Sense of Feeling Entitlement

I'll be honest, I read through that several times and still can't quite follow everything. Who is doing all the cooking and cleaning? Who does finances? I suggest you go back through and break up the sentences a little bit to make things more coherent. Make sure your question (and back-story) is clear and easy to follow and that will probably help us other mamas give you some better advice. :-)

Just to clarify:

1) Your husband is saying you're speaking to him in an ugly way
2) You admit to telling him to clean more, but feel justified in it because you're working while he's the SAHP / and think your job is harder?

If I'm right... yeah... that's entitlement and it's rude. If MY husband came home and fussed at me for not cleaning something, I'd tell him to clean it his durn self and out and out refuse to touch it on principle for weeks. "Hi honey, I'm home. Go clean this." (or any other kind of disrespect like "what have you been doing all day?" or "what a dump" etc.) is absolutely not tolerated under my roof. My husband is NOT my boss, and has absolutely NO right to micromanage me. Or, like having a crappy boss, I'll find somewhere where I'm appreciated as soon as possible.

I've been the working parent, I've been the SAHP, and I've been in school 6 out of the past 8 years. (aka a 'done it all' kinda thing). It's easy to fall into a 'my job is harder than yours so you owe me' kind of attitude. It's destructive, and hurtful, and belittling. One thing that helps a lot of WPs in perspective is look at a nanny. Would you tell a nanny working 40-60 hours a week that their job was no big deal? (and they're not even expected to cook, clean, shop). They also make durn good money (in our area apx $2500 - $3500 per month). And yet many WPs blow off the HUGE amount of work that goes into being a SAHP. I've never understood why caring for other people's children is considered a valuable career worthy of respect, but taking care of your own, people get looked down upon and told they're not doing anything anywhere NEAR as valuable as their working partner.

Sounds like you two are just stressed out and going different directions. Sounds like he is trying really hard to do the best he can to find a job. And you are doing the best you can to help and work. It is a family that makes it go round and round....sounds like you guys are balanced and doing what you can day in and day out .

My advice is to respect eachother's " efforts " Encourage one another and lift one another up. As hard is that may be, it is needed for a successful marriage in hard times.

We see numerous posts like this on this list serv but usually with t he roles reversed, and universally the feeling is that the breadwinner should acknowledge the contributions (and the difficulty of the job) of the stay at home caretaker. SO, eit sounds like your husband feels like many SAHM do, and I think you need to discuss it and set some reasonable expectations about who does what etc to avoid this situation. We are all overwhelmed, and the challenge is to be partners with our spouses, no matter the power dynamics.

Good luck!

i'm not sure who's feeling entitled here.
he doesn't deserve a wife like what? ARE you ugly to him?
this board is full of complaints by SAHMs whose husbands expect them to be martha stewart. i can't tell from your post if he IS cooking, cleaning and taking care of the baby, just not up to your standards, or if he's a total slacker.
it sounds as if you are both frustrated and have forgotten how to communicate effectively. you both need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remember that you are in this together. you're a team. quit sniping at each other, and show each other some appreciation.
he may need to revamp his job expectations. if he's been out of work for over a year, he may need to take something less than perfect. but if that means paying for daycare, that too needs to be taken into consideration.
you're both under a lot of stress right now. you have to be a bit extra kind to each other during this phase.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I'm a little confused by your post, having a hard time following all of your points. But from what you wrote, I don't really understand a "sense of entitlement" on your end, but maybe I'm missing something. It sounds to me like maybe you and your husband need to make a daily or weekly schedule or have the chores a little more structured to help you both cope with the stress.

"who else would cook, clean, and take care of baby while the other is at work..."

How about nearly every stay at home mom, and then some!

What exactly is he stressed about? Is it trying to balance the childcare and household needs while going to school? That's a tough load.

What might help is sitting down and making a plan for housekeeping jobs which feels equitable for both of you. Instead of each of you anticipating the other doing the housework, this will put it on paper and let each of you know what's what. Much better, from my experience, than doing it on the fly. I can't say you have a sense of "entitlement" per se, and from my experience as a Part Time working mom, couples seem to feel sometimes that the grass is definitely greener for their partner than it is for themselves. So, that said, sit down with your partner and figure out something that feels 'equitable for now'. Revisit the conversation in two weeks or a month, just to check in and see how it's going for both of you. Sometimes, treating a relationship as if it were a business partnership (and requiring that level of communication) is the best thing you can do. Less emotion, more exchange.

That said, if he's calling you ugly and telling you that no one would do this-- well, that's another sort of problem. Perhaps couples counseling? I don't think I'd do well with that sort of personal insult.

Oh boy, I have been on both sides of this, so I know some of what you are going through. My husband has had two long periods of unemployment in the past 20 years and they were very hard on both of us. I have been a SAHM for the past 16 years. So, I can relate to both of your positions. Being unemployed is very hard on your self esteem (especially for men) and can often cause depression which leads to lack of action. Being a SAHP can be very taxing and lonely if he does not have a support group, which I imagine would be difficult for a man to find a play group. I know how frustrating it is for you to be working hard and feel like he is not doing his part. But I also know that being an unemployed man that is a full time caretaker of a young child has to be very difficult. Having stayed at home with a 15 month old, I don't see how he can be avidly looking for a job. How can he go on an interview with a baby in tow? I would look into some kind of Parents Day Out (low cost at a church) one or two days a week, so he can REALLY look for a job. If he is just sending out resumes and waiting for a phone call, that will not cut it in the present economy. He needs to be networking and pursuing a job actively several hours a day. You need to be supportive and encouraging (even if it means letting some of the housework slack a little). I know, VERY hard to do.

Does he have any friends or family that can make him accountable on the job hunt? If you are the only one asking about his job hunt, that is an added strain on your marriage. Especially after almost two years, he may be having a hard time getting motivated and disciplined enough to do what needs to be done to find a job. He may need to look for some kind of temporary work until a real job comes along. It is usually easier to find a job, if you already have one. My husband has been gainfully employed for almost 8 years now and he comes home and complains about my housework, etc. It is extremely annoying when I remember how little he did when he was unemployed and supposed to be doing the housework.

Good luck! I don't envy your position at all. I have been there and it is SO hard. Be careful about your attitude, because even after your husband finds a job, the hurt feelings can continue.

Not sure about the sense of entitlement stuff but job hunting has to be a full time gig if he doesn't have a job. Every day calling, looking, following up, planning and interviewing. Two years is way to long.

Sounds like your husband is stressed because you are financially supporting the family instead of him, in other words his male ego is bruised. If you stayed home and he worked long hours, there would be no question of who is responsible for the cooking, cleaning, child care etc. It also sounds like your are stressed too. You might benefit from individual or marriage counseling.

I'm also a little confused ' do you mean' I don't deserve this' when you say 'feeling entitlement' ? . Regardless I think maybe your partner/husband is feeling a little angry about his situation and is taking out his frustration on you (as so often happens we take it out on those we are closest too). He may also be bored with staying at home with a small child because as hard as it is for mom's to stay at home and not feel isolate and lonely it's MUCH harder for the stay at home dad's. I don't think there's many mom's who work FT and have a baby and don't feel overwhelmed most of the time but it does get easier and you do learn shortcuts and to focus on your priorities. I would highly recommend cutting a deal where you each have e.g a set 3hrs a week to yourselves to take a long bath, talk on the phone with friends see a movie, have a drink, play video games whatever but regardless of what it is you each do it's totally up to you and it should be time you look forward to for yourself. One small child can make you feel like you have lost your former life and self forever but you need to take back some time to yourself and you both work really hard.
It sounds like you will both end up with good paying jobs. Try to focus on the long term to get you through the short term. It sounds like you are just both exhausted and feeling like it will always be this way. It won't, you just need to get through this very difficult stage without doing enough damage to break you. I think your future looks really bright, look after yourselves in the mean time.
Never condoning anyone to ever tell you that you are ugly to them. Don't ever put up with that. If he's allowed to talk to you like that then it will only go downhill from there.