her if she minded going to a weeklong half-day camp without her friends she said, “No problem. I make friends easily.”
This was the girl who in kindergarten was excited to sing in the concert, but on the day of the concert wouldn’t get on the ramps and stood next to her teacher, who could feel her heart beating faster than a little bird.
First of all, know this: You have a girl who is going to be incredibly perceptive, wise, smart, empathetic and yet at the same time knows how to put people in their place firmly but kindly. Why? Because she’s smart enough and sensitive enough to “sense” so much. That is why this is happening. The kids who aren’t as sensitive (and most kids are in varying degrees) don’t react as strongly. My son is just as sensitive, but he shows his sensitivity in a different way.
You now have the wonderful task of believing that she can do all this and helping her to get there. Also know, that she is going to be more mature than most and you might find yourself annoyed or irritated or shocked when she isn’t as meek or obedient or quiet when you want her to be. Just remember the gem you have here.
There are a couple of things going on:
1. People are going to say that she’s shy — she’s not, she’s slow to warm up. She has to get to know the lay of the land before she’s willing to dive in. That’s smart.
2. She gets overwhelmed — this is because of her sensitivity. Remember not only does she have her own emotions she’s dealing with, but in big situations, she’s also sensing all these huge emotions and energies around her. Once she gets the ability to separate what she’s feeling versus what others are projecting, she’ll have a strong self-awareness that most adults don’t even have.
3. She feels emotions strongly – she’s passionate and will likely have a strong artistic streak — my daughter is a fantastic writer already. Big emotions lead to big creativity—all week long your daughter was excited to be in a race, then the day of the race she’s overwhelmed by all these emotions.
4. She’s incredibly observant – she sees the two girls walking around—are they walking around together? If so, what she’s seeing are two girls who are a tiny bit mature and developmentally are starting to form strong bonds. If they are *not* walking together then she may be attracted to their natural confidence. They may seem mean, but they’re likely not mature enough themselves to know how to set boundaries kindly so that they too can be where they need to be. You daughter sees what they have and she wants that—she can be encouraged to realize that she can have that with someone else and that it’s healthy to want that next step. She can also learn that she deserves that and will make it happen.
So, having experienced this, what did I do? Well, there is a difference between pushing her to go beyond getting “stuck” and respecting that she will get there eventually. I knew that my daughter’s ability to be this empathetic could be a big hindrance if I didn’t acknowledge it immediately, but I also didn’t want her to use it as a crutch or for it to become a hindrance and allow herself to be labeled as “Shy.” Which isn’t a bad label at all—I myself am shy and slow to warm up in varying situations. But there is a difference between feeling shy in a moment and carrying around the label on your forehead.
1. Talk to her about self-awareness, awareness of others, and emotions. What is she feeling versus what others are feeling and separating the two. Explain to her the concepts of emotional diet and emotional IQ.
2. Get her to do the difficult – I put my daughter and son in a children’s theatre where she learned about how to show emotions, what emotions are, etc. She was *incredibly* shy about being on stage. But I *rewarded* her for doing it. Recently my daughter said she was going to be an actress—you could have knocked me off my chair. I said nothing. She also wants to be a dog-walker and a vet. Shrugs.
3. Back off when there is a legitimate fear — instead of having her do swim lessons in a group, I got a very nice woman instructor to do semi-private lessons.
4. Don’t let anyone tell her she’s too sensitive. What is she supposed to be? Insensitive? Sensitivity is a gift that will serve her well in figuring out people and keep her out of trouble. Later on in life she’ll be strong enough to realize that the guy or friend who tells her she’s too sensitive is in fact an insensitive jerk.
5. Lastly, that physical sensitivity? My daughter had that, too. And she was in fact given a sensory diagnosis. Be compassionate, and know that later on in life when most people ignore those warning signs, she won’t. She’ll be too self-aware. To help her balance this out, engage her in sports. And make sure you let the people around you know she is very sensitive to pain. My daughter almost quit soccer, but with the support of her coach and her karate teacher we got her to become the best passer ever (she hated the confrontation of people trying to kick the ball away from her ankles.) It wasn't that she hated the sport itself, in which case I would have let her choose another sport. Not doing a a sport was never an option. Now she loves soccer. It's her sport of choice.
So in this sense, be kind to yourself and build a supportive group around you, too.
So, whew this is a lot. But it works. And you are so, so lucky to have this young woman in your life. She’s going to be a great big sister and some day, when you’re older, a great friend and wonderful confidant…because she’s just so darn sensitive to what’s going on with herself and with you, too. What a gift.
